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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-Fi)

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

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#41 punitrastogi

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 11:12 AM

Latest version with an attempt to cover all points raised above:

 

P.S.: I have a doubt on which ending to choose

 

==============================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya blurs the line between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens.

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by humans as Hetaera.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses about being tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan needs to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and relationships to save the galaxy. )))

OR

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must now somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face the monsters that even the Gods are petrified of. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent.)))

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#42 W.P.

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 03:08 PM

Latest version with an attempt to cover all points raised above:

 

P.S.: I have a doubt on which ending to choose

 

==============================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life (((I like that you state the positive to then contrast with the negative events about to come, but I feel like "living a happy life" is a bit too vague. just one detail would make it come to life. Maybe add what she does for a living or what she does in her free time--to add to her characterization. Like, "kara is living a happy life as a (insert profession)". Just a thought ))) until a chance encounter with Chhaya blurs the line between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens (I also like this, but I feel like it isn't as punchy as it could be. I think the shorter the better. Just "line between reality and myth" or "reality and fantasy" would be better options. Of course, what you have is more specific, but doesn't have that "punch" that queries need).

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by humans as Hetaera. ((please ignore the underlined part. I'm still new to this editing tool. ---- Also, I suggest making the characters' genders known in the very first paragraph. I thought Karan was female and Chhaya was male and was getting super confused reading the query. Unless of course your target readers are very familiar with these names. then disregard this comment))

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses and that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses about being she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.  

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, But his friend also (just thought that the first part of the sentence was redundant because we know what Karan just told him) (Also, ouch!! Poor Karan!) confesses that their friendship is also a sham created he befriended Karan just (shorter and to the point) to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan needs to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and relationships to save the galaxy. )))

OR

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must now somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face the monsters that even the Gods are petrified of. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent.)))

 

I think you could use both. My suggestion: "His life now revealed a farce, a devastated Karan must make a choice: condemn the ones who deceived him as his heart desires, or overcome his pain to save the galaxy. But he needs to decide quickly, because, unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent."

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

Thanks so much for critiquing my query! Came to return the favour! :D

 

Your query is very clear. I understand the stakes and conflicts. However, the one thing missing is Karan. Who is he? What does he want?  I think just by adding his profession in the first sentence like I mentioned will help a lot. That and clearly establish what his goal is. Doesn't have to be something big or revealing of the plot. Just something that lets us know who he is. :)

 

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful! 



#43 Tanja

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 03:27 AM

Trying to help a bit more

 

Latest version with an attempt to cover all points raised above:

 

P.S.: I have a doubt on which ending to choose

 

==============================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya blurs the line I'm not sure about blurs the line. The main thing I'm wondering about here is it his line, as what he knows about his life, his understanding, or the overall? So I thought maybe something like: Chhaya muddles his view on mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens., between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens.

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by humans as Hetaera.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses about being tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend confesses that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation I still think the 'exact situation' falls a little flat, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan needs to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and relationships to save the galaxy. )))

OR

(((With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must now somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face the monsters that even the Gods are petrified of. But he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, other Hetaera might not wait for his consent.))) I prefer this ending

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think you're getting closer and closer. It's clear. It moves nicely along. The only part I'm worried about now is the monster part in the last para. I do like the para much better than the other because it has more urge. But you never really referred to monsters in the query. And I honestly don't see the connection to them either. Maybe you can find another way to explain it.

 

Other than that, good job.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#44 punitrastogi

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:17 AM

Thanks so much for critiquing my query! Came to return the favour! :D

 

Your query is very clear. I understand the stakes and conflicts. However, the one thing missing is Karan. Who is he? What does he want?  I think just by adding his profession in the first sentence like I mentioned will help a lot. That and clearly establish what his goal is. Doesn't have to be something big or revealing of the plot. Just something that lets us know who he is. :)

 

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful! 

Thank you for your comments WP.

 

But the things you have pointed are exactly the changes I have made based on the feedback I received on my previous versions. :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

e.g. Striking out "To karan's shock" to make the sentence longer. I was suggested to break the exceedingly long sentence that looses momentum because of its legth.

Such is the irony of this forum :)



#45 punitrastogi

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:39 AM

Ok.

 

Latest version.

 

Hope this is the final one.

 

======================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens.

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by Hindus as Apsara.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses that she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, others of her class might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#46 Bkrasnik

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:29 PM

Ok.

 

Latest version.

 

Hope this is the final one.

