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Jordan (Romance)


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#1 DustinT

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 03:14 PM

I had no idea that writing a query would be more intimidating and creatively challenging than the 300 page novel itself. 

Submitting even just this, for review, is a test of humility! 

 

I've tried to follow the AQ Guidelines and have been reading through the queries submitted by others for critique, as well as those which have earned some success.  Hopefully this rough draft is a foundation from which to build. 

 

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When Drake falls for the siren call of a mysterious girl in his dreams he abruptly ends his relationship with long-time girlfriend, Jordan, to pursue the idea that such a soulmate could exist in reality.  The following winter is spent in a sea of liquor, bar fights, brunettes and parties while he and his friends wade through their social circle in search of a deeper connection.

 

During an end-of-season sailing trip, Drake meets Hayley and begins to draw parallels between she and the girl who’s haunted the last six years of his subconscious.  Through loud music, obnoxious bar scenes, corn mazes, one over the top New Years Eve Party, and an ever-romantic Valentines evening on the city, he falls head over heels in love with both Hayley, and simultaneously his previous love interest, Jordan.  

 

While splitting his time, heart, and lips between the two, Jordan becomes attached to newcomer Steven, and Hayley is offered an out of state job, to which she wants to pursue…alone. Drake is devastated, but certain this is fate indicating indeed that his future lies with Jordan, who is now wearing Steven’s engagement ring.

 

Jordan, is a 73,000 word novel that pulls from the complex and rowdy social circle of The Sun Also Rises, with complicated love ala Tender is the Night.  This is a contemporary themed story with strongly romantic overtones which celebrates the careers, relationships, and drinking lifestyle of those in their late twenties to early thirties, trying to find their way in the 2000s. 

*****************************************************

 

My brain is a little bit fried at the moment, so I thank you in advance for your help with structure, grammatical flaws, and general criticism!  



#2 Springfield

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 03:40 PM

I had no idea that writing a query would be more intimidating and creatively challenging than the 300 page novel itself. 

Submitting even just this, for review, is a test of humility! 

 

I've tried to follow the AQ Guidelines and have been reading through the queries submitted by others for critique, as well as those which have earned some success.  Hopefully this rough draft is a foundation from which to build. 

 

*****************************************************

When Drake falls for the siren call of a mysterious girl in his dreams he abruptly ends his relationship with long-time girlfriend, Jordan, to pursue the idea that such a soulmate could exist in reality. This is long and sort of confusing. I'm not sure if you mean the idea of a girl like that, or that girl or the feeling or...The following winter is spent in a sea of liquor, bar fights, brunettes and parties while he and his friends wade through their social circle in search of a deeper connection.This deviates entirely from the previous sentence when it should build on it. Your MC did a thing, now it's 'the following winter... he and his friends... get in bar fights...' 

 

During an end-of-season sailing trip, Drake meets Hayley and begins to draw parallels between she nope and the girl who’s haunted the last six years of his subconscious. Who is...? If you mean the girl he had a dream about, that's entirely unclear, as it read up top like one dream that was a feeling he chased, while this reads like he's been having recurring dreams about a particular person for six years, which you didn't indicate had passed.Through loud music, obnoxious bar scenes, corn mazes, one over the top New Years Eve Party, and an ever-romantic Valentines evening on the city, he falls head over heels in love with both Hayley, and simultaneously his previous love interest, Jordan.  

 

While splitting his time, heart, and lips between the two, Jordan becomes attached to newcomer Steven, There are too many people in here. I don;t get your MC's essential problem, and this is just other people faffing about too.and Hayley is offered an out of state job, to which she wants to pursue…alone. Drake is devastated, but certain this is fate indicating indeed that his future lies with Jordan, who is now wearing Steven’s engagement ring. Also no stakes.

 

Jordan, is a 73,000 word novel that pulls from the complex and rowdy social circle of The Sun Also Rises, with complicated love ala Tender is the Night. Rarely have I seen such wildly improper comps. Do not do that, ever.  This is a contemporary themed story with strongly romantic overtones which celebrates the careers, relationships, and drinking lifestyle of those in their late twenties to early thirties, trying to find their way in the 2000s. 

