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Eyes White as Snow (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Young Adult Fantasy

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#21 lnloft

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Posted 26 October 2017 - 05:45 PM

Regarding wanting an ordinary life vs boring character: No one wants to read about a character who wants to be boring, but characters who aren't normal but want to be normal is a very widespread trope (http://tvtropes.org/...tWantToBeNormal). So you're right, it is a balancing act, and it does seem like this is part of Bryan's character: putting himself in danger and being a hero, or returning to the closest thing he knows as normal. So I think it's okay to say that he wants a normal life, although the way it's written right now is a little clunky.

All4Kristen, I take your point. Thank you. I've edited it again. But if I remove his want for an ordinary life (which he's never had) it impacts massively on the conflict. He's had extraordinary all his life, moving from town to city to village, never settling anywhere. I appreciate that you may see it as boring but what agents don't want (and consider boring in the extreme) is a special snowflake, a "chosen one" character who's better at everything than everyone else. So surely it's important to contrast his unique abilities with being just an average guy? It's a balancing act. One that I've not got right quite yet, obviously.

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a prophecy in another. I'm conceptually sold on this hook, but not on how it's currently written. It just doesn't flow perfectly yet. I like better the hook suggested by I believe all4kristen came up with in post #17, although the one problem with both is that the subject of the sentences is the contacts, which seems a little... passive to me, I guess. The idea is totally the right one, so just try playing around a little more with how the sentence could be written.

 

An ordinary life, that’s what Bryan’s always wanted. As I noted above, this sentence is a little clunky. He and his Mmum [so if it's used as a name/ title, it'll be capitalized, like if he's talking to her, or if in the book itself you just refer to her as "Mum", but when it's got his/a/the/etc. in front of it, it's not really a proper noun anymore and should just be lower case. So: "I love you, Mum," Bryan said to Mum.] move every time someone notices his stupid eyes, never making friends, never calling anywhere home. While exploring yet another new town, he stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusually coloured eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae, then vanished It took me a moment to read this correctly, mostly based on figuring out the "then vanished" bit. You are grammatically correct, but it through me. I wonder if even just changing it to "and then vanished" might help Or maybe it's just me who read it wrong, but you don't want to risk an agent doing it as well. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his probably-frantic Mmum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

You're pretty darn close, with definite improvements. You got this!


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#22 jaustail

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 12:57 AM

JMO:

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a prophecy in another.

 

An ordinary life, that’s what Bryan’s always wanted. He and his Mum move every time someone notices his stupid eyes(lol), never making friends, never calling anywhere home(i didnt understand this). While exploring yet another new town, he stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusual(maybe hyphen)(show how the eyes are unusual. are they also white?) coloured eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae, then vanished(maybe replace with: and vanished soon after). Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his probably-frantic Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,(full stop)

 

I like the query letter. It's very well written and flows smoothly. One sentence leads to the next and you explain the story very well. Good luck.

Link to my revised query is in my signature in case you want to have a look.



#23 all4kristen

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 11:35 AM

Hello. I think I understand what you mean.  I just think the whole striving to be ordinary might dull the actual query. 

 

Maybe something could be said in the last line, about how he now has to choose between his new family, the Oculi, who accept him and his eyes, or returning to his mum, who sacrificed her life; moving him from town to town to avoid ridicule, in search of finding him impartial friends.    



#24 doubleaw

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 06:51 PM

All4Kristen, I take your point. Thank you. I've edited it again. But if I remove his want for an ordinary life (which he's never had) it impacts massively on the conflict. He's had extraordinary all his life, moving from town to city to village, never settling anywhere. I appreciate that you may see it as boring but what agents don't want (and consider boring in the extreme) is a special snowflake, a "chosen one" character who's better at everything than everyone else. So surely it's important to contrast his unique abilities with being just an average guy? It's a balancing act. One that I've not got right quite yet, obviously.

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a prophecy in another.

 

An ordinary life, Just a thought here: what if instead of wanting "to be ordinary" he wanted to be accepted? Maybe that doesn't work if he simply doesn't want his white eyes anymore, but if that's not the case, I just think wanting to be accepted translates a little better than wanting to be ordinary. For me, it also makes me want to root for him a little more.  that’s what Bryan’s always wanted. He and his Mum move every time someone notices his stupid eyes, never making friends, never calling anywhere home. While exploring yet another new town, he stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusual coloured eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae, then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his probably-frantic Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

Overall, I like this and my comment is more of just a possible suggestion than a critique. 



#25 Arcanjoe

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Posted 30 October 2017 - 03:17 PM

Thanks everyone! The beginning seems to be the problem. How is this?

