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RED MOON (BDSM & LGBT)

Fiction Erotica Gay Lesbian Multi-Cultural Romance

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#1 Chloe Kleine

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    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 14 September 2017 - 10:50 PM

PLEASE SEE POST 40 for DRAFT #9

 

Hi All,

It's been a couple of years since I last posted a query on this site. Now I'm back with a new novel. 

Please take time to critique my query below. As always, if you critique my query, I will return the favour.

Regards

Chloe  :smile:

 

 

 

DRAFT #1   

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria is confounded by her inability to attract a stable girl into her life. Moving six thousand miles round the world to Tokyo doesn’t help. But everything changes when she meets a Japanese dominatrix, under whose whip she is fast initiated into BDSM.

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) tells the journey of discovery of an English lesbian, living in Tokyo, who, after a distressing relationship breakdown, enters the extraordinary world of BDSM. It contains some erotica.

 

Victoria has been living in Tokyo for two years, when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart, whom her friends have introduced. Love erupts between the two, but the relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression. Devastated that the history book has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. She resolves to take a new approach to life and live dangerously.

 

Victoria’s natural interest in bondage leads her into Tokyo’s underground world of BDSM, where she feels much more in her skin. Welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners, Victoria is invited to a private party. Bound and bent over the knees of the host, Victoria becomes hypnotised by Nozomi, a Japanese dominatrix. Nozomi wants to whip Victoria, and her magnetic authority ignites Victoria’s primal instincts. After everything Victoria has been through this year, she is compelled to submit. It’s time to step over the line and dive into the abyss.

 

RED MOON is the first novel I am attempting to publish. It is a standalone story, but has scope for a sequel. In my book, I hope you will find the self-discovery of Shadow Haven, the intrigue of The Story of O, and the sensuality of Finding Jaime.


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#2 heatherpeterson

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 04:06 AM

I'd considered taking the second sentence and move it to the fourth paragraph position (it feels out of the flow with the rest of the query).  You may also consider defining the relationship and the BDSM sections with a little more context--I found myself wondering if the relationship was the reason Victoria tried BDSM or after the relationship failed, etc. It didn't feel to clear in regards to these events. Also the last sentence, I would cut the words "hope you will" to "you will find"---don't leave them guessing and tell them straight up your approach. Otherwise it's looking good....



#3 smithgirl

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 04:07 PM


 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria is confounded by her inability to attract a stable girl into her life. Moving six thousand miles round the world to Tokyo doesn’t help. But everything changes when she meets a Japanese dominatrix, under whose whip she is fast initiated into BDSM. This hook could be more exciting.

 

 

Victoria has been living in Tokyo for two years, when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart, whom her friends have introduced. Love erupts between the two, but the relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression. Why is Sayuri depressed? You don't need much here, but maybe just a word or two. Devastated that the history book has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. Clarify how history has repeated itself. She resolves to take a new approach to life and live dangerously. Why would living dangerously keep her significant others from falling into depression? Is it important to the query that she relocated to Tokyo? The whole story seems to be in Tokyo.

 

Victoria’s natural interest in bondage leads her into Tokyo’s underground world of BDSM, where she feels much more in her skin. Welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners, Victoria is invited to a private party. Bound and bent over the knees of the host, Victoria becomes hypnotised by Nozomi, a Japanese dominatrix. Nozomi wants to whip Victoria, and her magnetic authority ignites Victoria’s primal instincts. After everything Victoria has been through this year, she is compelled to submit. It’s time to step over the line and dive into the abyss.

 

 

RED MOON is an 85,000-word BDSM romance novel that includes elements of erotica.  (complete at 85,000 words) tells the journey of discovery of an English lesbian, living in Tokyo, who, after a distressing relationship breakdown, enters the extraordinary world of BDSM. It contains some erotica.., .  RED MOON is the first novel I am attempting to publish. It is a standalone story, but has scope for a sequel. In my book, I hope you will find the self-discovery Is is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who like Shadow Haven, the intrigue of The Story of O, and the sensuality of Finding Jaime.

