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A PYRE FOR THE BLACKWATER(Adult Dark Science-Fantasy) (Query Reboot)(3/13) (Critiques Welcome/Will Critique in return)

Fantasy Family Saga

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#41 albarchs

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Posted 16 November 2017 - 08:22 PM

So I think the story has a unique flare and it definitely pulls me in. I would consider reshaping it to focus more on the blood, what it is, and how it specifically has affected your MC.

I think I'm not being clear in that regard. Mora's homeland/dominion is Orenos. She is returning from the unknown regions on the other side of the world. This is just word restructuring. My biggest concern is to keep the query focused. The previous versions focused on either the Ivory, the blood, and its personal relationship between Mora and herself. By stripping it out and going with straight forward terms agents can recognize, it just clicks.

 

I think this is a big mistake. Based on the previous queries, I started going way too detailed focused with the Ivory angle. One angle, one worldbuilding element. I based this query on a very straight forward/to the point query. That's what the synopsis is for. Do I need to go into the world itself or like the query below, give enough of a taste. That's why T.C. synopses are often asked for in conjunction with queries. Sometimes a safe option can work and then the unique details in the query work better.

 

Dear [Mr. or Ms. ___],

 

Prince Eran is running out of time. His father is dying, the king's advisers want him out of the way, and he's pretty sure his own bodyguard may turn on him at any moment. He barely even has the loyalty of the troops, whose ranks are split into regional factions. Without anyone trustworthy on his side, Eran's imminent kingship is liable to be very short lived. (This is incredibly straight forward/similar to the bottom paragraph I created. Notice, there's no mention of the country, anything super specifics. It's all very standard fantasy terms. Kings, factions, bodyguards, kingship)

 

Then into the capital falls Devec, a young soldier cursed with a complete inability to lie or break a promise. In a city that runs on deceit, here finally is a man who cannot help but tell the truth. The prince has found someone he can trust -- but can Devec trust the prince? Dangerous games are being played above Devec's head, and he will be forced to choose between his loyalty to king and country, and his desire to do what is right. (There's almost zero specific context. You get the other main character and a choice. This kind of query is what I'm aiming for. Being specific with straight forward genre language works for me. Otherwise, I end up with Ivory blood word soup.

 

A tale of magic, honor and conspiracy, The Kingmakers should appeal to readers of George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series. It is my first novel, complete at 83,000 words.

As per your agency's guidelines, I am including a synopsis and the first 10 pages as attachments. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Me



#42 albarchs

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 10:03 AM

Roeland Witte loves taking on the strangest contracts he can find. Land serpent exploder, his sister’s hair braider, he’ll do it all wearing his madman’s smile. And his most favored patron, his empress and childhood friend, hands him his greatest gig yet.

 

To donate his mana to help her to deny a worlds-devouring curse from consuming their mercenary people.

 

She needs the blackwaters, a panacea like mana swimming through Roeland’s veins, that can and has drowned several worlds before. They agree to disagree. And with a sudden slip of her hands, Roeland starts hurtling toward the city below.

 

Just as he’s about to become an accidental splat, hither comes Josefina Witte, fiendishly humored, imprisoned duchess of ruin. She’s seen this coming, plucks her Roeliekins into her dreamlike prison, and offers him a deal he can’t resist: her purified blackwaters to help him to devour the curse festering in its victims’ veins.

 

As the curse subsides, the blackwaters rise, and Roeland devours the poison within his people, bringing forlorn hope to them all. But his new-found strength comes with a price: he’s transforming, he’s becoming something bestial himself. And he unearths an uncomfortable truth about his voracious power: the blackwaters and the curse are one in the same. Aunt Josie’s power isn’t just for saving his people, she’s banking on him fighting something much worse than blackwater fiends. He’ll have to choose between giving up his strength to preserve himself or embrace the beast’s he’s becoming to ensure his people’s survival. And if he’s not careful, his mana might burn wild, consuming his people and the world itself.

 

A PYRE FOR THE BLACKWATER is a 106,000 word standalone adult science-fantasy, a rage against the dying of the darklight political tragedy with series potential.

 

I have a B.A. in Political Science with a focus on political systems and military history, specifically, the evolution of mercenaries from the Bronze Age up until the arrival of private military companies of today.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.







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