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Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Query Critique

Fiction Fantasy Science Fiction New Adult

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#1 ashleyletour

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 03:08 PM

Hello,

 

I am looking to receive some helpful feedback on a query letter for my science fiction/fantasy novel. All thoughts and comments are appreciated!

 

Best,

Ashley

 

 

Dear (Agent/Agency Name),

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. When the aliens returned 200 years later, humans were out of options, so they fled.

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, Myzer was forced into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg. With over seventy percent of her body comprised of fabricated materials, Myzer struggles to maintain a grasp on her humanity. But as the chosen leader of the military, she makes it her mission to save mankind, hoping it will make her feel human again.

 

At 97-thousand-words, Into the Void is the first of a four-book space fantasy saga. It is the journey of a young woman who sets out to save humanity only to find that she is incapable of saving anyone until she learns to accept the life that she’s been dealt.

 

I’ve been creating stories since my childhood days. Ever since I started writing Myzer’s tale three years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a writer. I have attended several conferences where I have received encouraging pointers on the Into the Void saga.

 

I appreciate your time and consideration. If you are interest in reading more, I will gladly send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

 

Best wishes,

 

Ashley 



#2 Ireth

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 05:47 PM

Hello,

 

I am looking to receive some helpful feedback on a query letter for my science fiction/fantasy novel. All thoughts and comments are appreciated!

 

Best,

Ashley

 

 

Dear (Agent/Agency Name),

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. When the aliens returned 200 years later, humans were out of options, so they fled.

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, (X-year-old) Myzer was forced into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg. With over seventy percent of her body comprised of fabricated materials, Myzer struggles to maintain a grasp on her humanity. But as the chosen leader of the military, she makes it her mission to save mankind, hoping it will make her feel human again.

 

INTO THE VOID (all caps, not italics) is a fantasy novel of 97,000 words with series potential. the first of a four-book space fantasy saga. It is the journey of a young woman who sets out to save humanity only to find that she is incapable of saving anyone until she learns to accept the life that she’s been dealt. (this should be up above your title and word count.)

 

I’ve been creating stories since my childhood days. Ever since I started writing Myzer’s tale three years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a writer. I have attended several conferences where I have received encouraging pointers on the Into the Void saga. (Agents don't care about this sort of thing.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you are interest in reading more, I will gladly send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to speaking with you soon! (This comes off as amateurish.)

 

Best wishes,

 

Ashley 


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#3 ashleyletour

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 10:30 AM

 

Hello,

 

I am looking to receive some helpful feedback on a query letter for my science fiction/fantasy novel. All thoughts and comments are appreciated!

 

Best,

Ashley

 

 

Dear (Agent/Agency Name),

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. When the aliens returned 200 years later, humans were out of options, so they fled.

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, (X-year-old) Myzer was forced into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg. With over seventy percent of her body comprised of fabricated materials, Myzer struggles to maintain a grasp on her humanity. But as the chosen leader of the military, she makes it her mission to save mankind, hoping it will make her feel human again.

 

INTO THE VOID (all caps, not italics) is a fantasy novel of 97,000 words with series potential. the first of a four-book space fantasy saga. It is the journey of a young woman who sets out to save humanity only to find that she is incapable of saving anyone until she learns to accept the life that she’s been dealt. (this should be up above your title and word count.)

 

I’ve been creating stories since my childhood days. Ever since I started writing Myzer’s tale three years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a writer. I have attended several conferences where I have received encouraging pointers on the Into the Void saga. (Agents don't care about this sort of thing.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you are interest in reading more, I will gladly send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to speaking with you soon! (This comes off as amateurish.)

 

Best wishes,

 

Ashley 

 

 

Thank you for providing me with some helpful feedback! :)



#4 J.A. Hunter

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 07:18 PM

Hi there, your writing is good, but this query needs to be expanded. Right now, without all the bio stuff, your query is 116 words long; you can easily push this to 250, and you should. The first paragraph, though mildly interesting, is back story and not a proper hook. I would probably cut the entire first paragraph altogether. The first sentence of the second paragraph is much better as a hook:

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, (put an age here) Myzer was force into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg.

