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#1 DHTSFWriter

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 12:25 AM

In a future neon ghetto, cybernetic toon siblings Remy and Angela must reveal a terrifying secret about the company that built them. And risk an all out war between two nations.



#2 giffordmac

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 10:34 PM

Maybe because I'm not too familiar with your genre, I was a bit confused. I don't know what a "neon ghetto" is, or "cybernetic toon siblings". I understand the stakes (all-out war) if they do reveal the secret, but I'm not getting a handle on the set-up: why must they do what they're going to do? What's the danger if they don't reveal the secret?

 

I think that's a question that needs an answer, because without that part of it, I don't understand why they can't just let things be.

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 DHTSFWriter

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 11:51 PM

Can you help me define this. I am not too good at hooks. 



#4 Niambi

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 07:10 PM

In a future neon ghetto, cybernetic toon siblings Remy and Angela must reveal a terrifying secret about the company that built them. And risk an all out war between two nations.

 

 

Give yourself more credit.  You're off to a great start.  

 

I'd leave out some the jargon and genre-specific terminology only because it bogs readers down with what needs to be a quick yet juicy message.  The way it's written now, the all-out war isn't the stakes.  

 

You did nail down some key points but need a few others.  

 

- WHO: Remy and Angela
    - Surface: [siblings, toon? Like a cartoon? ]
    - Personal: [ N/A ]
    - Essential: cybernetic
- WANTS/NEEDS: what do they want?  Why must they reveal the secret?  What is it to them?  Do they want to prevent or start the war?
- BUT: What gets in their way?  What is stopping them besides the company not wanting the secret out? 
- UNTIL: How do they overcome?  Not win per se, but what sets them up for possible success?  Is it the secret?
- WHERE/WHEN: future ghetto.
 
I use this template for creating loglines and pitches for films and was surprised how it works well enough for hooks.
 
As it stands now:
 
Cybernetic siblings Remy and Angela WANT/NEED to prevent a war between two nations BUT the company that built them PREVENTS this UNTIL Remy and Angela uncover a secret ...
 
Lastly, you may want to reveal what the secret is. 





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