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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-Fi)

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

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#61 MICRONESIA

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 10:30 AM

Okay, that stuff has to go in there because it's compelling as hell. It totally changes the dynamic of the story.

 

It's unique. It's a selling point. It's a hook.

 

 

I think you're gonna have to explain it...

 

a) in the SIMPLEST and MOST CONCISE way you can, and

 

b) in a way that doesn't make us pause (i.e. you work it in as you tell the story).

 

 

Have you tried such a thing in previous queries?



#62 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 10:50 AM

Actually I have.

Let me find a version for you which mentions that.

Meanwhile, do go through my synopsis if you think that will help you with better inputs.

#63 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 10:58 AM

Actually I have.

Let me find a version for you which mentions that.

Meanwhile, do go through my synopsis if you think that will help you with better inputs.

Okay, I think the point you're at is a good one- at some point, every query reaches a point where you actually go past the best (story) version, to reach the best (format) version. You have to circle back a little and pick up the story elements that were left behind.

 

If you can copy the version you think was the best (story) version here, I can look at it alongside this most recent (pretty clean!) format version, and we can workshop it, if you think that will help.



#64 lnloft

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 11:05 AM

I agree that the threats and the impending doom is missing in the query.

I tried to figure out how to put it through, but it doesnt seem possible without a brief on the following:

 

A big part of Hindu mythology is the battle of Ramayan between Ram (the God), and Ravan (the demon). Hanuman, as you can imagine, fought alongside Ram.

My story mentions that

a. All Gods and Demons are actually aliens.

b. The events of Ramayan were real, and Ravan (although human) was instigated and supported by an alien dark entity with technologies much advanced than the Gods.

Without Hanuman, Ram would have easily lost the battle.

 

As the same dark entity creates another monster, much more powerful than Ravan, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found, Karan and others like him are required to team up and use Hanuman's powers to stop the war - an encore of the battle of Ramayan.

If Karan doesn't help, this time Ravan wins, and the demons take over the galaxy.

 

Any tips on how to include this in the query? :D

Agreed, this is good stuff. Combining Hindu mythology with aliens is definitely going to get some agents' attention. It certainly catches mine. What about, roughly:

 

"Karan learns that everything he learned about Gods and Demons is real, only not in the way he thought. They're actually aliens, and their mythological battle was instigated by a dark entity with advanced technology. Last time, it was stopped by Hanuman (description of Hanuman).

 

But now the dark entity has returned, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that's left of him is a dormant power of telepathic subjugation, found in the genes of Karan and a rare few others like him. If Karan doesn't help, this time dark entity wins and demons take over the galaxy."

 

That's just sort of a framework to consider. It's tough to work around too many proper nouns. If you were working with Christian mythology, people would know what you meant if you just said "Apocalypse", or with Norse mythology and "Ragnarok", and you could just forge ahead knowing that people already understood enough context. But I've never heard of Ramayan, which is part of the reason that it's AWESOME you're getting it more representation (because it totally sounds badass). But it does mean you have to tread a more delicate line in what introducing. But I think you do need this, because it makes me way more excited about your book. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#65 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 12:52 PM

So this is a year old version of the query which was not structured in an engaging manner.

But it does cover the angle of Ramayan a little bit.

 

==============================================

 

Karan grew up with the mythology of his religious belief featuring Gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, his best friends, and the girl of his dreams. But everything changes when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. 

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking to her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to him, Chhaya was the one looking for him to complete her own mission.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, she reveals that the Gods and Monsters are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, one of the 8 lineages of Possessors that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She requests his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy.

 

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors, assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan is expected to come out of his reclusive shell and use his powers to save the galaxy. But his sensitive heart doesn’t want to forgive those who deceived him. That is until tragedy strikes home, and he is forced to take a stand.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

===================================

 

I have previously been criticised for ignoring Karan and Chhaya's relationship, and focusing more on the mythology.

 

The version that was replied with that criticism is:

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. She explains that thousands of years ago, an aboriginal primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities, and the extra-terrestrials are referred to by humans as Gods and Demons.

 

Chhaya reveals that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead the other possessors and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

With everything he knew about his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#66 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 02:18 PM

Awesome! I think you can really patch together the best parts of these- I'm going to go ahead and just make a few notes in pink... I'm not going to critique each one fully, but I read them both through, and will highlight which parts make more sense in each. :)

So this is a year old version of the query which was not structured in an engaging manner.

But it does cover the angle of Ramayan a little bit.

 

==============================================

 

Karan grew up with the mythology of his religious belief featuring Gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, his best friends, and the girl of his dreams. (I kind of like this better than the "everything's going well" in your most recent one... but that being said, your hook is MUCH stronger in the new one.) But everything changes when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. 

