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Servant of Memory

Historical Fiction Fiction

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#1 RichGrad

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 12:45 AM

Hi, this is a hook of my latest novel (a work in progress), Servant of Memory. Constructive feedback will be appreciated! Thanks in advance.

 

 

A man. Reincarnated into multiple lives with the ability to remember them all. His purpose is his destiny and find it, he must.



#2 Ireth

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Posted 13 October 2017 - 01:59 PM

Hi, this is a hook of my latest novel (a work in progress), Servant of Memory. Constructive feedback will be appreciated! Thanks in advance.

 

 

A man. (Tell us his name. "Bob is/has been...") reincarnated into multiple lives with the ability to remember them all. His purpose is his destiny (this is redundant, scrap it) and find it, he must. (Why are you suddenly channeling Yoda?)

 

This doesn't work. The reincarnation thing is cool, but you need more than that for a hook. What is this guy's purpose, and what does he have to do to achieve it?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#3 RichGrad

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:35 AM

I have several challenges here:

 

1. My character has 14 names because he is reincarnated 14 times. This makes it impossible to provide 'a' name. He is the Servant of Memory.

2. His purpose is something that he seeks throughout all 14 of his lives and he only comes close to finding out what it is towards the end. His purpose cannot be revealed in the hook. 

3. I liked the Yoda style prose ; )

 

* Reworked:

 

He is the Servant of Memory - a man reincarnated into multiple lives in human history with the ability to remember them all, searching for his purpose, his reason for existence.



#4 Ireth

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 11:13 AM

I have several challenges here:

 

1. My character has 14 names because he is reincarnated 14 times. This makes it impossible to provide 'a' name. He is the Servant of Memory.

2. His purpose is something that he seeks throughout all 14 of his lives and he only comes close to finding out what it is towards the end. His purpose cannot be revealed in the hook. 

3. I liked the Yoda style prose ; )

 

* Reworked:

 

He is the Servant of Memory - a man reincarnated into multiple lives in human history with the ability to remember them all, searching for his purpose, his reason for existence.

 

You still need a plot element in there somewhere. "Searching for a purpose" is about as vague as you can get. How about something like this:

 

"While seeking his true purpose in his fifteenth reincarnation, the Servant of Memory [does something plot-relevant, pisses off the villain, etc.]."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 VeletaC

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 01:24 PM

Hi,

 

It sounds like an idea that you are researching which is all fine. There's nothing wrong with playing around with words because they are what conveys our thinking to the reader but, while you are at it, make it a habit to bear the reader in mind, though the story might sound fine to you, it might not push the reader far enough to convince or hook them.

 

All the best



#6 RichGrad

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 05:05 AM

.



#7 RichGrad

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 09:14 AM

You still need a plot element in there somewhere. "Searching for a purpose" is about as vague as you can get. How about something like this:

 

"While seeking his true purpose in his fifteenth reincarnation, the Servant of Memory [does something plot-relevant, pisses off the villain, etc.]."

 

Okeydokey, how's this?

 

The Servant of Memory discovers the purpose of his existence when, in his 14th reincarnation, his accumulated memories attract the attention of an evil organisation.







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