 

That sentence is interesting and sets the stage: this is obviously futuristic sci-fi. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about your story past that. I understand the backdrop is an alien war, but there is no specific mention of your plot here. She’s a military leader and is struggling to maintain her humanity, okay cool. But what is the story about? We know who your MC is, but we now need to know three things:

 

1. What does she want? Myzer’s been charged to lead the military against the alien horde approaching from the edge of the galaxy.

 

2. What is stopping her from getting what she wants? But the horde is far more powerful than anyone could’ve imagined, with weapons far beyond humanities wildest capabilities.

 

3. What are the stakes if she doesn’t get what she wants? Defeating the enemy may mean shedding the last of Myzer’s humanity and becoming something even worse than the enemy (personal), but if she fails the fate of humanity hangs in the balance (global). That’s it. Hope this helps!  

 

If you get a chance, please check out my query letter here: http://agentquerycon...lt-space-opera/



#5 Kjcloutier19

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Posted 07 September 2017 - 01:27 AM

 

 

Hello,

 

I am looking to receive some helpful feedback on a query letter for my science fiction/fantasy novel. All thoughts and comments are appreciated!

 

Best,

Ashley

 

 

Dear (Agent/Agency Name),

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. When the aliens returned 200 years later, humans were out of options, so they fled. (I like this information, but, it's not enough of a hook, and it's usually best to start with the main character immediately.Introduce him/her, and then bring this info in after if you can. Also, where did the humans flee to?)

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, Myzer was forced into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg. (Here's your hook! Move this to the begining) With over seventy percent of her body comprised of fabricated materials, Myzer struggles to maintain a grasp on her humanity. But as the chosen leader of the military, she makes it her mission to save mankind, hoping it will make her feel human again. (This is a little too vague. Who/what is she saving the world from? The aliens they fled from? Or did that happen a long time ago?)

 

At 97-thousand-words, Into the Void is the first of a four-book space fantasy saga. It is the journey of a young woman who sets out to save humanity only to find that she is incapable of saving anyone until she learns to accept the life that she’s been dealt.  (This last sentence is too much telling. You need to show the readers this in the query somehow. And your query is really short and vague, so it should be easy to add some info in there.)

 

I’ve been creating stories since my childhood days. Ever since I started writing Myzer’s tale three years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a writer. I have attended several conferences where I have received encouraging pointers on the Into the Void saga. (Cut this. Agents don't care about this and it also makes you sound a little unprofessional. 

 

I appreciate your time and consideration. If you are interest in reading more, I will gladly send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

 

Best wishes,

 

Ashley 

It sounds like an interesting story - I am always intrigued my unwilling cyborgs, but your need more meat to the bones here. What are the stakes? What is she fighting and who is she fighting for? I think once that's established you should have a strong query. Best of luck to you! 



#6 Cryuff14

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Posted 09 September 2017 - 09:55 AM

Dear (Agent/Agency Name),

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. When the aliens returned 200 years later, humans were out of options, so they fled.

 

A centuries-old war has rendered Earth uninhabitable and left humans on the verge of extinction. Even after the Turpis were defeated in the Battle of Europa, humanity remains on the edge of a knife. (if Earth is uninhabitable, it's game over. They have to leave -- quickly, or die, right?. So this does not work for me. And edge of the knife is a huge cliche.) And when the aliens return (see 'remains' above. TENSE.) 200 years later (the Turpis????? Stick to one name or transition this better), the humans (had no choice but to flee, or something.) were out of options, so they fled.

 

After a tragic fall left her body broken, Myzer was forced into a life she never wanted—the life of a superhuman cyborg. (J.A. HUNTER HAD THIS RIGHT in another post. Looks like your hook. Start over and repost.) With over seventy percent of her body comprised of fabricated materials, Myzer struggles to maintain a grasp on her humanity. But as the chosen leader of the military, she makes it her mission to save mankind, hoping it will make her feel human again.

 

At 97-thousand-words, Into the Void is the first of a four-book space fantasy saga. It is the journey of a young woman who sets out to save humanity only to find that she is incapable of saving anyone until she learns to accept the life that she’s been dealt.

 

I’ve been creating stories since my childhood days. Ever since I started writing Myzer’s tale three years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a writer. I have attended several conferences where I have received encouraging pointers on the Into the Void saga.

 

I appreciate your time and consideration. If you are interest in reading more, I will gladly send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

 

Best wishes,

 

Ashley 







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