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Benders -- YA Sci-Fi

Young Adult Science Fiction

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#1 Constantine Singer

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:54 PM

Hi all and thanks in advance -- any feedback y'all have is a blessing.

 

 

When 17-year-old Sarah Goldmatsui starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.   She’s the only one seeing massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black.  And when the world restarts after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things were different.  

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward: simple confusion.  But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns that the Benders aren’t just in her head.  Quentin sees them, too, and he knows the truth:

 

Sarah’s not just a typical teenager with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, and stunning intellect; she’s also a Beacon like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe that they were designed to destroy while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting. 

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has a reason to care more than ever about the future.  She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time.

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction and is complete at 83,000 words.


Look for NeverWhen, my debut novel from Putnam/Penguin Teen in bookstores everywhere in 2018!


#2 Ireth

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:24 PM

Hi all and thanks in advance -- any feedback y'all have is a blessing.

 

 

When seventeen-year-old Sarah Goldmatsui starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.   She’s the only one seeing massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black.  And when the world restarts after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things were different.  

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward(no colon needed) simple confusion.  But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns that the Benders aren’t just in her head.  Quentin sees them(no comma here) too, and he knows the truth:

 

Sarah’s not just a typical teenager with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, and stunning intellect (seems a tad egotistical for her to describe herself like that); she’s also a Beacon (I don't think you ​need to italicize that) like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders

 

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe that they were designed to destroy while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has more reason than ever to care about the future.  She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time.

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction(comma) and is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


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All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

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Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

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Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

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#3 galaxyspinner

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 03:44 PM

I'm wondering if your title might be doing you a disservice; firstly, it's a crude word in England. Secondly, in the realm of YA fantasy, it's still a word that very much belongs to an existing franchise.


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#4 Constantine Singer

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 03:50 PM

GalaxySpinner, those are really good points.  

 

New Title:  The Hopeful Branch

 

New Title:  Beacon

 

New Title:  The Universe Enders

 

I'll keep working on it. THanks!


Look for NeverWhen, my debut novel from Putnam/Penguin Teen in bookstores everywhere in 2018!


#5 jaustail

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 09:20 AM

JMO:

 

 

When 17-year-old Sarah Goldmatsui starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.   She’s the only one seeing massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black(what is 'everything'? like buildings or something?).  And when the world restarts(does the world stop during event? like time freeze?) after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things were different.  

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward: simple confusion.  But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns that the Benders aren’t just in her head.  Quentin sees them, too, and he knows the truth:

 

Sarah’s not just a typical teenager with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, and stunning intellect; she’s also a Beacon like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe(how will they save? do they have some powers or something?) that they were designed to destroy while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting. 

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has a reason to care more than ever about the future.  She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time.

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction and is complete at 83,000 words.

 

 

I think this lacks details. Right now it's too bland. Maybe give a visual of the machines. Are they like giant tanks or robots that look like Iron Man? How will Sarah fight them?



#6 Chloe Kleine

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 09:21 AM

LOL. Galaxy Spinner is right. Bender in the UK can mean a full-on outrageous night when you get hideously drunk / party hard, or it can simply mean a gay man.  See: http://www.urbandict...php?term=bender

 

But I think it's important to title your book by the name of whatever these 'things' are.  Can you come up with a new name for them?

 

Blinders? Voidarts?  (just playing...)

 

I will give you a proper critique on your query soon. Right now, I need to go to bed... 

 

Chloe :-) 


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#7 Arcanjoe

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 11:20 AM

Hi all and thanks in advance -- any feedback y'all have is a blessing.

 

 

When 17-year-old (seventeen-year-old) Sarah Goldmatsui starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.   She’s the only one seeing massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black.  And when the world restarts after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things were different. (The last sentence is the one that's spoiling this hook for me. I had to read it twice to understand its meaning. I can't visualize what you mean by "when the world restarts after each event".) 

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward: simple confusion. (Not sure I understand this sentence.)  But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns that the Benders aren’t just in her head.  Quentin sees them, too, and he knows the truth: (rest is good)

 

Sarah’s not just a typical teenager with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, and stunning intellect (does a typical teenager have a stunning intellect...?); she’s also a Beacon like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe that they were designed to destroy (But why? If Sarah and Quentin were designed by these aliens to attract universe-destroying Benders, why would they be given free will? I think you need to clarify this.)  while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting. 

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has a reason to care more than ever about the future.  She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time.

