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The Annulus


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#21 Jonas

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:39 PM

Thank you Bananas!!

#22 Jonas

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 01:35 PM

On Curtis’s eighteenth birthday, he is united with his Annulus, a prism that has been manufactured from his DNA at birth. Flabbergasted by the beauty of his Annulus, his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. Up until this point he has been living a life of luxury, no worries but now that has changed.

 

The region that used to be Midwest America is almost perfect. Crime and pollution is almost non-existent, except for the last criminal, Lariat Turiaf. He has been terrorizing the region for the last five years. Curtis joined the Annulus Foundation, as he is the only one that can stop him. With his sister’s Annulus being stolen, he races against time to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation, like all superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. With a fork in the road Curtis is left with a decision, to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in the hands of Lariat. 



#23 Ireth

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 02:09 PM

On Curtis’s eighteenth birthday, he is united with his Annulus, a prism that has been manufactured from his DNA at birth. Flabbergasted by the beauty of his Annulus, His duty, like everyone else’sduty is to protect his Annulus. If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. (How?) Up until this point he has been living a life of luxury, no worries but now that has changed.

 

The region that used to be Midwest America is almost perfect. Crime and pollution are almost non-existent, except for the last criminal, Lariat Turiaf. He has been terrorizing the region for the last five years. Curtis joined the Annulus Foundation, as he is the only one that can stop him. (Why?) When his sister’s Annulus is stolen, he races against time to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation(colon) like all people with superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. (Okay, and? What would happen if they lost their powers?) With a fork in the road Curtis is left with a decision, to either catch Lariat or go against the power he is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in Lariat's hands


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#24 Bananas

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 04:38 PM

This is better, but it's still not there.  I'm getting tired of saying this, but tell us what an Annulus is.  Not what it looks like, not how it's made.  WHAT IT DOES!!!

 

 

On Curtis’s eighteenth birthday, he is united with his Annulus, a prism that ________________ does what? don't talk about how it's manufactured before you say what the thing is.  I still have no idea what it is.  Great, it's beautiful.  Wonderful.  But what does it do?  has been manufactured from his DNA at birth. Flabbergasted by the beauty of his Annulus, boring.  I could easily infer its beauty by "prism".  Most prisms are nice to look at.  his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. Annulus, annulus, annulus.  Three times in two consecutive sentences.  If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. Great, so he has this pretty thing that does nothing, but if he loses it, he dies.  Do you see how this is all you've said so far? Up until this point he has been living a life of luxury, colloquial.  no worries but now that has changed.  How?  Tell us.  Tell us right here.  Don't wait until the next sentence.

 

The region that used to be Midwest America is almost perfect. Boring.  Instead of telling us it's "almost perfect" show us how society has changed.  You've got a tendency to write these vague sentences that sort of make me want to keep reading on, just to see what you're talking about.  But if I was reading this as an agent, you'd better believe I wouldn't be as curious.  Crime and pollution is almost non-existent, except for the last criminal, Lariat Turiaf. He's a criminal, huh?  So he breaks into people's houses and steals their underwear, but only the red pairs?  Or, is he killing people to then skin them to make coats for the homeless?  A sort of Buffalo Bill Robin Hood?  This is why you have to be specific. Being vague leaves you open to interpretation and it will not go your way. He has been terrorizing by dressing up as a clown and wandering the local parks at night?  the region for the last five years. Curtis joined the Annulus Foundation, as he is the only one Sure, I totally believe that.  One 18 year old kid is the only one that can stop him.  Why?  BE SPECIFIC!!!!!  Why is he so special?  You're telling me that in the former America, there's not one former cop who can do the job?  There has to be a reason why this story is about Curtis.  Stop holding back and tell us.  that can stop him. With his sister’s Annulus being stolen, he races against time to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation, like all superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. Run-on sentence here.  You need to get better at editing your work.  That final clause, "like all superpowers...", creates a subject change.  Stick with one subject per sentence.  What I'm saying is that up until "like all superpowers" the sentence was all about Curtis.  Then for some reason, you tacked on that bit about the foundation.  The grammar is all wrong.  

 

But, besides those MAJOR problems, you've just dropped in some plot details with ZERO explanation.  His sisters Annulus was stolen?  By whom?  Why was as it stolen?  I can assume that it was stolen by Turiaf, but I can also assume SANTA CLAUS did it.  And, a flaw in the foundation?  Since foundation wasn't capitalized, I'm assuming the flaw you're talking about is that water damage in Curtis' basement.  Nitpicky, yes.  But small details like this matter.  Given that you're dealing with less than 300 words, there's no excuse to miss things like this.  With a fork in the road colloquial Curtis is left with a decision, good. Finally.  to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in the hands of Lariat. Write this more simply.  



#25 Jonas

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 06:19 AM

Thanks for your patience Bananas. I really do appreciate it.