 

This query feels like a lot of introduction and not much story. The whole first paragraph can be condensed to one sentence. Then get to whatever it is Victoria has to submit to -- it feels like that's where the story starts: she has to submit to something that will cause problems. Right now, I'm not clear on the story and what Victoria must do, I have no idea what the stakes are. You should rewrite your query and focus on these questions:

 

1. Who is Victoria?

2. What does she want/need?

3. What prevents her from getting what she wants/needs?

4. What will happen if she fails?  -- i.e. the stakes.

 

Include only enough backstory to clarify your story. Start over with something like this:

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria decides to explore her interest in bondage in the Tokyo underground world of BDSM. She is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners and meets Japanese dominatrix Nozomi. Soon, Victoria is under Nozomi's spell, and is also her submissive. So when Nozomi tells her to ....., she can't refuse.

 

 

Good luck!



#4 Katx

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 01:41 PM

Hi All,

It's been a couple of years since I last posted a query on this site. Now I'm back with a new novel. 

Please take time to critique my query below. As always, if you critique my query, I will return the favour. Yes please! Link in my signature :)

Regards

Chloe  :smile:

 

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria is confounded by her inability to attract a stable girl into her life. Moving six thousand miles round the world to Tokyo doesn’t help. I feel like you contradict this in the next sentence though - she may not be stable but she does find herself a girl. But everything changes when she meets a Japanese dominatrix, under whose whip she is fast initiated into BDSM.

 

Victoria has been living in Tokyo for two years, when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart, whom her friends have introduced. Does it matter that her friends introduced them? Rephrase rest of sentence accordingly Love erupts between the two, but the relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression. Devastated that the history book has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. She resolves to take a new approach to life and live dangerously.

 

Victoria’s natural interest in bondage leads her into Tokyo’s underground world of BDSM, where she feels much more in her skin. Welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners, Victoria is invited to a private party. Bound and bent over the knees of the host, Victoria becomes hypnotised by Nozomi, a Japanese dominatrix. Oh wait, so I originally assumed Sayuri was the girl mentioned in paragraph one, so it seems weird that she's such a big part of your query when the real story seem to start here. If anything, Sayuri wants one sentence I reckon about her, to provide a VERY brief bit of backstory and some motivation. Nozomi wants to whip Victoria, and her magnetic authority ignites Victoria’s primal instincts. After everything Victoria has been through this year, she is compelled to submit. It’s time to step over the line and dive into the abyss. I don't feel like you've left me with many stakes here? What's the conflict? Is Victoria worried about this world, because at the moment it sounds like she just jumps into it straight away.

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) tells the journey of discovery of an English lesbian, living in Tokyo, who, after a distressing relationship breakdown, enters the extraordinary world of BDSM. This should be obvious from the rest of your query and should not therefore be restated. It contains some erotica.

 

RED MOON is the first novel I am attempting to publish. It is a standalone story, but has scope for a sequel. In my book, I hope you will find the self-discovery of Shadow Haven, the intrigue of The Story of O, and the sensuality of Finding Jaime.

 

I'd redraft these last two paragraphs:

 

RED MOON is a "insert genre" novel, containing some erotica, complete at 85,000 words. It is a standalone novel with series potential. In my book, I hope you will find the self-discovery of Shadow Haven, the intrigue of The Story of O, and the sensuality of Finding Jaime.

 

 

I think you need to rethink the structure of this query and then edit from a new draft. It's hard to start afresh completely, but I think you need to ask yourself what the real story that's being told is, and explain it more in your query. What does Victoria want? Why? What are the stakes? If your query answers these, hopefully it'll be much more engaging and the reader will want to read your book to find out its resolution as a result.


If I've given you a critique please have a look at my latest thread, it is both much needed and appreciated! Thank you :)

 

http://agentquerycon...ry/#entry344705


#5 Chloe Kleine

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    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 17 September 2017 - 08:21 PM

Thank you all for your comments and input that I have tried to reflect in my second draft below:

 

SEE POST 40 for DRAFT #9

 

DRAFT #2  

 

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM. But when she’s bound in public for the first time, nothing can prepare her for what she will experience under the whip.

 

Victoria’s on a journey of discovery. Another vanilla relationship blooms and disintegrates as fast as the moon waxes and wanes. Yet again, her girlfriend turns out to be a depressive. Why does Victoria keep attracting unstable women into her life? Is she not comfortable with her own sexuality?

