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The Patriot's Warning


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#1 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 06:05 AM

Sierra decided the drive to town was worth the risk. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fruits, vegetables, and fresh milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus. As she walked past the park near the grocery store, she paused. Her face warmed, and she found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed.

Long lines, like the ones in the park, spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be running around or playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.

The audience of The Sierra Nicole Show perceived her as a strong-willed woman with a tenacious appetite for being in control. They didn’t associate the political talk show host who treasured shredding a politician’s confidence with the philanthropist who championed the poor, the unfortunate, and the oppressed.

The real Sierra had a gentle soul and found it difficult to disregard a begging hand or a pair of woeful eyes. Suffering was unacceptable. She’d emptied her wallet on more than one occasion after stopping to talk to a street beggar or homeless person, and her home would have resembled an animal shelter if not for the long hours she dedicated to her TV show.



#2 sarahaspen

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 12:57 AM

Sierra decided the drive to town was worth the risk. What is the risk? When editing your work, one tip to keep in mind is to edit out thought verbs like "decided". You can show the reader the decision. Consider something like: Sierra stood in front of the open cabinet, staring down the last can of beans. She took a deep breath and grabbed her car keys off the hook. Thugs be damned, her kids deserved fruit. She headed to the door, but went back to the kitchen and slipped a paring knife into her purse. Just in case. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fruits, vegetables, and fresh milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus. This has good voice. As she walked Did she walk or drive? past the park near the grocery store, she paused. Her face warmed, and she found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed. I suggest putting cause first, then response: She met the weary eyes of mothers and children waiting to be processed, and her face warmed.

Long lines, like the ones in the park, spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations. 

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be running around or playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.

The audience of The Sierra Nicole Show perceived her as a strong-willed woman with a tenacious appetite for being in control. They didn’t associate the political talk show host who treasured shredding a politician’s confidence with the philanthropist who championed the poor, the unfortunate, and the oppressed. 

The real Sierra had a gentle soul and found it difficult to disregard a begging hand or a pair of woeful eyes. Suffering was unacceptable. She’d emptied her wallet on more than one occasion after stopping to talk to a street beggar or homeless person, and her home would have resembled an animal shelter if not for the long hours she dedicated to her TV show. I feel like this part is getting too explanatory and going off on a tangent that is taking me out of the immediacy of the scene. You are trying to explain to the reader what kind of person your character is instead of showing it through her thoughts, emotions and actions. Hope this helps. :)



#3 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 06:24 AM

Sierra decided the drive to town was worth the risk. What is the risk? When editing your work, one tip to keep in mind is to edit out thought verbs like "decided". You can show the reader the decision. Consider something like: Sierra stood in front of the open cabinet, staring down the last can of beans. She took a deep breath and grabbed her car keys off the hook. Thugs be damned, her kids deserved fruit. She headed to the door, but went back to the kitchen and slipped a paring knife into her purse. Just in case. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fruits, vegetables, and fresh milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus. This has good voice. As she walked Did she walk or drive? past the park near the grocery store, she paused. Her face warmed, and she found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed. I suggest putting cause first, then response: She met the weary eyes of mothers and children waiting to be processed, and her face warmed.

Long lines, like the ones in the park, spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations. 

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be running around or playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.

The audience of The Sierra Nicole Show perceived her as a strong-willed woman with a tenacious appetite for being in control. They didn’t associate the political talk show host who treasured shredding a politician’s confidence with the philanthropist who championed the poor, the unfortunate, and the oppressed. 

The real Sierra had a gentle soul and found it difficult to disregard a begging hand or a pair of woeful eyes. Suffering was unacceptable. She’d emptied her wallet on more than one occasion after stopping to talk to a street beggar or homeless person, and her home would have resembled an animal shelter if not for the long hours she dedicated to her TV show. I feel like this part is getting too explanatory and going off on a tangent that is taking me out of the immediacy of the scene. You are trying to explain to the reader what kind of person your character is instead of showing it through her thoughts, emotions and actions. Hope this helps. :)

Thanks, Sarahaspen. What a cool name! :smile:



#4 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 07:19 AM

Sierra’s drive to the outskirts of town was mentally excruciating. There was no way she’d go to the heart of the city. Leaving her small community wasn’t wise, and she considered turning around and going home several times. Slow, deliberate breaths and holding her chest in an attempt to quell the panic didn’t help. She wasn’t sure who concerned her more, the patrols or the thousands of desperate citizens. It’s worth the risk, Sierra. It’s worth the risk. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fresh fruits, vegetables, and milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus.

