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Diamond Stormbringer YA Fantasy

Young Adult Fantasy Multi-Cultural

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#41 JDSmith

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Posted 04 October 2018 - 05:25 PM

UPDATED QUERY:

 

Long before she could recollect, Fae had pure celestial power forced through her veins. As she’s forced to call upon her powers, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel.  I don't really like it starting with this now. It feels out of nowhere. Now we're getting the stakes before we even mee the main character. I think ti's better the other way around.

 

(I really liked it opening here. It tells us the most important thing, What Fae wants.)

Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards. The King of Diamonds is hellbent on genocide as a way to purge humanity’s sins. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel (eh kinda clunky)—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on converting her to their extremist ideology.

 

As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, she enlists with a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control and while she dreamed of being a hero, she fears she can’t stop them from causing destruction.

 

If her despair consumes her, she will consume the world in flames, tear the earth apart and drown all that remains.

 

DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.

I dunno. I felt the previous version I commented on was super clear. This version feels kind of muddy. I say try to integrate the first paragraph into the rest of it. Does she know she's a dark angel? Is all of this new to her when she's forced to escape her home?


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#42 jpfranco

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Posted 05 October 2018 - 09:09 AM

I don't have much to add at this point. It's much clearer, the hook is great. The only thing I'd add is why exactly she is afraid of her powers. What happened with them? Something surely did, or else she wouldn't be possibly consumed by despair. I do think it would be more compelling if we had a hint.  I know I'm hounding you about it, I guess it's because I'm intrigued, which is good. All in all, my personal opinion is that this is pretty much ready. 



#43 Koechophe

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Posted 05 October 2018 - 09:14 AM

UPDATED QUERY:

 

HOLY IMPROVEMENT BATMAN! This reads so much better than the one I critiqued! Only minor word choice suggestions to try to trim a few more words for me this time.

 

Long before she could can recollect, Fae had pure celestial power (maybe choose a synonym here, "powers" is used in the next sentence. Energy? Light?) forced through her veins. As she’s forced to call upon Her powers, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel.  (I disagree with the previous advice, and say that as long as you specify "her powers" are what triggers it, you don't need to specify that it happens when she uses them). 

 

Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards. The King of Diamonds is hellbent on genocide as a way to purgeing humanity’s sins through genocide. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on brainwashing converting her to their extremist ideology.

 

As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, she Fae enlists with a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control and while she dreamed of being a hero, she fears she can’t stop them from causing destruction.

 

(Something to the effect of:) Fae must protect her kingdom and her friends from the Cards, but If her despair power consumes her, she will (to avoid word repetition) bathe consume the world in flames, tear the earth apart and drown all that remains.

 

DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.

 

Great work, just minor critiquing for me. I really like this rendition!



#44 HarlequinWriter

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Posted 05 October 2018 - 12:11 PM

Thank you all once again everyone. Just to address some critiques: I have read examples of successful queries and a few hooks did mention the stakes. Hopefully this attempt explains why Fae is so afraid of her powers. I didn't explicitly say that she must protect the kingdom and her friends because I felt it was heavily implied and adding it would be too wordy. While my previous queries may have been a little clearer, they left out too many important plot points and explanations. You've all been wonderful~

 

UPDATED QUERY:

 

Long before she could recollect, Fae had pure celestial essence forced through her veins. As she’s forced to call upon her magic, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel.  

 

Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards. The King of Diamonds is hellbent purging humanity’s sins through genocide. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on converting her to their extremist ideology.

 

As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, Fae enlists in a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control and while she dreamed of being a hero, her magic slaughters and torments those around her.

 

If Fae’s powers consumes her, she will ravage the world in flames, tear the earth apart and drown all that remains.

 

DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.



#45 Koechophe

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Posted 05 October 2018 - 12:40 PM

Thank you all once again everyone. Just to address some critiques: I have read examples of successful queries and a few hooks did mention the stakes. Hopefully this attempt explains why Fae is so afraid of her powers. I didn't explicitly say that she must protect the kingdom and her friends because I felt it was heavily implied and adding it would be too wordy. While my previous queries may have been a little clearer, they left out too many important plot points and explanations. You've all been wonderful~

 

UPDATED QUERY:

 

Let me just fix a few typos for you here, and I really think you've got it!

 

Long before she could recollect, Fae had pure celestial essences forced through her veins. As she’s forced to call upon her magic, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel.  

 

Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards. The King of Diamonds is hellbent purging humanity’s sins through genocide. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on converting her to their extremist ideology.

 

As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, Fae enlists in a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control, and while she dreamed of being a hero, her magic slaughters and torments those around her.

 

If Fae’s powers consume consumes her, she will ravage the world in flames, tear the earth apart and drown all that remains.

 

DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.



#46 JDSmith

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Posted 05 October 2018 - 02:45 PM

Yeah this version has grown on me. I like the tiny changes. It feels like you polished an already strong query! 


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#47 Dollophead

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Posted 06 October 2018 - 10:55 PM

I didn't realize you edited my query like 3 times!! Aaah I'm so grateful <3 Thank you!

 

Long before she could recollect, Fae had pure celestial essence forced through her veins. As she’s forced watch the repetition to call upon her magic, they threaten to overwhelm her, and through starlight and blood, she may transform into an apocalyptic dark angel. This opening feels more like a pitch to me. I like it better when you start with the next paragraph. Maybe integrate the two?

 

 

Young orphan Fae dreams of being like the heroes she reads about, but her Guardian, Hugh, forces her to live in secrecy See? This is a great place to mention the celestial blood!. He hides the world’s cruelty and the knowledge of her own magical potential from her. In the tranquil and kaleidoscopic sounds amazing! But I don't think you need it world of Viridine operates a shadow terrorist organization known as the Cards.The King of Diamonds is hellbent purging humanity’s sins through genocide. His plan requires Fae—his stolen deadly angel—and Hugh, the only one who can create more. When the Cards' trap forces Fae from her home, they are set on converting her to their extremist ideology.

 

As the Cards threaten to torture her and kill innocents, Fae enlists in a vigilante order for protection. In the Slayers, Fae finds the family she’s never had. Her powers are beyond her control and while she dreamed of being a hero, her magic slaughters and torments those around her. (How about something like, "While her new magic may help her become the hero she's always dreamed of being, she must learn to control its destructive nature.")

 

If Fae’s powers consumes her, she will not be able to help ravaging the world in flames, tearing the earth apart, and drowning all that remains.

 

DIAMOND STORMSTRESS is a YA Fantasy complete at 119,000 words.

 

Oh you changed the title? I don't know which one I like better!

 

I think your query's structure is very strong :) congratulations. There are just some phrasing tweakings you need to do. That's really all. 

 

I appreciate all your help :D Good luck!



#48 Koechophe

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Posted 08 October 2018 - 11:44 AM

Just as a note, I like the first title better. Not sure if that's helpful, but I feel like if this was ever to be published, there'd be a picture of a girl on the front so you know it's a female protag, and the literary agent knows right away. I think "stormbringer" brings better imagry than "Stomstress". 



#49 jpfranco

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Posted 09 October 2018 - 12:02 PM

Just as a note, I like the first title better. Not sure if that's helpful, but I feel like if this was ever to be published, there'd be a picture of a girl on the front so you know it's a female protag, and the literary agent knows right away. I think "stormbringer" brings better imagry than "Stomstress". 

What he said ^







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