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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-Fi)

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

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#81 yawriter

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 06:34 PM

Hey there!So first off, to me, 5 paragraphs is off-putting. Remember that a query from top to bottom needs to be around 250.

=====================================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. I like this. They need something from each other .

 

Karan is bewildered when Chhaya asserts that the ancient battle of Ramayan was actually fought between alien races, which humans later referred as Gods and Demons. If not for Hanuman, the demons would have won and taken over the galaxy. After the battle, Hanuman’s powers were passed into eight lineages for safe-keeping, should they be needed again.

 

To Karan’s shock, Chhaya claims he has inherited Hanuman’s dormant power of telepathic subjugation. With the demons mobilizing their forces again on a different planet, Chhaya pleads for Karan’s help to find and lead others like him to stop the impending catastrophe.

 

Shattered by Chhaya’s deception and manipulation for his powers, Karan confides in his best friend since high school – Harshit. To make matters worse, Harshit confesses that he befriended Karan only to protect the powers – like his ancestors had done with Karan’s.

 Not sure if you need this paragraph at all. Adds confusion.

 

A devastated Karan must muster the strength to work with the people he held closest to his heart – the very ones that deceived and betrayed him. And he needs to recover quickly because there are others who want his power, and unlike Chhaya, they will not wait for his consent.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Not sure what the actual conflict is here...I think there was a LOT going on. What is the main problem that needs to be solved...stick to just that instead of more the relationships. Happy to look at it again when you make a new version :) 

Hope this helped! 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#82 punitrastogi

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 03:27 AM

Ok.

I know this is a pretty quick turn-around and a different structure that has been created, pretty fast.

But someone just nudged me to the fact that I might have stumbled upon the optimum version/feedback, and just moved over from it without thinking deep.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this is the one.

Even if it is not, I am going to work on this and update this structure.

Unless a lot of you think that this is a complete disaster. :D

 

====================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed – instead of being magical supernatural entities, they're aliens. One of which had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the demons against the gods. The gods won, only because they had Hanuman on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God.

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that’s left, are his abilities lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads Karan to understand his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors.

 

If he doesn’t, the gods lose, and demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would have to face dangers that have scared the gods for many a millennia.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#83 cmmg

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 05:39 PM

Ok.

I know this is a pretty quick turn-around and a different structure that has been created, pretty fast.

But someone just nudged me to the fact that I might have stumbled upon the optimum version/feedback, and just moved over from it without thinking deep.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this is the one.

Even if it is not, I am going to work on this and update this structure.

Unless a lot of you think that this is a complete disaster. :D

 

====================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed – instead of being magical supernatural entities, they're aliens. One of which had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the Demons (be consistent with the capitalization) against the Gods. The Gods won, (I really want to add "but" here) only because they had Hanuman on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God (this is wordy, I'd try to get this across clearer. Maybe, "possessed eight extraordinary abilities" also "came to be known as" could be shortened especially).

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found (I really like this sentence). All that’s left, are his abilities lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads Karan to understand his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors.

 

If he doesn’t, the Gods lose, and Demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would have to face dangers that have scared the Gods for many a millennia.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think there's a lot that works here and the overall elements are pretty good. I would say that I would maybe flesh out at the end, Karan's connection. There's a "why him" in that, he possesses one of the 8 abilities, but I think maybe expanding a bit could help, since immediately after "you have one of the powers" it's the final sentence and maybe having a bit in-between would help. I like how you introduce the concepts in this one though, and I think that's the really thing to nail down.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#84 Bkrasnik

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 01:24 PM

Ok.

I know this is a pretty quick turn-around and a different structure that has been created, pretty fast.

But someone just nudged me to the fact that I might have stumbled upon the optimum version/feedback, and just moved over from it without thinking deep.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this is the one.

Even if it is not, I am going to work on this and update this structure.

Unless a lot of you think that this is a complete disaster. :D

 

====================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended (what he really wanted was) to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his (what she really wanted was his) help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. Kind of funny, I like this hook. I just think what I used in parentheses works a little better.

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed – instead of being magical supernatural entities (when I think of entities, I think of business entities. Is there maybe a better synonym for this?), they're aliens. One of which had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the demons against the gods. The gods won, only because they had Hanuman on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God.

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that’s left, are his abilities lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads Karan to understand his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors. (this paragraph is really good.)

 

If he doesn’t, the gods lose, and demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would have to face dangers that have scared the gods for many a millennia. (I feel like "scared" is an understatement here. And for "for many a millennia" sounds like an awkward phrase that might need rewording.)

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance (most books have elements of romance even if they are not in the romance genre, so I don't think that is necessary to include), along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

This is much better than the older version I read. I don't have much comments to give, because I think you are almost there! Good job!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#85 Bkrasnik

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 03:25 PM

This is much better than the older version I read. I don't have much comments to give, because I think you are almost there! Good job!

