Thanks for all your help! I owe so much of this to you all. I'd post here OBSESSIVELY. It works. Getting critique after critique after critique forced me to grow as a writer, and eventually took me to the point where I landed a few offers and signed with my agent. You all rock.
You can check out the final query and pages that got me my agent by signing up for my mailing list here: patrickbohanbooks.com/
Or you can go to the successful queries forum, I put it there too: http://agentquerycon...ent-ya-fantasy/
New Query in post #72! - http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=357950
While querying my last book, I had time to write something completely new! This is my first, very rough attempt at a query letter for INTO THE INFERNO. I'd love to get your opinions! Is it awkward? Clunky? What would turn agents off?
Critique me, and I'll brutally critique you.
There are monsters among us -- the Rosicrucians are the ones who deal with them. But with social upheaval in the underworld, hordes of supernatural refugees are worming their way into modern-day San Francisco. The Rosicrucian society is struggling to keep up. For high school geek and occult enthusiast Paul Bernelli, magic was just a hobby. But when ever-curious Paul ‘borrows’ an ancient ankh from the Rosicrucians to move up the school pecking order, he lets the ankh, and his crush, fall into the hands of a demon. A demon who plans on using the ankh's magic for a whole lot more than scoring a hot date to prom.
The Rosicrucians apprehend Paul, but before lopping off his head off, they discover that he’s a changeling -- an underworlder raised among humans. And the society can use that.
The Rosicrucians present Paul with an ultimatum: retrieve the ankh and patch things up back home, or off with his head. To make matters worse, the Rosicrucians assign the kickass, no-nonsense Alice to be Paul’s babysitter. She doesn’t exactly appreciate the assignment, or see eye-to-eye with the Rosicrucian’s passivism.
The two journey deep into Underworld, a world where might makes right and cunning reins supreme. A world where danger lurks behind every corner, and kindness is a type of barbecue sauce. Together, the duo will face vicious vampires, sadistic witches, high intrigue, and worst of all: the dreaded prom!
INTO THE INFERNO is a YA urban fantasy novel, complete at 75,000 words. Picture “The Dresden Files” meets “Percy Jackson.”
I currently study at Cornell University with a focus on creative writing. I hope you enjoy my first [xx] pages.