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking to her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to him, Chhaya was the one looking for him to complete her own mission. New version much stronger- nothing here I think you need to keep.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, she reveals that the Gods and Monsters are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, one of the 8 lineages of Possessors that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She requests his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy. (This! When I read both, THIS made more sense to me than what you have in the current version- though I'd clean it up slightly for word count to say "stop an impending galactic war".)

 

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors, assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan is expected to come out of his reclusive shell and use his powers to save the galaxy. But his sensitive heart doesn’t want to forgive those who deceived him. That is until tragedy strikes home, and he is forced to take a stand.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration. The rest is much stronger in the new version.

 

===================================

 

I have previously been criticised for ignoring Karan and Chhaya's relationship, and focusing more on the mythology.

 

The version that was replied with that criticism is:

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. (purrr- love this phrase!)

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her. ('manipulating him into liking her' sounds kind of clunky) She explains that thousands of years ago, an aboriginal primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities, and the extra-terrestrials are referred to by humans as Gods and Demons.

 

Chhaya reveals that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead the other possessors and stop the galactic apocalypse. (The previous version was much clearer than this, I think.)

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

With everything he knew about his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#67 MICRONESIA

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 02:43 PM

You know... I just looked at both of your old queries. While I think each has some good things going on, the best description you ever gave of the gods was earlier this morning!

 

Seriously. Take this stuff below and condense it. Simplify. Sharpen. Take a step back and see what it looks like. THEN we can start thinking of ways to work it into the query.

 

 

A big part of Hindu mythology is the battle of Ramayan between Ram (the God), and Ravan (the demon). Hanuman, as you can imagine, fought alongside Ram.

My story mentions that

a. All Gods and Demons are actually aliens.

b. The events of Ramayan were real, and Ravan (although human) was instigated and supported by an alien dark entity with technologies much advanced than the Gods.

Without Hanuman, Ram would have easily lost the battle.

 

As the same dark entity creates another monster, much more powerful than Ravan, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found, Karan and others like him are required to team up and use Hanuman's powers to stop the war - an encore of the battle of Ramayan.

If Karan doesn't help, this time Ravan wins, and the demons take over the galaxy.



#68 Denisa

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 04:59 PM

Thank you so much for critiquing my query! I will reciprocate tomorrow, with a clear mind and fresh eyes. It's kinda late in my part of the world :)



#69 Denisa

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 05:48 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

There are a lot of things that I have changed (including the hook, again) and there are things that I want to change even in this version.

So if you have any doubts or if you don't like something in this version, I am sure I have an alternative to that which I have currently chosen to keep on the back-burner.

 

Please rip it apart and let me know if there is something that has gone worse from the version above.

 

=============================================================================

 

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya.

Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy.  Nice! I love the whole alien seductress in human disguise :)

 

Karan is bewildered to say the least when Chhaya claims that he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God. As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop, you don't really nead this Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him.

 

Shattered and heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s. Not sure about this sentence. Maybe say that Chhaya isn't the only one to deceive him. Karan's best friend revels himself  to be the protector of... Something along those lines. 

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain Considering doom's day is upon them, Karan's devastation and pain don't feel that natural. Okay, he's pissed they lied, he's very disappointed, he feels betrayed , but devastated to the point he needs to muster strength to overcome his pain seems too much , and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods. He doesn’t really have a choice because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. this need explanations, or rephrasing because as is, i don't really get what you're trying to say.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#70 cmmg

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 03:52 PM

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

There are a lot of things that I have changed (including the hook, again) and there are things that I want to change even in this version.

So if you have any doubts or if you don't like something in this version, I am sure I have an alternative to that which I have currently chosen to keep on the back-burner.

 

Please rip it apart and let me know if there is something that has gone worse from the version above.

 

=============================================================================

 

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya.  (Why was this on another line, but not a new paragraph?) Chhaya, (I feel like a connecting sentence should be good here like "Chhaya, on the other hand/meanwhile is" or something) an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy.

 

Karan is bewildered to say the least when Chhaya claims that he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation (a note here, if someone isn't familar with the gendering of the name Chhaya, they might think the Chaaya is the one with the dormant power (since she's an alien) and be thrown by the "he" or think that's a typo. That may never be a problem, but it occured to me. Also, it's not clear what telepathetic subjugation really means). The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God (okay so why does Karan have it? Maybe putting "the power originally belonged" helps because now this seems a bit disconnected). As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop before (if Hanuman was just around, why would Karan have this power? if Hanuman stopped a similar galatic civil war presently, why isn't he here to stop this one? Or do you mean the civil war he stopped on earth? Then say that. Because you're sort of implying that Hanuman is an alien/has an alien power, so like, this civil war could be anywhere, be clearer. ), Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him (This is where you lose me. Maybe this is just me, but I assumed what she revealed her form as an alien when she told him about her powers/I never thought that he was in doubt about his powers. Since you mention that she's an alien the begin, that's when I assumed that he found out, since queries are in chronological order.).