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s white eyes may be a source of ridicule in his world, but could be the key to a prophecy in another.

 

People who see Bryan's eyes have the unfortunate a habit of freaking out. And soon the whole town knows about the weirdo living amongst them. Forced to move for the fifth time in as many years, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new town home. While exploring it, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have colourful eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his worried Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#26 NGrzesik

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Posted 31 October 2017 - 01:17 PM

Dear *Agent,*

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s white eyes may be a source of ridicule in his world, but could be the key to a prophecy in another. This feels very cliche. Some part of me thinks that leading with a "prophecy" for a fantasy novel is not the best thing. Just to be clear, there's nothing wrong with having a prophecy in your novel. I just think you could lead with something else. Maybe instead of "prophecy" you could be specific about what, exactly, Bryan's eyes signify in this other world. Do they reveal a truth? Will they save someone's life? Just ideas. 

 

People who see Bryan's eyes have the unfortunate a habit of freaking out This feels very vague. How do they freak out? Do they have a mental breakdown? Or do they just shun him because he's different?. And I'd avoid starting sentences with "And" soon the whole town knows about the weirdo Weirdo feels like an odd word to choose. Maybe something else? What about "Freak"? living amongst them. Forced to move for the fifth time in as many years, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new town home What's the town's name? Where is it? What makes it different from other towns? This could all add too how they think it'll be their "new" home. While exploring it, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy. What if this is what you lead with? You could say, "...Bryan's eyes are the source of ridicule in his world, but they are a King's worst nightmare in another..." or something along those lines. That, to me, would sound more interesting than coming out swinging with a prophecy. 

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have colourful eyes, just like him I thought Bryan's eyes were white?. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction. Why is he hunting them to extinction? I don't think it would hurt to put a little background info on the Oculi and this king. It could be a quick sentence like, "The Oculi, forest-dwellers with colorful eyes, have hid for eons from a king who slaughters them out of fear of their enhanced abilities." 

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution Why did Bryan suddenly want to become friends with the Oculi. Is it just because they have the same colored eyes are does he somehow feel accepted with them?. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his worried Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

Interesting story! There's a lot of blue, but a lot of it is just questions for clarity. 

 

By the way, thanks for commenting on my query. 


If you found my suggestions to be helpful, I'd appreciate if you took a look at my query for Ruptured Sky. Thanks. 


#27 Arcanjoe

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:34 AM

Been a while since I tackled this query. A few things have changed in the story so I've rewritten large parts of the query. How is this draft? Thanks for the continued help everyone!

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

The eyes may be the windows to the soul for most, but for sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley, his white eyes are nothing but a burden.

 

Forced out of a town for the fifth time in as many years after the locals learned about his peculiar eyes, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. While avoiding local bullies in dense fog, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have colourful eyes, just like him. Their eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#28 PureZhar3

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 05:22 PM

 

Hey there, any help with this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley was born with white eyes. Scared of what will happen if someone learns his secret, ​that he has white eyes? Bryan hides his treacherous eyes behind contact lenses and keeps any would-be friends at arm's length. ​okay, this is interesting, but the intro is awkward. Maybe rephrase this so that the reader can follow... "Since white eyes signal traitors, Bryan hides his..." But when Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble ​maybe just say that he stumbles upon a marble containing a lightning storm?, he wakes (without the damned object) in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts a white-eyed boy's rise to power. ​wait, so are white-eyes bad in BOTH worlds?

 

Bryan escapes a run-in with the King’s Trackers thanks to a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusual colored eyes, just like him.  ​this sentence could be cleaned up a bit Each of them has an ability; the rarer their eye color the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. ​same If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of its tyrannical King. ​maybe this is me, but King doesn't seem right capitalized But Bryan doesn’t want to navigate sentient forests, learn the bizarre customs of the Oculi, or join his new friends’ revolution, even if he does have a thing for their enigmatic leader ​ooh... be more specific than "a thing" otherwise it's too vague and the interest gets diffused. He just wants to go home.

 

When he’s abducted by Trackers and taken to the King, Bryan believes his Oculi friends will come for him. To survive until then, Bryan strikes a deal with the King: if the King spares him ​,he will use his emerging abilities in service to the crown. The King agrees ​really? same guy who was terrified (I think?) of a white-eyed person taking over his kingdom?, but his drunken taunts of a precious opal that can travel between worlds show Bryan there’s a way out of Farwae. And when the Oculi’s attempt to free him results in their capture, Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home, or stay in Farwae and fight to free the only friends he’s ever known. ​these stakes don't really contrast for me. I mean, he can't go get the opal, can he? or does he have time under the king? or does the king have access to it? And can't he free his friends and then get the opal and return home? is there some kind of time limit?

