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When Targets Change


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#1 Drift Island Specialist

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 12:45 AM

Izabel Walters’ hatred for secrets intensified to a thousand after learning that her dead mother had been secretly part of an evil group of scientists known as the Freedom Society on Drift Island, a mystical island tucked away in the Pacific Ocean.  After refusing to aid the evil group any longer, the scientists murdered her mother and targeted the teen, her brother and their father.  After receiving threats from the Society, the family moved to the island from the San Francisco Bay Area where they would were granted whatever protection the island’s government could muster.  Within months of moving there, however, their new home was broken into, a family heirloom stolen and her Aunt Jane vanished.  Unfortunately, finding her aunt wasn’t the only problem.   The Society opened a lab in the States to perform deadly experiments outside the containment of the island, risking more lives if the experiment turned sour.  It would take Izabel all the strength she had to find and rescue her Aunt Jane before worse events transpired.  



#2 smithgirl

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 02:07 PM

You need to write your query using the standard query format/style. Look at Query Shark and successful queries.



#3 ARDavis

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Posted 13 November 2017 - 10:20 PM

Izabel Walters’ hatred for secrets intensified to a thousand after learning that her dead mother had been secretly part of an evil group of scientists known as the Freedom Society on Drift Island, a mystical island tucked away in the Pacific Ocean. (This sentence is too long. Break it up and start out with properly introducing our MC, how old is she, what she does, etc.)  After refusing to aid the evil group any longer, the scientists murdered her mother and targeted the teen, her brother and their father. (Why was her mother part of this group and why are they targeting her family? Also, calling Izabel "the teen" feels weird. If you want to establish her age, just do so in the beginning of the letter.)  After receiving threats from the Society, the family moved to the island from the San Francisco Bay Area where they would were granted whatever protection the island’s government could muster. (What's with the sudden shift in tense? Also, this is too vague and it's going too fast. You can slow down so you can establish these thing properly.)  Within months of moving there, however, their new home was broken into, a family heirloom stolen and her Aunt Jane vanished. (I feel like this is where the story starts proper.)  Unfortunately, finding her aunt wasn’t the only problem. (I would assume so, considering this organization wants her dead.)   The Society opened a lab in the States to perform deadly experiments outside the containment of the island, risking more lives if the experiment turned sour.  It would take Izabel all the strength she had to find and rescue her Aunt Jane before worse events transpired.  (The sentence before made it seem like she had already found her aunt.)

 

OK, this needs work. This here sounds more like an outline than a proper query letter. I don't have a title, word count, any book comparisons, and the regular old thank you for your time and consideration, and that's just the basic stuff. I don't really understand what this story is about, either. What's at stake, who is the MC and why does this matter to her? I feel like there is a conflict and a story here, but there's too much information in the way. And because there's too much information, it feels like I have no information at the same time. I suggest going to Query shark or look up Query letter guidelines first. Then you can build on your letter from there. I'd love to see a revision to this and I would be happy to leave a critique on it as well. Good luck and I hope I helped. 






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