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Trinity-YA Fantasy Hook Help


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#1 Soreen Laythyn

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 12:48 AM

Ridiculed and bullied by his ability to interact with the dead, seventeen-year-old Wrench Gale must use his ability to track down his missing parents while helping the Reapers, half dead half living superhumans, avoid the destruction of New York. 



#2 heatherpeterson

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 01:52 AM

The last half of the sentence gets a little confusing.... Where are his parents? What happened to them? Who are the Reapers, besides half-dead half-living superhumans? What's happening to New York and why does Wrench care?  This sentence feels like it should be several sentences and not a single sentence. 



#3 Soreen Laythyn

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 01:14 PM

So should I make the hook more than one sentence?

#4 Niambi

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 10:52 PM

So should I make the hook more than one sentence?

 

Never.  Few stories lend themselves to intriguing hooks which are more than a sentence long.  The previous post may have gotten hooks confused with queries.  That being said, you're off to a good start.  I'd actually take out some descriptors and plot elements to make it tighter, then rearrange some of the important information for clarity

 

Ridiculed and bullied by his ability to interact with the dead (how: asking because you could just say the main thing he does to save words), seventeen-year-old Wrench Gale must use his ability (what ability?) to track down his missing parents while helping the Reapers, half dead half living superhumans, avoid the destruction of New York. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Wrench Gale can SPEAK? to the dead, and when his parents go missing, he must find them and help the Reapers in order to save New York.

 

BAM!

 

Seriously you're off to a fantastic start.  

 

This sentence would start your query, then the sentence after this would expound upon what you have.






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