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Viking YA Fantasy Hook


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#1 IslaCaribbe

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 12:40 PM

Updated edit: #4

 

Hi everybody! I'm still new here, but if you feel like it check out my hook:

 

Endra’s life is torn to pieces when her village is destroyed by raiding Vikings and the goddess of death kidnaps her sister, but on the journey to getting her only family back, she becomes a warrior that is capable of terrible things – and enjoys it.


Check out my query if you have time: A Goddess Calls


#2 giffordmac

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 10:27 PM

For me, it's a bit long to be a hook, though it's definitely got appeal. The "torn to pieces" phrase is a bit cliche, and the second part of the sentence seems to ramble. I also prefer "who" to "that" when it's referring to a person but on second thought, maybe that phrase isn't even necessary.

 

Suggestion:

 

When her village is destroyed by raiding Vikings and the goddess of death kidnaps her sister, Endra becomes a warrior capable of terrible things – and she enjoys it.


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 Niambi

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 07:16 PM

Hi everybody! I'm still new here, but if you feel like it check out my hook:

 

Endra’s life is torn to pieces when her village is destroyed by raiding Vikings and the goddess of death kidnaps her sister, but on the journey to getting her only family back, she becomes a warrior that is capable of terrible things – and enjoys it.

 

 

Great so far.  If you remove the unnecessary parts, it's tighter and allows you add more necessary information.

 

When the Goddess of Death kidnaps her sister, Endra must become a warrior capable of doing terrible things.

So we have:

- WHO:  Endra

- WANTS/NEEDS:  to get her sister back

- BUT: *Goddess of Death

- UNTIL: *Endra becomes a warrior

There's an asterisk on the last two because they DO work as answers to those questions but they go without saying.  You may want to add, briefly and succinctly, why the GoD wants Endra's sister, OR why/how Endra becomes a terrible warrior.

 

One or the other.



#4 IslaCaribbe

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Posted 02 October 2017 - 09:24 AM

Wow guys- great critiques! This is my first time trying to write a hook so this feedback is really helpful. Updated option:

 

 
When the Goddess of Death kidnaps Endra's sister, she must become a warrior capable of terrible things to save her only family -and the kingdom.
 
 
(So the reason Endra has to save her sister, is Brenna's the last living member of her family after the viking raid AND Brenna is supposed to become the queen of the vikings so without her, there will be chaos. I don't really know how or if I should work that in. What do you think?)

Check out my query if you have time: A Goddess Calls


#5 giffordmac

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 11:42 PM

I'd either work in the bit about being Queen of the Vikings, or just end at "only family." As it stands now, the "Kingdom" comment doesn't really have a hook to hang on (pun entirely intended).


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#6 noellbernard

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Posted 02 November 2017 - 03:35 PM

 

Wow guys- great critiques! This is my first time trying to write a hook so this feedback is really helpful. Updated option:

 

 
When the Goddess of Death kidnaps Endra's sister, she must become a warrior capable of terrible things to save her only family -and the kingdom.
 
 
(So the reason Endra has to save her sister, is Brenna's the last living member of her family after the viking raid AND Brenna is supposed to become the queen of the vikings so without her, there will be chaos. I don't really know how or if I should work that in. What do you think?)

 

 

I think you are being too vague with 'warrior capable of terrible things' and it's just not really hitting the mark. You want something specific. What terrible things? What skills will she need to defeat(?) the Goddess of Death? 

 

And I agree that 'the kingdom' isn't really hitting the mark here. We have no context for why it will save the kingdom and it's a bit cliche. The sister aspect is a lot stronger right now and more personal. :)

Also, personal preference would be to put Endra's name after the comma, because grammatically, 'she' is actually referring back to her sister. But that's a personal opinion as I'm sure people can figure out who you mean. :/


Any advice you're willing to offer on my query would be greatly appreciated: Thread Here! Thank you!

 

Feel like some literary chat? Join my weekly blog discussions at MNBernard Books!

 

Want to read some dark fairytales? Check out my short story in OWS Ink's anthology, Mirrors & Thorns!





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