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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-Fi)

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

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#21 dragoness

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Posted 04 September 2017 - 04:50 AM

I like this version very much!  :smile:

 

Here are some comments which might improve it a little, IMO:

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war between mythology's gods, and monsters, and . If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human  might have been very different.(I think you need one sentence about the past and one about the present, which makes the past relevant)  In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan KARAN (as far as I know CAPS are only for synopsis, not query) is living a happy life, until a his chance encounter with Chhaya CHHAYA dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, . B but when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the ancient aboriginal's power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the . (the numbers are not interesting, IMO, but him having godly power is.) As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. (I think it should be one paragraph, it's one idea.)

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy. (Great choice! and well written!)

 

by f Facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. And he needs to do it should be done quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent. (This sentence of yours is a great addition, IMO)

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I'd like to see your next version  :smile: .

 

I wrote a new version of my query, would you care to look at it? http://agentquerycon...que/?hl=empress



#22 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 04:55 AM

Thanks for helping me with my query. I was going to return the favor but I realized you haven't worked on it since Sept 17. Do you still want feedback on it, or you do rather want to post a newer version first because you had some good feedback that would help to better the query.

The one thing I can say so far is that I only struggle with one thing: the aboriginal in Mumbai. Since nowadays Aboriginal mostly refer to Australian natives, I would chose indigenous just to eliminate possible confusion. Other than that it's a good query, though I'd like to read a newer version.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#23 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 05:53 AM

It's back to 281 again :(

 

Spoiler alert - The entity mentioned in the end is not actually a monster.

==================================================

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an aboriginal primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities, and the extra-terrestrials are referred to by humans as Gods and Demons.

 

Chhaya reveals that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead the other possessors and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

With everything he knew about his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#24 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 05:57 AM

Hi Tanja,

 

Thank you for your response.

Thanks for helping me with my query. I was going to return the favor but I realized you haven't worked on it since Sept 17. Do you still want feedback on it, or you do rather want to post a newer version first because you had some good feedback that would help to better the query.

The one thing I can say so far is that I only struggle with one thing: the aboriginal in Mumbai. Since nowadays Aboriginal mostly refer to Australian natives, I would chose indigenous just to eliminate possible confusion. Other than that it's a good query, though I'd like to read a newer version.

 

The dictionary meaning of "Aboriginal" is "inhabiting or existing in a land from the earliest times".

That is the context I wanted to build here.

 

Let me know what you think of the new version.



#25 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 07:03 AM

Hi Punistratogi,

I sent you a PM with details about the oldest culture on earth and what Aboriginal refers to. Hope it helps :smile:

 

Now to your query.

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a the beguiling ha ha ha now I know why  you liked that word in my query. woman Chhaya technically her name should be in commas, but don't take that for granted, I suck at commas. dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an aboriginal primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities, and the extra-terrestrials are referred to by humans as Gods and Demons.

 

Chhaya reveals you used 'reveals' in the previous para. Maybe use divulge that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead the other possessors and stop the galactic apocalypse. I suggest rephrasing this as it comes across a little muddled.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. Hmm I'm not too sure if this adds to the query. I think it's a detail that's not needed.

 

With everything he knew about his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and he/she is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word Adult? YA? fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

overall it's okay, not great yet but you're getting there. I can see you're concentrating more on his grief than on what's at stakes for him. Try to find a way to build the stakes. You wrote at the beginning that the entity isn't a monster. Any way to bring that into the query, who or what the entity is?


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#26 dragoness

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 03:56 AM

Hi Punitrastogi  :smile:  .

 

I think that in order to have a fascinating query, you better focus on the plot, (the action and the relationships,) and use the mythology only as the background.

 

This new query deals mainly with details of Karan's mythological part, (his powers, his role, his enemies.) I think it doesn't display a tight ongoing plot. That's why I believe your former query is better.

 

The most interesting query, in my eyes, displays the story of his love to Chhaya, the doctor interference, the killing of his ex-crush, and his revealing of the truth about Chhaya's lies and the war.

 

Besides, the ending question now contains three arguments, so it's confusing. IMO, you better focus on one reason for joining the war (saving the people,) and one reason for not joining it (the huge dangers, or his hurt feelings. not both.) One reason for each side will create a balance and be understood.

 

Keep the good work :Woah!:  



#27 punitrastogi

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 06:29 AM

Thanks Tanja and dragoness.

