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The Age of Mind Control Query 250 words

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#1 david_a99

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 07:06 PM

David Addo

To Mr. or Ms.,

  
  

I am seeking representation for my young adult sci-fi novel, THE AGE OF MIND CONTROL. Completed at 55,000 words, I believe that my novel would be a good fit for your agency.

 

 

Kim Lee, the school bully is writhing on the ground in extreme agony. After a bit of investigation, Donovan discovers that the cause behind this is a mind control technology, ages ahead of its time. Also, that the mindseal has been affecting Kim’s harsh behavior from years ago. The question remains, why?  A series of further investigations reveals the lethal technology, the mindseal has had its crippling affect and Kim’s mind is no longer his own. And behind this act of cruelty, is none other, than his own father. Despite his dislike for Kim, Donovan’s sense of justice is disturbed and he wants answers.

 

 Robert Merlyn plans to rule Derrydown City with this technology and bring his warped version of justice into place.  Donovan must choose whether the man who has raised him from birth bringing out good qualities in him, has the right or wrong view of justice.  One decision will save his city, preserve the freedom of his friends, family and city. He could lose his father as a man who he would have in his life.  The other, allow it to be ruined, ignore his conscience, gain his father’s satisfaction and prevent his family from breaking apart.  And if he doesn’t make his mind up soon enough, his father will forcefully change his mind with the mindseal.. THE AGE OF MIND CONTROL weaves into the past very briefly to Robert Merlyn’s painful childhood to see what changed him to be the man he is now. Readers will be unsure whether to sympathize with the villain or not, as they learn that he was once a helpless and traumatized child. Robert’s counterparts are aware of the knowledge Donovan attains, and will stop at nothing to kill him behind his father’s back.   

 

I look forward to hearing from you, Mr. or Ms. Thank you for your consideration and time.

 

I will personalize the beginning to the agency I send it to.



#2 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 04:08 PM

 

David Addo

To Mr. or Ms.,

  

​Hello David,

  

I am seeking representation for my young adult sci-fi novel, THE AGE OF MIND CONTROL. Completed at 55,000 words, I believe that my novel would be a good fit for your agency.

 

 

Kim Lee, the school bully is writhing on the ground in extreme agony. After a bit of investigation, Donovan discovers that ​a the cause behind this is a mind control technology ​has the power to hurt people. (say how and who?) of course ages ahead of its time.​)))) ​Have a one sentence hook here. Also mention Donovan and his age, unless it's adult. Maybe mention Donovan causing Kim to hurt, if that's how he acts. You can mention bully getting hurt in hook, or in the following paragraph

 

Also, that the mindseal has been affecting Kim’s harsh behavior from years ago. The question remains, why?  A series of further Investigations reveal the lethal technology, the mindseal has had its crippling affect and Kim’s mind is no longer his own. And behind this act of cruelty, is none other, than his own father. Despite his dislike for Kim, Donovan’s sense of justice is disturbed and he wants answers. ​So is Kim your main character? or Donovan? We know nothing really about Donovan, and then your jumping to Robert. Stick with your protag and antag.

 

 Robert Merlyn plans to rule Derrydown City with this technology and bring his warped version of justice into place.  Donovan must choose whether the man who has raised him from birth bringing out good qualities in him, has the right or wrong view of justice.  One decision will save his city, preserve the freedom of his friends, family and city. He could lose his father as a man who he would have in his life.  The other, allow it to be ruined, ignore his conscience, gain his father’s satisfaction and prevent his family from breaking apart.  ​break this paragraph up And if he doesn’t make his mind up soon enough, his father will forcefully change his mind with the mindseal.. THE AGE OF MIND CONTROL weaves into the past very briefly to Robert Merlyn’s painful childhood to see what changed him to be the man he is now. Readers will be unsure whether to sympathize with the villain or not, as they learn that he was once a helpless and traumatized child. Robert’s counterparts are aware of the knowledge Donovan attains, and will stop at nothing to kill him behind his father’s back. 

 

​I'd probably just focus on Rob and Don, since that seems like the main part of your story. It sounds really cool

and interesting. I hope my comments helped.

 

Please reciprocate at -  http://agentquerycon...-book/?p=345792

 

Thanks

 

I look forward to hearing from you, Mr. or Ms. Thank you for your consideration and time.

 

I will personalize the beginning to the agency I send it to.

 


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com






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