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction and is complete at 83,000 words.

There's space for more information in this query. You've got a fascinating concept here but I think you should focus on clarity. It's a little jumbled at the moment, which does your intriguing idea a disservice. Being from England, I echo the others concerns about your title: probably not a good idea. Beacon is quite a good title. By the way, you could use Edge of Tomorrow as a comp to this story. Hope I've helped!


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Eyes White as Snow: 

http://agentquerycon...now-ya-fantasy/


#8 smithgirl

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 11:23 AM

When 17-year-old Sarah Goldmatsui starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.  No one else She’s the only one seeing sees these massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black.  And when the world restarts after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things are were different.  Good hook.

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward: simple confusion.  But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns this isn't just that the Benders aren’t  in her head.  Quentin sees them, too, and he knows the truth: Sarah’s not just a typical teenager with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, funny! and stunning intellect. Does she mean this facetiously? I would cut unless her intellect is essential to her saving the world. And if it is, I would rephrase. She’s also a Beacon like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders. Your query is good until here.

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe that they were designed to destroy while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting. This much too vague. How will they save the universe? And how were they meant to destroy it? Were they sent to Earth to lure the Benders there? Why not just send the Benders directly without going to the trouble of making complex human-like lures? Specifics are essential.

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has a reason to care more than ever about the future.  Because she likes him? If so, maybe this clearer. Also, are Sarah and Quentin modified humans or some kind of robot? Do they have emotions? She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time.

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction novel and is complete at 83,000 words.

 

Hi Constantine,

 

I think your query starts well but then becomes too vague and unexciting. We just need more specifics. It's so short you can easily add a bit more info. I marked areas that were confusing to me. But good start!

 

Can you please look at my query? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...ery-in-post-55/



#9 Chloe Kleine

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 09:22 AM

Hi Constantine,

I think you are already off to a good start. You have an interesting concept and potentially exciting stakes. My detailed critique is below. For now, I am using the term Benders, although I know you might change it! Beacon is also a good title. (By the way, we don’t use double spaces anymore. That’s a hangover from the days of the typewriter.)

Regards

Chloe

PS: If you have time, please take a look at my query too. There's a link in the signature of this message.

 

 

When 17-year-old Sarah Goldmatsui (You don’t need to include her surname in the query, nor Quentin’s. Omitting the surnames will make your query more readable) starts seeing Benders, she thinks she’s crazy.   She’s the only one seeing massive machines crashing through reality, dissolving everything to black.  And when the world restarts after each event, she’s the only one who notices that things were different.  

 

Her doctor insists they’re migraines, the differences afterward: simple confusion (not sure what you mean here. Confusion about what?). 

 

I wonder if you could include the bit about migraines in your hook. For example:

 

Seventeen-year-old Sarah is freaking out. She has visions of massive machines crashing through reality dissolving everything to black, but her doctor insists they’re only migraines.

 

You can introduce the names of the machines in the next paragraph when you introduce Quentin. At the beginning Sarah doesn’t know what they are, so no need to name them in the hook. Then you can combine the two paragraphs below, including the name of the machines, how the world restarts after each Bender event, and your exciting concept about Beacons. (Well, I find it exciting LOL)

 

But when Sarah meets Quentin Parsons at a party, she learns that the Benders aren’t just in her head.  Quentin sees them, too, and he knows the truth:

 

Sarah’s not just a typical like other teenagers with a dysfunctional home-life, uninspiring boyfriend, and stunning intellect; she’s also Beacon like Quentin -- alien technology designed to attract the universe-destroying Benders

 

Together, Sarah and Quentin must save the universe that (do you mean ‘world’ or ‘universe’ – you’ve used both above which may cause confusion) they were designed to destroy (full stop) – nice line and nice conflict, but we need to know why. Looks like they’ve been set up with alien technology to destroy the universe they’re allocated to, but why do they now need to save it? Have they fallen in love with it, or the people in it? while navigating their own lives in realities that are often very different than the lives they’re expecting. (this last sentence is rather vague)

 

With every Bender event, hope for humanity dims (how?) and now that she’s met Quentin, Sarah has a reason to care more than ever about the future (why didn’t she care before?).  She’s just not sure there’s any way they can save herself, Quentin, and the universe at the same time. Exciting stakes, but the query has not clarified what’s happening. Why will she have to choose between herself, Quentin and the universe. Can she only have two of the three..?

 

BENDERS is YA Science Fiction and is complete at 83,000 words.


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 






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