 

Keeping both of your suggestions in mind, here is the latest version:

=================================================================================

 

Thousands of years ago, an autochthonous primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and recruit others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#28 Tanja

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 05:06 AM

Thank you for your feedback on my query, though it was on an older version :smile:  however, you still had some good points and I can cut out a few more things since the query is still a little too long.

 

anyhow, about your query. After dragoness mentioned a previous query, I thought I have a look and I agree in some parts. I think the beginning of the new query is pretty good. I can't think of a way how to blend those first two sentences better together so it doesn't sound so choppy, but I'm sure you'll find a way. What I think could go out of the query, as it really doesn't add much, is the part where Karan is seeing his friend. I think if  you can build the query plot more around the looming war than Karan's feelings, that would up the stakes and the uniqueness of the story. One of the best suggestions I had when I wrote my first query was to concentrate on the first 50pgs of the story. And then use the last para for the stakes.

 

On a side note, I notice more and more people not mentioning the age group and this is essential in all queries. So make sure you mention if it's YA or NA. A lot of people think that it's normal that every fantasy is YA but that's not the case and agents want to know what they have in their hands.

 

I'll check back on the new version when it's up

Good luck and I hope I could help a little. And as always, they're just suggestions


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#29 Oldborne

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 10:47 AM

Thanks Tanja and dragoness.

 

Keeping both of your suggestions in mind, here is the latest version:

=================================================================================

 

Thousands of years ago, an autochthonous This feels like a needlessly obscure word to use primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. It all sounds cool (I do love me some ancient aliens and civil wars), but I worry that it's too vague for a query. Try to find a way to better connect the two sentences. For example, did the primate thwart the civil war in ancient Mumbai? Any sort of connection like that to bridge the two statements. 

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking  her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy I would recommend simplifying the explanation of his powers. 'Mind control' is more to the point., one of the abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and recruit others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. So I'm a little confused as to why Chhaya and Karan's best friend both felt the need to explain that they were only interested in protecting his genes. I'm sure it's less blunt in the book, but in the query it doesn't make much sense, and in-fact a good way to endanger Karan inadvertently. I don't want to suggest things that aren't true to your novel, but perhaps Karan finding out in a more organic way (i.e. overhearing them talking or something) it would seem less abrupt.  

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of The Gods part of this sentence (which is a bit too long) is confusing. Are Gods real? How do they relate and interact with the characters? Are the monsters the aliens?

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent. Much too vague for a query and also unneeded, your stakes are in the paragraph above.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

A decent start, you've got plenty to work with. I enjoy the mythology elements you have going on, and Karan's life being a lie is a great angle. There are a few areas that either need expanding or cutting and I've highlighted them in the body of the query. I think you either need to delve deeper into the Gods angle or remove it entirely. I took it to mean that aliens were mistaken as Gods in ancient times, but the mention of the Gods being scared in your stakes made me think they're real.

 

Best of luck with this! 
 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#30 PureZhar3

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 11:00 AM

Thanks Tanja and dragoness.

 

Keeping both of your suggestions in mind, here is the latest version:

=================================================================================

 

Thousands of years ago, an autochthonous ​big word. I'm mixed on whether that's good or bad. On the one hand, it might impress the agent. on the other, if they don't know what it is, they're probably not going to waste time looking it up, and it might end up hurting rather than helping primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. ​oooh

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the abilities of the ancient primate ​the ancient primate, as in the one you told us about, or ancient primates, as in those monkeys in general?. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and recruit others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. ​I would shorten this to "he shatters further"

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

​Oooh fascinating, I'm in. This looks amazing. Great query in general


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#31 dragoness

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:52 AM

Hi,

 

I think you build the query around Karan's inner doubts, and it's a very problematic topic to sell. It sounds like a novel dealing with the stream of consciousness, not like a best-seller's plot.

 

I think you better focus on the main "outer" conflict of the plot, the conflict between the characters.

 

And, again, not add so many details about the mythology. IMO, opening with ancient history is not an interesting place to start with. The hook should hint to the protagonist's current dilemma.

 

Good luck! 



#32 punitrastogi

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 03:55 AM

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

 

I have tried to keep the mythology part to the minimal, and explained the motivation behind the confession of the friend.

Maybe by reading this, you would be able to sympathize with Karan's pain, thereby understanding his dilemma better.

 

Looking forward to your comments

 

=====================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that exist in Karan’s genes. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, he confides in his best friend. Knowing about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a shattered Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy.

