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Evergreen (YA Sci-Fi Epic)

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#1 Dave1

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 03:54 PM

Hi All, I'm looking for some suggestions on how to better my synopsis for my YA Sc-Fi Epic EVERGREEN.  I've described the book as something of a Game of Thrones targeted toward a young adult or new adult audience.  It is a tad long but having a hard time condensing it further.  The story is designed as a three part series and this synopsis only covers the first book.  I am not sure exactly the best way to sell this to agents so any thought in that area would help too.

 

Will definitely trade critiques!  Thanks in advance!

 

~~~~~

 

Latest version at the bottom!



#2 kathleenq

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 12:19 PM

Hi All, I'm looking for some suggestions on how to better my synopsis for my YA Sc-Fi Epic EVERGREEN.  I've described the book as something of a Game of Thrones targeted toward a young adult or new adult audience.  It is a tad long but having a hard time condensing it further.  The story is designed as a three part series and this synopsis only covers the first book.  I am not sure exactly the best way to sell this to agents so any thought in that area would help too.

 

Will definitely trade critiques!  Thanks in advance!

 

~~~~~

 

Eighteen year old CORA GREENWOOD and her younger brother SAM are abandoned by their space pirate of a father when she is only eight years old.  Cora’s sense of family shatters at that moment which is why, ten years later, she agrees to go with Sam on a dangerous academic trip to Earth so she can look out for the only family she has left.  The trip is led by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to both Sam and Cora at the outset of the journey.    (You say her sense of family shatters, which for me means that she's lost her sense of family rather than going with her brother on a dangerous mission. Like she wouldn't want to go? maybe rephrase to say that her loyalty to her brother is what makes her go. Also, why does Sam want to go on this mission?)

 

On their way to Earth comma they are mysteriously diverted and end up in an uncharted solar system with a slave ship waiting to board them.  Cora leads the effort to Their escape the slave ship which forces them to crash land on EVERGREEN, a cold and icy world that suffers extended winters.  Memory floods over Cora as they descend (this makes it sound like they didn't crash land, rather they made a nice landing), she remembers looking out at this same world as an eight year old girl on her father’s ship.  Something their father did on this world is now drawing them back. (how? i thought they were escaping from pirates, which is how they landed here? unless there's some other mysterious force, i would think this is just a coincidence)

 

Stranded on a mountain side, the group despairs and looks to Cora for leadership. (why?) She is surprised at how easily they all turn to her but she takes no solace in her role, she now feels the weight of not only protecting her brother but also the entire group.  Soon after the crash, Cora catches AARON sneaking around their ship at night and confronts him alone. 

 

Aaron has something called Warrior Blood, an old American technology that makes him stronger and faster than normal people.  But not everyone has it, he tells her.  Life is hard on Evergreen and its people are divided.  East versus West.  He agrees to help Cora but makes her promise not to reveal to anyone that she has seen him.  Though he doesn’t tell Cora he is from the West and trespassing into the East, she suspects he is up to something yet feels a connection and trusts him. (There's a lot here that's a bit confusing. Your introduction of Aaron makes him seem like one of Cora's shipmates, but it sounds like he's an Evergreen native. Also, what is this East/West thing and what is that presumably dangerous? )

 

From the shadows Aaron helps lead Cora and the group to the village of THREE OAKS.  They are greeted with open arms but Aaron quickly disappears into the village on his own mission. 

 

Soon, the leader of the Eastern armies, the GUARDIAN, arrives to escort Cora and her group to their capitol, BASETOWN.  Aaron readies to leave fearing the Guardian would recognize him and discover he was mapping out the village for the West.  Cora confronts Aaron still suspicious of his activities which forces Aaron to question his own motives before he leaves.

