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#1 SnowFox23

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 02:55 AM

Seventeen year old JAKE STRICKLAND is immortal and nobody knows it but him. He lives a quiet, happy life with his adoring step-father HAYDEN, and his eighteen year old foster brother LUKE who has become the closest friend Jake has ever had.

 

When their step father, Hayden, fails to return home after a shift cleaning the laboratory of Artic X Corporation, Jake and Luke are left to search for their missing step-father. During their search, Jake is involved in a hit and run accident, and is pronounced dead at the scene. His body, along with a hysterical Luke, is taken to the hospital.

 

Luke’s girlfriend, DIANA, also witnessed the car accident and flees to Jake and Luke’s house in an attempt to find Hayden. She finds him slumped in the backyard, confused, and disoriented, and possessing no memory of his foster children Jake or Luke. Diana returns to Luke, who is still at the morgue, after Hayden becomes violent with her.

 

Jake awakens, an hour later, in a body bag in the morgue. He rings Hayden who agrees to come to the hospital when Jake confesses that he is immortal.

When Jake flees the morgue, his step father appears, and Jake is stunned when Hayden shoots him in the head.

Luke and Diana, who were still at the morgue, witness the attack and are forced to take cover when Hayden begins to shoot at them.

 

A helicopter descends into the parking lot, and a man jumps out, killing Hayden and kidnapping Jake’s lifeless body. Luke and Diana force their way into the helicopter as it takes off with Jake inside.

 

The trio are forcibly sedated and taken to Maven: A safe island inhabited by only superhuman children and teenagers who call themselves the Alliance. Here, they are protected from their shared enemy: Artic X, a secret genetic corporation who have been stealing genetically gifted children to clone and reprogram them into killing machines.

 

Jake and Luke both learn that Hayden was cloned and reprogrammed by Artic X to hunt for children like Jake. They both accept they must stay on the island indefinitely, and are embraced by the amazing community.

Luke’s relationship with Diana becomes even more complicated when Luke begins to have strong feelings for MICAH, the Alliance leader.

 

In an attempt to find the Alliance’s location, Artic X founder, JAMES ABRAHAM, kidnaps VADIM, another gifted child and equips him with a GPS tracker.

Vadim is brought to the island by the unsuspecting Alliance, and Micah finds the GPS tracker in his arm.

 

Artic X infiltrate the island, an hour later. They kidnap the gifted children and murder the rest of the Alliance. But when they cannot find Jake, they lure Luke out of hiding by staging a horrific presentation.

Hands and knees bound and knives pressed to their throats, Micah and Diana are dangled over the lagoon. The Artic X captors threaten to drown them both if Luke does not give up Jake’s whereabouts.

 

Luke refuses to give up Jake’s location and Micah and Diana are thrown into the lagoon to drown. As he sprints to save them, Luke knows he only has time to save one of the girls.

And he chooses Micah.

Diana just manages to make it to the surface, but the depth of Luke’s betrayal makes her almost wish she didn’t.

 

The chaos of the near drowning brings Jake out of hiding and Micah, Jake, Luke and Diana are taken to Artic X to begin a life of slavery.

 

Waking up alone and in a cage, Luke realises that Jake and Micah are about to be cloned and Luke begins a final revolt against Artic X. He and the rest of the survivors storm the guards and Luke heads to the cloning room where Jake and Micah are being held.

 

In the cloning room, Micah admits to Jake that she is his sister and she shares the same gift he does. Luke bursts through the cloning room and throws the bomb he smuggled from Maven into the room and sprints for his life. The entire Artic X building collapses around him.

 

Luke awakens days later to the knowledge that Artic X has finally been destroyed. Only a few people beside he and Diana survived the blast.

With the pain of Luke’s rejection still lingering, Diana realises in the hospital that Luke never belonged to her and she abandons him before he wakens.

 

Luke is discharged from hospital with nowhere to go. He flees to a nearby park, and debates whether to continue living. Later that night he wakens to see Micah walking to him. She died in the blast but her body regenerated.

 

Artic X founder James Abraham’s clone was killed in the blast, but he himself has survived. In the final scene, he is en route to an island, to use as a new laboratory. He is going to restart his mission… with Jake by his side.



#2 Faltho

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:50 AM

Seventeen year old JAKE STRICKLAND is immortal and nobody knows it but him. He lives a quiet, happy life with his adoring step-father HAYDEN, and his eighteen year old foster brother LUKE who has become the closest friend Jake has ever had.

 

When their step father, Hayden, fails to return home after a shift cleaning the laboratory of Artic X Corporation, Jake and Luke are left to search for their missing step-father (this re-mention of the word(s) step-father feels a bit redundant). During their search, Jake is involved (Is he the victim?) in a hit and run accident, and is pronounced dead at the scene. His body, along with a hysterical Luke, is(This might be 'are') taken to the hospital.