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

​This sounds epic and is a pretty clear query - there were just some things that logically didn't line up for me, like the stakes at the end. Best of luck and great start!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#29 PureZhar3

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 05:28 PM

​I see I edited the wrong query! You may want to edit the original post so people don't get confused and query the wrong thing.

 

Sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley’s contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a prophecy in another. ​good

 

An ordinary life, that’s what Bryan’s always wanted. ​can we slip this info in elsewhere? He and his Mum move every time someone notices his stupid eyes, never making friends, never calling anywhere home. ​this implies the eyes incite something more sinister than ridicule, I feel like. Minor thing though While exploring yet another new town, he stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble ​can you cut the "a strange object that looks like" bit and just say "a lightning storm trapped in a marble"?. One touch and Bryan wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a prophecy that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy. ​fateful how?

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Oculi, who have unusual coloured eyes, just like him. Their eyes give them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour​comma the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Oculi in Farwae for over a century. If the Oculi can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Oculi and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae, then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his probably-frantic ​not likely this "probably-frantic" phrasing? Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

​Much better! Beyond those things that I noted, I think this seems solid!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#30 JP1994

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:12 PM

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

The eyes may be the windows to the soul for most, but for sixteen-year-old Bryan Bradley, his white eyes are nothing but a burden. (I'd expand on the eyes a bit for the hook. Would help get the main body off to a smoother start)

 

Forced out of a town for the fifth time in as many years after the locals learned about his peculiar eyes, (Bit long and awkward) Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. While avoiding local bullies in dense fog, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble(...Don't get this. I'd simplify) One touch and he wakes in Farwae––a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy. (Tells a little too much. Need to show more. Try something like, 'a land ruled by a cruel king who's long awaited his arrival, the fabled white-eyed boy who he'll capture at any cost.')

 

Hunted by the King's men, Bryan finds sanctuary with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have colourful eyes, just like him. Their eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction. (I'd rewrite to make it sharper, join the conflict with the stakes more. Like, 'Bryan escapes the King's hunters by taking refuge with the Mati, a near-extinct group of forest-dwellers. He learns that their eyes are colourful, just like his, and grant them great powers to use in their struggle against the king. What astounds him even more is that a pair of white eyes have not been seen in over a century, and he possesses powers that could turn the tide in the war.' Again, mine isn't perfect but it's an example of how to make the body seem more exciting.)

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong. (I'd emphasise the belonging he finds with the Mati a little more. Would make his decision seem harder to make.)

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. (Credentials are nice.)

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

 

 

It's written a little awkwardly and lacks a sense of urgency. Other than that, it sounds like a fascinating plot; particularly the power-granting eyes. Keep it up. I doubt a good query is far off.



#31 Arcanjoe

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:45 PM

Dear *Agent,*

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan's white eyes have always got him in trouble in our world, but in Farwae they'll get him killed.

 

Moving sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks worse. Turns out sleepy villages don't tend to like a boy with white eyes moving in down the street. Still, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. Which means wearing brown contacts at all times and avoiding some of the nosier kids at school. While sneaking past them in dense fog, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

Bryan escapes the King's hunters by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have colourful eyes, just like him. Their eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#32 Wayfarer

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 03:27 PM

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan's white eyes have always brought him in trouble in our world, but in Farwae they'll get him killed.

 

Moving sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks worse. Turns out sleepy villages don't tend to like a boy with white eyes moving in down the street (No idea what this is saying. What is a sleepy village? Why don't they like white eyes? Don't start like this after making the hook his eyes, start with the eyes and why they're trouble). Still, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. Which means wearing brown contacts at all times and avoiding some of the nosier kids at school. While sneaking past them in dense fog (Huh? Why is he sneaking? Saying dense fog doesn't set the scene either. Fog where? The fog is irrelevant), Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the fated/divined (pick one) arrival of a white-eyed boy.

 

(You need to explain that the King doesn't want Byran and fears him, don't jump to a scene where we have to assume that's the case like you do here >)Bryan escapes the King's hunters by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have colourful eyes (Don't say colourful. Say odd/strange/unique. Colorful doesn't make sense for white eyes. The coming sentence "the rarer their eye colour" stands fine on its own.), just like him. Their eyes grant (Do the eyes literally control the power, or are they just a physical indicator? If the former, then fine. If not, then say "Their eyes mark their unique abilities, ranging from...") them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan finds himself navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But when he learns of a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished (What.). Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong. (Give us a reason why he would want to venture home, and why he would want to stay. You're giving us his choice, but not the reasoning, or the stakes of said choice.)

