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Aurora Skies (Adult Space Opera)


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#1 J.A. Hunter

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 05:45 PM

The job was supposed to be easy. Safe. A standard freight run from Iulea to the Inner Rings with a hefty payout. A run so easy, Stig Virtanen and the crew of the Geir could do it in hyper-sleep.

 

When Stig comes to badly beaten and handcuffed in a storage locker, however, he knows everything has somehow gone wildly off the rails. A group of heavily armed privateers has co-opted the ship and imprisoned the rest of the crew and they’re searching for something. A prize worth killing for, and it isn’t the routine stash of Treutium in the cargo hold. Someone on Iulea smuggled something dangerous onto the Geir, and now Stig and his misfit crew are the hottest commodity in the Aurora System.

 

Worse, Stig has no idea what has been smuggled onto his ship or why it’s so valuable, but all roads point back to the dusty mining world of Iulea and a covert Rebel scientist working deep in the bowels of the planet. But finding answers will be no easy task, especially with the Cooperate Collective and the Free Alliance at their six and the blood-thirsty desert dwellers dead ahead. The crew will need to use every play in the book and call on every black-market contact to solve the Galaxy-shaking mystery and, more important, avoid a Collective firing squad. 



#2 Kjcloutier19

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Posted 07 September 2017 - 01:45 AM

 

 

The job was supposed to be easy. Safe. A standard freight run from Iulea to the Inner Rings with a hefty payout. A run so easy, Stig Virtanen and the crew of the Geir could do it in hyper-sleep. (I like the voice in this first sentence but it isn't quite a hook. Usually you want to start immediately with your MC if you can, and introduce the rest afterwards.)

 

When Stig comes to wakes up (I changed this because without context I though he was arriving somewhere and then realized he was actually waking up) badly beaten and handcuffed in a storage locker, however, he knows everything has somehow gone wildly off the rails. (This is a much better hook! Have this as the first sentence, and have your first paragraph after. Or even mix it in if you can.) A group of heavily armed privateers has co-opted the ship and imprisoned the rest of the crew and they’re searching for something. A prize worth killing for, and it isn’t the routine stash of Treutium in the cargo hold. Someone on Iulea smuggled something dangerous onto the Geir, and now Stig and his misfit crew are the hottest commodity in the Aurora System. (I am intrigued)

 

Worse, Stig has no idea what has been smuggled onto his ship or why it’s so valuable, but all roads point back to the dusty mining world of Iulea and a covert Rebel scientist working deep in the bowels of the planet. (This is a little confusing but I'm honestly not sure why? Which is unhelpful I suppose.)But finding answers will be no easy task, especially with the Cooperate Collective and the Free Alliance at their six and the blood-thirsty desert dwellers dead ahead. (I think this would pack more of a punch if we knew what any of these things where. As it is, this sentence falls flat.) The crew will need to use every play in the book and call on every black-market contact to solve the Galaxy-shaking mystery and, more important, avoid a Collective firing squad. 

I am definitely intrigued with your story. I love 'pirates' of any kind, on the sea, in space, you name it. However, I think some of the stakes of your story get lost because we don't know who they are running from. And we don't really know why they are trying to escape a firing squad. Is it because they were caught stealing or is it because of the mystery object on the ship? I think once you up the ante and make everything a bit clearer, you'll have a great query. Best of luck to you! 



#3 Cryuff14

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Posted 09 September 2017 - 09:29 AM

The job was supposed to be easy. Safe. A standard freight run from Iulea to the Inner Rings with a hefty payout. A run so easy, Stig Virtanen and the crew of the Geir could do it in hyper-sleep.

 

The job was supposed to be easy. And safe. A standard freight run from Iulea to the Inner Rings with a hefty payout. Stig Virtanen and the crew of the Geir could do it in hyper-sleep. (Stylistic, changes. You begin, your intent, just the facts, 'mam and I like that. I don't know if you experiment with your re-writes or not; this seems more direct to me. )

 

But when Stig comes tobadly beaten and handcuffed in a storage locker, however, he knows everything has somehow gone wildly off the rails. A group of heavily armed privateers has co-opted taken over the ship and imprisoned the rest of the crewand they’re searching for something. A prize Something worth killing for. And it isn’t the routine stash of Treutium in the cargo hold. Someone on Iulea smuggled something dangerous onto the Geir, and now Stig and his misfit crew are the hottest commodity (this doesn't work; commodity? Find something else) in the Aurora System.

 

Worse, Stig has no idea what has been smuggled onto his shipor why it’s so valuable, but all roads point back to the dusty mining world of Iulea and a covert Rebel scientist working deep in the bowels of the planet. But Finding answers will be no easy task, especially with the Cooperate Collective and the Free Alliance at their six, and the blood-thirsty desert dwellers dead ahead. The crew will need to use every play in the book and call on every black-market contact to solve the Galaxy-shaking (how is this galaxy-shaking? You've not established this) mystery and, more important, avoid a Collective firing squad. 

 

I like this. It moves, it's direct. I think it's a bit wordy but this isn't my genre. Do you read any Elmore Leonard? He's the master at this type of stuff.



#4 eric balson

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 11:45 AM

The job was supposed to be easy. Safe. A standard freight run from Iulea to the Inner Rings with a hefty payout. A run so easy, Stig Virtanen and the crew of the Geir could do it in hyper-sleep. Love the hook.

 

When Stig comes to be badly beaten and handcuffed in a storage locker, however, he knows everything has somehow gone wildly off the rails. A group of heavily armed privateers has co-opted the ship and imprisoned the rest of the crew and they’re searching for something. A prize worth killing for, and it isn’t the routine stash of Treutium in the cargo hold. Someone on Iulea smuggled something dangerous onto the Geir, and now Stig and his misfit crew are the hottest commodity in the Aurora System.

 

Worse, Stig has no idea what has been smuggled onto his ship or why it’s so valuable, but all roads point back to the dusty mining world of Iulea and a covert Rebel scientist working deep in the bowels of the planet. But finding answers will be no easy task, especially with the Cooperate Collective, and the Free Alliance at their six, I don't understand how the collective and the alliance come into play. how are they involved in this? and the blood-thirsty desert dwellers dead ahead. The crew will need to use every play in the book and call on every black-market contact to solve the Galaxy-shaking mystery and, more important, avoid a Collective firing squad. 

 

This sounds intruiging.

Please take the time to review mine here (post #92): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5






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