Long before she could recollect, Fae had pure celestial power forced through her veins. As she’s forced to call upon her powers, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel. I don't really like it starting with this now. It feels out of nowhere. Now we're getting the stakes before we even mee the main character. I think ti's better the other way around.
(I really liked it opening here. It tells us the most important thing, What Fae wants.)
Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards. The King of Diamonds is hellbent on genocide as a way to purge humanity’s sins. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel (eh kinda clunky)—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on converting her to their extremist ideology.
As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, she enlists with a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control and while she dreamed of being a hero, she fears she can’t stop them from causing destruction.
If her despair consumes her, she will consume the world in flames, tear the earth apart and drown all that remains.
DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.
I dunno. I felt the previous version I commented on was super clear. This version feels kind of muddy. I say try to integrate the first paragraph into the rest of it. Does she know she's a dark angel? Is all of this new to her when she's forced to escape her home?