Thanks again for all the terrific feedback! You were definitely right about the last paragraph being too complex. I tweaked it below. Is it simpler now?
When sixteen-year-old overachiever and amateur occultist Paul “borrows” an enchanted ankh to conjure a social life, he actually succeeds! Well, he succeeds in summoning a demon.
Ademon that, unfortunately , plans on using the ankh to conquer San Franciscoinstead of scoring Paul a hot date to prom. The demon steals the ankh and kidnaps Paul’s crush before disappearing into the Underworld. Oops. I love this first para. It tells us who your MC is, what he wants, what he does to get it, what goes wrong. and all of this in a super funny and cool voice. I do however agree with some of the suggestions above. You can try merging the two last sentences.
Unfortunately, instead of scoring Paul a hot date to prom, the demon steals the ankh and kidnaps Paul’s crush before disappearing into the Underworld.
A demon-hunting society arrests Paul for the blunder, revealing that the teen is a changeling — a magically-inclined underworlder raised among humans. And if that wasn't stressful enough, the society assigns fierce teenager Alice to be Paul’s babysitter. She doesn’t exactly appreciate the assignment, or see eye-to-eye with her people’s nonviolent approach to changelings.
The society gives high-strung Paul just one month to retrieve the ankh and rescue his crush. If he fails, the society turns his head into a wall hanging. Not to mention his crush will be for ever doomed. just saying :)
Paul and Alice’s search for the ankh takes them deep into the Underworld, a world where might makes right and danger strides through the ashen streets. But when Paul discovers he’s popular with the cutthroat underworlders, his demon-hunting mission loses its shine. Paul must choose between battling his own kind to save a city that rejected him, or joining a world that wants to devour his humanity. This last para needs more work. Mostly It's the last sentence that throws me off. The stakes seem to come out of the left field.
INTO THE INFERNO is a YA contemporary fantasy novel, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of DENTON LITTLE’S DEATHDATE, by Lance Rubin. I studied at Cornell University, with a focus on political science and bottomless coffee cups. One of my critique partners is [Author], best-selling author of [Novel].
Thank you for your time and consideration,
This is a very good query. You just need to figure out the last para. Give us a bit more info to clarify the stakes.
Here's the link to my query: http://agentquerycon...ess-ya-fantasy/
I would love to hear your opinion on it.