 

======================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens. (Nice hook)

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by Hindus as Apsara.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities (This sentence follows the structure of a sentence you would include in a synopsis, not a query. I would incorporate the gist of this sentence into the following sentence). To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses ("admits" fits better) that (thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities and____include a transition into the next part of the sentence___) his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses that she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. (why does she confess this? Did she also fall in love with Karan? Or did her boss give her shit, and now she feels angry and compelled to rebel, which for her means telling Karan the truth? To give emotional truth to your character, you need to provide a reason why she admits this to Karan.)

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests (choose a better word, "request" is too formal) Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, others of her class might not wait for his consent. (confused by what this means). 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

This is a lot better than the previous version I edited. There are a few things you need to fix, but you are definitely getting there! Good luck!

 

(and thank you for editing my query!)


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#47 smithgirl

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 02:47 PM

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya comma that muddles the difference between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens.

 

This sentence is good but it feels long and run-on. Slow it down with a comma after Chhaya.

 

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals she's part  herself to belong of an alien class referred by Hindus as Apsara. She explains that thousands of years ago, a n indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his own genes dormantly don't think it's correct to make dormant into an adverb. possess the same, but dormant, power: the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation.

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses that she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers to for helping her, to help  in  find ing others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend, but . Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives. 

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because comma unlike Chhaya, other Apsara s of her class might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

One questions: Karan's genetic abilities are dormant. How can they can be reactivated? I think you should mention something short about activating the genes.

 

I think this query is better. Your writing tends to be wordy, with long sentences and a lot of prepositions and prepositional phrases, making it longer than necessary. As BKrasnik mentioned, it also reads a bit like a synopsis, but that's incredibly hard not to do. I still think it would help if you could help us know Karan a bit more.

 

Overall, however, I do think this is better. Hope this helps. My query is also updated can you please review it? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...uery-critiques/



#48 Heliagrey

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 03:38 PM

Ok.

 

Latest version.

 

Hope this is the final one.

 

======================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens. (I like this, but I'd pick one pair- mythology/reality or Gods/aliens- or leave out the and in between for flow.)

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty make Karan fall hopelessly in love with her.(Karan falls hopelessly in lovew ith Chhaya's charm and beauty. I'd then say something like, but isn't prepared for her revelation, etc. I don't think the fact that he's not told her his feelings matters much in the query- but the reveal is a big whammy. Focus on that.) But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by Hindus as Apsara.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation. (that the primate's- or do you mean primal??- power of telepathic subjugation lies dormant in his genes.)

 

As another, more destructive civil war looms,(?) Chhaya confesses that she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. (I'd roll this into the last paragraph- because you have two starting with what Chhaya told him.)

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.(I like this, but I think you can make it more succinct- something about how, he discovers everyone is lying to him, and his life is a farce. In fact, that's kind of a snappier hook in itself.)

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, others of her class might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

Getting better all the time! :)



#49 yawriter

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 07:29 PM

 

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology and reality, and Gods and aliens. This is a very long sentence for a hook... Personal opinion of course. Plus you have a lot of "ands" at the end. Perhaps mythology and reality, as well as Gods and aliens. ? something to take away the ands.

 

 

 

Chhaya’s charm and beauty makes Karan fall hopelessly in love with her. Spice it up? Beauty is irrisisable to Karan, making him fall hopelessly in love with the (goddess? Alien? mystical creature?) But before he can tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to belong to an alien class referred by Hindus as Apsara.Ah you say she's an alien here...okay... I just don't see how this line is raising the stakes at all... I assumed she's an alien (as you can see from my comment) plus you hinted at it before...soo perhaps think of something more along the lines of (idk your story but) alien race, Aspara's, who desire to annihilate the world... plug in your stakes here.

 

She explains that thousands of years ago, an indigenous primate from Earth stopped a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities. To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes dormantly possess the primate’s power of telepathic subjugation. this could be combined with that last paragraph  because it includes the stakes 

 

As another more destructive civil war looms, Chhaya confesses that she was tasked to manipulate Karan into donating his powers or helping her in finding others like him and stop the galactic apocalypse. A  LOT is going on in your query, I'm almost lost here....Try to condense the wording I think it will help. You don't need the words I've crossed out, because the word after it expresses that. I KARAN HAS POWERS? what? Where did that come from? That'd be great to include int he beginning because the reader can be more weary of this Chhaya person right off the bat

  This would also be a great ending to your query here...the rest could be added to your synopsis if an agent is looking for a synopsis

 

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning he learns about the imminent apocalypse. his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and requests Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because unlike Chhaya, others of her class might not wait for his consent. 