#26 Jonas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 09:43 AM

Dear Agent,
Like everyone else, on Curtis’s eighteenth birthday is united with his Annulus. A prism that connects his soul to himself, manufactured from his DNA at birth. Now his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. He has been living a life of luxury, the Annulus being secured safely by the foundation, until now.
 
The 21st century left the region that used to be Midwest America in shambles, overran with crime and injustice. The Annulus gives everyone a purpose, a new way of life. Honor your Annulus, take care of it, everyone says. Curtis joins the Annulus Foundation, as he unknowingly has been built by them. His purpose is to stop the last criminal in the region, Lariat Turiaf. For the last five years Lariat has been aiming his sights on everyone’s Annulus and trying to lead an uprising against the Foundation. Lariat aims for Curtis’s weak spot, as his sister is caught in the middle, her Annulus stolen. Curtis is racing against time to bring Lariat to justice. Just like the 21st century powers, the Foundation isn’t any different, afraid to lose their power and manipulating people through their Annulus. Curtis is left with a decision, to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in Lariat’s hands.
 
THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
 
I tried to be direct but feel this gives out way too much information regarding the book and sequels. I have no idea though. Thank you!


#27 Bananas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 01:26 PM

Man, I feel like I'm hammering you.  I think maybe you need to take a step back and look at other successful queries.  That's what I've done in the past when I wasn't sure how to build a query.  

 

Dear Agent,
Like everyone else, on Curtis’s eighteenth birthday is united with his Annulus. A prism that connects his soul to himself, manufactured from his DNA at birth. Alright.  So an Annulus is basically a container for your soul?  That's all it is?  Because, right now, EVERYONE is connected to their souls - it's called being alive.  It's fine if that's all an Annulus is, but I just don't see a reason why they exist.  Why would anyone want to have their soul kept in a container that can then be stolen/destroyed/held for ransom?  Also, when you say "manufactured from his DNA", what do you mean?  Because we, our bodies, our manufactured from DNA.  Is this thing a fleshy prism?  Now his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. He has been living a life of luxury, this is colloquial, and it's also telling.  Life of luxury tells us nothing.  Is he living in a gilded Vegas penthouse?  Is he living on a beach in the south of France?  the Annulus being secured safely by the Foundation foundation, you're confusing here.  One moment you say that Curtis has a duty to take care of his Annulus, the next you say it's safely secured by the foundation.  Which is it?  until now.  This entire paragraph is flat.  There's no voice in here.  I get no sense of Curtis' characterisation, and I'm left with more 'huh?' thoughts than I'd care to have.  
 
The 21st century left the region that used to be these are junk words that do nothing but add bulk to the sentence.  How can you tell?  By cutting them, the sentence reads EXACTLY the same.  Midwest America in shambles, overran with crime and injustice. The Annulus gives everyone a purpose, a new way of life. I don't know what this means.  Honor your Annulus, take care of it, everyone says. Great, but what the hell does this have to do with anything?  Curtis joins the Annulus Foundation, as he unknowingly has been built by them. WHOA.  Back up.  He's not a real boy?  I am so lost and I don't even know what the exit looks like.  This is the sort of information that needs to come sooner.  His purpose is to stop the last criminal in the region, Lariat Turiaf. Alright, here's a MAJOR plot hole.  If Curtis was purpose-built to catch a terrorist who has been terrorizing Midwest America for five years, then how is he eighteen years old?  For the last five years Lariat has been aiming his sights on everyone’s Annulus why? What is he going to do with everyone's soul jars? and trying to lead an uprising against the Foundation. An uprising?  Why?  What's so bad about the Foundation?  Right now, all you've told us is that they secure the Annulusses. Lariat aims for Curtis’s weak spot, as his sister is caught in the middle, caught in the middle of what?  her Annulus stolen. The grammar in this sentence is atrocious.  Curtis is racing against time to bring Lariat to justice. Why the rush now?  The dude has been cruising around for five years, and now the Foundation is in a hurry?  Just like the 21st century powers, the Foundation isn’t any different, afraid to lose their power and manipulating people through their Annulus. This sentence is word soup.  Not only that, but it has little relevance to Curtis' hunt for the terrorist. Curtis is left with a decision, to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in Lariat’s hands.  Why does Curtis have to go up against the Foundation? I'm lost.  This version has done an even poorer job of explaining this plot point.
 
THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
 
I tried to be direct but feel this gives out way too much information regarding the book and sequels. I wouldn't worry about this.  The job of a query is to explain what this book is about. That's not saying you have to give away the ending, but EVERYTHING in your first act should be crystal clear.  That's not too much to give away.  Look at most back cover copies - most of them are very clear and cover everything up until the first act.  Right now you're hurting this query by holding back.  And not just that, but you're all over the map.  You have stuff in there that's nothing but exposition (Example, "the foundation is afraid of losing their power" - this has nothing to do with Curtis hunting the terrorist)
 
But...
 