 

The Guardian, another Warrior Blood, tells Cora he is troubled by the restlessness brewing in the West.  What he doesn’t tell Cora is that he suspects something stolen from Evergreen long ago (is this the key? and if so, is it a physical thing, or a bloodline thing?) may have returned.  A key that will allow them to open the VAULT which is rumored to hold technologies that could alter the course of Evergreen.  The key was stolen by Cora’s father known as the THIEF on Evergreen.  Cora and Sam are the keys to opening the Vault though neither of them know but the Guardian suspects the timing of their arrival is related.  The Guardian begins to show a romantic interest in Cora further confusing Cora herself.    (There's no other romantic interest mentioned between Guardian/Cora, so I'm not sure hat this is needed)

 

Meanwhile, Aaron returns to the West to find that MAXIMUS, the powerful but cruel commander of the Western Warrior Bloods has seized control by slaying their leader.  Maximus wants to go to war with the East and plans to surprise attack Three Oaks which will give him direct access to Basetown.  Aided by the slave ship in orbit around Evergreen, he knows that Cora and her group are indeed the key to opening the Vault.  Aaron is forced to march with them but can’t stop thinking about what will happen to Cora when their forces overrun the village.

 

The Western army arrives in Three Oaks in the midst of a snow storm slashing and burning as they go.  The fighting forces Cora to lead her group out into the blizzard but they are found by Maximus’s Warrior Bloods who are part of Aaron’s order.  Aaron arrives and turns on his brothers fighting them off but not before they kill Dr. Schafer.    

 

Meanwhile, the Guardian, confronts Maximus in the village and after a tense battle forces him to retreat.  Angry at his loss, at Aaron who betrayed them, he vows to return for the Guardian’s blood.  With the danger to the village quelled the Guardian set off to find Cora.

 

Angry, Cora blames Aaron for all that has befallen them, but still she is drawn to him.  They kiss once before the Guardian interrupts them and forces Aaron to flee into the mountains now not welcome in the East or West.

 

The Guardian attempts to console Cora and her group gathered around Dr. Schafer’s body.  But it is little solace for Cora because before died, Dr. Schafer tells her that it was his fault they are stranded on Evergreen.  He had known their father and was tricked into luring them on the doomed trip.  Cora knows now that the conflict on Evergreen is directly tied to her father and now she is in the middle of it.  If she is to survive, she must unravel the mystery and discover the secrets of the Vault before Evergreen tears itself apart in civil war.

So do both sides just want the key to the vault so they can use the contents on each other in a war? If so, then it sounds like they would break out in civil war anyway, so I'm confused why Cora/Sam need to unravel the secrets of the vault, unless it also contains things to stop war and promote peace or what not.

 

I think there needs to be more detail on the vault itself since it seems more central to the plot, and unless your book uses the guardian as a main character, to focus more on Cora and her direct plot rather than the things that happen around her.


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#3 Dave1

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 11:16 AM

Thanks Kathleen for the feedback, all great questions!  I will do a rewrite and post it soon.

 

Also, I agree about more detail on the Vault, it is a central part of the entire series.  Cora/Sam's father finds something in there that can alter power in the known universe itself as well as the planet.  I will try to add more detail and make it a more central part of the synopsis.

 

What I am finding difficult is how to weave it better into the actual story line.  I have left a lot of the details out thinking to tackle it in part two and finally part three when the vault is opened. 



#4 samlat77

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Posted 21 September 2017 - 06:03 PM

Hi All, I'm looking for some suggestions on how to better my synopsis for my YA Sc-Fi Epic EVERGREEN.  I've described the book as something of a Game of Thrones targeted toward a young adult or new adult audience.  It is a tad long but having a hard time condensing it further.  The story is designed as a three part series and this synopsis only covers the first book.  I am not sure exactly the best way to sell this to agents so any thought in that area would help too.

 

Will definitely trade critiques!  Thanks in advance!