 

Just to mention this is also a lot of paragraphs for a query. Try to keep it around 3.. feel free to combine these paragraphs. I love that there is possibly romance in this book along with guessing who's is on Karan's real alliance. A good guessing game. These suggestions are OF COURSE all my opinion. But I hope they helped! Let me know if you want me to look at another version in the future. My new version is posted :) 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#50 punitrastogi

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 06:46 AM

Thank you everyone for your responses to my query. I guess it was not the last one after all :)

 

While updating the format given above, I came up with a different hook and a different way to explain Chhaya's disclosure.

 

So, now I have two formats/version.

Please let me know which one seems better to you and please give your comments on the one of your liking (or both if you want double thanks from me :D )

 

==========================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology, science-fiction, and reality.

 

Karan falls hopelessly in love with Chhaya’s charm and beauty. But his affection turns to disbelief when she reveals that she is part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara.

 

To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes possess the power of telepathic subjugation – one of the abilities of an indigenous primate from Earth who stopped a galactic civil war thousands of years ago. The powers stay dormant until activated with willpower and focus. Chhaya requests Karan’s help to find and lead others like him, to stop another more destructive civil war that looms on the galaxy.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, others might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

OR

 

 

What Karan knows is that he is a twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, hopelessly in love with Chhaya. What he doesn’t know is that he has inherited a power of a demigod, and he needs it to save the galaxy.

 

When Chhaya reveals herself as part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara, Karan is shocked, to say the least. But he is bewildered when Chhaya informs him about his dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

In shock and disbelief, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent threat, his friend confesses that he befriended Karan to protect his powers for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#51 Tanja

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 12:47 AM

In all honesty, I like the hook of version 1 better, but the rest is better in version 2. I connect better with version 2.

The one issue I still have is this part: his friend confesses that he befriended Karan to protect his powers for this exact situation

Is there another way you could word it?

 

Otherwise I think it's pretty much ready


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#52 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:30 AM

Thanks Tanja... Let's wait for some more comments



#53 W.P.

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:49 AM

I think I prefer the second version. The second hook as well. Though I do think it could be worded differently. I like what you use as a hook, but not how it's phrased. It's like the way you worded it is removing the impact it fully deserves.

 

Also, because of the way the hook is written, the second paragraph doesn't read as a natural transition. The second paragraph reads as a transition to the first sentence (in the hook), and not the second sentence (which is about his powers and the galaxy.) If you stick to the second version, I suggest working on that transition. :)



#54 lnloft

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:15 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses to my query. I guess it was not the last one after all :)

 

While updating the format given above, I came up with a different hook and a different way to explain Chhaya's disclosure.

 

So, now I have two formats/version.

Please let me know which one seems better to you and please give your comments on the one of your liking (or both if you want double thanks from me :D )

 

==========================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology, science-fiction, and reality. So, to me this is just a logline. It's too broad to be an effective hook.

 

Karan falls hopelessly in love with Chhaya’s charm and beauty. But his affection turns to disbelief when she reveals that she is part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara.

 

To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his <-- You have a few examples in this query where the antecedent isn't as clear as it could be. I realize that you refer to Chhaya as "she" above, but when I just did a quick sort of read-through initially, I wasn't paying close enough attention, so I was wondering if Chhaya was a dude and Chhaya's genes were the ones in question. Yes, I know you say "she", but you don't want any chance of confusion.  genes possess the power of telepathic subjugation Genes don't "possess" a power. Nitpicky, but it bothers me – one of the abilities of an indigenous primate from Earth who stopped a galactic civil war thousands of years ago. The powers stay dormant until activated with willpower and focus. Chhaya requests Karan’s help to find and lead others like him, to stop another more destructive civil war that looms on the galaxy.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his Antecedent confusion again, and a bit more relevant because here both actually are dudes. genes for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, others might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

OR

 

 

What Karan knows is that he is a twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, hopelessly in love with Chhaya. What he doesn’t know is that he has inherited a power of a demigod, and he needs it to save the galaxy. I like this hook better than the other, but I'm in general not a fan of outlining in queries what the character DOESN'T know. If he doesn't know it, then why do we as the reader? Shouldn't we discover it with him?

