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Best Answer smithgirl , 25 September 2017 - 09:48 AM

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm going to retire my query for now. Thanks SO MUCH for everyone who helped me turn the horrible first draft into something that is really SO MUCH better. The advice I've gotten here has been invaluable.

 

Best, good luck, and much thanks.

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#1 smithgirl

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 04:08 PM

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you in advance for anyone who reviews my query. I appreciate it! I'm happy to look at your query, too.

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

[opening stuff]

 

 

Guy is a thirty-eight year-old biochemist, but he comes to believe that the only way to recover from his wife’s death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

When Guy’s wife of ten years, Elsie, is killed in an accident, he withdraws to a state of near-isolation. In an attempt to re-enter life, he reconnects with an old girlfriend who comes to stay with him and on a whim they paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. But things get weird when photographs of the bedroom get posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery, Arthur, who asks to show Guy’s bedroom as a work of contemporary art.

 

Guy initially refuses, but then sees another work being shown by Arthur: a black and white photograph of a deer leaping to its death. Guy becomes obsessed with the photo, then convinced that it trapped his dead wife’s spirit (she also died in a fall). Arthur refuses to sell it to him, so he agrees to show his bedroom, thinking it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich. Nonetheless, he is convinced he must go through with it and then, somehow, get the photograph for himself. Otherwise he will never move on from Elsie’s death. But Guy is unsure he can survive the show, emotionally, and Arthur still refuses to sell him the photo.

 

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]



#2 Bibliophyl

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 07:02 PM

I'm fairly new to critiquing queries, but I hope I can offer some helpful suggestions!

 

Guy is a thirty-eight year-old biochemist, but he comes to believe that the only way to recover from his wife’s death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

I like this, but I'd tighten up your hook a bit. Maybe "After his wife's death, biochemist Guy [don't think his exact age is that important] thinks he can recover from his wife's death by freeing her spirit from a photograph."

 

When Guy’s wife of ten years, Elsie, is killed in an accident, he withdraws to a state of near-isolation. In an attempt to re-enter life, he reconnects with an old girlfriend who comes to stay with him and on a whim they paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. But things get weird when photographs of the bedroom get posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery, Arthur, who asks to show Guy’s bedroom as a work of contemporary art.

 

I almost wonder if you can cut all of this. At the end of the very first sentence, you've got Guy trying to free his wife's spirit from the photo, so it reads a bit disjointedly to zoom back in time to her death and the ensuing events. I'd skip right to where he gets interested in the photo in the next paragraph. Either that or start the hook earlier. 

 

Guy initially refuses, but then sees another work being shown by Arthur: a black and white photograph of a deer leaping to its death. Guy becomes obsessed with the photo, then convinced that it trapped his dead wife’s spirit (she also died in a fall). Arthur refuses to sell it to him, so he agrees to show his bedroom, thinking it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich. Nonetheless, he is convinced he must go through with it and then, somehow, get the photograph for himself. Otherwise he will never move on from Elsie’s death. But Guy is unsure he can survive the show, emotionally, and Arthur still refuses to sell him the photo.

 

Could start "When Guy sees a photograph of a deer leaping to his death, he becomes obsessed with the image. His wife also died in a fall, so he becomes convinced that the photograph has trapped Elsie's spirit." I'd get rid of the parenthetical; it breaks the flow. 

 

I'd like a bit more clarity on the stakes/conflict. Why doesn't Guy think he can emotionally survive the show? What will happen if he doesn't? Will he have a mental break and go insane from grief or something? I also find myself wondering what triggers him to think that the photo is the embodiment of his wife's spirit. A bit more specificity there would be great, even if it's just that his grief is making him grasp at straws to reconnect with his wife somehow. 

 

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

 

 

Hope my comments were helpful! The plot itself sounds intriguing. :)



#3 scooper09

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 11:14 AM

Guy is a thirty-eight year-old biochemist, but he comes to believe that the only way to recover from his wife’s death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph. (Okay I got the hook!)

 

When Guy’s wife of ten years, Elsie, is killed in an accident, he withdraws to a state of near-isolation. In an attempt to re-enter life, he reconnects with an old girlfriend who comes to stay with him and on a whim they paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. But things get weird when photographs of the bedroom get posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery, Arthur, who asks to show Guy’s bedroom as a work of contemporary art.