 

Shattered and heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception (I feel like that's a bit much. Wait, is he shattered just that she's an alien? Because that seems a reach to be be heart-broken that she's an alien. But if he's heartbroken because he thinks that she specifically seduced him to get his help and never loved him, then I would understand, but that needs to be clear), Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce (this seems like an overstatement. Especially because Harshit still seems like a cool dude. Just because he has alien powers doesn't mean Harshit isn't a chill bro and they can't be happy doing friend stuff like eating out and going to sports events or whatever), a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain(I'm actually 0% invested in his pain, to be honest. some girl he liked is an alien, okay? And? She's one girl. I mean, what if she wasn't an alien but could never love him for another reason? Would that really be equivalent pain tot he world possibly ending? I think not. And again, just because Harshit initially befriended him for a different reason doesn't mean they aren't friend now. If you mean "Harshit confesses that he's only tolerating Karan because" than okay, then I'd see Karan's hurt, but like, doesn't this man have other friends? LIke I get this would be difficult, but the scale seems vastly disproportionate, especially because you started with a world ending civil war.), and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods. He doesn’t really have a choice because, unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent (obviously? I mean like this is ending has a few issues. It's presenting a vastly skewed set of choices and it doesn't seem like there's really any reason not to work with the aliens. Like, his feelings got hurt so he's going to let them die?)

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think that the wording here is mostly good, but the query starts to feel less impactful the more carefully I read it and think about what it implies. The logic here, and the choices, don't really add up for me.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#71 cmmg

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 04:09 PM

I thought it might be helpful if I highlighted key points that I think don't come across in the current query but probably should

So this is a year old version of the query which was not structured in an engaging manner.

But it does cover the angle of Ramayan a little bit.

 

==============================================

 

Karan grew up with the mythology of his religious belief featuring Gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, his best friends, and the girl of his dreams. But everything changes when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. 

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking to her (why? She's very cardboard here). Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to him, Chhaya was the one looking for him to complete her own mission.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings (again, it says he has a life with the girl of his dreams, but he doesn't, he hasn't even shown interest in her, so his feelings are very swallow), she reveals that the Gods and Monsters are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, one of the 8 lineages of Possessors that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She requests his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy. (There are too many words in this bit, but I think the idae that gods and monsters are real and aliens, more than just Hanuman, could be helpful to you, that)

 

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors, assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan is expected to come out of his reclusive shell and use his powers to save the galaxy. But his sensitive heart doesn’t want to forgive those who deceived him ("Sensitive heart" c'mon man. A sensitive heart means you don't want to hurt people. It doesn't mean you agree to let others die.). That is until tragedy strikes home, and he is forced to take a stand.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

===================================

 

I have previously been criticised for ignoring Karan and Chhaya's relationship, and focusing more on the mythology.

 

The version that was replied with that criticism is:

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a beguiling woman Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But before he could tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating him into liking her (This isn't apparent in the current query and I think it makes more sense for Karan to be upset at her manipulating him, than just that she's an alien. Even having "alien seductress" doesn't help because unfortunately even though it's supposed to imply powerful seduction a lot of men use it just to mean "attractive woman." ). She explains that thousands of years ago, an aboriginal primate from Earth thwarted a galactic civil war with his extraordinary abilities, and the extra-terrestrials are referred to by humans as Gods and Demons.

 

Chhaya reveals that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight abilities of the ancient primate. As another and more destructive galactic civil war looms, Chhaya needs Karan’s help to find and lead the other possessors and stop the galactic apocalypse.

 

But all Karan can think of is her deception(this is important) and his broken heart (I care less about this in the current query because it implies he never knew Chhaya that well so he's not really heart broken because he doesn't know her. When you have to call off your wedding because your fiance of two years turned out to be cheating on you, that's heart break. If he hasn't even been on a date with this girl, and has only known her for months, his feelings can't be this deep. It feels like he's only upset because he lost the idea of her. And we don't know anything about her to understand why that might be, so it feels swallow). In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.(this reads stronger here in than in the current version but again, doesn't he have other friends?)