 

When Chhaya reveals herself as part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara, Karan is shocked, to say the least. But he is bewildered when Chhaya informs him about his dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

In shock and disbelief, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent threat, his friend confesses that he befriended Karan to protect his powers for this exact situation Same antecedent problem as before, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives. In both queries, this is a rather bland way of saying this.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent.  I do like this last line.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction To streamline the genre, why not list it as "science fantasy with elements of romance"? Science fantasy covers a pretty wide spectrum, and with aliens and genes coding for telepathy on one end and Hindu mythology on the other, you should fit right in. Also, unless an agent specifically is looking for NA, I wouldn't include it. As I understand, it's not that big anymore., along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

Karan spends a lot of these queries being shocked, bewildered, and in disbelief. Might be nice to see a couple other emotions out of him. :tongue:

 

But I do think the second query overall is the better one. Either hook needs some work, but the second query lays things out a little better. The biggest critique, though, is that they both feel a little bland. I specifically highlighted the line about saving billions of lives, because it just sort of feels very casual, like, "Hey, man, what are you doing this Friday? Do you maybe want to save billions of lives? Could be fun." But throughout I'm feeling a lack of punch and urgency, except for the last line. So if I were you, I would take the second query and build from there. Good luck.


If you found my feedback useful, I'd appreciate yours: Ouroboros


#55 AntoineMDevine

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 06:21 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses to my query. I guess it was not the last one after all :)

 

While updating the format given above, I came up with a different hook and a different way to explain Chhaya's disclosure.

 

So, now I have two formats/version.

Please let me know which one seems better to you and please give your comments on the one of your liking (or both if you want double thanks from me :D )

 

==========================================================================

 

In modern-day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old banker Karan is living a happy life until a chance encounter with Chhaya muddles the difference between mythology, science-fiction, and reality.

 

Karan falls hopelessly in love with Chhaya’s charm and beauty. But his affection turns to disbelief when she reveals that she is part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara.

 

To Karan’s shock, Chhaya discloses that his genes possess the power of telepathic subjugation – one of the abilities of an indigenous primate from Earth who stopped a galactic civil war thousands of years ago. The powers stay dormant until activated with willpower and focus. Chhaya requests Karan’s help to find and lead others like him, to stop another more destructive civil war that looms on the galaxy.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent apocalypse, his friend admits that their friendship is also a sham created to protect his genes for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, others might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

OR

 

 

What Karan knows is that he is a twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, hopelessly in love with Chhaya. What he doesn’t know is that he has inherited a power of a demigod, and he needs it to save the galaxy.

 

When Chhaya reveals herself as part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara, Karan is shocked, to say the least. But he is bewildered when Chhaya informs him about his dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

In shock and disbelief, Karan confides in his best friend. Learning about the imminent threat, his friend confesses that he befriended Karan to protect his powers for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives. (Q. Is Karan's friend some sort of 'sentinel' assigned to protect him until his powers are activated? If so, wouldn't the friend know of the imminent threat before Karan does? Sorry if this doesn't make sense.)

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farceForced to accept that the life he knows is meaningless, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even the Gods fear are petrified of.(Don't risk ending a sentence with a preposition.) And h He needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. (You don't need the transition. Keep the suspense moving.)

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

I like 2nd version for similar reasons already given. I also second LNLOFT's comments regarding punching up the language a bit. Fascinating story. I'm a huge sci-fi fan. I just started binging Stargate from the beginning.



#56 yawriter

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 07:48 PM

 

 

OR

 

 

What Karan knows is that he is a twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, hopelessly in love with Chhaya. I read the hook for both and was personally reeled in more to this one. What he doesn’t know is that he has inherited a power of a demigod, and he needs it to save the galaxy. It is clearer than the first one. 

 

When Chhaya reveals herself as part of an alien class referred to by Hindus as Apsara, Karan is shocked (no comma) to say the least. But, he is bewildered when Chhaya informs him about his dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.good! This is much more solid than last I read this. 

 

In shock and disbelief, these are synonyms...you really don't need both especially when you're trying to always condense as best you can.  Karan confides in his best friendPerhaps a name would be nice here. When does Chhaya come back? she was brought up and then disappeared. . Learning about the imminent threat, his friend confesses that he befriended Karan to protect his powers for this exact situation, and appeals to Karan to help save billions of lives.

 

With everything in his life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and face threats that even Gods are petrified of. I don't think you can end a sentence with "of". It is a preposition. See if you can rearrange it some how.  And he needs to recover quickly because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA fantasy novel with elements of romance and science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Great job! If you get a chance, please take a glance at the new version of my query. Thanks!



#57 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:07 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

There are a lot of things that I have changed (including the hook, again) and there are things that I want to change even in this version.

