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Forgotten Dreams YA Fantasy

Young Adult Fiction Fantasy

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#1 Lunamae08

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 01:26 PM

          I would like to present you with my manuscript, Forgotten Dreams. I have tried to create something people can escape into, travelling with the characters you can relate to. Characters that have suffered through rough things, but slowly make their way back to happiness, even if they slip back into that painful past from time to time. Characters that learn to laugh again, realizing how important hope is, to keep their inner light strong and bright. Let me introduce you to Aleera.

 

            When seven-year-old Aleera was kidnapped from her world, her memory was stolen too.

            After nine years of captivity, Aleera finds her way home, hoping to remember her life on Eadrom. What she didn’t bargain for was a quirky Muddlewhomp informing her that there was more to who she is than she could’ve dreamt, more than she believes she could ever be.

            When Aleera travelled back to Eadrom she hadn’t realized she would be the catalyst many had hoped for, as well as triggering part of the Dark Army to be sent after her.  She doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that she is one of seven Children of the Light and that somehow, she’s supposed to find the other magical teens stuck on Earth, in human form, to complete the connection of seven.

           There is no time to rest, when the lights of Eadrom’s inhabitants are blinking out at a rapid rate. If she has any hope of helping Eadrom, Aleera must find a way to believe in herself, even when it’s hard to see who she is meant to be through the eyes of a broken child.

          

        Forgotten dreams follows Aleera, Child of the Light for the Magic Weavers, who is trying to overcome an abusive childhood and get a handle on her powers before time runs out for her world. Forgotten Dreams is complete at 83819 words and is the first book in a series. Thank you for your time.



#2 Springfield

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 02:28 PM

          I would like to present you with my manuscript, Forgotten Dreams. I have tried to create something people can escape into, travelling with the characters you can relate to. Characters that have suffered through rough things, but slowly make their way back to happiness, even if they slip back into that painful past from time to time. Characters that learn to laugh again, realizing how important hope is, to keep their inner light strong and bright. Let me introduce you to Aleera.

 

            When seven-year-old Aleera was kidnapped from her world, her memory was stolen too.

            After nine years of captivity, Aleera finds her way home, hoping to remember her life on Eadrom. What she didn’t bargain for was a quirky Muddlewhomp informing her that there was more to who she is than she could’ve dreamt, more than she believes she could ever be. This is confusing and sounds super MG, but your MC is 16.

            When Aleera travelled back to Eadrom she hadn’t realized she would be the catalyst many had hoped for, as well as triggering part of the Dark Army to be sent after her.  She doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that she is one of seven Children of the Light and that somehow, she’s supposed to find the other magical teens stuck on Earth, in human form, to complete the connection of seven.

           There is no time to rest, when the lights of Eadrom’s inhabitants are blinking out at a rapid rate. If she has any hope of helping Eadrom, Aleera must find a way to believe in herself, even when it’s hard to see who she is meant to be through the eyes of a broken child.

          

        Forgotten dreams follows Aleera, Child of the Light for the Magic Weavers, who is trying to overcome an abusive childhood and get a handle on her powers before time runs out for her world. Forgotten Dreams is complete at 83819 words and is the first book in a series. Thank you for your time.

 

You need to research queries, as well as edit this and, I'd wager, check your manuscript. This has a bunch of errors, notably tense shifts all over the place.

 

You need an MC, a problem and stakes. As you've got a super common setup -- elementals/chosen one -- thing going on, you also have to differentiate it from the 800 others of these the agent you're sending it to has seen this week.



#3 ARDavis

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 11:30 AM

          I would like to present you with my manuscript, Forgotten Dreams. I have tried to create something people can escape into, travelling with the characters you can relate to. Characters that have suffered through rough things, but slowly make their way back to happiness, even if they slip back into that painful past from time to time. Characters that learn to laugh again, realizing how important hope is, to keep their inner light strong and bright. Let me introduce you to Aleera.  (This is filler, just cut it.)

 

            When seven-year-old Aleera was kidnapped from her world, her memory was stolen[,] too. (This is nice. It would get me to keep reading, but remember, that's my personal taste. Now, were all of her memories stolen, or just certain ones? Also, who stole them and why?)

            After nine years of captivity, Aleera finds her way home, hoping to remember her life on Eadrom. What she didn’t bargain for was a quirky Muddlewhomp informing her that there was more to who she is than she could’ve dreamt, more than she believes she could ever be. (And this is where I would stop. I have no real concept of this world or the stakes, and you need to establish those ASAP. Also, is this a space setting or a Fantasy one? I feel like the name could fit both. I also don't know what a Muddlewhomp is and I didn't bargain for it either.) 

            When Aleera travelled back to Eadrom she hadn’t realized she would be the catalyst many had hoped for (by many do you mean humans, aliens, monsters, amoebas?), as well as triggering part of the Dark Army to be sent after her. (The Dark Army is too generic a name and I need to know what they're capable of and what their goal is.)  She doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that she is one of seven Children of the Light and that somehow, she’s supposed to find the other magical teens stuck on Earth, in human form, to complete the connection of seven. (This kind of sounds like Sailor Moon, which isn't a completely bad thing. But I feel like this needs to be established earlier, and you need to explain what the role of a Child of Light is. What kind of powers do they have? Why is the Dark Army after them?)

           There is no time to rest, when the lights of Eadrom’s inhabitants are blinking out at a rapid rate. If she has any hope of helping Eadrom, Aleera must find a way to believe in herself, even when it’s hard to see who she is meant to be through the eyes of a broken child. (I don't get this last sentence. Is she the broken child looking at herself? What makes her broken? Why were her memories stolen if she's a threat to the Dark Army, why not just kill her?)

          

        FORGOTTEN DREAMS follows Aleera, Child of the Light for the Magic Weavers (who are the Magic Weavers and what do they do?), who is trying to overcome an abusive childhood (this wasn't established anywhere in the letter that she was being abused. Just cut this.) and get a handle on her powers (what are they?) before time runs out for her world. Forgotten Dreams is complete at 83,819 words and is the first book in a series (not really that important, but do you know how many books will be in the series?). Thank you for your time.

This letter needs a lot of work (and I'm not saying that because I'm perfect, my letters aren't great either). I want to know what the stakes are and why they're important for the character. If you explain the more important aspects of your story, I think myself and other users will be able to get a clearer picture of your story and be able to help you even more. Hope I helped! 







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