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Finding Electrons

Middle Grade adventure

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#1 Aneta

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 11:21 AM

Here's the opening of my middle grade novel. I'd appreciate your advice, or just an opinion about all that's wrong with it.

 

 

 

 

People always thought the Earth had a molten core with magma bubbling over a red-hot metal ball. I don’t know. Maybe it was that hot centuries ago, but then it got hard and stone-cold like someone had left it outside in the freezing night. We discovered it when in the search of the remained energy sources, we got right in the center, and came third to the site. I was not there. Well, I could not be. At the age of four, you were not allowed to go digging in those times. But my uncle likes bragging about being there among the firsts. To tell the truth, it was quite an amusing story the first hundred and something times. Now, whenever he starts retelling it, we just get him his favorite pine resin to chew. The best way to shut him up for an hour or so. An hour is a great deal. After all, there are only seventeen of them left a day.

 

You see, since the earth got pierced from like five places and some genius thought of using the tunnels as a kind of underground, things did not get better at all with an opportunity to get to the other side of the planet in… well, no one really knows how long it would take. The only time still frozen on the flip-down clock over the ruins of the Corecentral Station is 29 minutes. That’s exactly how long the train lasted in the tunnel. 



#2 michaelblaine

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 02:56 PM

Here's the opening of my middle grade novel. I'd appreciate your advice, or just an opinion about all that's wrong with it.

 

 

**Take my suggestions for what they are worth.  I don't claim to be an editor or literary genius.  My comments are just that; suggestions.  Admittedly, this piece does not appeal to me, but with some work, it may catch the right audience's attention.  Good luck!**

 

People always thought the Earth had a molten core with magma bubbling over a red-hot metal ball. (I would consider revising this sentence.  Maybe, "It was long thought that our Earth's core was a red-hot...") I don’t know. (What do I know, though?) Maybe it was that hot way centuries ago, but then it got became hard and stone-cold like someone had left it outside in the freezing night. We discovered it when in the search of the remained (planet's remaining) energy sources. we got right in the center, and came third to the site. (When we finally reached the center, we were proud to be the third group there.) Well, I (added italics) was not there but only because I could not be. At the tender age of four, you were not allowed to go digging in those times (note: In your novel's present, can 4 yr old kids now go digging?  You may want to consider wording options at the end of this sentence). But my uncle (Uncle Dan/Don/Carl/Marcus...) likes bragging about being there among the firsts, and to tell the truth, it was quite an amusing story the first hundred and something times. Now, whenever he starts retelling it, we just get him his favorite pine resin to chew. The That's the best way to shut him up for an hour or so. An hour, in my world, is a pretty big chunk of time is a great deal. After all, now there are only seventeen of them left in a day.

 

You see, since the earth got pierced from like (was impaled in?) five places and some genius thought of using the tunnels as a kind of underground, things did not get better at all with an opportunity to get to the other side of the planet in… well, no one really knows how long it would take. The only time still frozen on the flip-down clock over the ruins of the Corecentral Station is 29 minutes. That’s exactly how long the train lasted in the tunnel. (Beginning with the word "genius", I would strongly advise rereading and rewording.  Although I understand the context, it is quite difficult to follow)



#3 Aneta

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 11:25 PM

Thank you. I find your suggestions really helpful. I will take a look how I can improve the opening.







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