 

With everything(Two things) he knew about his life revealed as a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.(being scared I feel works better than just being "hurt" or "listening to his heart" you could even imply that he's scared and doesn't trust them, since they lied to him before, which might combine what you're going for. But if there are scary monsters, than having that in there, helps because the current version, not so much) And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

In general I think mention some specifics could help your current query, but I also think you're entire structure of the two "sides" or helping/not helping needs work. While I understand Karan's hurt more when I get more background on Chhaya and Harshit, his emotions are still comparatively shallow. he doesn't know Chhaya that well to be heart broken, and her and Harshit are only two people. It would take so much time to explain them that would take away from the cool magic aspect of it.

 

Also, the issue with the first one is that you were being too specific, not necessarily the types of things you were including. You can mention the God-Monster-Alien connection, but expand in explanation of what that means, not in introduction of new words, classes and rules.

 

I hope that clarifies somethings?


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#72 W.P.

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 01:47 PM

Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in Mumbai, is hopelessly in love with Chhaya. 

Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, needs Karan’s help in saving the galaxy.

((I do think this should be your hook  (in terms of content) however I feel like the way it is written sells it short. It's written too "matter-of-factly". Needs flare to get the agent interested in my opinion. Sentences should be merged. Might be hard because both have too much information. Also, I think you could find a better way of dropping "a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker". Like at the end of the paragraph. When you say "needs Karan's help in saving the galaxy" you could then add something like "but what can he, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker, do?" not a very good example, but shows what I mean. And you could join "Karan is hopelessly in love with Chhaya" and "am alien seductress in human disguise" by using a linking sentence or expression like "(...) in love with Chhaya, too bad she's a (...)" Again, not the best example. )))

 

Karan is bewildered to say the least when((I suggest making this shorter. Just "Karan is bewildered" is enough)) Chhaya claims that he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient indigenous primate from Earth who came to be known as Hanuman the Monkey God.((I suggest removing this. It's not needed))) As a galactic civil war looms, similar to the one Hanuman helped to stop,((also not necessary))) Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending apocalypse.

 

To convince Karan of her story, Chhaya reveals her true form to him. ((not needed))

 

Shattered and((I suggest removing this since it's repetitive))) heart-broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan hopes for solace by confiding in his best friend Harshit. Instead, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect his powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

With his happy life revealed as a farce, a devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain, and work with the ones that betrayed him to face threats that have petrified the Gods. He doesn’t really have a choice because, (((I suggest rephrasing this. this is removing any possible mystery and agency on Karan's part. It's saying he has no choice and telling us he will do exactly this. Meaning, when we finish the query we don't feel the need to know what will happen. because we know what will happen. does that make sense?))) unlike Chhaya, other aliens might not wait for his consent. 

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

I feel like the query has improved and is more cohesive and to-the-point. :) Although there were a few unnecessary details which I pointed out inline. I hope this helps. :)

 

I have a new revision up for my query. If you could check it out, it'd be great. :) http://agentquerycon...-fantasy/page-3



#73 punitrastogi

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 09:00 AM

Thank you everyone for the awesome nudge and inputs.

 

I guess you guys are right.

The romance-mythology-science-fantasy combination is my USP, and should not be neglected in any version.

 

Also, my initial target audience is from India (my home country).

Terms and Names like Karan, Chhaya, Harshit, Ramayan, Hanuman, Ram, Ravan, etc., are all fairly common and a reference is understood without the need for much of gender-explanation/backstory.

 

Considering these things, I have prepared two versions of the query (again).

 

One with less use of the terms of the mythology (sadly Harshit had to go.), targeted at the ones who are not aware of those things.

And one with using the terms on the face value, intended for the agents who I would primarily be applying to.

 

Please have a look and let me know your comments at either/both.

 

Thanks a ton in advance. :)

 

P.S.: If you are a fresh reader, and need to understand the mythological basis of the story, please have a look at the crash course here --> http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=357199

 

================================================================================

 

With less mythological terms:

 

Thousands of years ago, Humans witnessed an intergalactic civil war, and called the winners as Gods and the losers as Demons. Unaware of his connection to the war, Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in modern-day Mumbai, plans to confess his love to Chhaya – an alien seductress in Human form.

 

Karan’s intentions are halted when Chhaya talks about the ancient war and it becoming the basis of the battle of Ramayan in Hindu mythology. The Gods had no chance against the technological advanced Demons, if not for the extraordinary abilities of the Earthly primate – Hanuman.

 

As another, more destructive war looms, Chhaya informs a shocked Karan that he possesses the ability of telepathic subjugation – one of the eight powers of Hanuman. With Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya requests Karan’s help in finding and leading the other possessors, and stop the demons from taking over the galaxy.

