Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Manhattan Swindle


  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 jayperin

jayperin

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 08 September 2017 - 05:47 PM

Hello, all. Any help will be appreciated. :smile:  

_______________________

 

Hello ***

 

From Libyan villages to high society New York, from childhood sweethearts who escape an abduction together to bitter enemies feuding over an oil cartel, The Manhattan Swindle follows Lilah and Harry through the tumultuous seventies and eighties.

 

After their escape from Gaddafi's mercenaries, Harry is no longer content with his dreams of being a Navy SEAL. He works for their families' oil trading business, planning to make it big enough to wipe out the driller who’d ordered the kidnapping to force the sale of the company. Lilah, on the other hand, refuses to admit anything has changed. She is determined to follow her mother's footsteps into Harvard Law School, and she still hopes for a future with Harry. 

 

Then, he introduces her to his mentor, Senator Temple. The senator and his family are American aristocracy, with a penchant for plotting incessantly, hating virulently, and loving unwisely. They have one adversary in common with Harry and Lilah: the driller behind the abduction. Temple tries to manipulate Lilah into marrying the heir to his family's oil empire to join their companies in a de facto merger, tempting her with the leadership of the illegal cartel. If Lilah agrees, she will lose Harry, but the cartel she leads will be big enough to annihilate the enemy who devastated her life and his. If she refuses, their enemy will remain a threat to Harry's business and, eventually, his life.

 

Complete at 153,000 words, The Manhattan Swindle will appeal to fans of political intrigue such as House of Cards and of twentieth-century historical fiction like Mad Men. The opening pages are pasted below.

 

Sincerely,

Jay Perin



#2 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 634 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 08 September 2017 - 08:21 PM

Hello, all. Any help will be appreciated. :smile:  

_______________________

 

Hello ***

 

From Libyan villages to high society New York, from childhood sweethearts who escape an abduction together to bitter enemies feuding over an oil cartel, The Manhattan Swindle follows Lilah and Harry through the tumultuous seventies and eighties.

 

After their Whose? escape from Gaddafi's mercenaries,  Eh? Harry is no longer content with his dreams of being a Navy SEAL. I am so confused. He works for their families' The SEALS' families? What? oil trading business, planning to make it big enough to wipe out the driller who’d ordered the kidnapping to force the sale of the company. This sentence has WAY too much in it, and what's in it is disconnected from pretty much anything. I've no idea what's going on.

 

Lilah, on the other hand, refuses to admit anything has changed. What? Since when? NO idea what's going on. She is determined to follow her mother's footsteps into Harvard Law School, and she still hopes for a future with Harry. 

 

Then, he introduces her to his mentor, Senator Temple. The senator and his family are American aristocracy, with a penchant for plotting incessantly, hating virulently, and loving unwisely. They have one adversary in common with Harry and Lilah: the driller behind the abduction. Temple tries to manipulate Lilah into marrying the heir to his family's oil empire to join their companies in a de facto merger, tempting her with the leadership of the illegal cartel. If Lilah agrees, she will lose Harry, but the cartel she leads will be big enough to annihilate the enemy who devastated her life and his. If she refuses, their enemy will remain a threat to Harry's business and, eventually, his life.

 

Complete at 153,000 words, Yikes. The Manhattan Swindle will appeal to fans of political intrigue such as House of Cards and of twentieth-century historical fiction like Mad Men. Improper comps.The opening pages are pasted below.

 

Sincerely,

Jay Perin

 

This is totally unclear, and packed with way too much info. Start with a single character, his or her problem, and the stakes. You also need a genre, though at that length you're in trouble in any genre. I'd suggest going back and cutting about 60k out of that before you query it.



#3 jayperin

jayperin

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 08 September 2017 - 08:36 PM

This is totally unclear, and packed with way too much info. Start with a single character, his or her problem, and the stakes. You also need a genre, though at that length you're in trouble in any genre. I'd suggest going back and cutting about 60k out of that before you query it.

Thank you. That was very helpful :smile: But I must admit I'm a little taken aback by the idea that Gaddafi needs further clarification.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users