A seasoned celebrity, Mark Doyle, extracts
recounts how he extracted his success from the lives and deaths of a group of friends. This is quite interesting, but you need to add a name and also remove the recounts so your statement is more active. I also think it needs to be a bit more specific. What kind of success? The success that led him to become a celebrity?
Mark Doyle extracts his own celebrity from the lives and deaths of a group of friends.
Maybe something more like the above sentence.
Doyle escapes his stagnant life as an unemployed 27-year-old by moving in with his aunt and uncle in Strasbourg, France. He is a self-professed grounded man but the receptive crowd of the foreigner society wakes up an ambitious curiosity in him. What? This sentence is awkward and unclear. What is ambitious curiosity? He delves into a chatoic relationship with a charming but edgy woman, takes the friendship of a sociable but conspicuously privy couple, The word privy doesn't make sense in this context and makes it his mission to become an artist. This last sentence is too vague, just a list of events.
He finds out too late and completely unprepared that his new friends' secrets are more than casual eccentricities: Anne, his new girlfriend, is suffering from PTSD; his closest friends, the McCarrons are big-time identity thieves and criminal mediators. Even his recent boss is mostly involved with the underworld and Mark has been unknowingly posing as a front. He is both hurt by these revelations and sees that those close to him are trying to free themselves from their burdens, be it trauma or a connection with the underworld. He is torn, as he sees he could potentially be of help to these people in their search for catharsis What's so special about Mark that he can help all these people with their diverse problems? And they want help? The McCarrons suddenly decided they don't want to be criminals anymore? but at the same time he could drop all the heavy challenges and live off of a new opportunity he gets as an artist with his work, which is plagiaristic of the Strasbourg crooks' fake air. I don't understand what this means.
The second paragraph includes a lot of names and events, but which are crucial to the story? Your query should only include events and characters crucial to the story. I also still don't understand the stakes. He's not sure he should help his friends or just leave them to fend for themselves. Those aren't really stakes. Really, it just sounds like your character is selfish.
The body of your query also doesn't seem to relate to your hook. How does he become a celebrity? What kind of celebrity? How does he exploit his friends? Where is/are the death/s?
I'm not seeing the plot of your story. A man moves to Strasbourg to live with his relatives. Then what? He meets some people. They have some problems. He's not sure if he should stick around and help them. This doesn't tell me anything about the specifics of the story, or who Mark is, or what he wants, or what his obstacles are. You need to go back to those basic questions:
1. Who is Mark?
2. What does he want?
3. What obstacles does he face?
4. What happens if he fails?
Try to write a one-sentence description of your book (a logline). Writing a query forces you to recognize the basic conflict of your story. See examples: http://www.filmdaily...ogline-examples.
I know this is hard because everything is clear to you, but for a person on the outside, I'm afraid your story is still very unclear. You need to reduce your story to the essentials, then flesh back out from there.
No, I don't have a query posted right now.