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Karan realizes that his actions will impact billions across the galaxy. With his reality turned on its head, and his heart broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan must somehow muster the strength to face the threats that have petrified the Gods for many millennia. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

 

With clear mythological terms:

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her love. Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, said yes because she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya claims he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient primate known by Hindus as Hanuman the immortal Monkey God. If not for Hanuman, Ravan would have won the battle of Ramayan. As another Ravan-like demon rises at another corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe.

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

A devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and work with the people who he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#74 cmmg

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 11:41 AM

Thank you everyone for the awesome nudge and inputs.

 

I guess you guys are right.

The romance-mythology-science-fantasy combination is my USP, and should not be neglected in any version.

 

Also, my initial target audience is from India (my home country).

Terms and Names like Karan, Chhaya, Harshit, Ramayan, Hanuman, Ram, Ravan, etc., are all fairly common and a reference is understood without the need for much of gender-explanation/backstory.

 

Considering these things, I have prepared two versions of the query (again).

 

One with less use of the terms of the mythology (sadly Harshit had to go.), targeted at the ones who are not aware of those things.

And one with using the terms on the face value, intended for the agents who I would primarily be applying to.

 

Please have a look and let me know your comments at either/both.

 

Thanks a ton in advance. :)

 

P.S.: If you are a fresh reader, and need to understand the mythological basis of the story, please have a look at the crash course here --> http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=357199

 

================================================================================

 

With less mythological terms:

 

Thousands of years ago, Humans witnessed an intergalactic civil war, and called the winners as Gods and the losers as Demons. (This is interesting but I don't know how well it's working as your hook) Unaware of his connection to the war, Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in modern-day Mumbai, plans to confess his love to Chhaya – an alien seductress in Human form. (I feel like this is much clearer about their relationship than before, but it lacks a little punch for your opening hook.)

 

Karan’s intentions are halted when Chhaya talks about (this phrasing is a little weak here) the ancient war and it becoming the basis of the battle of Ramayan in Hindu mythology (this feels too on the nose explain-y. If this is the version for people with no background knowledge you have to sort of hint at things, so the reader understands without just outright saying it like this. also "and it becoming" is awkwardly phrased). The Gods had no chance against the technological advanced Demons, if not for the extraordinary abilities of the Earthly primate – Hanuman.(this sentence reads clear, but i'm not sure how it's connected to the one before it. But I may be confused about other things. Still I think a better connection could help. Do you mean "But Karan's intentions are halted when Chhaya reveals the truth about the ancient war, the real battle of Ramayan. [long ago? Currently?] The Gods had no chance against...." I feel like there's some disconnect is what I mean. Is the battle Chhaya mentions about what really happened back then? Because that's a little unclear. I also think you need a connecting sentence between these too like "But Karan's intentions are halted when Chhaya reveals the truth about the ancient war, the real battle of Ramayan. [In truth, this anceint intergalactic battle almost ended in genocide.] The Gods..." there's a missing connection linking the ancient battle of Ramayan with the intergalactic war mentioned in the very beginning which the next sentence banks on your understanding)

 

As another, more destructive war looms, Chhaya informs a shocked Karan that he possesses the ability of telepathic subjugation – one of the eight powers of Hanuman. With Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya requests Karan’s help in finding and leading the other possessors, and stop the demons from taking over the galaxy.(I actually love this paragraph, I think it explains Chhaya's plan very cleary)

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.(this still accomplished nothing. It's not a cool element, and it doesn't relate to the plot since there's so much going on.)

 

Karan realizes that his actions will impact billions across the galaxy. With his reality turned on its head, and his heart broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan must somehow muster the strength to face the threats that have petrified the Gods for many millennia. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.(I like this paragraph much better than the last one because it's going the route of "my entire world is a lie" instead of focusing really personal on just Chhaya, but again, his heart break is so minimal because it's still not heart break they were never even together.)

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

 

With clear mythological terms:

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her love. Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, said yes because she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.(I like the sentiment of this hook, but I feel the wording could be better.)

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya claims he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient primate known by Hindus as Hanuman the immortal Monkey God. If not for Hanuman, Ravan would have won the battle of Ramayan. As another Ravan-like demon rises at another corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe. (I like this paragraph. I do think there's a fair bit going on, but if your literary agent is famillar with it, that's all that matters. Though I do want to point out, that the query isn't for your audience is for your agent, I don't know where you're querying for but if you want a story that will appeal to audience X that's not the same as who you're agent is necessarily.)