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#33 Bkrasnik

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 12:19 AM

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

 

I have tried to keep the mythology part to the minimal, and explained the motivation behind the confession of the friend.

Maybe by reading this, you would be able to sympathize with Karan's pain, thereby understanding his dilemma better.

 

Looking forward to your comments

 

=====================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens (When you say dissolve the gap, what do you mean exactly?).

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her (why would she admit to manipulating him? Make sure there is a reason why she admits this, otherwise you are not making a character that makes any emotional sense). She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that exist in Karan’s genes. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. (interesting.)

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, he confides in his best friend (This is a good example where you are sticking to the emotional truth of your character). Knowing about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives. (wow that sucks for him :()

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a shattered Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy. (Instead of making this the ending, maybe you want to tell us about his choice, and then a consequence of that decision? Because I feel like you are not giving enough. I think we all know he is going to save the galaxy in the end.) 

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Hi, 

 

So you never addressed the gap between the gods and aliens that you mentioned in your hook. I would make sure to clarify that somewhere. I also recommend providing specifics about the possible journey he has ahead of him, because we only know the gist of it. You also have two people betraying his trust, which is a little repetitive. Is there anything else that happened to him that you can include for variety? Otherwise, you have an interesting story and you provide enough context which is a huge deal, because most queries struggle in this regard. Hope this helps and if you have a few minutes to review my query, it would me super appreciated! Thank you :) 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#34 Tanja

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 03:05 AM

Thank you again for your help on my query and the great hook you gave me. Brilliant.

 

 

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

 

I have tried to keep the mythology part to the minimal, and explained the motivation behind the confession of the friend.

Maybe by reading this, you would be able to sympathize with Karan's pain, thereby understanding his dilemma better.

 

Looking forward to your comments

 

=====================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves It didn't jump at me before but I have to agree with Bkrasnik and think it needs either another word or more explanation the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien Since everyone always said my sentences are too long, I suggest a full stop here and use a little more detail for the sentence I mark green manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate good wording  :smile:  from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that exist in Karan’s genes does he know about the power?. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, he confides in his best friend. Knowing about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives. Suggestion: Shattered by the news and her deception, Karan confides in his best friend, but he gets crushed once more when his friend confesses that he knew about the imminent apocalypse. Worse, their friendship is (not sure if was suits better) a sham created to protect his genes. But it leaves Karan conflicted when his friend requests his help to save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a shattered if you decide to go with my suggestions, you could wipe his emotions here and concentrate on what drives him Karan is forced I read somewhere today that apparently agents don't like the wording forced. Might have been even in your thread somewhere. Can't find it right now. But it does make sense because forced takes all the power from your MC but it also vague as it leaves room for more detail. You could replace it with: Karan must make a decision to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try risk everything important to him to save the galaxy.

 

And  He needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else a villain / assassin / shadowy figure around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent. you can add this part to the previous para.

 

The Subjugator capitol letters is a 100,000-word adult? YA? NA? fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

it's come along way. What I'm missing now is a bit more urge. Stronger words can help with that. Good work so far. Since you delivered such a great hook for my story, I'm certain you can come up with a more grabbing one for yours too. I'll try and see if I can help, but right now I can't think of anything.

 

Will check on your work again


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#35 punitrastogi

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 04:00 AM

Thanks Tanja and Bkrasnik for your responses.

 

Here is the latest version at 254 words:

====================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya blurs the line between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by humans as Hetaera (will replace it with "Apsara" for Indian agents) . She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that unknown to Karan himself, exist in his genes. As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

In disbelief and shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan wants to do his bit in saving the galaxy. But it’s difficult to imagine working with the people that tricked him when even thinking about them hurts his soul. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#36 Tanja

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 05:34 AM

Going to give a couple of suggestions

 

Thanks Tanja and Bkrasnik for your responses.

 

Here is the latest version at 254 words:

====================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya blurs the line between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could I think CAN works better here to keep it in present tense, but I suck at grammar lol tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by humans to as Hetaera (will replace it with "Apsara" for Indian agents) . She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that unknown to Karan himself, exist in his genes. This part seems to get longer after every revision. You know I  love long sentences but it's even long for me. As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping find and lead others like him and  to stop the galactic apocalypse. Since your query so far has been in Karan's POV, try to keep it that way. As in: As another more destructive civil war looms, Karan is confronted by Chhava, tasked to manipulate him into ...