She parked her car, put on a face mask and gloves, and took a final deep breath before she opened the door. As she walked past the park near the grocery store, she paused and took in the sight of the playground that was once filled with happy children. Her face warmed, and she found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed.

Long lines, like the ones in the park, spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be running around or playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.



#5 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 03:53 PM

CHAPTER – ONE

One Year After the Warning

 

 There was no way Sierra would go to the heart of the city. Simply driving to the outskirts of town was mentally excruciating. Leaving her small community wasn’t wise, and she considered turning around and going home. Slow, deliberate breaths and holding her chest in an attempt to quell the panic didn’t help. She wasn’t sure who concerned her more, the patrols or the thousands of desperate citizens. It’s worth the risk, Sierra. It’s worth the risk. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fresh fruits, vegetables, and milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus.

She found an empty metered spot and parked. She gripped the steering wheel and took a final deep breath before putting on the face mask and gloves and opening the door. As she passed the park beside the grocery store, she paused at the sight of the playground that was once filled with happy children. She found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed. Long lines, like these spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but with her secret cellar full of supplies, she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.



#6 jaustail

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 05:10 AM

This was a smooth read. I just had a few problems:

 

As she passed the park beside the grocery store, she paused at the sight of the (maybe add: empty) playground that was once filled with happy children. She found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed(i paused here. not sure if processed is the right word.). Long lines, like these spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but with her secret cellar full of supplies, she won’t be doing without(i didnt understand this phrase: doing without. maybe: ...but with her secret cellar full of supplies, her families hunger was taken care of. or something like that). Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.

 

 

Overall it was an easy read.



#7 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 05:36 AM

This was a smooth read. I just had a few problems:

 

As she passed the park beside the grocery store, she paused at the sight of the (maybe add: empty) playground that was once filled with happy children. She found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed(i paused here. not sure if processed is the right word.). Long lines, like these spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but with her secret cellar full of supplies, she won’t be doing without(i didnt understand this phrase: doing without. maybe: ...but with her secret cellar full of supplies, her families hunger was taken care of. or something like that). Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.

 

 

Overall it was an easy read.

Thanks!



#8 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 01:09 PM

CHAPTER – ONE

One Year After the Warning

 

 There was no way Sierra would go to the heart of the city. Simply driving to the outskirts of town was mentally excruciating. Leaving her small community wasn’t wise, and she considered turning around and going home. Slow, deliberate breaths and holding her chest in an attempt to quell the panic didn’t help. She wasn’t sure who concerned her more, the patrols or the thousands of desperate citizens. It’s worth the risk, Sierra. It’s worth the risk. The kids would be thrilled if she came home with fresh fruits, vegetables, and milk. Okay, maybe not the vegetables, but perhaps she’d get lucky and find some bacon. Toilet tissue would be a bonus.

 

 

She found a vacant metered spot and parked. She gripped the steering wheel and took a final deep lungful of air before putting on the face mask and gloves then opened the door. As she passed the park beside the grocery store, she paused at the sight of the empty playground that was once filled with happy children. She found herself mesmerized and tormented by the families waiting to be processed. The media aired constant footage and pictures of the long lines that spread out across the country as anxious, tired, hungry families made a final attempt to get their household IDs before the quarantine began. Without them, they would not receive food or medical rations.

 

Sierra bit her trembling lip. How many would suffer because of her cowardice? Dozens of children hovered close to their parents or lay asleep on the ground when they should be playing on the teeter-totter. Thousands would soon go to bed hungry, but with her secret cellar full of food and supplies, she won’t be doing without. Ashamed, she sat on a bench and watched.



#9 jaustail

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Posted 23 September 2017 - 12:49 AM

When you say 'she found a vacant metered spot' I thought she had trouble finding a spot to park her car. But if the streets were empty, she mustn't have any trouble.

 

Is she heading to some place that has kids or is she heading to give food to her own kids? If she's giving food to her kids then don't they live with her in the same house that has the cellar?

 

I think overall it's an easy read. Not many edits. Good luck!!






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