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s. (I don't think it matters that his best friend turns out to have been lying to him when the whole world is already at stake. If you introduced this BEFORE the galactic civil war maybe it would work but after it feels very much like "look at all these crimes he commited! Murder! Genocide! And Jaywalking")

 

A devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and work with the people who he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think these are fairly equivalent. You can you more or less mythological specific terms but the issues from way back before was a bit of the number you used and the issue more recently was how you connected them. Since even if someone was talking about Greek mythology which a lot of people are familar with, introducing 6 characters is too many and not being clear what exactly you mean can still be an issue.

 

For instance, if I said "and then Helen revealed herself to be an alien, bent on stopping a galactic war like the ancient war on Tartarus. But to do she needs the help of someone descended from Zeus, Hades, Persphone or Hera, those with the specific power of X, to stop the current civil war and vanquish the Titans once and for all." The issue here isn't the unfamillar names, it's the fact that it's unclear how the past and present wars line up, and the mention of Titans is too far from Tartarus where the Titans were banished, so it seems to come out of nowhere even for people who know that Tartarus is the prison of the Titans. It's also not super clear here at first, why they would need someone who has those powers, even if you already knew that Zeus was the one who originally banished the Titans to Tartarus.

 

Sorry if that example doesn't make sense, but I'm trying to say that even if people were familiar with Hanuman, the way you worded things was still objectively confusing. Comparatively, this version is much clearer, with or without the specific mythological terms. At least, I think so.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#75 lnloft

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 08:04 PM

Thank you everyone for the awesome nudge and inputs.

 

I guess you guys are right.

The romance-mythology-science-fantasy combination is my USP, and should not be neglected in any version.

 

Also, my initial target audience is from India (my home country).

Terms and Names like Karan, Chhaya, Harshit, Ramayan, Hanuman, Ram, Ravan, etc., are all fairly common and a reference is understood without the need for much of gender-explanation/backstory.

 

Considering these things, I have prepared two versions of the query (again).

 

One with less use of the terms of the mythology (sadly Harshit had to go.), targeted at the ones who are not aware of those things.

And one with using the terms on the face value, intended for the agents who I would primarily be applying to.

 

Please have a look and let me know your comments at either/both.

 

Thanks a ton in advance. :)

 

P.S.: If you are a fresh reader, and need to understand the mythological basis of the story, please have a look at the crash course here --> http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=357199

 

================================================================================

 

With less mythological terms:

 

Thousands of years ago, Humans witnessed an intergalactic civil war, and called the winners as Gods and the losers as Demons. I'm not sold on a hook not including the main character, but I really like this line. By why is "Humans" capitalized? Unaware of his connection to the war, Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in modern-day Mumbai, plans to confess his love to Chhaya – an alien seductress in Human form.

 

Karan’s intentions are halted when Chhaya talks about the ancient war and it becoming the basis of the battle of Ramayan in Hindu mythology. The Gods had no chance against the technological advanced Demons, if not for the extraordinary abilities of the Earthly primate – Hanuman.

 

As another, more destructive war looms, Chhaya informs a shocked Karan that he possesses the ability of telepathic subjugation – one of the eight powers of Hanuman. With Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya requests Karan’s help in finding and leading the other possessors, and stop the demons from taking over the galaxy.

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Karan realizes that his actions will impact billions across the galaxy. With his reality turned on its head, and his heart broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan must somehow muster the strength to face the threats that have petrified the Gods for many millennia. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

 

With clear mythological terms:

I like this one better. I find it to be a little clearer, so that's what I'm critiquing.

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her love. Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, said yes because she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. In theory, I like this hook. It does a much better job of setting up Karan as a dude who just wants to live an average life, settle down with a nice woman and start a family, but, yeah, whoops, that woman is actually an alien and things are about to go sideways, and doing it in an interesting way. But, since I have to nitpick, the first line rather sounds like he's literally asking, "Hey, so you want to get dinner this week? And then after that will you love me for the rest of your life?" Like, slow down, dude. And then also I read her saying yes as her saying yes to loving him rather than just the date. Oh, and also, I guess this should be in present tense? But I absolutely like what you are trying to do here, so just tinker a bit with it and you should be good.

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya claims he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient primate known by Hindus as Hanuman the immortal Monkey God. If not for Hanuman, Ravan would have won the battle of Ramayan. As another Ravan-like demon rises at another corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe.

