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The Thirteenth Guardian (YA Fantasy) Synopsis Critique


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#1 Faltho

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:35 AM

I hate synopses, just tossing that out there. I also have room for about 100 more words if things need to change drastically. I've also edited out a main plot twist because it would mean I need to introduce 4 more names, and add a few too many more words (I was at about double trying to keep this in and not make it sound deus ex machina).

 

 

Sixteen-year-old CHASE ADDAMS isn’t what you’d call a hero. In fact, he self identifies as an uncoordinated, sarcastic, smart-ass who’d be completely useless in a theoretical monster fight.

 

On the evening of his sixteenth birthday Chase is surprised by his girlfriend ASRA SAITOU, who for his birthday gift, arranged a tour of the town’s local haunted houses. At the last house on the tour an umbra appears and turns their tour guide into a monstrous slenderman. Chase’s prediction of being useless in a monster fight comes true, and he is saved by the arrival of a mysterious woman dressed in black. As they attempt to leave the haunted house, an arm wreathed in flame bursts out of an empty closet, knocking Chase unconscious, and dragging Asra off into darkness. 

 

Chase wakes up the next morning, convinced the previous night must have been a crazy dream. On his porch, he finds the enigmatic woman who saved him from the slenderman and umbra. She tells Chase he has stumbled into an interplanar war between the land of the living and the land of the dead. She offers to take him to a group of heroic spirits called guardians - who fight against the terrors in the land of the dead. The strange woman tells Chase they are likely the only people who could help rescue Asra.

 

At their sanctuary, Chase is astounded to find out he is a guardian heroic spirit and is given a guardian weapon to aid in his quest. With this information, he and fellow guardian SAMPSON travel to the land of the dead in search of any information which may lead to Asra’s location. Chase is astonished to find a world quite similar to his own, and nothing at all like the nightmarish stories told by the other guardians. Seeing this fallacy, Chase accepts Sampson as his mentor.

 

After finding a promising lead that Asra is most likely being kept in a fracture of reality, they are attacked by a rogue guardian. In one final act of heroism, Sampson sacrifices himself to save Chase and the innocent onlookers caught in the monumental battle’s crossfire.

 

While dealing with the burdens of grief and guilt at the loss of his friend and mentor, Chase ventures into a bridge between planes of existence. In a small corner of a hidden realm he finds Asra, who tells Chase she is being held prisoner by a fallen guardian- called shades.  As they take their chance to escape Chase is lured into a battle with several dark guardians, including the one responsible for Sampson’s death. He understands there is no hope at winning, and uses the abilities of his guardian weapon to transport Asra to safety. As a last act of defiance, he destroys the shard of reality, and everyone in it.

 

After the destruction of the plane, Chase returns to the land of the living as a protector for Asra’s family. Though he is still haunted by the death of Sampson, and his own actions in this interplanar war, Chase feels he has found a place among the guardians, and with them, will continue to fight against the lurking darkness.        



#2 SnowFox23

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 03:57 AM

I hate synopses, dear God, don't we all. just tossing that out there. I also have room for about 100 more words if things need to change drastically. I've also edited out a main plot twist because it would mean I need to introduce 4 more names, and add a few too many more words (I was at about double trying to keep this in and not make it sound deus ex machina).

 

 

Sixteen-year-old CHASE ADDAMS isn’t what you’d call a hero. In fact, he self identifies as an uncoordinated, sarcastic, smart-ass who’d be completely useless in a theoretical monster fight.

 

On the evening of his sixteenth birthday Chase is surprised by his girlfriend ASRA SAITOU, who for his birthday gift, arranged a tour of the town’s local haunted houses. At the last house on the tour an umbra appears maybe I'm stupid, but what is an umbra? and turns their tour guide into a monstrous slenderman. maybe I'm doubly stupid, but what's a slenderman? Don't make me Google it. Chase’s prediction of being useless in a monster fight comes true, and he is saved by the arrival of a mysterious woman dressed in black. As they attempt to leave the haunted house, an arm wreathed in flame bursts out of an empty closet, knocking Chase unconscious, and dragging Asra off into darkness. 

 

I love when I read a synopsis and I can actually follow what is happening. So far, it's looking good!

 

Chase wakes up the next morning, convinced the previous night must have been a crazy dream. On his porch, he  to find the enigmatic woman who saved him from the slenderman and umbra. She tells Chase he has stumbled into an interplanar like interplanetary? war between the land of the living and the land of the dead. She offers to take him to a group of heroic spirits called guardians - who fight against the terrors in the land of the dead. The strange woman tells Chase they are likely the only people who could help rescue Asra.

Can still follow what is happening, so that's awesome. Very concise.

 

At their sanctuary, Chase is astounded to find out he is a guardian heroic spirit and is given a guardian weapon to aid in his quest. With this information, he and fellow guardian SAMPSON travel to the land of the dead in search of any information which may lead to Asra’s location. Chase is astonished to find a world quite similar to his own, and nothing at all like the nightmarish stories told by the other guardians. Seeing this fallacy, Chase accepts Sampson as his mentor.

 

After finding a promising lead that Asra is most likely being kept in a fracture of reality, they are attacked by a rogue guardian. In one final act of heroism, Sampson sacrifices himself to save Chase and the innocent onlookers caught in the monumental battle’s crossfire.

