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The Annulus


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#1 Jonas

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 11:26 AM

Dear Agent,
 
 
With the wars of the 21st century, the world shattered. Rising from the ashes is the Annulus Foundation and with their lead scientist Jean Francour. Together they ushered in the creation of the Annulus. The Annulus gave everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope.

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. An elite task force that is responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. He lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduce to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. His skills and leadership ability makes him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task, a task they couldn’t do with out him. To capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threat to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret, a secret about the foundation. Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. 
 
 I am currently seeking representation for The Annulus, my complete, 90,000 work young adult/ science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I have copied the first fifty pages of my manuscript. I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.
 
Updated #9, I actually liked the first one the best. 
 
Updated #13.
 
Update #17
 
Update #22
 
Update #25-I think, losing count.


#2 Ireth

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 11:43 AM

 

Dear Agent,
 
 
With the wars of the 21st century, the world shattered. Rising from the ashes is the Annulus Foundation and with their lead scientist Jean Francour. (You never mention this name again; I think you should cut it.) Together they ushered in the creation of the Annulus. The Annulus gave everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope.

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector(colon) part of the elite task force that is responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. (I have no idea what the Annulus even is, so this is meaningless to me.) Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. He lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduced to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. His skills (what skills?) and leadership ability make him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task, a task they couldn’t do without him(colon) to capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threats to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, Curtis stumbles upon a secret, a secret about the foundation that, if exposed, would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations
 
 I am currently seeking representation for THE ANNULUS is a YA sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I have copied the first fifty pages of my manuscript. I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.

 


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#3 Jonas

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 11:55 AM

Thank you Ireth!!!



#4 Springfield

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 12:15 PM

 

Dear Agent,
 
 
With the wars of the 21st century, the world shattered. The phrasing here seems off, but more problematic is the inspecificity. Rising from the ashes is the Annulus Foundation and with their lead scientist Jean Francour. This sentence has a slew of errors. Together they ushered in the creation of the Annulus. The Annulus gave everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope. This whole graph isn't actually saying anything, and is full of errors. 

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. An elite task force that is responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. He lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduce to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. His skills and leadership ability makes him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task, a task they couldn’t do with out him. To capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threat to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret, a secret about the foundation. Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. 
 
 I am currently seeking representation for The Annulus, my complete, 90,000 work young adult/ science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I have copied the first fifty pages of my manuscript. I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.

 

 

The next paragraph switched tenses and contained even more errors and vague language. Start with a character, the character's problem, and then the stakes. Also, you must edit your work -- if your query isn't clean, an agent will assume the manuscript has similar issues, and will reject it out of hand. I'm not sure if you've just not really checked over the query but you should make sure the manuscript is also edited, so you don't send a clean query and pages with a bunch of errors.



#5 Jonas

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 02:49 PM

@Springfield

 

Thank you for the response. Can you further explain the errors you see. Thank you. 



#6 Springfield

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 03:10 PM

 

Dear Agent,
 
 
With the wars of the 21st century, the world shattered.
 
Rising from the ashes is the Annulus Foundation and with their lead scientist Jean Francour. <--This is not actually a sentence, to start with. Then you're referring to a foundation with a plural pronoun, and you've got what would be two independent clauses, but no comma, and no comma before the name. 
 
Together comma they ushered in the creation of the Annulus.
 
The Annulus gave everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. A way to not is questionable, as opposed to a way not to, and I don't know what a minuscule of a difference would mean; that's not how minuscule is used, or spelled, btw. 
 
 
It is hope. Antecedent like heck.

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. It's not parallel, but it's not exactly wrong structurally. Information-wise, makes no sense.
 
 
An elite task force that is responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. This is not a sentence, and I suspect the parallelism is also off.
 
 
Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal.
 
Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. Fewer, and there's nothing being modified there -- the connection is missing, the gerund doesn't fix that. 
 
ETC.
 
He lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduce to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. His skills and leadership ability makes him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task, a task they couldn’t do with out him. To capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threat to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret, a secret about the foundation. Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. 
 
