I’m critiquing your first query because it is way better.
Parts of your second query are good, but your overall voice in query 1 has much more impact, and a humorous pull. I suggest cherry picking the best parts of your second query and embedding them into your first query (not the other way around). Reflect on everyone’s feedback, add some salt and pepper and come up with a third draft!
I’ve also done a memoir query in the past, so I understand where you are coming from. Yes, using first person is correct, and actually it’s FINE (and probably advisable) to write in present tense. You need to check the syntax of your writing, because you do sometimes switch tense.
Meanwhile, I agree wholeheartedly with Carney’s comments.
Don’t use the word anorexic to describe sex-life. Even if it only has an ounce of a chance that it will offend, better not to use it. You’re not trolling on twitter; you’re trying to pick up book representation. (In your MS it's fine, but not in your query).
Here’s my critique of your first query:-
I have a secret...I haven't had sex in ten years. This is kind of funny and attention grabbing, but to be honest it's not that big of a deal. I know people who haven't had sex for twenty years... Having said all that, I’m inclined to leave it in for now – see what other people say…
Despite being cute, disease free and only mildly neurotic
(I live in Los Angeles, the bar for psychological wellness is notoriously low) here I am, staring down the barrel of forty, with the sex-less days ticking by faster than the national debt (this doesn't quite work because national debt doesn't tick by, it clocks up. Try to find another comparison or you could say 'ticking by faster than the national debt clocks up') and the reality that I have become THE cat person in my group of married pregnant friends. You may only need to say, the reality that I have become the only cat person in my peer group. On the other hand, not everyone will know what you mean by 'cat person' - you might want to spice it up and say, the reality that I am on a crash course towards becoming that spinster on the shelf with cat.
You'd think when Tyler Covington, a reformed gangbanger with eyes that hit (maybe find a stronger word than 'hit') like a fast moving train, waltzed into my life, the seas would have parted, along with my legs and my life would be filled with love, orgasms and unicorn dust (nice sentence). Everything about him screams I Am The One (perhaps write this in italics with hyphens to make it easier to read: I-Am-The-One). So when the fateful (epic?) moment arrives and he asks me to spend the night - obviously it's a panty dropping no-brainer- (full stop)
instead Instead, I bolted (choose a tense and stick with it) from his bedroom in a full-blown panic, throwing out excuses like alternate side of the street parking and feeding Nero, my 26 pound cat.
Clearly I have baggage, the kind you can't hide from, the dark stuff that wears itself on my sleeve no matter how hard I try to scrub it clean. Everything I have ever wanted is right at my fingertips
and but it is all slipping down the drain. (or: Everything I have ever wanted is here in my hands, but rapidly slipping through my fingers). Before it is too late I need It’s time to deal with my past or resign myself to being becoming the girl with a houseful of cats lonely cat woman and with an untouchable tumor for a heart.
TRACY LANE IS NOT A VIRGIN and other misconceptions surrounding a disastrous love life (is this all meant to be part of the title?) is a complete 75,000 word memoir. If Jenny Lawson and Lena Dunham had a child, this book would be on their nightstand.
I understand you are very busy and am grateful Thank you for your time and consideration.
As Carney mentioned, you need to add a short bio about why you are justified to write this memoir. Obviously, it’s from your experience. This would be the place to mentioned that you’re a sufferer of sexual abuse, and you might like to highlight some of the therapy you’ve undergone and how that’s given you insights to yourself and how you learnt to love yourself. But keep it brief / succinct.
I've also done a memoir query (two years ago) that got representation.
I'm now querying a novel, so do please critique the current query when you've time!.
Memoir query link:
Current query (please critique!):