This is my first time seeing this, so maybe fresh eyes will help a little.
Dear [Insert agent name here]
In researching agents, I was excited to discover that you represent [insert novel], by [insert author]. I am particularly impressed by the grit and mystery in [insert novel]. Since you are interested in representing dark fantasy with a dash of humor, I hope you enjoy my query:
When sixteen-year-old overachiever and amateur occultist Paul Bernelli “borrows” an enchanted ankh to conjure up a social life, he accidentally lets the ankh and his crush fall into the hands of a demon. (Funny opening sentence! A little wordy, but I'm hooked.) A demon who plans on using the ankh to conquer San Francisco instead of scoring a hot date to prom.
A demon-hunting society discovers the blunder and shanghais Paul, revealing that the teen is a “changeling” — a magically-inclined underworlder raised among humans. To make matters worse, the society assigns the sullen teenage Alice to be Paul’s babysitter. She doesn’t exactly appreciate the assignment, or see eye-to-eye with her people’s nonviolent approach to changelings. Well written, but things go a little sideways here, because you just intro'd the demon taking over San Fran. Quick, back to the demon problem!
Despite a looming scholarship deadline, Paul puts his bright future on hold to unravel his underworld roots and rescue his crush, although she may not be who she claims, or even want rescuing. Does this mean dealing with the ankh-wielding demon?
Together, Alice and Paul journey deep into the Underworld, a world where might makes right, danger strides through the ashen streets, and cunning reigns supreme. Love the tone of that sentence! The duo will face zealous vampires, wicked warlords, and worst of all: the dreaded prom! Will the demon be at the prom?
INTO THE INFERNO is a YA contemporary fantasy novel, complete at 75,000 words. It will appeal to fans of “Denton Little's Deathdate,” by Lance Rubin. I currently study at Cornell University with a focus on creative writing and bottomless cups of coffee.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Really enjoyed this query. I do think it kind of makes a left turn in that third paragraph, then drives further from your opening hook in the next two by focusing a little too much on the relationships at the cost of the conflict. Then it closes with a journey...but I doubt your story is really about the journey, per say. Questions I'm left with: Why is it essential that he enters the underworld? Does the prom really figure large in this story? And what happened to that conquest-minded demon?? I think you're getting close though, lots of humor and the query has a great voice. Last but not least, I've got a query up as well if you'd like to take a look.