 I am currently seeking representation for The Annulus, my complete, 90,000 work young adult/ science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I have copied the first fifty pages of my manuscript. I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.

 



#7 Jonas

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 03:24 PM

Thank you!



#8 scooper09

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Posted 31 August 2017 - 11:35 AM

Dear Agent,
 
 
With the wars of the 21st century, the world shattered. Rising from the ashes is the Annulus Foundation and with their lead scientist Jean Francour. Together they ushered in the creation of the Annulus. The Annulus gave everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope.
(I think the hook needs to be stronger. You might want your MC to develop this first paragraph.)

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. An elite task force that is responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. He lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.
(This paragraph needs to be worked into your hook.)

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduce to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. His skills and leadership ability makes him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task, a task they couldn’t do with out him. To capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threat to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret, a secret about the foundation. Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. 
(I think this paragraph, but you might want to lay out more about Lariat Turiaf (why is he a threat) and if there's any previous connection or parallels to your MC)
 
 I am currently seeking representation for The Annulus, my complete, 90,000 work young adult/ science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I have copied the first fifty pages of my manuscript. I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.
 
I think you have a good start to a query letter, and it seems the elements are present. You just need to develop them more. Hope my input helps. Good luck!
 
Could you please take a look at my query and give me feedback? It would be much appreciated.

 


#9 Jonas

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Posted 07 September 2017 - 03:27 PM

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. An elite task force responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. The Annulus, a tangible object created by the Annulus Foundation; formed by each one’s DNA. One Annulus one person. It has given everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope.

 

Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. Curtis lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduced to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. With his skills of being a Protector and leadership ability make him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task that they couldn’t do without him; to capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threats to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, Curtis stumbles upon a secret about the foundation that, if exposed, would throw the world back into war.

 

THE ANNULUS is a YA sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#10 callalilly

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Posted 07 September 2017 - 07:53 PM

This is a unique sounding book! :) I do have a suggestion if you are interested: I like the explanation of the different parts of your book, but I think this is Curtis' story, so the query should be more about him -a lot of your word count is going to explaining when it would be good if it was describing about Curtis and his conflicts. But this is just my thought, feel free to ignore. Good luck!


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#11 Jonas

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 09:39 AM

Thank you! I have to agree with you, I'll rewrite. 

 

Edit: Actually I have no idea what I should do here. 



#12 jayperin

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 06:02 PM

Living in 2162, in the central region, Curtis Jameson decides to become an Annulus Protector. An elite task force responsible for protection and the safety of everyone’s Annulus. The Annulus, a tangible object created by the Annulus Foundation; formed by each one’s DNA. One Annulus one person. It has given everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any miniscule of a difference. It is hope.

 

Training to be a protector is extreme and brutal. Less than one percent of all applicants make it through training, swallowing up the world’s best and brightest talents. Curtis lives years disconnected from the world, from the city he loves.

Upon being granted to be an Annulus Protector he is re-introduced to the city, living and working with Annulus foundation. With his skills of being a Protector and leadership ability make him unique and trustworthy for the foundation. He is entrusted with a daunting task that they couldn’t do without him; to capture and bring to justice one of the region’s last threats to the Annulus. Lariat Turiaf. Working against the clock, Curtis stumbles upon a secret about the foundation that, if exposed, would throw the world back into war.

 

THE ANNULUS is a YA sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I generally like queries to start with the character, but this might be where you need the setting first. Sort of like Start Trek TOS

 

Earth, 2162: devastated by the wars of the 21st century, now controlled by the Annulus Foundation which protects humanity by guarding the coding in each person's DNA.

 

Ever since he was a boy growing up in the (wilds of Africa, temples of India, mountains of Wyoming. Central region is not enough to give us a picture), Curtis Jameson has longed to be one of the elite protectors working for the foundation.

 

Then, don't go into the details of how long the training takes. Skip to the plot. And give some specifics.



