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Hollow: Blood of a Farien (sci-fi thriller)


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#1 Rohin K

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Posted 02 September 2017 - 05:11 PM

Dear ___________,

 

Airis Hollow wants nothing more than to be in the city of neon lights, the last city on Earth. It would be a new home, a place where he can finally leave the wasteland behind. The city is home to the Farien, enhanced people with the ability of fire, who fight to the death in a showcase of honor. Airis is one of them, but his mysterious green flame signifies he is of a different origin, created for a different purpose.

 

But these powers come with a curse; Airis is haunted by visions of a mysterious figure who constantly pushes him to commit acts against his will. In fear of his capabilities of destruction and his own personal history, Airis isolates himself from others. However, all that changes once he finds out that Face - the same man in his head - is somewhere in that city. Little does Airis know, Face himself has been patiently awaiting his arrival.

 

In Airis’ pursuit, Face only grows with power, slowly stripping what little identity Airis has left. It is through this relentless game of cat and mouse that Airis is forced to decide between forging his own path or following his fate, all while learning the three essential parts of a Farien: blood, will, and death.

 

This manuscript of Hollow: Blood of a Farien, a thriller that takes place in a science fiction future, is about 70,000 words. The novel has series potential but stands as its own story.

 

[ending stuff]

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

---------------------

 

Thank you each for your possible suggested, would love to read and talk about yours as well.



#2 Rohin K

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Posted 02 September 2017 - 06:15 PM

Just to let anyone who wants their query reviewed, I will do the same back!

#3 JohnPansini

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 12:08 PM

First off, I apologize for not reviewing your query sooner, but I prefer https://querytracker.net/. You might want to check it out.

 

I like the first paragraph, but the sentence "...The city is home..." has me confused. Maybe needs a wee bit more. I am not a fan of sci-fi fantasy, but there are plenty of them on Query Tracker. I'm sure you will get plenty of help.

 

In the second paragraph "Little does Airis know..." is cliche. Rework.

 

I thank you for your input, but I've totally scrapped this query. Wish I knew how to delete the thread so I will not be wasting anyone's time. If you do go onto QT, let's connect. I'm the same handle, JohnPansini.

 

Good luck,

JP



#4 Cryuff14

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Posted 09 September 2017 - 10:20 AM

Dear ___________,

 

Airis Hollow wants nothing more than to be in the city of neon lights, the last city on Earth. It would be a new home, a place where he can finally leave the wasteland behind. The city is home to the Farien, enhanced people with the ability of fire, who fight to the death in a showcase of honor. Airis is one of them, but his mysterious green flame signifies he is of a different origin, created for a different purpose.

 

This drags from the beginning. It sounds uninspired. And it's confusing.

 

Airis Hollow wants nothing more than to leave the wasteland behind and journey to the city of neon lights. The last city on Earth. (you've got no name here and might want one.) The city home to the Farien, people of fire, who fight to the death in a showcase of honor (seems a stretch without explanation; why do they fight to the death; are they gladiators of a sort? Spectacle or something, not showcase, maybe). Though not by birth, Airis is one of them. And wants to join them. He has the ability of fire, but the color of his flame signifies he is of a different origin, created for a different purpose. And let's stop here. He's going to be an outcast, and then you begin your next para with these 'powers'. Plural. I though he was a fire guy. Singular. Start over, clarify, simplify and repost.

 

But these powers come with a curse; Airis is haunted by visions of a mysterious figure who constantly pushes him to commit acts against his will. In fear of his capabilities of destruction and his own personal history, Airis isolates himself from others. However, all that changes once he finds out that Face - the same man in his head - is somewhere in that city. Little does Airis know, Face himself has been patiently awaiting his arrival.

 

In Airis’ pursuit, Face only grows with power, slowly stripping what little identity Airis has left. It is through this relentless game of cat and mouse that Airis is forced to decide between forging his own path or following his fate, all while learning the three essential parts of a Farien: blood, will, and death.

 

This manuscript of Hollow: Blood of a Farien, a thriller that takes place in a science fiction future, is about 70,000 words. The novel has series potential but stands as its own story.

 

[ending stuff]

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,






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