 

While dealing with the burdens of grief and guilt at the loss of his friend and mentor, Chase ventures into a bridge between planes of existence. In a small corner of a hidden realm he finds Asra, who tells Chase she is being held prisoner by a fallen guardian- called shades.  As they take their chance to escape, Chase is lured into a battle with several dark guardians, including the one responsible for Sampson’s death. He understands there is no hope at winning, why not? and uses the abilities of his guardian weapon to transport Asra to safety. As a last act of defiance, he destroys the shard of reality, and everyone in it.

 

After the destruction of the plane? planet?, Chase returns to the land of the living as a protector for Asra’s family. Though he is still haunted by the death of Sampson, and his own actions in this interplanar war, Chase feels he has found a place among the guardians, and with them, will continue to fight against the lurking darkness.        

 

I'm honestly not being a smart ass when I say Well Done, I understood the story. I read so many synopses' and I'm confused as hell in about half a minute.

I get the story. I get the motivations. I get the stakes. The language is spare but concise.

My only nitpicks were some of the words (interplanar, umbra, and slenderman). I figure if I have to Google something then someone else might have to as well. Maybe dumb down these words so as to avoid any confusion (interplanetary, shadow, bad-dude, you know what I mean.) Your choice, though.

 

Other than that, I think it's pretty sweet to go. I don't really have any questions about the plot, so that's great.

Good stuff.

Remember me when you're famous.



#3 Faltho

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:18 AM

I hate synopses, dear God, don't we all. just tossing that out there. I also have room for about 100 more words if things need to change drastically. I've also edited out a main plot twist because it would mean I need to introduce 4 more names, and add a few too many more words (I was at about double trying to keep this in and not make it sound deus ex machina).

 

 

Sixteen-year-old CHASE ADDAMS isn’t what you’d call a hero. In fact, he self identifies as an uncoordinated, sarcastic, smart-ass who’d be completely useless in a theoretical monster fight.

 

On the evening of his sixteenth birthday Chase is surprised by his girlfriend ASRA SAITOU, who for his birthday gift, arranged a tour of the town’s local haunted houses. At the last house on the tour an umbra appears maybe I'm stupid, but what is an umbra? and turns their tour guide into a monstrous slenderman. maybe I'm doubly stupid, but what's a slenderman? Don't make me Google it. Chase’s prediction of being useless in a monster fight comes true, and he is saved by the arrival of a mysterious woman dressed in black. As they attempt to leave the haunted house, an arm wreathed in flame bursts out of an empty closet, knocking Chase unconscious, and dragging Asra off into darkness. 

 

I love when I read a synopsis and I can actually follow what is happening. So far, it's looking good!

 

Chase wakes up the next morning, convinced the previous night must have been a crazy dream. On his porch, he  to find the enigmatic woman who saved him from the slenderman and umbra. She tells Chase he has stumbled into an interplanar like interplanetary? war between the land of the living and the land of the dead. She offers to take him to a group of heroic spirits called guardians - who fight against the terrors in the land of the dead. The strange woman tells Chase they are likely the only people who could help rescue Asra.

Can still follow what is happening, so that's awesome. Very concise.

 

At their sanctuary, Chase is astounded to find out he is a guardian heroic spirit and is given a guardian weapon to aid in his quest. With this information, he and fellow guardian SAMPSON travel to the land of the dead in search of any information which may lead to Asra’s location. Chase is astonished to find a world quite similar to his own, and nothing at all like the nightmarish stories told by the other guardians. Seeing this fallacy, Chase accepts Sampson as his mentor.

 

After finding a promising lead that Asra is most likely being kept in a fracture of reality, they are attacked by a rogue guardian. In one final act of heroism, Sampson sacrifices himself to save Chase and the innocent onlookers caught in the monumental battle’s crossfire.

 

While dealing with the burdens of grief and guilt at the loss of his friend and mentor, Chase ventures into a bridge between planes of existence. In a small corner of a hidden realm he finds Asra, who tells Chase she is being held prisoner by a fallen guardian- called shades.  As they take their chance to escape, Chase is lured into a battle with several dark guardians, including the one responsible for Sampson’s death. He understands there is no hope at winning, why not? and uses the abilities of his guardian weapon to transport Asra to safety. As a last act of defiance, he destroys the shard of reality, and everyone in it.

 

After the destruction of the plane? planet?, Chase returns to the land of the living as a protector for Asra’s family. Though he is still haunted by the death of Sampson, and his own actions in this interplanar war, Chase feels he has found a place among the guardians, and with them, will continue to fight against the lurking darkness.        

 

I'm honestly not being a smart ass when I say Well Done, I understood the story. I read so many synopses' and I'm confused as hell in about half a minute.

I get the story. I get the motivations. I get the stakes. The language is spare but concise.

My only nitpicks were some of the words (interplanar, umbra, and slenderman). I figure if I have to Google something then someone else might have to as well. Maybe dumb down these words so as to avoid any confusion (interplanetary, shadow, bad-dude, you know what I mean.) Your choice, though.

 

Other than that, I think it's pretty sweet to go. I don't really have any questions about the plot, so that's great.

Good stuff.

Remember me when you're famous.

 

Thanks for the wonderful feedback! I've added what an umbra is (a human corrupted by the land of the dead). A slenderman is a famous (In the US) creepy-pasta monster, who even was used in the defense arguments of a young girl who was accused of murder. So, with this I may leave out a description, as it's a cultural mainstay at least for many in the US. When I try to get agents abroad, I may need to add this. Ahh, yes, interplanar means between planes of existence. Perhaps I need to reword that the first time around to make it easier to understand when I use it again later. 






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