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him. In either query, I don't see any purpose for this line. I didn't wonder how she convinces him, I just sort of took it as she does, so to me this slows everything down.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

A devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and work with the people who he held closest to his heart – the very ones that who deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

So, of course, America-centric me doesn't even stop to think who you are querying this to. Sorry. Are you planning on querying in Indian? Because then you're probably on solid footing of people understanding the context without you explaining. Just be careful of still throwing around too many proper nouns, because even if we understand them it can get overwhelming. If you were writing about Christian mythology I would understand the context if you were talking about God and Lucifer and the Garden of Eden and archangels and Genesis, but it would still be a little too much to take in. I'm not sure which, if any, of your mythology references you can take out, but think about it. But I like where you're going with this. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#76 TheBest

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 04:10 PM

Thank you everyone for the awesome nudge and inputs.

 

I guess you guys are right.

The romance-mythology-science-fantasy combination is my USP, and should not be neglected in any version.

 

Also, my initial target audience is from India (my home country).

Terms and Names like Karan, Chhaya, Harshit, Ramayan, Hanuman, Ram, Ravan, etc., are all fairly common and a reference is understood without the need for much of gender-explanation/backstory.

 

Considering these things, I have prepared two versions of the query (again).

 

One with less use of the terms of the mythology (sadly Harshit had to go.), targeted at the ones who are not aware of those things.

And one with using the terms on the face value, intended for the agents who I would primarily be applying to.

 

Please have a look and let me know your comments at either/both.

 

Thanks a ton in advance. :)

 

P.S.: If you are a fresh reader, and need to understand the mythological basis of the story, please have a look at the crash course here --> http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=357199

 

================================================================================

 

With less mythological terms:

 

Thousands of years ago, Humans witnessed an intergalactic civil war. The winners were called Gods and the losers Demons. Unaware of his connection to the war, Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in modern-day Mumbai, plans to confess his love to his ___ Chhaya (Relation?). Unfortunately, Chhaya is also an alien seductress in Human form.

 

Karan’s courtship is halted when Chhaya begins to talk about the ancient war forming the basis of the battle of Ramayan in Hindu mythology. Gods had no chance against the technological advanced Demons, if not for the extraordinary abilities of the Earthly primate – Hanuman. Karan only sees it as an extrodinary red flag.

 

As another, more destructive war looms, Chhaya informs a shocked Karan that he possesses the ability of telepathic subjugation – one of the eight powers of Hanuman. With Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya requests Karan’s help in finding and leading the other possessors, and stop the demons from taking over the galaxy.

 

Chhaya convinces Kara by revealing her true, bio-luminous form. Karan realizes that his actions will impact billions across the galaxy. He's, understandably, a little nervous.

 

With his reality turned on its head, and his heart broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan must somehow muster the strength to face the threats that have petrified the Gods for many millennia. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

 

With clear mythological terms:

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her love. Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, said yes because she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. (This is good, but i suggest throwing in a little humor here. If it's serious, make it more concise.)

 

Karan is bewildered  shocked when Chhaya claims he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient primate known by Hindus as Hanuman the immortal Monkey God. If not for Hanuman, Ravan would have won the battle of Ramayan. As another Ravan-like demon rises at another corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe. (Little too much info here)

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s. (This is strong. Keep this.)

 

A devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and work with the people who he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 
You've got great concept, but tend to give too much information. You could cut a good amount of the world building, and instead, just focus on relationships and stakes. Good job and good luck!!!
 
You can find my query here: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/


#77 RegE

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 10:54 PM

Thank you everyone for the awesome nudge and inputs.

 

I guess you guys are right.

The romance-mythology-science-fantasy combination is my USP, and should not be neglected in any version.

 

Also, my initial target audience is from India (my home country).

Terms and Names like Karan, Chhaya, Harshit, Ramayan, Hanuman, Ram, Ravan, etc., are all fairly common and a reference is understood without the need for much of gender-explanation/backstory.

 

Considering these things, I have prepared two versions of the query (again).

 

One with less use of the terms of the mythology (sadly Harshit had to go.), targeted at the ones who are not aware of those things.

And one with using the terms on the face value, intended for the agents who I would primarily be applying to.

 

Please have a look and let me know your comments at either/both.

 

Thanks a ton in advance. :)

 

P.S.: If you are a fresh reader, and need to understand the mythological basis of the story, please have a look at the crash course here --> http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=357199

 

================================================================================

 

With less mythological terms:

 

Thousands of years ago, Humans witnessed an intergalactic civil war, and called the winners as Gods and the losers as Demons. Unaware of his connection to the war, Karan, a reclusive twenty-six-year-old banker in modern-day Mumbai, plans to confess his love to Chhaya – an alien seductress in Human form. How is he connected to the war?? I think you need to say this. Like is Karan a reincarnation of someone that took part it the war??