I just noticed, I didn't highlight some of my comments in blue. I just fixed this issue, so if you didn't see them yet, review the blue one more time! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#86 jpfranco

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 08:43 AM

Ok.

I know this is a pretty quick turn-around and a different structure that has been created, pretty fast.

But someone just nudged me to the fact that I might have stumbled upon the optimum version/feedback, and just moved over from it without thinking deep.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this is the one.

Even if it is not, I am going to work on this and update this structure.

Unless a lot of you think that this is a complete disaster. :D

 

====================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed – instead of being magical supernatural entities, they're aliens. This is super interesting, but it doesn't show up again in your query. Also, it leaves me wondering if Chhaya is merely a seductress or also a god. One of which this is not a good way to start a sentence, and it is confusing. Which one was it?  had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the demons against the gods. The gods won, only because they had of Hanuman on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved I'm not sure 'acheived is the ritght word here. Maybe just 'has,' unless there is some significance in how we gained the abilities. eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God.  

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that’s left, missplaced comma are his abilities, comma lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads with Karan to understand use his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors.

 

If he doesn’t, If who doesn't what? Make this more specific, i.e. If Karan refuses, the gods lose, and demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would will have to face dangers that have scared the gods for many a millennia. Are gods really afraid, though? Maybe they are in your world. It is a strong sentence, but 'dangers' is a bit vague. You might be able to make this last sentence even stronger.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

You've got something interesting here. Good luck!



#87 JDSmith

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Posted 26 September 2018 - 04:41 PM

Ok.

I know this is a pretty quick turn-around and a different structure that has been created, pretty fast.

But someone just nudged me to the fact that I might have stumbled upon the optimum version/feedback, and just moved over from it without thinking deep.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this is the one.

Even if it is not, I am going to work on this and update this structure.

Unless a lot of you think that this is a complete disaster. :D

 

====================================================================================

 

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise ,(I don't think you need that. You get it with the "galactic apocalypse" part) agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. OOOh I like this. very original.

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed – instead of being magical supernatural entities, they're aliens. One of which had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the demons against the gods. The gods won, only because they had Hanuman (almost read it as "human" haha) on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God.

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that’s left, are his abilities lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads with Karan to understand his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors.

 

If he doesn’t, the gods lose, and demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would have to face dangers that have scared the gods for many a millennia. (maybe give an image of the kinds of dangers?)

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

The first paragraph is a great hook. Second and third are iffy for me. They feel like an exposition dump, but not the fun kind. I'm digging the premise, apocalypse in space? sign me up! I think you need to find a better way to incorporate Karan with the exposition. Maybe something like "Karan learns that the gods and demons... etc... they're aliens. And Karan is a descendant of one of them." or something like that. whatever better suits your story. This way we get more Karan.

 

Overall I think you're close to having it!  I think this structure can work with the necessary tweaks!


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#88 Dollophead

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Posted 28 September 2018 - 12:13 AM

When twenty-six-year-old banker Karan asked Chhaya on a date, he intended to ask for her affection. When Chhaya, an alien seductress in human disguise, agreed, she intended to ask for his help in stopping a galactic apocalypse. Love your hook. Can you do mine?

 

Karan learns from Chhaya that the Gods and Demons of human mythology are real, only not in the way commonly believed [Consider something more like, "only less supernatural and more intergalactic." – instead of being magical supernatural entities, they're aliens. One of which had caused an ancient galactic civil war, by corrupting a human into leading the demons against the gods. The gods won, only because they had Hanuman on their side. An indigenous primate from Earth, Hanuman achieved eight extraordinary abilities and came to be known as the Monkey God. So...my only problem here is that Karan doesn't drive this paragraph. It's more informational than telling me how he's carrying the story. Consider shortening the exposition and integrating what Karan is going to do with his power, or how he discovers it--basically just how he moves the plot forward.  

 

Also, why is it called The Subjugator? Usually I can tell how the title connects to the MC or the plot in a query, but in this one idk who it is??

 

But now the demons have chosen a new leader, on the far corner of the galaxy, and Hanuman is nowhere to be found. All that’s left, are his abilities lying dormant in eight human possessors – including Karan. Chhaya pleads Karan to understand his power of telepathic subjugation, and to help find and lead the other possessors.

 

If he doesn’t, the gods lose, and demons take over the galaxy. If he does, he would have to face dangers that have scared [what about, "terrified?" or "unsettled"?] the gods for many a millennia.

 

THE SUBJUGATOR is a 100,000-word NA science fantasy novel with elements of romance, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think the second paragraph is the only one with any issues. Just make sure you keep Karan's goals the focus, and how he's going to carry this plot for 100K words :)







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