 

~~~~~

 

Eighteen year old CORA GREENWOOD and her younger brother SAM are abandoned by their space pirate of a father when she is only eight years old.  Cora’s sense of family shatters at that moment which explain's is why, ten years later, she agrees to go with Sam on a dangerous academic trip to Earth so she can look out to look for the only family she has left.  The trip is led by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to both Sam and Cora at the outset of the journey.    

 

Led by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to Sam and Cora, they are on their way to Earth when they are mysteriously diverted. and Ending up in an uncharted solar system with a slave ship waiting to board them, Cora then tries to lead an escape from the ship, which forces them to crash land on EVERGREEN, a cold and icy world that suffers long winters.  Memory floods over Cora as they descend, she remembers looking out at this same world as an eight year old girl on her father’s ship. As they descend, memories flood Cora and she remembers looking out of that same world when she was eight and on her father's ship. Something their father did on this world is now drawing them back.

 

Stranded on a mountain side, the group despairs and looks to Cora for leadership.  She is surprised at how easily they all turn to her but she takes no solace in her role, she now feels the weight of not only protecting her brother but also the entire group.  Soon after the crash, Cora catches AARON sneaking around their ship at night and confronts him alone. This paragraph just feels kinda weak and awkward.

 

Aaron has something called Warrior Blood, an old American technology that makes him stronger and faster than normal people.  But not everyone has it, he tells her.  Life is hard on Evergreen and its people are divided.  East versus West.  He agrees to help Cora but makes her promise not to reveal to anyone that she has seen him.  Though he doesn’t tell Cora he is from the West and trespassing into the East, she suspects he is up to something yet feels a connection and trusts him. This paragraph left me with a lot of questions.

 

From the shadows, Aaron helps lead Cora and the group to the a village of THREE OAKS where they are greeted with open arms but Aaron quickly disappears into the village on his own mission. This is awkward as well. Just curious, is this solely from Cora's POV or does it have more than one? Beceause this last sentence makes me think there is more than one.

 

Soon, the leader of the Eastern armies, the GUARDIAN, arrives to escort Cora and her group to their capitol, BASETOWN.  Aaron prepares to leave his escape, fearing the Guardian would recognize him and discover he was mapping out the village for the West what he was up toCora confronts Aaron still suspicious of his activities which forces Aaron to question his own motives before he leaves. Still suspicious of Aaron, Cora confronts him about his strange activities, which forces Aaron to question his own motives before slipping away.

 

So...multiple POVs then?? The Guardian, another Warrior Blood, tells Cora he is troubled by the restlessness brewing in the West.  What he doesn’t tell Cora is that he suspects something stolen from Evergreen long ago may have returned.  A key that will allow them to open the VAULT which is rumored to hold technologies that could alter the course of Evergreen.  The key was stolen by Cora’s father known as the THIEF on Evergreen.  and Cora and Sam are the keys to opening the Vault though neither of them know but the Guardian suspects the timing of their arrival is related.  The Guardian begins to show a romantic interest in Cora further confusing Cora herself. This could be better cause otherwise this is just kinda thrown in there out of the blue.

 

Meanwhile, Aaron returns to the West to find that MAXIMUS, the powerful but cruel commander of the Western Warrior Bloods, has seized control by slaying their leader.  Maximus wants to go to war with the East and plans to a surprise attack Three Oaks which that will give him direct access to the Eastern capitoBasetown.  Aided by the slave ship in orbit around Evergreen, he he who? knows that Cora and her group are indeed the key to opening the Vault.  Aaron is forced to march with them but can’t stop thinking about what will happen to Cora when their forces overrun the village.

 

The Western army arrives in Three Oaks in the midst of a snow storm slashing and burning as they go.  The fighting forces Cora to lead her group out into the blizzard but they are found by Maximus’s Warrior Bloods who are part of Aaron’s order.  Aaron arrives and turns on his brothers fighting them off but not before they kill Dr. Schafer.    

 

Meanwhile, the Guardian confronts Maximus in the a village and after a tense battle, forces him Maximus to retreat.  Angry at his loss and at Aaron who betrayed them, he vows to return for the Guardian’s blood.  With the danger to the village quelled the Guardian set off to find Cora. This bit really isn't necessary since most of the romance is clearly between Cora and Aaron.

 

Angry, Cora blames Aaron for all that has befallen them, but still she is drawn to him.  They kiss once before the Guardian interrupts them and forces Aaron to flee into the mountains now not welcome in the East or West.

 