NEVER write a sequel to an unsold book.  Write something new.  Writing sequels is just asking to be disappointed.  What happens if book 1 doesn't sell?  EVERY author has books that don't sell.  Are you really willing to spend another year or whatever on a story that will never see the light of day?  IF this story sells, THEN write a sequel.
 
 
 


#28 Jonas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 01:28 PM

You missed the point about what the Annulus is. Thanks anyways.

#29 Bananas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 01:31 PM

No, your writing didn't explain it.  "Connects his soul to himself?"  That means nothing.  



#30 Jonas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 01:49 PM

I'll take some time and re-write. Thanks!

#31 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 03:35 PM

Honestly, I struggled to make since of this. But that’s why we’re all here. We know our stories and tend to forget no one else does. LOL. Hope this helps.

 

Like everyone else, On Curtis’s eighteenth birthday, he is united with his Annulus; aA prism that connects (bonds?) his soul to himself,him with his soul. manufactured from his DNA at birth. I’d leave that out and let the book explain it. Too complicated. Now his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life. He has been living a life of luxury, the His Annulus being secured had been safely secured by the foundation — until now.

 

The 21st century had left the region that was once used to be Midwest America in shambles and overrun overran with crime and injustice. The Annulus gives everyone a purpose, a new way of life. Honor your Annulus, take care of it, everyone says. Curtis joins the Annulus Foundation, not realizing he’d been built by them. as he unknowingly has been built by them. His purpose job or task is to stop the last(?) criminal in the region, Lariat Turiaf. (You say earlier that the region is overrun with crime. How can he be the last criminal. Maybe just say he had to stop Lariet.)For the last five years Lariat has been aiming his sights on everyone’s Annulus and trying to lead an uprising against the Foundation. Lariat aims for Curtis’s weak spot, as his sister is caught in the middle, his sister, and steals her Annulus. (??)her Annulus stolen. Curtis is racing races against time to bring Lariat to justice. Just like the 21st century powers, the Foundation isn’t any different, afraid to lose To retain their power, the Foundation and manipulatinges people through their Annulus. Curtis is left with a decision; to either catch Lariat or go against the power that he’s Curtis is driven to protect and leaveing his sister’s fate in Lariat’s hands.

 

THE ANNULUS Is a YA Sci-fi novel of 90,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I tried to be direct but feel this gives out way too much information regarding the book and sequels. I have no idea though. Thank you!



#32 Jonas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 07:07 PM

Thanks CC! The crime thing is from the 21st century the best ok take place in the 22nd. Thanks anyway. This query thing is getting out of hand.

#33 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 07:21 PM

Thanks CC! The crime thing is from the 21st century the best ok take place in the 22nd. Thanks anyway. This query thing is getting out of hand.

Oh, Should have realized that. Then start off with the year. Like "It was the year blah, blah... and Curtis was celebrating his birthday.



#34 Jonas

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 07:27 PM

Oh, Should have realized that. Then start off with the year. Like "It was the year blah, blah... and Curtis was celebrating his birthday.


No. In my mind I had it in there but didn't write it in. In my last queries, I tried to start out with the year but was shot down pretty quick. IDK

#35 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 07:31 PM

This is some hard stuff. Mine got longer and longer. I finally pulled back and weeded. Taking in all the criticism and advice paid off, IMHO, but I'm still not sure about it. If you have a sec, check out mine. The Patriot's Warning. One more rejection and I start drinking! LOL



#36 eric balson

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 12:18 AM

On Curtis’s eighteenth birthday, he is united with his Annulus, a prism that has been manufactured from his DNA at birth. Flabbergasted by the beauty of his Annulus, his duty, everyone’s duty is to take care of their Annulus. ​This sentence doesn't read well. It sounds awkward. Maybe it's the "flabbergasted..." part If it would fall into the wrong hands, he would be empty and would be drained of his life.  This is kind of vague. Be specific. Would he lose his soul or something?Up until this point he has been living a life of luxury, no worries but now that has changed.

 

The region that used to be Midwest America is almost perfect. Crime and pollution is almost non-existent, except for the last criminal, Lariat Turiaf. ​This sentence is a little awkward, too. He has been terrorizing the region for the last five years. Curtis joined the Annulus Foundation, as he is the only one that can stop him. ​Why is he the only one that can stop him? With his sister’s Annulus being stolen, he races against time to bring Lariat to justice, but stumbles upon the flaw of the foundation, like all superpowers they are afraid to lose their power. ​<<This wasn't as smooth sounding as you intended it to be. With a fork in the road Curtis is left with a decision, to either catch Lariat or go against the power that Curtis is driven to protect, leaving his sister’s fate in the hands of Lariat. ​Seems like a pretty easy decision for him to make considering one of the alternatives is effectively letting his sister die.

 

Please review mine here (post #95): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5






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