#13 Jonas

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Posted 10 September 2017 - 09:22 PM

Dear Agent

Curtis Jameson is an Annulus Protector and is driven to protect everyone’s Annulus.  The Annulus, a tangible object created by the Annulus Foundation; formed by each one’s DNA. One Annulus one person. The Annulus gives everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any minuscule of a difference. It is hope.

 

Inspired to eradicate the last criminal in his region, Lariat Turiaf. At one-time Lariat was a Protector like him. He knows more about the Foundation then Curtis could ever expect. Curtis reveals that Lariat is going to rob an Annulus Bank. Thousands of the region’s Annuli is at stake, if he fails, the region would be in peril. Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret about the foundation. Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. 

 

THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

​I tried to leave as much as I can about the MC. I suppose the hook doesn't "hook" enough? Is it too short?



#14 Bananas

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Posted 10 September 2017 - 11:21 PM

Haven't read the previous versions or critiques.  Going in clean.

 

Dear Agent

Curtis Jameson is an Annulus Protector and is driven to protect everyone’s Annulus.  The Annulus, a tangible object created by the Annulus Foundation; formed by each one’s DNA. One Annulus one person. The Annulus gives everyone a purpose, a way to not judge anyone by any minuscule of a difference. It is hope.  Do you realize you've used 'Annulus' six times in this paragraph?  That'd be a no-no even if it weren't a unique, made-up word.  I'll skip the obvious anus jokes and get right to the problem with this paragraph.  It's wildly unspecific.  You call an Annulus a tangible object, but that doesn't actually tell us anything.  What does it look like?  What does it do?  You say "formed by each one's DNA", but this doesn't tell us anything.  Not really.  Is it a crystal shard everyone carries around?  A ghost that hovers about their heads?  Does it grant wishes?  Does it foretell the future?  "One Annulus one person" isn't a sentence.  You then say that the Annulus give everyone a purpose, but you don't give any us clues as to what that purpose is.  I truly have no idea what you're saying here.  And "minuscule of a difference"???  Come on.  That's just poor grammar.  

 

This is one darling that desperately needs the axe.  My advice?  Don't try to polish this.  Start from scratch.  Clear your mind and start again.  That sucks, yes, but there's no saving this paragraph.

 

Inspired to eradicate the last criminal in his region, Lariat Turiaf. This is a sentence fragment.  It took me two passes and the next sentence to get that you were referring to Curtis.  At one-time Lariat was a Protector like him. He knows more about the Foundation then than Between the poor grammar in the previous paragraph, the sentence fragment in this one, and then this glaring typo, it makes me suspect that your MS is not ready for prime time.  If you think that's harsh, then I don't think you understand how cutting agents can be.  They receive hundreds of queries a week.  They don't have time to go, "Oh, but it's a small mistake."  Your query needs to be PERFECT.  That's why everyone hates them.  Curtis could ever expect. Curtis reveals that Lariat is going to rob an Annulus Bank. Still no idea what an Annulus is.  Thousands of the region’s Annuli is at stake, if he fails, the region would be in peril. From what?  Be specific.  Vagueness doesn't help you in a query.  Working against the clock, he stumbles upon a secret about the foundation. Is it the Coca-cola formula? You need to be specific here.  Words like secret, mystery, and prophecy are poison.  Exposing the secret would throw the world back into war, Whoa.  Whoa.  War?  Between who?  Over what?  Maybe if you hadn't spent the first paragraph saying Annulus I'd have an idea what you're talking about.  among the secret he realizes his fate might be intertwined with the Foundations. Stakes only work if they're specific and personal.  His fate?  No idea what you're talking about.

 

THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

​I tried to leave as much as I can about the MC. That he's an Annulus Protector?  That's a job title, not characterisation.  I don't get any sense of what he's like as a person.  As far as I can tell he's got a job and he's doing his job.  I just....  zzzzzz.  Sorry, fell asleep there.  Give us something specific about him beyond his job.  What's driving him?  What's his goal? What's holding him back? I suppose the hook doesn't "hook" enough? Is it too short?  There's no hook in there.  Not that I could see, at least.

