Regarding wanting an ordinary life vs boring character: No one wants to read about a character who wants to be boring, but characters who aren't normal but want to be normal is a very widespread trope (http://tvtropes.org/...tWantToBeNormal). So you're right, it is a balancing act, and it does seem like this is part of Bryan's character: putting himself in danger and being a hero, or returning to the closest thing he knows as normal. So I think it's okay to say that he wants a normal life, although the way it's written right now is a little clunky.
All4Kristen, I take your point. Thank you. I've edited it again. But if I remove his want for an ordinary life (which he's never had) it impacts massively on the conflict. He's had extraordinary all his life, moving from town to city to village, never settling anywhere. I appreciate that you may see it as boring but what agents don't want (and consider boring in the extreme) is a special snowflake, a "chosen one" character who's better at everything than everyone else. So surely it's important to contrast his unique abilities with being just an average guy? It's a balancing act. One that I've not got right quite yet, obviously.
Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a prophecy in another. I'm conceptually sold on this hook, but not on how it's currently written. It just doesn't flow perfectly yet. I like better the hook suggested by I believe all4kristen came up with in post #17, although the one problem with both is that the subject of the sentences is the contacts, which seems a little... passive to me, I guess. The idea is totally the right one, so just try playing around a little more with how the sentence could be written.
An ordinary life, that’s what Bryan’s always wanted. As I noted above, this sentence is a little clunky. He and his
Mmum [so if it's used as a name/ title, it'll be capitalized, like if he's talking to her, or if in the book itself you just refer to her as "Mum", but when it's got his/a/the/etc. in front of it, it's not really a proper noun anymore and should just be lower case. So: "I love you, Mum," Bryan said to Mum.] move every time someone notices his stupid eyes, never making friends, never calling anywhere home. While exploring yet another new town, he stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.
Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusually coloured eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.
Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae, then vanished It took me a moment to read this correctly, mostly based on figuring out the "then vanished" bit. You are grammatically correct, but it through me. I wonder if even just changing it to "and then vanished" might help Or maybe it's just me who read it wrong, but you don't want to risk an agent doing it as well. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his probably-frantic
Mmum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.
EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins.
Thank you for your time and attention,
You're pretty darn close, with definite improvements. You got this!