The Guardian attempts to console Cora and her group gathered around Dr. Schafer’s body wait what?.  But it is little solace for Cora because before he died, Dr. Schafer tells her that it was his fault they are stranded on Evergreen.  He had known their father and was tricked into luring them on the doomed trip.  Cora knows now that the conflict on Evergreen is directly tied to her father and now she is in the middle of it.  If she is to survive, she must unravel the mystery and discover the secrets of the Vault before Evergreen tears itself apart in civil war.

So the Vault is clearly a major part of the story and should probably feature more in the synopsis, because right now, it's reading as an afterthought. But I hope I've helped and not frustrated you. Good luck!



#5 Dave1

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Posted 21 September 2017 - 09:04 PM

Not frustrating at all, I appreciate your time and input!  To answer your question, yes the story is in multiple POVs but not sure how to address that in the synopsis, I am thinking of just focusing on Cora's POV for the synopsis since the story ultimately follows her.

 

The Vault is definitely an important to the story so I am planning on a decent rewrite and will focus on more on that.

 

Thanks for the help! 



#6 Dave1

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 02:08 PM

Here is my next attempt based on the feedback.  The major change is that I have included some detail on the Vault to help make it more central to the synopsis.  It is a bit longer now but still in the eight hundred word range which I think isn't too bad.  Any feedback would be appreciated!  

 

------------------------------

 

Check out the latest version below.



#7 Faltho

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 02:05 PM


Eighteen year old CORA GREENWOOD and her younger brother SAM are abandoned by their space pirate of a father when she is only eight years old.  Cora’s sense of family shatters at that moment which is why, ten years later, she agrees to go with Sam on a dangerous academic trip to Earth so she can look out for the only family she has left.  The trip is led by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to both Sam and Cora at the outset of the journey.    

 

On their way to Earth they are mysteriously diverted (Can you be mysteriously diverted? I'd think this is more surprising or unknowingly) and end up in an uncharted solar system with a slave ship waiting to board them.  Cora leads the effort to escape the slave ship which forces them to crash land on EVERGREEN, a cold and icy world that suffers extended winters.  Memory floods over Cora as they descend, she remembers looking out at this same world as an eight year old girl on her father’s ship.  Something their father did on this world is now drawing them back.

 

Stranded on a mountain side, the group despairs and looks to Cora for leadership.  She is surprised at how easily they all turn to her but she takes no solace in her role, she now feels the weight of not only protecting her brother but also the entire group.  Soon after the crash, Cora catches AARON sneaking around their ship at night and confronts him alone. This paragraph doesn't seem to really add much. I'd consider adding this information in as needed elsewhere in the synopsis.

 

Aaron has something called Warrior Blood, an old American technology that makes him stronger and faster than normal people.  But not everyone has it, he tells her.  (I'd skip this unless it plays a major role in the plot) Life is hard on Evergreen and its people are divided.  East versus West.  He agrees to help Cora but makes her promise not to reveal to anyone that she has seen him.  Though he doesn’t tell Cora he is from the West and trespassing into the East, she suspects he is up to something yet feels a connection and trusts him.

 

From the shadows Aaron helps lead Cora and the group to the village of THREE OAKS.  They are greeted with open arms but Aaron quickly disappears into the village on his own mission.  Synopsis reads essentially the same without this paragraph.

 

Soon, the leader of the Eastern armies, the GUARDIAN, arrives to escort Cora and her group to their capitol, BASETOWN.  Aaron readies to leave fearing the Guardian would recognize him and discover he was mapping out the village for the West (I think I know what you're trying to say here, but it's awkwardly worded).  Cora confronts Aaron still suspicious of his activities which forces Aaron to question his own motives before he leaves.

 

The Guardian, another Warrior Blood, tells Cora he is troubled by the restlessness brewing in the West.  What he doesn’t tell Cora is that he suspects something stolen from Evergreen long ago may have returned.  A key that will allow them to open the VAULT (No need to capitalize this) which is rumored to hold technologies that could alter the course of Evergreen.  The key was stolen by Cora’s father (Does she discover this, does someone tell her, how does this happen?) known as the THIEF on EvergreenCora and Sam are the keys to opening the Vault though neither of them know but the Guardian suspects the timing of their arrival is relatedThe Guardian begins to show a romantic interest in Cora further confusing Cora herself.    

 