 

(I think this can be shorten to one or two sentences that gets to the meat of the matter. Lead in quicker about the gallery wanting to show is bedroom.)

 

Guy initially refuses, but then sees another work being shown by Arthur: a black and white photograph of a deer leaping to its death. Guy becomes obsessed with the photo, then convinced that it trapped his dead wife’s spirit (she also died in a fall). This needs to be more than a side note.Arthur refuses to sell it to him, so he agrees to show his bedroom, thinking it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich. Nonetheless, he is convinced he must go through with it and then, somehow, get the photograph for himself. Otherwise he will never move on from Elsie’s death. But Guy is unsure he can survive the show, emotionally, and Arthur still refuses to sell him the photo.

 

I think you need more of a connection of why Guy thinks the spirit of his dead wife is trapped in the photo. Are the black crime scene stencils in the bedroom of his wife's death? That would be the connection for the perverse voyeuristic thrill(I might have missed that).  Are there any obstacles beyond getting the photo from Arthur that Guy has to overcome to free his wife's spirit?

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

 

I think the elements to a good query are here. You just need to flush them out more.  I'm almost in agreement with the first reviewer that the second paragraph is not needed.  My thoughts are to shorten it and combine it with subsequent paragraph. Hope my two cents helps!



#4 smithgirl

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 01:29 PM

Query attempt #2. Thank you in advance!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

[opening stuff]

 

After his wife dies Guy, a biochemist, becomes convinced the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

Guy’s trying to re-start his life and on a whim he and a friend paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. But things get weird when photographs of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery. The gallerist, Arthur, asks Guy to show his bedroom as an interactive work of contemporary art, a tribute to the abstract crime: the murder of Guy’s marriage.

 

Guy initially refuses, but then he sees another work being shown by Arthur. It is a photograph of a deer leaping to its death, an image of the moment before falling. The photo captures Guy’s own secret view of his wife, a dancer named Elsie, whose vital and kinetic nature led him to think of her as living in the moment after the trip and before the fall. When Arthur refuses to sell him the photo, he decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, however, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich. Nonetheless, he must go through with it, and he must also somehow get the photograph. Otherwise Elsie’s spirit will be trapped forever and Guy will never be able to move on.

 

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]



#5 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 05:14 PM

Could you maybe start with - After his wife dies in a fall, Guy, .....

I think it would set up the connection to the photo.

Sounds deep.  :smile: 



#6 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 01:56 AM

[opening stuff]  Your "opening stuff" should be your hook sentence.

 

After his wife dies, Guy (Is that a last name? Strange name.), a biochemist, becomes convinced the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph. (How did her spirit get trapped in the photograph. Great hook by the way.)

 

Guy’s trying to re-start his life and on a whim. (Don't forget the period. & what do you mean by "on a whim"?) He and a friend (You don't mention the friend again, so that that out.) paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. (This seems random.) But things get weird when photographs of his bedroom are posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery. The gallerist, Arthur, asks Guy to show his bedroom as an interactive work of contemporary art and a tribute to the abstract crime: the murder of Guy’s marriage. (His wife was murdered? Perhaps mention that earlier. Painting his bedroom the way he did would make more sense if you mention that. Also, how was his wife murdered? Did Guy know how his wife was murdered? Who did it? Was there a big investigation?) - (Also, I may suggest to change the name "Guy" because I keep wanting to read it as "guy" like "a random guy down the street" or "that guy".)

 

Guy initially refuses, but then he finds another work being shown by Arthur. It is an image of the moment before the deer leaps to its death. photograph of a deer leaping to its death, an image of the moment before falling. The photo captures Guy’s own secret view of his wife, a dancer named Elsie (If you're going to mention her name, mention it when you first mention her.), whose vital and kinetic nature led him to think of her as living in the moment after the trip and before the fall. (That last sentence got a little much. Can you condense it down?) When Arthur refuses to sell him the photo, he decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph (This is the first time you mention anything about what your hook did. The part of the query before this and after the hook sentence almost seems like a different book because it doesn't mention the spirit in the photograph or what he plans to do to get the spirit out of the photograph or how the spirit got into the photograph at all. I'd focus the query more on that plot instead of him refusing to showcase his bedroom. ). As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s on the show, but also him: a perverse voyeuristic (A what? What's that?) thrill for the super-rich (So... What does that mean for Guy? How does he feel about it?). Nonetheless, he must go through with it, and he must also somehow get the photograph. (The photograph seems like a random side plot now.) Otherwise his wife's Elsie’s spirit will be trapped forever and Guy will never be able to move on. (The "not moving on" is clique. - I'd focus more on her spirit being trapped forever.)