 



#15 Jonas

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 04:50 AM

Thanks bananas. This is harder than writing the damn book.

 

edit: Also, don't worry about being "too harsh" I welcome it. This is all new to me and becoming a better writer is the main goal here. So, thank you!



#16 Bananas

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 06:12 PM

You first paragraph should focus on your main character, instead of being an explanation of what an Annulus is.  Show us what he's like and what he wants to get out of life.  Then show us the thing that's forcing him into conflict.  

 

BTW, you get one sentence to explain what an Annulus is.  This forces you to be judicious with what details you show us.  Tell us what people use them for, not how they're made.  If you do this right, the Annuluses importance should be obvious.  This should then flow naturally and easily to why your MC is a 'protector' of them.  Also, I made a joke about it earlier, but I seriously hate the word annulus.  It really does look like anus. 

 

As far as the grammar mistakes, they're pretty bad.  Don't take this the wrong way, but this query reads like English isn't your first language.  Unfortunately, there's little anyone can do to help you about this.  Even if the rules of proper grammar are shown to you, it's up to you to internalize them.  It's something you should just feel (hmmm, that doesn't sound right.  Maybe I should fix it.)  I'm not saying that every writer writes perfectly 100% of the time, but I'd fall over dead if any of the pros are putting up accidental sentence fragments.  Maybe you should try reading your work out loud.  Most of the writers I know do this.  If you trip on something while reading it, so will the reader.  

 

Your second paragraph should be about the obstacles your MC faces as he tries to achieve his goal.  That's the key to a query - show us what he wants and what's standing in his way. Do that well, and you're 65% of the way there.  The rest is mostly voice, and that isn't something anyone can help you with - it comes with writing practice.

 

The final paragraph should lay out the stakes - what happens if the MC fails to achieve his goal.  Keep them personal.  For example, saving the world is rarely as meaningful as saving one's family.



#17 Jonas

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 02:01 PM

Just throwing it out there. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Curtis is between a boy and a man, living in the central region of what used to be Midwest America. The world was saved from itself by the Annulus Foundation and its creation. Now, everyone’s DNA is linked through a prism called the Annulus. One Annulus, one person. People embrace the Annulus, it gives them a purpose, and it gives them hope.

 

Curtis is driven to be part of the elite task force that enforces safety of everyone’s Annulus. Little does he know, that his drive to be part of the elite task force isn’t a decision that he made on his own. Never the less, his natural born leadership skill sets him apart, making him the perfect candidate to lead the task force. He is entrusted to capture one of the region’s last criminals, Lariat Turiaf. Who has terrorized the region for the last five years, ever since he robbed the foundation of vital information of the where about of the Annulus bank. A bank hidden from the public, keeping everyone’s Annulus safe. If Lariat would control the people’s Annulus, everyone’s DNA would be in danger. Curtis is racing against the clock in order to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation, like all superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. With a fork in the road Curtis is left with a decision to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, the power that made him for this purpose. 

 

THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#18 Bananas

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 03:35 PM

Just throwing it out there. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Curtis is between a boy and a man, This is a better start at characterisation, but it verges on cliche territory.  Also, it's confusing.  Is Curtis an immature man, or is he a boy becoming a man?  Good queries leave no room for interpretation.  living in the central region of what used to be Midwest America. The world was saved from itself too vague by the Annulus Foundation and its creation. Now, everyone’s DNA is linked through a prism called the Annulus. I have no idea what this means. One Annulus, one person. Drop this line.  It tells us nothing.  If you can't kill your darlings, you'll never improve. People embrace the Annulus, it gives them a purpose, and it gives them hope. Be SPECIFIC.  Hope about what?  Purpose doing what?  I have no idea what you're saying.  You've just found a new way of being vague.  Answer this: The Annulus does ______.  And, whatever it is that it does, it's not giving hope or purpose. That tells us nothing.