Meanwhile, Aaron returns to the West to find that MAXIMUS, the powerful but cruel commander of the Western Warrior Bloods has seized control by slaying their leader.  Maximus wants to go to war with the East and plans to surprise attack Three Oaks which will give him direct access to Basetown.  Aided by the slave ship in orbit around Evergreen, he knows that Cora and her group are indeed the key to opening the Vault.  Aaron is forced to march with them but can’t stop thinking about what will happen to Cora when their forces overrun the village.

 

The Western army arrives in Three Oaks in the midst of a snow storm slashing and burning as they go.  The fighting forces Cora to lead her group out into the blizzard but they are found by Maximus’s Warrior Bloods who are part of Aaron’s order.  Aaron arrives and turns on his brothers fighting them off but not before they kill Dr. Schafer (This guy has been missing for a while in your query, is he essential to the plot?).    

 

Meanwhile, the Guardian, confronts Maximus in the village and after a tense battle forces him to retreat.  Angry at his loss, at Aaron who betrayed them, he vows to return for the Guardian’s blood.  With the danger to the village quelled the Guardian set off to find Cora.

 

Angry, Cora blames Aaron for all that has befallen them, but still she is drawn to him.  They kiss once before the Guardian interrupts them and forces Aaron to flee into the mountains now not welcome in the East or West.

 

The Guardian attempts to console Cora and her group gathered around Dr. Schafer’s body.  But it is little solace for Cora because before died, Dr. Schafer tells her that it was his fault they are stranded on Evergreen.  He had known their father and was tricked into luring them on the doomed trip.  Cora knows now that the conflict on Evergreen is directly tied to her father and now she is in the middle of it.  If she is to survive, she must unravel the mystery and discover the secrets of the Vault before Evergreen tears itself apart in civil war.

 

A couple of things stand out immediately. Firstly, there are way too many names, and places. In the past I've been told it's a good idea in a synopsis to stick to 2-4 character names. I would also recommend keeping the places a bit more vague. We don't really need to know all the names for us to understand the general storyline here. I also think there is some information you can leave out. Things like the Doctor, Brother (who never really shows up again), and Warrior Blood don't seem to matter much at this very moment, and they feel more like clutter than help.

 

One thing I'd also consider leaving out is the possible love triangle. In a synopsis it feels very forced, and you don't spend enough time here talking about Cora's feelings on this matter to make it feel solid. Instead this feels like a vague mention of a subplot which isn't fully explored.

 

Overall I think it's a solid start, and it looks a whole lot better than my first couple synopses ever did. With a little shaving, and some careful changes this could be a good synopsis.



#8 Dave1

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 03:36 PM

This again for the comments!  Here is the latest version:

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Captain Greenwood, of the star ship Euros, has finally found what he has been looking for.  Hidden on the obscure world of EVERGREEN, a cold and icy colony that suffers extended winters, he finds the last Ark Vault.  Inside is an ancient American artifact which could change the course of the universe forever.  But he has no time to celebrate as agents of the dreaded Alliance attack forcing him to lock the vault before fleeing.

 

On the run, Captain Greenwood hides his children, eight year old CORA and five year old SAM on his home world of Columbia.  He doesn’t tell them they are the key to opening the Vault before he leaves swearing to return but never does.

 

Cora grows up believing her father nothing more than a worthless space pirate who abandoned them when he was board of parenting, never realizing the danger they had been.  Which is why ten years later, Cora has no reason to believe that an academic trip to Earth that she and her brother are invited on is anything more than a boring archaeological visit to a burnt out old world.

 

However, the trip lead by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to Sam and Cora, is mysteriously diverted and their transport ship ends up in the Evergreen solar system with a pirate ship waiting to board them.  Cora leads an escape from the pirate which forces them to crash land on an Evergreen mountain side.  As they descend, memory floods over Cora, she has seen this world before as an eight year old on her father’s ship. 

 

During their first cold night on the mountain side, Cora catches AARON, an Evergreen native, sneaking around their ship and confronts him alone.  She pleads with him to help them but he is reluctant.  Evergreen is a divided world, he tells her.  Something called the Ark Vault caused the division years ago pitting the East of Evergreen against the West.  They have landed in the East but Aaron is from the West.  If he is found trespassing in these lands he could be killed.  Still, he is drawn to her so agrees to help but makes Cora promise not to reveal to anyone that she has seen him. 

 