 

Determined to expand her horizons, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. She enters Tokyo’s underground fetish world and is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners. Victoria is stunned and mesmerised by what goes on behind closed doors. Apprehensive, but curious, Victoria is resolute to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria wants to resist, but a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Even Victoria’s wildest dreams could not have foreseen what becomes a life-changing encounter.

 

RED MOON is an 85,000-word BDSM & lesbian romance novel that includes elements of erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#6 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 05:08 AM

As Janet Reid likes to say, this is a premise, not a plot. All I'm getting from this is, "Woman has a lame love life, decides to get into bondage." The rest is so vague as to be meaningless. What choices does she have to make? What is in her way? What SPECIFICS take this into the realm of something we haven't seen a thousand times before?

#7 hgsylvan

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 08:38 AM

Hi Chloe-

 

I just read your memoir query letter -wow - it sizzles!!! Great work!!! I know this is an entirely different book, but I  think some of the same intensity and drive should be put into this query. I agree with MIcronesia in that you tell us a lot of the premise, but not the plot. I think your hook could be amped up and I think the hook from the first draft is much better. Plus little is known about your MC - what's her age? what time period does this take place? etc.  

 

What goes on behind closed doors? Be specific. 

 

I'd be very careful with posting rhetorical questions in your query, it can be a turn off to agents.  

 

You repeat two similar phrases two  "Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM." and  "Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage." I know they are not the exact same, but your space is limited in this letter. You've already told us this, no need to repeat it again and use valuable word count.

 

In the last paragraph - I was looking for the stakes, what's at risk for the MC - what's the conflict - etc. Right now I know the foundation of the story, but I am not sure what is at stake for Victoria.



#8 smithgirl

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 11:13 AM


 

DRAFT #2

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM. But when she’s bound in public for the first time, nothing can prepare her for what she will experience under the whip.

 

Victoria’s on a journey of discovery. Another vanilla relationship blooms and disintegrates as fast as the moon waxes and wanes. Yet again, her girlfriend turns out to be a depressive. Why does Victoria keep attracting unstable women into her life? Is she not comfortable with her own sexuality? Agents really hate questions in a query. Always avoid.

 

This whole first paragraph expands too much on the failed relationships. 

 

Determined to expand her horizons, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. This is again restating from your hook. She enters Tokyo’s underground fetish world and is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners. Victoria is stunned and mesmerised by what goes on behind closed doors. Apprehensive, but curious, Victoria is resolute to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria wants to resist, but a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Even Victoria’s wildest dreams could not have foreseen what becomes a life-changing encounter. 

 

This last paragraph is still too much premise and not enough story. All we know is that a woman named Victoria has decided she wants to learn more about BDSM, and when she does she likes it. You need to give us the plot of your story, the essential conflict. Victoria needs to have a problem; what is her problem? For instance: In order for Nozomi to reciprocate Victoria's feelings, Victoria has to murder Nozomi's ex. Victoria must decide what she will do, murder a woman to get Nozomi's love, or stay true to her morals but lose Nozomi. 

 

RED MOON is an 85,000-word BDSM & lesbian romance novel that includes elements of erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM. But when she’s bound in public for the first time, nothing can prepare her for what she will experience under the whip.

 

Start next paragraph so that it builds upon, but does not re-state, information from the hook. We don't need to know about the details of her failed relationships.

 

She enters Tokyo’s underground fetish world and is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners, where the meets the dominatrix Nozomi. What happens next? Aside from getting whipped?

 

I know this is hard. Good luck!



#9 smithgirl

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 01:07 PM

So I read your memoir query, too, and yes that's really good. Definitely put some of that same intensity into this one.

 

And tell us the story; there's just no story coming through in this query. I'm sure it's there in your novel.

 

And congrats on the other query! It's good to hear that people sometimes really do get agents.



#10 jaustail

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 02:29 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM(i dont think bdsm is an interest that can be neglected. it's sexual. i guess she could always watch bdsm porn or something. so why neglect it unless she is into some sort of therapy). But when she’s bound(by whom? maybe put this in active voice) in public for the first time, nothing can prepare her for what she will experience under the whip.

 

Victoria’s on a journey of discovery. Another vanilla relationship blooms and disintegrates as fast as the moon waxes and wanes. Yet again, her girlfriend turns out to be a(not sure you need this 'a') depressive. Why does Victoria keep attracting unstable women into her life? Is she not comfortable with her own sexuality?