 

FALLING (Title is in capital letters.) is a science fiction novel. literary novel (But what genre? This seems like a soft sci-fi novel. Not a literary novel. Literary novels are books that are usually taught in English classes. Not written.). It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

This is a good start. I think focusing more on his wife's spirit, how it got there, how he knows how to get it out, etc. will help improve your query and make it stand out more. : ) Good job!



#7 smithgirl

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 09:22 AM

Hi Robin,

 

I have some answers to your comments:

 

1. Elsie' spirit is not really trapped. Guy just comes to think it is. It's a delusion on his part. Maybe it would help to say it's a delusion right in the hook.

2. Yes, the bedroom painting is a completely random idea (what I tried to convey by "on a whim.")

3. Elsie was not murdered. She died in a freak accident when she collided with another dancer during ballet class. The "murder of his marriage" is an abstract concept generated by Arthur, that because Guy's wife was killed, his marriage was murdered. Arthur is creating an abstract tribute to a generally overlooked aspect of spousal death.

4. I had previous comments that people wanted to know why Guy felt like the photograph might trap her spirit, so I added the part to the query about how she lived in the moment after the trip and before the fall.

5. The show is important and related to the photograph because, in Guy's mind, it provides the conduit through with Elsie will be able to escape the photograph, which he then needs to acquire to protect her.

6. This is NOT a sci fi novel. It is completely literary. Elsie is not actually trapped -- this is all a delusion on Guy's part. It's difficult to write a query for the story because it's very abstract, about a man who engages with contemporary art to recover from the death of his wife.

 

Thanks for stopping by!



#8 jaustail

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 12:49 PM

JMO:


After his wife dies(maybe comma) Guy, a biochemist(is this biochemist part used later in the query? if not, then you can remove this), becomes convinced(become convinced doesn't fit here. it can fit like: Seven years has passed since his wife has died but Guy is still in grief. When his friend mentions some tale, Guy becomes convinced...) the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph(which photograph? any random photograph or some special photograph of some particular incident? how does this thought come in Guy's mind?).

Guy’s trying to re-start his life(maybe remove this.) and on a whim he and a friend paint his bedroom bright yellow with black crime scene stencils. But things get weird when photographs of the bedroom are posted online(who posts them? is Guy shocked to find them? write this from Guy's pov) and discovered by the owner of an art gallery. The gallerist, Arthur, asks Guy to show his bedroom as an interactive work of contemporary art, a tribute to the abstract crime: the murder of Guy’s marriage.

Guy initially refuses, but then he sees another work being shown by Arthur. It is a photograph of a deer leaping to its death, an image of the moment before falling. The photo captures Guy’s own secret view of his wife, a dancer named Elsie(this makes me think this is a query of some other book), whose vital and kinetic nature led him to think of her as living in the moment after the trip(which trip?) and before the fall(mention earlier that the wife died by falling. from where did she fall?). When Arthur refuses to sell him the photo, he decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, however, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich(this is interesting. so Arthur is some selfish guy who only sees money and organizes entertainment from the rich from voyeurism). Nonetheless, he must go through with it, and he must also somehow get the photograph. Otherwise Elsie’s spirit will be trapped forever and Guy will never be able to move on.

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]


I think this is a scrap and redo. The third paragraph had too much story and made me think i'm reading some other book from the first 2 paragraphs.

Maybe cut down some of the stuff.

Link to my query is in my signature in case you want to read it.

#9 smithgirl

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 12:53 PM

OK, I'm trying super hard to address everyone's issues. Hopefully this is better. Thanks again!

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

After his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion begins a year his wife, Elsie’s, death: the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by an art gallerist, Arthur. Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the murder of a marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo for himself, to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit for Elsie to escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. Additionally, he begins to fear he is suffering this new trauma for nothing, because Elsie will not be freed after all. But if he cannot free her or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever, Guy will be tied to her, and he can never love another woman.

 

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]



#10 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 01:30 PM

Query attempt #2. Thank you in advance!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

[opening stuff]

 

​Hello Smithgirl,

 

After his wife dies ​(His name's Guy?) Guy, a biochemist, becomes convinced the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph. ​I really like this hook, but it confused me with Guy. Maybe use an em-dash after dies-- or say, her husband, Guy, Plus, Guy sounds crazy, lol, maybe in the first sentence of the next paragraph, you can tell us why a logical chemist would think he could spiritually resurrect his dead wife from a photo. I love the hook though.

