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A new hook


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#1 Tom Preece

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 11:40 PM

She is organizing the invasion of Fort Ord California on Armed Forces day 1970. He has been ordered to defend it.



#2 Tom Preece

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Posted 11 October 2017 - 04:34 PM

Rewrite.

 

Ron and Julie have fallen in love.   She's planning a protest, a peaceful invasion of Ft. Ord; he has been ordered to defend it with a gun.



#3 Niambi

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 05:44 PM

- Who is your main character: Ron or Julie?
    - Surface details:?
    - Personality details:?
    - What is essential to the character solving their conflict:?
- What do they want: to hold a protest or to defend the fort?
- Who/what is in their way?  What are they struggling against: Is it each other?
- How do they overcome? What verbs describe the action of the story:?

 

- Where does the story take place: A fort.
 
We're still missing a bunch of information.

As it stands now, your hooks (with just the information you gave) are:
 
Ron has to defend a Fort Ord.
 
Or
 
Julie wants to hold a protest at Fort Ord.


#4 Tom Preece

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Posted 14 October 2017 - 08:15 PM

It's a Niambi - not even a query.  It is meant to intrigue and drive one to ask questions (as you have)



#5 Illumen

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:44 AM

Rewrite.

 

Ron and Julie have fallen in love.   She's planning a protest, a peaceful invasion of Ft. Ord; he has been ordered to defend it with a gun.

I like it except for the last part, was kinda clunky to me, I was feeling something more like '...ordered to grab a gun and defend it' but jmo



#6 Erik18

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 08:06 AM

Your two sentences make a pretty good log line - i.e. They tells us exactly (in overview) what the story is about, name our main characters and set out the conflict without getting into convoluted detail.  That's quite an accomplishment in so few words. That said, the story idea is clichéd.  While your lines give the reader good info quickly, they do not make me want to read it.   What will make your story original is how you tell it ... That's what the hook is for.

 

The hook doesn't need to tell us what the story is about or who the main characters are or what the conflict is (though those elements are not verboten).  The hook needs to grab the reader and pull him/her in.  That's best done by putting the reader into a scene, not by giving an overview.

 

For example:  Ron raised his binoculars and panned across the unruly mob that had gathered at the fort's entrance.  He spotted Julie about three rows back.  In one hand she held a placard; the other was raised in a fist.

 

He had begged her not to go to the rally, but, of course, she would not be dissuaded.  She was fiercely independent and her commitment to 'just causes' was one of the qualities he loved most about her, but at this moment he wished she weren't so pig-headed.  The rally had turned violent and some masked men were attacking the barrier.

 

"Get ready to fire," the major said from behind him.

 

The men on the parapet aimed their weapons.  Ron whispered a silent prayer.

 

"Fire!"

 

Yes, I've used more words than you, but I've given almost as much info in a more dramatic way.

 

I could have shortened the hook, though I'd convey less info.  e.g.  Ron raised his weapon and rested a trembling finger on the trigger guard.  He knew Julie was somewhere in the midst of that mob, but what was he to do?  An order was an order.

 

One of the keys to an effective hook is immediacy.



#7 RSMellette

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 03:46 PM

I kind of like the "he" and "she" version. The purpose of the hook isn't to complete the story, just to make someone interested. They also aren't made for the general public, but professionals. You have a straight Romance, so the pronouns are enough and the obstacle is strong.

 

Nice.


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#8 Tom Preece

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Posted 23 October 2017 - 05:40 PM

And when you can use an abbreviation do it:

 

1970 and she's organizing the invasion of Ft. Ord.  He's ordered to defend it.



#9 Niambi

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Posted Today, 02:02 AM

It’s still gotta answer those questions. Otherwise you still have what I originally wrote. Two people who want to do things but no motivations and no actual intrigue.

You want people hooked not scratching their heads.




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