From the shadows, Aaron leads Cora and the group to the village of Three Oaks where they are greeted with open arms by villagers who rarely see visitors from their own world let alone outer space. 

 

Soon, the leader of the Eastern armies, the GUARDIAN, arrives to escort Cora and her group to their capitol.  Aaron readies his escape, fearing the Guardian would recognize him and discover he had been spying on the village.  Suspicious of Aaron, Cora confronts him about his reasons for trespassing in Three Oaks, which forces Aaron to question his own motives before slipping away. 

 

The Guardian tells Cora he is troubled by the restlessness brewing in the West.  There are rumors that the key to the Ark Vault has returned to Evergreen which is stirring the blood of the land.  The Vault, long thought closed forever, could be opened again if the rumors be true.      

 

Meanwhile, Aaron returns to the West to find that MAXIMUS, the powerful but cruel commander of the Western armies, has seized control by slaying their leader.  Maximus wants to break years of peace and war against the East planning a surprise attack on Three Oaks using the intelligence Aaron had gathered.  Aided by the pirate ship in orbit around Evergreen, Maximus knows that Cora and her brother are the keys to opening the Vault.  Aaron is forced to march with them but can’t stop thinking about what will happen to Cora when their forces overrun the village.

 

The Western army arrives in Three Oaks in the midst of a snow storm slashing and burning as they go.  The fighting forces Cora to lead her group out into the blizzard but they are found by Maximus’s forces, elite warriors who are part of Aaron’s order.  Aaron arrives and turns on his brothers fighting them off but not before they kill Dr. Schafer.    

 

Meanwhile, the Guardian confronts Maximus and after a tense battle, forces Maximus to retreat.  Angry at his loss and at Aaron who betrayed them, he vows to return for the Guardian’s blood. 

 

Angry, Cora blames Aaron for all that has befallen them, but still she is drawn to him.  They kiss once before the Guardian interrupts them and forces Aaron to flee into the mountains.

 

The Guardian attempts to console Cora and her group over the death of Dr. Schafer.  But it is little solace for Cora because before he died, Dr. Schafer tells her that they are stranded on Evergreen because of him.  He had known their father and was tricked by the Alliance into luring them out of hiding.  Cora knows now that the conflict on Evergreen is directly tied to her father and to her.  If Cora is to survive, she must unravel the mystery and discover the secrets of the Vault before Evergreen tears itself apart in civil war.



#9 SnowFox23

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 04:20 AM

Captain Greenwood, of the star ship Euros, has finally found what he has been looking for.  I like this line.

 

Hidden on the obscure world of EVERGREEN, cool name! a cold and icy colony that suffers extended winters, he finds the last Ark Vault.  Inside is an ancient American artifact which could change the course of the universe forever. How, though? But he has no time to celebrate, as agents of the dreaded Alliance attack, forcing him to lock the vault before fleeing.

 

 

On the run, Captain Greenwood hides his children, eight year old CORA and five year old SAM on his home world of Columbia.  He doesn’t tell them they are the key to opening the Vault before he leaves swearing to return but never does. Why doesn't he come back? Is he killed?

 

 

Cora grows up believing her father  was nothing more than a worthless space pirate who abandoned them when he was board bored of parenting, never realizing the danger they had been inWhy were they in danger? This is never fully explained. Which is why ten years later, Cora has no reason to believe that an academic trip to Earth that she and her brother are invited on, is anything more than a boring archaeological visit to a burnt out old world.

 

 

 

However, the trip lead by DR. SCHAFER, a renowned historian who takes a liking to Sam and Cora, is mysteriously diverted and their transport ship ends up in the Evergreen solar system with a pirate ship waiting to board them.  Cora leads an escape from the pirate which forces them to crash land on an Evergreen mountain side.  As they descend, memory floods over Cora, she has seen this world before as an eight year old on her father’s ship. 

 

 

During their first cold night on the mountain side, Cora catches AARON, an Evergreen native, sneaking around their ship and confronts him alone.  She pleads with him to help them but he is reluctant.  Evergreen is a divided world, he tells her.  Something called the Ark Vault caused the division years ago pitting the East of Evergreen against the West.  They have landed in the East but Aaron is from the West.  If he is found trespassing in these lands he could be killed.  Still, he is drawn to her so agrees to help but makes Cora promise not to reveal to anyone that she has seen him. 

 

 

From the shadows, Aaron leads Cora and the group to the village of Three Oaks where they are greeted with open arms by villagers who rarely see visitors from their own world let alone outer space. 

 

 