 

In disbelief and shattered I know I just suggested shattered, but getting deeper insight into the story, I think 'feeling betrayed' could suit  better and then you could eliminate 'deception' by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation this falls very flat but I can't think of anything better at the moment, and requests urges? Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan wants to do his bit I think he has more power than just 'doing his bit' and the way it's written it's  more like telling. I'd like to see more action from him in saving the galaxy. But it’s difficult to imagine working with the people that tricked him when even thinking about them hurts his soul Suggestion: But he struggles to find trust and work with the people who deceived him. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent. I preferred the previous stakes. But that might just be me

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

it looks worse than it is. More hints and suggestions which you can ignore. I'll step away now and see what others think. It certainly sounds like an interesting story and I like that it's not just about action, also about Karan's feelings.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#37 ADFinley

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 09:13 AM

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

 

I have tried to keep the mythology part to the minimal, and explained the motivation behind the confession of the friend.

Maybe by reading this, you would be able to sympathize with Karan's pain, thereby understanding his dilemma better.

 

Looking forward to your comments

 

=====================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. ("dissolve the gap between gods and aliens" This feels like a really abstract idea and I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. What exactly does this mean?)

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, but before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities including subjugation through telepathy – the power that exist in Karan’s genes. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. (Sounds like a lot is going on here. I think it might be benificial to cut it down a touch. I'll make an attempt to simplify it below.)

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, he confides in his best friend. Knowing about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a shattered Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy.

 

And he needs to choose quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000-word fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I like to use Janet Reid's tips.

Who is the main character? Karan
 

What does he want? This seems to be muddy based on the description. At first, he wants to profess his love for Chhaya, but when he finds out the truth, it appears that he doesn't know what he wants: condemn the ones that lied to him or save the galaxy. I think you need to be clear about what he wants.

 

Even more problematic is that his wants don't appear to be connected to each other. Can't he condemn his friends and save the galaxy? Or do one but not the other? What does he personally lose if he doesn't save the galaxy?

 

What's keeping him from getting it? I don't think this is illustrated in your query.

 

What will he have to sacrifice/how will he have to change to get what he wants? I also think this is missing.

 

Here's how I'd rework the query based on what you have so far:

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. When Chhaya reveals herself to be an alien that needs his help to find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. [Now include what Karan wants and what keeps him from getting it. Then add the emotional betrayal/manipulation of his friends as a complication to getting what he wants as well as the sacrifice he'll have to make.]

 

I hope this helps!



#38 punitrastogi

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 09:30 AM

Hi,

Sorry, but I didnt update the link in the first page to point to the latest version of the query.

It is updated now.

Please have a look.

Thanks

#39 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:15 AM

bump



#40 smithgirl

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 01:46 PM

Hi  punitrastogi!

 

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with a woman named Chhaya blurs the line between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens

 

This is my ignorance, but I just don't know who is a man and who is a woman, because the names are foreign to me. I added something for Chhaya, maybe that will be enough when we read the next paragraph, if we assume it is a heterosexual relationship.

 

Within months, Months is actually a pretty long time. Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he can could tell her how he feels, she tells him she reveals herself to belongs to an alien class of beings. referred to by humans as Hetaera She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities comma including subjugation through telepathy – the power that unknown to Karan himself, exist in his genes.Up to this point your query is good, although a bit wordy. 

 

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping find and lead others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. This part came suddenly; I think you could tighten it and maybe clarify.

 

In disbelief and shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.Wow, this really sucks for Karan.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan wants to do his bit in saving the galaxy. But it’s difficult to imagine working with the people that tricked him when even thinking about them hurts his soul. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other aliens Hetaera might not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think your query feels a bit wordy and impersonal. You say it has elements of romance, but I don't get that from the query. Do Karana and Chhaya have a relationship? It seems like they never do because before Karan can reveal his feelings, she surprises him with the alien thing. Then, I assumed, there was no more romance. I think you can make this better by helping us understand Karan's feelings of betrayal. I'm also a bit unclear on what Karan wants. Does he want to try and have a relationship with Chhaya after all? Is that why he agrees to save the world? Or is he scared and wants to save the world to save himself? I feel like Karan is running around a bit disjointed. I agree with ADFinlay's comments: Go back and focus on Karan, his dilemma, and his obstacles. 

 

I'm not sure if this helps; I feel like my feedback is a bit vague. I think the overall story is clear, but it doesn't feel visceral to me at all. Good luck!







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