*****************************************************

 

My brain is a little bit fried at the moment, so I thank you in advance for your help with structure, grammatical flaws, and general criticism!  

You need to dial this way back - what is your MC's problem and the stakes? This reads like some guy ditches his gf because he has a dream, then gets drunk and is rich a lot, then meets someone else, then decides he wants the gf back then... I have no idea. That, however, is not particularly compelling as it stands. There are no stakes, and he has no problem besides being an unlikable MC. If you're doing that too, btw, you should probably show what's compelling about the MC; this query has no voice. If your MC is unlikable, let someone know why they'd follow the character around for a book. 



#3 DustinT

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 04:08 PM

Hmm, you make some painfully strong points. Let me ponder this and see what I can do!  thank you!



#4 Chloe Kleine

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    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 17 September 2017 - 09:17 PM

Hello DustinT,

I think you're on to something, but you need to make your query much more compelling, by showing rather than telling.

I've made more detailed comments below:

 

When Drake falls for the siren call of a mysterious girl in his dreams he abruptly ends his relationship with long-time girlfriend, Jordan, to pursue the idea that such a soulmate could exist in reality. (end the hook here, the following sentence needs to be in a separate paragraph) The following winter is spent in a sea of liquor, bar fights, brunettes and parties while he and his friends wade through their social circle in search of a deeper connection.– it sounds as if he AND his friends are looking for a deeper connection. If it’s just him then you need to write it like this:

The following winter is spent in a sea of liquor, bar fights, brunettes and parties, while Drake wades through his social circle in search of a deeper connection.

 

During an end-of-season sailing trip, Drake meets Hayley and begins to draw parallels between she her and the girl who’s haunted the last six years of his subconscious.  Through loud music, obnoxious bar scenes, corn mazes, one over the top New Years Eve Party, and an ever-romantic Valentines evening on the city, (try to contain all these scenarios within one collective descriptor/phrase) he falls head over heels in love (cliché, find another way to say he falls in love) with both Hayley, and simultaneously his previous love interest, Jordan.

I gather that this is subsequent to Drake leaving Jordan, and yet now he’s fallen in love with her again. How did that happen?

 

While splitting his time, heart, and lips between the two, Jordan becomes attached to newcomer Steven (the way you’ve introduced Steven here, it could be interpreted that Steven is yet another lover!), and Hayley is offered an out of state job, to which she wants to pursue…alone. Drake is devastated, but certain this is fate indicating indeed that his future lies with Jordan, who is now wearing Steven’s engagement ring.

This is more ‘telling’ than ‘showing’. What’s at stake? That Drake may lose Jordon? Did he made a big mistake by leaving her in the first place, although he’s now back with her? How did he get back? How does he deal with dating two women at once? Is his heart torn in two?

 

Sounds like the story of a guy trying to have his cake and eat it (no problem with that as a story-line). He dispenses with the good, to chase the perfect, but the perfect may not be so easy to grasp. Now he realises it’s out of reach, and he should have stuck with the good (i.e Jordan) which may be the perfect anyway?

 

Your query needs to capture the mood and motivation of Drake. What drives him, what are his conflicts? How does he make hard decisions? How does he grapple with them? Is he impulsive or measured? We don't learn much about Drake in this query. Is Drake a dick that we end up sympathising with, or is he a charming sweetheart who naively messes up with the girls he loves, or something else? You need to characterise him better in your query, by showing how he acts / reacts.

 

Jordan, is a 73,000 word novel that pulls from the complex and rowdy social circle of The Sun Also Rises, with complicated love ala Tender is the Night.  This is a contemporary themed story with strongly romantic overtones which celebrates the careers, relationships, and drinking lifestyle of those in their late twenties to early thirties, trying to find their way in the 2000s.

 

I hope my comments help. I look forward to seeing your second draft in due course!

 

regards

Chloe


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 





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