So if you have any doubts or if you don't like something in this version, I am sure I have an alternative to that which I have currently chosen to keep on the back-burner.

 

Please rip it apart and let me know if there is something that has gone worse from the version above.

 

=============================================================================

 

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya.

Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy.

 

Karan is bewildered to say the least when Chhaya claims that he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him.

 

Shattered and heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain, and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods. He doesn’t really have a choice because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#58 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 09:42 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

There are a lot of things that I have changed (including the hook, again) and there are things that I want to change even in this version.

So if you have any doubts or if you don't like something in this version, I am sure I have an alternative to that which I have currently chosen to keep on the back-burner.

 

Please rip it apart and let me know if there is something that has gone worse from the version above.

 

=============================================================================

 

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya.

Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy. (Having read previous versions of this, I can see that you're trying to scale back and make the hook more matter-of-fact... which I'm torn on. I LIKE how clear this is- but I wish the two sentences were merged. Is the story told from Karan's POV only, because this seems like it's multiple POV/interwoven with the two of them. Also, just a quick moment- from reading down, I know Karan is male, but it's not clear until the end of the second paragraph.)

 

Karan is bewildered to say the least (I'd get rid of 'to say the least') when Chhaya claims that he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. (I'd make this a little clearer, but not longer- for example, Karan's bewildered when Chhaya reveals the power of telepathic subjugation which has lain dormant.... etc) The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop,( I get how you're trying to fit in Hanuman's back story here, but I'd roll it into the last sentence because I had to read back here to realize what you might mean.) Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him.

 

Shattered and heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain, and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods.(Had to read this last sentence a few times- it doesn't flow well. Nothing technically wrong with it, but came across as clunky) He doesn’t really have a choice because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

First, no need to reciprocate- my query's closed atm. :) But you're doing good work here- I can see it going in the right direction. I'm not sure you need the Monkey God element in the query, but if you feel it's important, I'd roll some of the Monkey God details together. Good luck! <3 



#59 MICRONESIA

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Posted Yesterday, 07:07 AM

Gonna go in "cold," without reading previous versions, as I find that's usually more productive for a first read.

 

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya.

 

SPACE.

 

Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy. Cool! I'm not so keen on "saving the galaxy," though. Can you re-phrase it so it's not cliche?

 

According to Chhaya, Karan possess a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop "Helped to stop" is super-awkward phrasing., Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse. Do you really want to name this guy Karan? I was lost in pronouns for a while here.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him. So... we don't get to see it? Monkey god?

 

Shattered and heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers Whose? Again, pronoun issues. "Protect his powers" is super-vague. – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his heartbreak, and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods. Vague. He doesn’t really have a choice because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. This paragraph falls flat. I have no idea what Karan has to DO, who he's fighting, what choice he has to make (you say he has "no choice," which makes him a passive character). Also, these last few sentences don't hit very hard. "Consent" is a weak word to end on.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

There are some cool plot elements here, but I sort of feel you end the query too early. "Chick I'm into is actually an alien. I apparently have powers to stop other aliens from... something or other." I get zero sense of impending doom and/or stakes, and I'm not even sure what type of story this is. Space battles? Something else? "Face threats" is about as vague as one can get.

 

And yes, the stakes paragraph is always super, super hard.  :tongue:


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#60 punitrastogi

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Posted Yesterday, 08:57 AM

There are some cool plot elements here, but I sort of feel you end the query too early. "Chick I'm into is actually an alien. I apparently have powers to stop other aliens from... something or other." I get zero sense of impending doom and/or stakes, and I'm not even sure what type of story this is. Space battles? Something else? "Face threats" is about as vague as one can get.

 

And yes, the stakes paragraph is always super, super hard.  :tongue:

I agree that the threats and the impending doom is missing in the query.

I tried to figure out how to put it through, but it doesnt seem possible without a brief on the following:

 

A big part of Hindu mythology is the battle of Ramayan between Ram (the God), and Ravan (the demon). Hanuman, as you can imagine, fought alongside Ram.

My story mentions that

a. All Gods and Demons are actually aliens.

b. The events of Ramayan were real, and Ravan (although human) was instigated and supported by an alien dark entity with technologies much advanced than the Gods.

Without Hanuman, Ram would have easily lost the battle.

 

As the same dark entity creates another monster, much more powerful than Ravan, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found, Karan and others like him are required to team up and use Hanuman's powers to stop the war - an encore of the battle of Ramayan.

If Karan doesn't help, this time Ravan wins, and the demons take over the galaxy.

 

Any tips on how to include this in the query? :D







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