 

Guy’s trying to re-start his life ​How long has wifey been dead? and on a whim he and a friend paint his bedroom bright yellow ​Why? with black crime scene stencils. But things get ​Give us details of what weird means? weird when photographs of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by the owner of an art gallery. The gallerist, Arthur, asks Guy to show his bedroom as an interactive work of contemporary art, ​(((( not sure what this next sentence means -a tribute to the abstract crime: the murder of Guy’s marriage. ​is this a title?

 

​((((Guy initially refuses, but then he sees another work being shown by Arthur. It is a photograph of a deer leaping to its death, an image of the ​I think you have some powerful stuff between these parenthesis's, but it's confusing. Work on simplicity and clarity. This sounds like a fascinating story and I would read it.moment before falling. The photo captures Guy’s own secret view of his wife, a dancer named Elsie, whose vital and kinetic nature led him to think of her as living in the moment after the trip and before the fall. ​)))))When Arthur refuses to sell him the photo, he decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a ​((séance-like ​(use colloquial terminology. conduit​)) for Elsie’s escape through him and out of the photograph. As the show approaches, however, Guy comes to understand that it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a ​(Here's the reason why I like this story. I can see what you're trying to convey, but it makes absolutely no sense. That will be the difficult part for your query is taking these complex ideas and making them easy to understand)perverse voyeuristic thrill for the super-rich. Nonetheless, he must go through with it, and he must also somehow get the photograph. Otherwise Elsie’s ​(Now if her spirit is trapped, what makes this guy believe she can be rescued? Does she give him hints in his realm? We need reason)spirit will be trapped forever and Guy will never be able to move on. 

 

 

​As I said, this story sounds cool. But keep at the query and it will become more clear.

 

​Please reciprocate at - http://agentquerycon...-book/?p=345722

 

Thank you

 

Falling is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#11 jaustail

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 01:14 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

After his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced(how does he become convinced? where does he get this photo idea from?) that the only way to recover from her death(maybe: the only way to recover from grief...or the only way to get over her death...) is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.(he would have ample photographs of her so this doesn't seem like a difficult job.)

 

The delusion begins a year (after)his wife, Elsie’s, death(put this in the beginning): the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by an art gallerist, Arthur. (paragraph break)Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the murder of a marriage(murder of marriage made me think that a marriage breaks. i dont think it's same as death of spouse. death is more like in hands of fate whereas marriage break is like actual murder of love and whatever the marriage comprised of). Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.(this is so much clearer than the earlier version)

 

Guy feels he needs the photo for himself, to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit(i didnt understand this) for Elsie to escape through him and out of the photograph(the photo is in some gallery of Arthur. Arthur will put up a show of Guy's house. So how will the spirit escape from the photograph?). (paragraph break)As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. Additionally, he begins to fear he is suffering this new trauma for nothing, because Elsie will not be freed after all(why does he think she won't be freed?). But if he cannot free her or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever, Guy will be tied to her(add: through guilt), and he can never love another woman(maybe remove this. it lightens the seriousness of Guy's situation. made me laugh actually.  this guy wants to free his wife just so he could love some other girl. so maybe remove the red part).

 

 

Falling(maybe use capital letters) is a literary(maybe: Literary) novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

 

I think the premise of the story is a husband who wants to rescue his wife's spirit from some photo. He's going through guilt. That part comes across from the query. But the seance and conduit part confused me. Maybe rework on that. Good luck!!

 

Link to my revised query is in my signature, in case you want to have a look.



#12 smithgirl

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 01:09 PM

Hi Everyone! Much thanks to all the people who have/will provide feedback. I appreciate it!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by a contemporary art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo, to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. Additionally, as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever, Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]



#13 jaustail

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 01:14 PM

I'm on mobile so can't critique much. There is one typo.
He begins to fears
should be
He begins to fear.
No s.

I'll critique when I m on laptop.

#14 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 03:28 PM

Hi Everyone! Much thanks to all the people who have/will provide feedback. I appreciate it!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by a contemporary art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it comma Guy sees Elsie’s spirit. (YES!! I like this!)