 

Karan’s intentions are halted when Chhaya talks about the ancient war and it becoming the basis of the battle of Ramayan in Hindu mythology. The Gods had no chance against the technological advanced Demons, if not for the extraordinary abilities of the Earthly primate – Hanuman.

 

As another, more destructive war looms, Chhaya informs a shocked Karan that he possesses the ability of telepathic subjugation – one of the eight powers of Hanuman. With Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya requests Karan’s help in finding and leading the other possessors (of the power?), and stop the demons from taking over the galaxy (so they want to take over the galaxy, not just the Earth).

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Karan realizes that his actions will impact billions across the galaxy. With his reality turned on its head, and his heart broken by Chhaya’s deception, Karan must somehow muster the strength to face the threats that have petrified the Gods for many millennia. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

 

With clear mythological terms:

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her love. Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, said yes because she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. I prefer this opening. 

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya claims he possesses a dormant power of telepathic subjugation. The power belonged to an ancient primate known by Hindus as Hanuman the immortal Monkey God. If not for Hanuman, Ravan would have won the battle of Ramayan (In the past. A breif explanation of the ancient war here would help). As another Ravan-like demon rises at another corner of the galaxy (not keen on the repetition of another), and Hanuman nowhere to be found, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe.

 

To convince Karan, Chhaya displays bio-luminescence and levitates, revealing her true form to him.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s. << I don't tthink we need to be introduced to this extra character. 

 

A devastated Karan must somehow muster the strength to ignore his pain and work with the people who he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his powers, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I love the whole concept. A fictional book based of  Hindu mythology is def one I would read. I've visited India on a few occasions so maybe I'm bias! Both queries have good things about them, but there are parts which are clear in one version, that aren't clear in the other and vice versa. In query 1 I don't understand Karan's link to the ancient war, or that his power's are the same as Hanumen's. In query 2 that is clearer, but the fact that the war took place in the past isn't explained. I don't think either was more difficult to understand than the other regarding mythological terms.  I think you need to focus on how he is related to the past war and why he has Hanumen;s powers. For me this would clear up the confusion I felt when reading it. :)



#78 RegE

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 01:28 AM

I'm also not a big fan of the title. I hope this doesn't offend you. I know names are v personal, or the name might be a working title. If your MC Karan is the one being subjugated, why is your title The Subjugator, as if the antagonist is the most important thing. It's like calling Harry Potter, Voldemort and the philosopher;s stone! I think it would be rally cool if your name had something to do with Indian mythology. Maybe try contrasting something v modern with the name of an ancient deity.  



#79 punitrastogi

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 01:42 AM

I'm also not a big fan of the title. I hope this doesn't offend you. I know names are v personal, or the name might be a working title. If your MC Karan is the one being subjugated, why is your title The Subjugator, as if the antagonist is the most important thing. It's like calling Harry Potter, Voldemort and the philosopher;s stone! I think it would be rally cool if your name had something to do with Indian mythology. Maybe try contrasting something v modern with the name of an ancient deity.


The book was previously called "Vasitva" - The ability of Hanuman to subjugate anyone he desires.
Hanuman is supposed to have 8 Siddhis or attainments. Hence the series is called "Siddhi"

But only a handful of people know the meaning of Vasitva. So, I changed it to Siddhi:The Subjugator, which is one of the adjectives of Hanuman, and Karan being the subjugator in my story.

Any other suggestions for the title?

#80 punitrastogi

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 03:00 AM

Thank you all so very much for your comments.

 

All of you made very valid points.

But of the 4 comments I received, 2 wanted Harshit and 2 didn't.

Such is the dilemma and the beauty of this forum.

 

I guess if I don't mention him, Karan's heartbreak and pain is not completely justified and displayed in the query.

Without Harshit, Karan's trouble sound like 'Ok, so your gf was an alien. "I am not even mad. That's amazing"'

 

So, I decided to keep him in, because he plays a big role in this story - and in the series that follows this book.

I also rearranged Chhaya's claims a little bit, to follow the logical progression of events and topics.

 

Having said that, here is the latest version for you to devour.

=====================================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya asserts that the ancient battle of Ramayan was actually fought between alien races which humans later referred as Gods and Demons. If not for Hanuman, the demons would have won and taken over the galaxy. After the battle, Hanuman’s powers were passed into eight lineages for safe-keeping, should they be needed again.

 

To Karan’s shock, Chhaya claims he has inherited Hanuman’s dormant power of telepathic subjugation. With the demons mobilizing their forces again on a different planet, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 

A devastated Karan must muster the strength to work with the people he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his power, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Fantasy, Multi-Cultural, Science Fiction

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