 

Determined to expand her horizons, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. She enters Tokyo’s(from where does she go to Tokyo? Why go all the way to Tokyo to have bdsm sex?) underground fetish world and is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners. Victoria is stunned and mesmerised(maybe: mesmerized) by what goes on behind closed doors. Apprehensive, but curious, Victoria is resolute to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria wants to resist, but a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Even Victoria’s wildest dreams could not have foreseen what becomes a life-changing encounter.

 

RED MOON is an 85,000-word BDSM & lesbian romance novel that includes elements of erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.

 

 

The query flows smoothly. Good grammar and sentence variation. But I didn't get much idea of the story. What is the plot? A woman has failed relationships, so flies to Tokyo to have sex? I agree there are people who go all the way to other countries to sleep around, so this is okay. But what is at stake here? What challenge does Victoria face?

 

JMO



#11 Chloe Kleine

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    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 19 September 2017 - 09:17 AM

Hi Heatherpeterson, smithgirl, Katx, Micronesia, jaustail, et al,

 

SEE POST 40 for DRAFT #9

 

Thanks so much for your input. I will certainly return the favour, if i haven't already, and critique your own query!

 

As it stands, I realise I need to go back to the drawing board.

On reflection, my genre may be confusing the issue. Rather than 'BDSM Romance', I should probably call it 'LGBT Romance & BDSM'.

The BDSM relationship only erupts at the end of my book (maybe 75% of the way through). It is a huge discovery for Victoria at the end of a journey of self exploration.  The issue for Victoria is that she hasn't discovered herself, that's why she keeps attracting unstable women into her life. Entering BDSM changes all that.

The first third of the book covers a vanilla lesbian relationship that ends in catastrophe. It's important to the plot, because it shows how this is the final straw that encourages Victoria (normally a naive prude) to step into the world of BDSM.  The second third of the book shows her getting over the break-up and how the break-up pushes her to explore the BDSM scene. 

The last third of the book shows the euphoria Victoria experiences under one mistress, and hints only at the beginning of an S&M relationship. The real point / the climax of the book is Victoria discovering she is a submissive (not that she has a specific relationship with a specific mistress).  

 

Anyway, I'm working on a Draft #3 which I will post hopefully within a few days. 

Watch this space.

 

Chloe :-)


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#12 smithgirl

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 11:48 AM

Since you are already agented for your memoir (on a similar topic), your current agent was not interested in representing your novel? I'm just curious about that; how it works with your agent and a new book.



#13 smithgirl

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 11:51 AM

This kind of story is more difficult to query -- the kind of self-realization thing. It makes your stakes more difficult to clarify. My books also tend to have less choice a vs. choice b endings, and it can be challenging.



#14 eric balson

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 12:42 AM

Thank you all for your comments and input that I have tried to reflect in my second draft below:

 

DRAFT #2

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

After a series of failed relationships, Victoria resolves to explore her neglected interest in BDSM. But when she’s bound in public for the first time, nothing can prepare her for what she will experience under the whip.

 

Victoria’s on a journey of discovery. Another vanilla relationship blooms and disintegrates as fast as the moon waxes and wanes. Yet again, her girlfriend turns out to be a depressive. Why does Victoria keep attracting unstable women into her life? Is she not comfortable with her own sexuality? ​Posing questions in queries tend to be huge red flags.

 

Determined to expand her horizons, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. She enters Tokyo’s underground fetish world and is welcomed into the fold by a group of serious BDSM practitioners. Victoria is stunned and mesmerised by what goes on behind closed doors. Apprehensive, but curious, Victoria is resolute to become more involved. ​You can skip all this and go to the part where she is invited to the party since you're writing a query and not a synopsis. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria wants to resist, but a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Even Victoria’s wildest dreams could not have foreseen what becomes a life-changing encounter. ​How does the encounter change her life? Does she become an avid BDSM practitioner herself? Like others have pointed out, what is at stake here? Does she start a relationship with the dominatrix?

 

RED MOON is an 85,000-word BDSM & lesbian romance novel that includes elements of erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.

 

Hope this helps. Please review mine here (post #95): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5



#15 Chloe Kleine

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 01:13 AM

Hi All,

Here's my third draft. I've revised the query substantially, including the GENRE, to reflect that this is a BDSM journey of discovery, (not a BDSM relationship). 