 

Guy feels he needs the photo, should the comma be there? I'm losy with them. to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom. (Yes again)

 

As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show comma here, I think but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. (wow!) Additionally, as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever,period. Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

This is like night and day from before. I had a tough time following it earlier. This is great! Congrats!

I made some more suggestions to show solidarity with Ireth.



#15 Red elephant

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 03:51 PM

This is my first time critiquing a query, and I will try my best. I would really appreciate if you could take a bit of time to critique mine: http://agentquerycon...d-001/?p=345760

 

 

Hi Everyone! Much thanks to all the people who have/will provide feedback. I appreciate it!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph. Do you think it's important to say why he is convinced of this? And how did she die? Because later you mention: crime scene of a destroyed marriage. 

 

The delusion that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by a contemporary art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo, to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show  but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. I love the twist but is it a TV show? I thought he was showing the bedroom to Arthur only.  Additionally, as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever, Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

 

Personally, I like it. I think you do a good job. 


I will love you if you could critique my query

 

http://agentquerycon...ost-7/?p=345760


#16 Ireth

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 04:00 PM

Hi Everyone! Much thanks to all the people who have/will provide feedback. I appreciate it!

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by a contemporary art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom on TV as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo(no comma) to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s being shown off but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. Additionally, as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever(period) Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#17 Tom C

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 05:54 PM

I'm not sure if I'm going to be much help. My query isn't getting rave reviews  :smile: but here's my contribution:

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion (is it a delusion. If it’s not or it might not you’ll want another word here) that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly is compelled to paint his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and are discovered by a contemporary art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom as a tribute to an overlooked unexplored aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses the show, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo, to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others (is there a reason this would be bad?), but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, however, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s the show but also him: a venue by which strangers vicariously experience another person’s tragedy. Additionally, as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, then her spirit will be trapped forever, Guy will be tied to her (I feel like this needs to be explained, the tie to her. It seems important to the story but I’m not seeing it), and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 



#18 smithgirl

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 06:25 PM

Thanks everyone! Try again.

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies in a freak accident, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are posted online and discovered by an art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom publically as an interactive work of contemporary art, as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it, Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s being shown but also him: a venue by which strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. As the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, her spirit will be trapped forever. Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]



#19 punitrastogi

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 04:23 AM

Definitely not my genre.

But will try and be of some help.

 

Thanks everyone! Try again.

 

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies in a freak accident, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that the spirit of his wife, Elsie, is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom are get posted online and are discovered by Arthur, an art gallerist, Arthur. Then Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom publically as an interactive work of contemporary art, as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it, Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo to protect Elsie’s spirit from being purchased owned by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom in exchange. after all, hoping it will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom.

 

As the show approaches, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s being shown but also him: a venue by which for strangers who experience the high of another person’s tragedy. He still hopes that the show will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom. But as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working. But Now if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, her spirit will be trapped forever. Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]

 

The query had everything needed to make me interested. It just needed some re-arrangement.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Please have a look at my query too. :)



#20 smithgirl

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 02:55 PM

Dear [agent]:

 

 

A year after his wife dies in a freak accident, Guy Park becomes convinced that the only way to recover from her death is by freeing her spirit from a photograph.

 

The delusion that Elsie (his wife's) spirit is trapped, is the culmination of events that follow after he randomly paints his bedroom yellow with black crime scene stencils. Photos of the bedroom get posted online and are discovered by an art gallerist, Arthur. Arthur asks Guy to show his bedroom publicly as an interactive work of contemporary art, as a tribute to an overlooked aspect of spousal demise: the crime scene of a destroyed marriage. Initially Guy refuses, but then he finds another work shown by Arthur. It is a photo of a deer leaping to its death, and in it, Guy sees Elsie’s spirit.

 

Guy feels he needs the photo to protect Elsie’s spirit from being owned by others, but Arthur refuses to sell. So Guy decides to show his bedroom, instead.   

 

As the show approaches, Guy realizes it’s not just his bedroom that’s being shown but also him: a venue where strangers experience the high of another person’s tragedy. Guy hopes that the show will provide a séance-like conduit from which Elsie can leap from the photo in the gallery, to him in his bedroom, and from there to freedom. But as the show progresses, he begins to fear it’s not working.  Unfortunately, if he cannot liberate Elsie or get the photo, her spirit will be trapped forever. Guy will be tied to her, and neither of them will ever be free.

 

FALLING is a literary novel. It is complete at 100,000 words. [closing stuff]






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