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The Annulus


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#61 Jonas

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Posted 11 October 2017 - 06:13 PM

Dear Agent:

 

When the government can weaponize human’s DNA is when Curtis realizes, it has become everyone’s worst enemy.

 

It's the year 2162, and as is the tradition, Curtis gets his Annulus on the day he becomes an adult. Created from each person's DNA in the shape of an octahedron, the Annulus holds everyone’s spiritual and biometrical codes. It's a pivotal moment, but Curtis' joy is short lived, because as soon as he steps out of the Annulus center he witnesses a robbery. The thief steals vital information that exposes everyone’s top secret Annulus location.

 

This triggers the loyalty and motivation the Foundation has planted in Curtis’s DNA before he was born, now he yearns to help the Foundation bring long lasting peace to the people of the region. He immediately enlists to be an Annulus Protector, an elite task force that’s trying to apprehend the thief. 

 

As he tracks the thief, Curtis befriends Elok, an underground assailant using the Annulus to enhance himself to fight the Foundation. Being a former engineer for the Foundation, Elok reveals to Curtis that he is the first creation of the Foundation, intertwining Curtis’s fate with the Foundation’s secret plan: To use the Annulus to manipulate everyone’s DNA through the Annulus to create a new race. He faces a decision: catch the thief or sacrifice his life to oppose the power he's trained to protect. 

 

THE ANNULUS is a Sci-Fi novel of 90,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Blade Runner and Ghost in the Shell. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#62 jaustail

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Posted 11 October 2017 - 10:18 PM

Dear Agent:

 

When the government can weaponize human’s DNA is when(the repetition of 'when' makes this an awkward sentence) Curtis realizes, it has become everyone’s worst enemy.

 

It's the year 2162, and as is the tradition, Curtis gets his Annulus on the day he becomes an adult. Created from each person's DNA in the shape of an octahedron, the Annulus holds everyone’s spiritual and biometrical codes. It's a pivotal moment, but Curtis' joy is short lived, because as soon as he steps out of the Annulus center he witnesses a robbery. The thief steals vital information that exposes everyone’s top secret Annulus location.(can't the people change the location of their annulus? or maybe the foundation keeps the robbery a secret from the people)

 

This triggers the loyalty and motivation the Foundation has(maybe: had) planted in Curtis’s DNA before he was born(how about: planet in Curtis when he was an embryo in his mother's womb), now he yearns to help the Foundation bring long lasting peace to the people of the region(why are the people at war and with whom? i think he wants to help the foundation so the data isn't leaked). He immediately enlists to be an Annulus Protector, an elite task force that’s trying to apprehend the thief. 

 

As he tracks the thief, Curtis befriends Elok, an underground assailant using the Annulus to enhance himself(how is he enhancing himself? does the annulus give him some power or does it give him secret information of bank accounts and stuff. like wikileaks) to fight the Foundation. Being a former engineer for the Foundation, Elok reveals to Curtis that he(who is he? elok or curtis?) is the first creation of the Foundation, intertwining Curtis’s fate with the Foundation’s secret plan: To use the Annulus to manipulate everyone’s DNA through the Annulus to create a new race. He faces a decision: catch the thief or sacrifice his life to oppose the power he's trained to protect. 

 

THE ANNULUS is a Sci-Fi novel of 90,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Blade Runner and Ghost in the Shell. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I liked the query. It's clear and gives an idea of what to expect from the book. I guess the guy who stole annulus may not actually be a bad guy. He's like julian assange and the government/foundation wants to bring him down.



#63 Jonas

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Posted 12 October 2017 - 06:10 PM

Thank you so much jaustail!! Finally a little positivity, I feel I grasp the query idea a lot better

#64 smithgirl

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Posted 12 October 2017 - 07:04 PM

Thanks Bananas,

 

What bothers me about the query is everyone is saying be specific. Writing isn't about specificity, it's like being a captain of a ship. I don't take direct paths in my book, that would be boring. We go on adventures and winding paths. So, the query is the exact opposite, WTF!!

 

The everyone is saying start with MC, why? Of course the MC is interesting but how do I explain the MC without the world around it? They feed off each other, like every book, like divergent, hunger games, etc. etc. No? 

 

Query writing is completely different from book writing. That's what makes it so hard. You are used to writing novels. Don't think like that with a a query.



#65 Jonas

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 05:49 PM

@smithgirl, you’re right it’s totally different. Which, for me was a little hard to grasp. I’ll keep refining it.




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