Soon, the leader of the Eastern armies, the GUARDIAN, arrives to escort Cora and her group to their capitol.  Aaron readies his escape, fearing the Guardian would recognize him and discover he had been spying on the village.  Suspicious of Aaron, Cora confronts him about his reasons for trespassing in Three Oaks, which forces Aaron to question his own motives before slipping away. 

 

 

The Guardian tells Cora he is troubled by the restlessness brewing in the West.  There  of rumors that the key to the Ark Vault has returned to Evergreen, (I'm starting to realise that you don't like commas, so I put one in for you. You're welcome.)  which is stirring the blood of the land.  The Vault, long thought closed forever, could be opened again if the rumors be true.      I also don't understand this line. Do you mean it can be opened again, or it is opened again after their father closed it? I don't get it.

 

 

Meanwhile, Aaron returns to the West to find that MAXIMUS, the powerful but cruel commander of the Western armies, has seized control by slaying their leader.  Maximus wants to break years of peace and war against the East planning a surprise attack on Three Oaks using the intelligence Aaron had gathered.  Aided by the pirate ship in orbit around Evergreen, Maximus knows that Cora and her brother are the keys to opening the Vault.  Aaron is forced to march with them but can’t stop thinking about what will happen to Cora when their forces overrun the village.

 

 

The Western army arrives in Three Oaks in the midst of a snow storm slashing and burning as they go.  The fighting forces Cora to lead her group out into the blizzard but they are found by Maximus’s forces, elite warriors who are part of Aaron’s order.  Aaron arrives and turns on his brothers fighting them off but not before they kill Dr. Schafer.    

 

 

Meanwhile, the Guardian confronts Maximus and after a tense battle, forces Maximus to retreat.  Angry at his loss and at Aaron who betrayed them, he vows to return for the Guardian’s blood. 

 

 

Angry, Cora blames Aaron for all that has befallen them, but still she is drawn to him.  They kiss once before the Guardian interrupts them and forces Aaron to flee into the mountains.

 

 

The Guardian attempts to console Cora and her group over the death of Dr. Schafer.  But it is little solace for Cora because before he died, Dr. Schafer tells her that they are stranded on Evergreen because of him.  He had known their father and was tricked by the Alliance into luring them out of hiding. I don't understand this line. Cora knows now that the conflict on Evergreen is directly tied to her father and to her.  If Cora is to survive, she must unravel the mystery and discover the secrets of the Vault before Evergreen tears itself apart in civil war. ????????

So, I'm assuming this is the first novel in a series?

Okay. Gotcha.

 

One thing: You need to watch your commas. Or lack of them. Re-read through the synopses, you're missing some much needed commas.

Another thing: I know how much it sucks, but there is still a lot in here that you just don't need. Scrap whatever sentence is in-needed. I took the liberty and scrapped a few for you.

Also, I absolutely do not understand what is happening with the Ark Vault. Like at all. You will need to explain it, because I was confused. Cora is the key to opening it, I think. But: What is it? Why is she the key to opening it? What happens if she opens it? Is it already open, as hinted already? Oh god am so confused.

 

Other than the Ark Vault, I get the story, and it's cool! I like the idea, and would consider buying the book. Just explain the Ark Vault a bit better :)



#10 Dave1

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 09:20 AM

Thanks for the feedback!

 

I am a little unsure on how to handle the Vault in the synopsis myself.  I have planned this to be a trilogy and in the first book the Vault is discussed, we know it is important and there are things of value inside but the value is relative to the context of the later books.  I am afraid I will need to add a lot more detail to the synopsis to make it stick.  Here is the short of it and maybe someone can give me some ideas:

 

What's in the Vault: The original US Constitution in it's coffin like glass case.  It is not important to the people of Evergreen but to the Alliance (the space pirates that make a brief appearance in the book) it is of great value.  If they obtain this artifact (along with the original bill of rights and declaration of independence which they already have) they will prove to the space faring community that they are the true heirs to the American Empire and will unify the galaxy under their banner thus wrecking havoc on the free people of the universe.  Cora's father's intention was to keep that from happening and bring all three artifacts to his home world of Columbia.  (maybe this is enough or does it pose more than it answers?)

 

All this detail is revealed in the third book so I am not sure how to handle it in the synopsis of the first book.  The main question is how do I pitch a planned trilogy where the some of the main blot points are revealed later in the series? 

 

Would love to hear anyone's thoughts on this!







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