 

 

DRAFT #3  See POST 40 for DRAFT #9

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria has a problem. She can’t hold down a relationship. All her girlfriends turn out to be unstable and run a mile as soon as she gets serious. And it’s about to happen again.

 

Victoria, a British head-hunter, has been living in Tokyo for two years when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart. Sayuri is the epitome of Victoria’s desires, and love erupts between the two. But the vanilla relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression, triggered by a family matter. Distraught and confounded that history has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core.

 

Determined to break the pattern, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners welcomes her into Tokyo’s underground fetish scene and guides her through this unusual world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by all she sees. Apprehensive, but curious, she resolves to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria resists. She doesn’t like pain. But a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Not even her wildest dreams can prepare her for the euphoria she is about to experience.  

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) is a BDSM journey of discovery, including a lesbian romance and erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#16 jaustail

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 09:56 AM

JMO:

 

 

Victoria has a problem. She can’t hold down a relationship. All her girlfriends turn out to be unstable(maybe show this like when Vic proposed to Alice, Alice started crying or when Vic proposed to Emily, Emily rolled on the floor and began laughing) and run a mile as soon as she gets serious. And it’s about to happen again.

 

Victoria, a British head-hunter, has been living in Tokyo(does she move to Tokyo after the breakups in first paragraph? If not then this sounds like two introductions. Maybe you can remove the first paragraph) for two years when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart. Sayuri is the epitome of Victoria’s desires, and love erupts between the two. But the vanilla relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a(not sure you need this 'a') depression, triggered by a family matter. Distraught and confounded that history has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. (this makes Vic come across as mean. She's abandoning her girlfriend when Sayuri needs her the most.)

 

Determined to break the pattern, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners welcomes her into Tokyo’s underground fetish scene and guides her through this unusual world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by all she sees. Apprehensive, but curious, she resolves to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria resists. She doesn’t like pain. But a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Not even her wildest dreams can prepare her for the euphoria she is about to experience.   (this is well written. but there is no challenge for her. does she have a danger of being addicted to bdsm? i think you need some element of risk)

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) is a BDSM journey of discovery, including a lesbian romance and erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.(50 shades of grey came to my mind and i haven't even read it :P)

 

 

The query is well written in terms of grammar and sentence variation. But I didn't feel much for Victoria. Is there any danger to her life if she pursues this fetish?

 

Link to my revised query is in my signature in case you want to have a look.

 

Good luck!!



#17 smithgirl

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 10:05 AM

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria has a problem: She can’t hold down a relationship. All her girlfriends turn out to be unstable and run a mile as soon as she gets serious. And it’s about to happen again. This is better.

 

Victoria, a British head-hunter, has been living in Tokyo for two years when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart. Sayuri is the epitome of Victoria’s desires, and love erupts between the two. But the vanilla What do you mean by vanilla? Usually that would mean it's dull. Is that what you mean to convey? Maybe just delete the modifier.relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression, triggered by a family matter. Distraught and confounded that history has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. This is also better.

 

Determined to break the pattern, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners welcomes her into Tokyo’s underground fetish scene and guides her through this unusual world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by all she sees. Apprehensive no comma but curious, she resolves to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. The host calls for Victoria to be whipped. At first, Victoria resists. She doesn’t like pain. But a professional dominatrix casts her hypnotic eye on Victoria. This ignites Victoria’s primal instincts, and she is compelled to submit. Not even her wildest dreams can prepare her for the euphoria she is about to experience.  This is where your query goes wrong again. Your query needs to end with a problem, but your query ends happy: Victoria is about to have great sex -- generally not a problem. Is this the ending to your book? You never include the ending of your book in the query. You build up to the ending so that the reader will want to read the book to learn the ending. But the query ends while the ending is still unclear.

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) is a BDSM journey of discovery, including a lesbian romance and erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.

 

 

Determined to break the pattern, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners welcomes her into Tokyo’s underground fetish scene and guides her through this unusual world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by all she sees. Still, she's unsure this is right for her, because BDSM involves pain, and Victoria hates pain. So she can could return go her previous dating style and risk never finding true love, or dive into something truly terrifying that might provide it. You have to end your query with some kind of stakes -- what will happen if she fails? That said, whether or not Victoria can improve her dating life seems a bit weak stakes-wise. You did a better job in this query showing how Victoria is suffering due to her dating issues, but you need to make her situation seem really dire, so we really worry what will happen if she doesn't get things straightened out -- she will be alone forever? She will consider suicide? I'm just suggesting that you try to fired it up a bit.