 

Curtis is driven to be part of the elite task force that enforces safety of everyone’s Annulus. I don't think you could make this more generic if you tried.  Elite task force?  With whom?  The police?  The Green Berets?  Also, you've got an over reliance on to-be verbs.  "Is driven" "to be part of" There's a shorter, tighter way of saying this.  Cut the junk words.  Write actively.  Little does he know, too colloquial.  Write this query using the character's personality.  Note, I'm not saying to write it from his perspective.  that his drive to be part of the elite task force isn’t a decision that he made on his own. Don't cut your MC's legs out from beneath him.  Modern day stories are about the decisions characters make, not the one's that get forced upon them.  Never the less, colloquial his natural born leadership skill a leader on a task force?  I'm sure those are rare.  Come on.  sets him apart, making him the perfect candidate to lead the task force. I'm stopping here.  You're still not getting to the point.  I'm half of the way in, and all I have is some stuff about an Annulus that makes sense, and some stuff about your MC being a leader... or something.  

 

Instead of leading with the Annulus explanation, focus on your MC and what he's doing in the story.  If the Annulus is the most interesting/important part of your story, you're in trouble.  Leading with exposition makes me think that your page one is going to be a long winded history rundown.  That shit hasn't been in vogue since the 70's, if even then. 

 

If you must lead with the Annulus explanation, do it one, maybe two sentences.  Short ones.  That's going to be hard, but that's what good writing is about.  Then give us a line about your MC in his status quo.  Then get to the problem that's pushing him outside of his comfort (or discomfort) zone.  Then expand upon your plot up to the end of act 1 or to the midpoint.  Queries aren't much more complicated than that. They're all about what your MC hopes to achieve and what's standing in his way.  

 

He is entrusted to capture one of the region’s last criminals, Lariat Turiaf. Who has terrorized the region for the last five years, ever since he robbed the foundation of vital information of the where about of the Annulus bank. A bank hidden from the public, keeping everyone’s Annulus safe. If Lariat would control the people’s Annulus, everyone’s DNA would be in danger. Curtis is racing against the clock in order to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation, like all superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. With a fork in the road Curtis is left with a decision to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, the power that made him for this purpose. 

 

THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#19 Jonas

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 03:42 PM

Thanks Bananas,

 

What bothers me about the query is everyone is saying be specific. Writing isn't about specificity, it's like being a captain of a ship. I don't take direct paths in my book, that would be boring. We go on adventures and winding paths. So, the query is the exact opposite, WTF!!

 

The everyone is saying start with MC, why? Of course the MC is interesting but how do I explain the MC without the world around it? They feed off each other, like every book, like divergent, hunger games, etc. etc. No? 



#20 Bananas

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:14 PM

Yes, stories are filled with ups and downs, and decisions that turn out to be the wrong ones.  That's the fun in them.  But what doesn't fly is being coy.  There isn't a reader on the planet that would enjoy reading something and then having no idea what they writer was saying.  That's what's happening in your query.  Being sharp and concise in your word choice will win you more points than dancing around something with filler words.  You might think that you're going to spoil your story by being specific, but right now there's nothing in the query that pulls me in.  What separates your story from the tens of thousands of other sci-fi stories?  You can only explain that by being specific.  

 

And, why should you start with the MC? Because they are the ones that are shaping the world.  Take Hunger Games.  If Katniss wasn't who she was, she wouldn't have stepped in for Primm and the games would have looked much different.  Also, if you placed Katniss in another setting, she'd still impact the world around her.  FYI, you can describe the world of Hunger Games in one sentence. "In the near future, the oppressive Capital maintains their control by forcing their subject's children to compete in an annual fight to the death."  It's a little wordy, but I don't need another sentence to get the point across.  

 

So, you are allowed to take some query space to explain your world (it's an important thing to do), but you can't, CAN'T, spend an entire paragraph doing so.  The best BEST way to explain your world in a query is to show how your MC fits into it.  Pure explanation on its own is cold and sterile.  But throw in your unique MC, and boom, you've made us care.






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