 

Luke’s girlfriend, DIANA, also witnessed the car accident and flees to Jake and Luke’s house in an attempt to find Hayden (She doesn't go to the hospital?). She finds him slumped in the backyard, confused, and disoriented, and possessing no memory of his foster children Jake or Luke. Diana returns to Luke, who is still at the morgue (I thought they were going to the hospital), after Hayden becomes violent with her.

 

Jake awakens, an hour later, in a body bag in the morgue. He rings Hayden (But he doesn't remember him?) who agrees to come to the hospital when Jake confesses that he is immortal.

When Jake flees the morgue, his step father appears, and Jake is stunned when Hayden shoots him in the head.

Luke and Diana, who were still at the morgue, witness the attack and are forced to take cover when Hayden begins to shoot at them.

 

A helicopter descends into the parking lot, and a man jumps out, killing Hayden and kidnapping Jake’s lifeless body. Luke and Diana force their way into the helicopter as it takes off with Jake inside.

 

The trio are forcibly sedated and taken to Maven: A safe island inhabited by only superhuman children and teenagers who call themselves the Alliance. Here, they are protected from their shared enemy: Artic X, a secret genetic corporation who have been stealing genetically gifted children to clone and reprogram them into killing machines.

 

Jake and Luke both learn that Hayden was cloned and reprogrammed by Artic X to hunt for children like Jake. They both accept they must stay on the island indefinitely, and are embraced by the amazing community.

Luke’s relationship with Diana becomes even more complicated when Luke begins to have strong feelings for MICAH, the Alliance leader. (For this, I'd either show this organically or not mention it)

 

In an attempt to find the Alliance’s location, Artic X founder, JAMES ABRAHAM, kidnaps VADIM (Lots of names at this point, perhaps there are a few you could cut out?), another gifted child and equips him with a GPS tracker.

Vadim is brought to the island by the unsuspecting Alliance, and Micah finds the GPS tracker in his arm.

 

Artic X infiltrate the island, an hour later. They kidnap the gifted children and murder the rest of the Alliance. But when they cannot find Jake, they lure Luke out of hiding by staging a horrific presentation.

Hands and knees bound and knives pressed to their throats, Micah and Diana are dangled over the lagoon (Reminds me a bit of a James Bond Villain). The Artic X captors threaten to drown them both if Luke does not give up Jake’s whereabouts.

 

Luke refuses to give up Jake’s location and Micah and Diana are thrown into the lagoon to drown. As he sprints to save them, Luke knows he only has time to save one of the girls.

And he chooses Micah.

Diana just manages to make it to the surface, but the depth of Luke’s betrayal makes her almost wish she didn’t.

 

The chaos of the near drowning brings Jake out of hiding and Micah, Jake, Luke and Diana are taken to Artic X to begin a life of slavery.

 

Waking up alone and in a cage, Luke realises that Jake and Micah are about to be cloned and Luke begins a final revolt against Artic X. He and the rest of the survivors storm the guards and Luke heads to the cloning room where Jake and Micah are being held.

 

In the cloning room, Micah admits to Jake that she is his sister and she shares the same gift he does. Luke bursts through the cloning room and throws the bomb (This is new information, which seems like you could have mentioned it before) he smuggled from Maven into the room and sprints for his life. The entire Artic X building collapses around him.

 

Luke awakens days later to the knowledge that Artic X has finally been destroyed. Only a few people beside he and Diana survived the blast.

With the pain of Luke’s rejection still lingering, Diana realises in the hospital that Luke never belonged to her and she abandons him before he wakens.

 

Luke is discharged from hospital with nowhere to go. He flees to a nearby park, and debates whether to continue living. Later that night he wakens to see Micah walking to him. She died in the blast but her body regenerated.

 

Artic X founder James Abraham’s clone was killed in the blast, but he himself has survived. In the final scene, he is en route to an island, to use as a new laboratory. He is going to restart his mission… with Jake by his side.

 

 

I think this is a great start to your synopsis. I think the one thing that seems to bring this down a bit is the mention of the Luke, Micah, Diana subplot. For me, it just makes it feel a bit cluttered, with no major payoff at the end. Maybe re-working this to get rid of all that excess information could tighten this up and really let us focus on the main plot. Again, this is just an opinion and others will probably disagree.

 

The other thing is the ending doesn't feel standalone. Which may be great for some agents, and turn others off completely. I may be wrong here, and I completely admit my lack of seasoned advice, but I'd remove this last paragraph completely, and then rework the final paragraph to leave it open to a possible sequel, rather than a direct lead-in to a sequel.



#3 SnowFox23

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 10:32 PM

Thanks for this, Faltho. I am going to tweak the synopsis today. I appreciate your feedback, and will definitely take it all into consideration!






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