#18 Chloe Kleine

Chloe Kleine

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    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 20 September 2017 - 10:25 AM

Thank you smithgirl - you've given me a eureka moment. :laugh:  The penny has dropped. I will soon be putting out draft #4 !! 

 

Meanwhile, Katx, Micronesia, jaustail and eric balson - I will definitely return the critique favour. Still working on it.  Give me a few days!

 

Chloe  :cool:


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#19 Chloe Kleine

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    Almost finished editing the first novel I want to publish.
    Do please take a look at my new query : RED MOON

Posted 21 September 2017 - 06:29 PM

Here is my latest DRAFT. 

Please critique and I will return the favour!

 

 

PLEASE SEE POST 40 FOR DRAFT #9

 

DRAFT #4 

 

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria has a problem. She can’t hold down a relationship. All her girlfriends turn out to be unstable and run a mile as soon as she gets serious. And it’s about to happen again.

 

Victoria, a British head-hunter, has been living in Tokyo for two years when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart. Sayuri is the epitome of Victoria’s desires, and love erupts between the two. But the relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression, triggered by a family matter. Distraught and confounded that history has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core.

 

Determined to break the pattern, Victoria pursues her natural interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners guides her through Tokyo’s underground fetish world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by what she sees. Apprehensive, but curious, she resolves to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. This is already pushing her prudish comfort zone. But then the host calls for Victoria to be whipped. In spite of Victoria’s latest plans to seize the day, this isn’t the kind of risk she was expecting to take. She doesn’t like pain…

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) is a BDSM journey of discovery, including a lesbian romance and erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.


Please critique my query, and I will return the favour!

http://agentquerycon...n-bdsm-romance/

 


#20 smithgirl

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 08:50 AM

Dear [Agent's name]

 

Victoria has a problem. She can’t hold down a relationship. All her girlfriends turn out to be unstable and run a mile as soon as she gets serious. And it’s about to happen again. This is still an improvement but I wonder if you could add a bit more. Just because it will happen again isn't interesting. Why is different this time?

 

It's about to happen again, but this time Victoria is going to stop it.

 

More enticingly, something like: 

 

Victoria has a problem: she can’t hold down a relationship. It turns out she just needs some good woman-woman bondage.

 

Victoria, a British head-hunter,. has been living in Tokyo for two years when she meets Sayuri, a bisexual sweetheart. Sayuri is the epitome of Victoria’s desires, and love erupts between the two. But the relationship quickly disintegrates when Sayuri falls into a depression, triggered by a family matter. Distraught and confounded that history has repeated itself, Victoria wonders if something is wrong at her core. I still think this second paragraph mostly re-states your hook. You should start the body of your query so that it moves on from the hook.

 

Victoria, a British expat living in Japan, is determined to break the pattern. She abandons her previously vanilla relationships to Victoria pursues her natural an interest in bondage. A band of serious BDSM practitioners guides her through Tokyo’s underground fetish world. Victoria is mesmerized and aroused by what she sees. Apprehensive, but curious, she resolves to become more involved. Invited to a private party, Victoria allows her new friends to tie her up. This is already pushing her prudish comfort zone. But then the host calls for Victoria to be whipped. In spite of Victoria’s latest plans to seize the day, this isn’t the kind of risk she was expecting to take. She doesn’t like pain… This is not where your query should end. Because there are still no stakes. And really, it feels like nothing happened in your book except that Victoria went to a party and got whipped. What happens in the other other 80,000 pages?  How does your book actually end? Maybe you post the synopsis so people have a better idea what happens.

 

RED MOON (complete at 85,000 words) is a BDSM journey of discovery, including a lesbian romance and erotica. It is a standalone novel with sequence potential and will appeal to readers who liked Shadow Haven, The Story of O, and Finding Jaime.

 

Sorry so frustrating.

 

If you want, you can comment on my own query, which I closed out but which is failing as horribly as all my queries do. Follow the link below. The latest query is in post 30. Sorry, I made some post-post changes. Actual query now here (in post 38)

 

http://agentquerycon...-2?hl=smithgirl

 

 

 







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