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I have recently had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 



#33 PureZhar3

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 06:40 PM

​Here to query the right version at last!

 

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan's white eyes have always got him in trouble in our world, but in Farwae they'll get him killed. ​Not a major fan. Too vague with what kind of trouble they get him in.

 

Moving sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks worse ​it might be more formal to say "sucks more". It ​(you want to show them you know how to formulate true sentences, even though I know this is a stylistic choice) Turns out sleepy villages don't tend to like a boy​s with white eyes moving in down the street. Still, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this ​maybe say "their newest", because everything previously has sounded like an overview and this sounds strange. Also, consider using a different word than village - maybe town? so that you don't repeat the word new village home. Which means wearing brown contacts at all times and avoiding some of the nosier kids at school ​again the true sentences. While sneaking past them in dense fog, Bryan stumbles upon a strange object that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the fateful arrival of a white-eyed boy. ​fateful how? again with the true sentences

 

Bryan escapes the King's hunters by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have colourful eyes, just like him. Their eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan's ​totally subjective, but I like "Bryan is" navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way to get back home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve recently ​I don't know tons about this, but they might like it if you mention the time-frame (how recent is recent?) had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

​Good! The first paragraph was a bit slow for me. Also, you had a lot of unfinished clauses, which I know was a stylistic choice, but an editor once told me that it's better to show them you can use "real English" before slipping into style.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#34 Arcanjoe

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Posted 16 February 2018 - 12:54 PM

Thanks for your help! It didn't seem people were understanding the 'sleepy village' part. That may be an English expression, I don't know, but it's been cut now. Included a lot of the suggested changes and reverted back to a previous hook. Thoughts?

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan's contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a divination in another.

 

Moving house sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks more. It turns out small towns don't tend to like a boy with white eyes moving in down the street. Still, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. While exploring, Bryan stumbles upon an opal that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the arrival of a white-eyed boy. A boy he must capture. A boy that could mean his death.

 

Bryan escapes the King's trackers by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have eyes like his. Their colourful eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan is navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum and the new life they're building, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#35 rhwashere

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 07:45 AM

I’d recommend cutting your 1st paragraph. The beginning of the second is a better hook.

I would not say the Mati “have eyes like his” when their eyes are not also white. I would say they “also have strange eyes, of many different colors. But there hasn’t been one with white eyes in over a century.”

Lastly, your choice at the end isn’t much of a choice. Return to the real world where most people dislike you, or stay where there’s magic and friends and overthrow an evil king. What kid wouldn’t pick the latter? You also need stakes. What bad thing will happen if he stays? What worse thing will happen if he goes back home?

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#36 PureZhar3

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 04:22 PM

 

Thanks for your help! It didn't seem people were understanding the 'sleepy village' part. That may be an English expression, I don't know, but it's been cut now. Included a lot of the suggested changes and reverted back to a previous hook. Thoughts?

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan's contacts hide his white eyes––a source of ridicule in his world, but the key to a divination in another. ​this hook doesn't grab me as much as another hook might

 

Moving house​s sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks more. It turns out small towns don't tend to like a boy with white eyes moving in down the street. Still, Bryan and his mum hope they'll finally be able to call this new village home. While exploring, Bryan stumbles upon an opal that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the arrival of a white-eyed boy. A boy he must capture. A boy that could mean his death. ​My friend, please just be clear about what this prophecy says. "obsessed with a prophecy that predicts a white-eyed boy will be his downfall".

 

Bryan escapes the King's trackers by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have eyes like his. Their colourful eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. ​this whole sentence runs a bit long and choppy If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his abilities, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan is navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities ​this is the third time that you've used the word abilities and it bothers me with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum and the new life they're building, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

​I'm liking this! I would disagree with Rh about the stakes, because he has to leave his mother if he stays, but Farwae is clearly the better option. 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#37 rhwashere

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 05:44 PM

On second thought, Zhar is right about the stakes, but I would make them more clear. We don’t get a sense of how much he loves his mother from the query. Either highlight this or describe a situation in which his mother needs him (i.e. she’s sick, or is struggling to get by, or she’s Bryan’s only family in the world, etc).

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#38 PureZhar3

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 06:16 PM

On second thought, Zhar is right about the stakes, but I would make them more clear. We don’t get a sense of how much he loves his mother from the query. Either highlight this or describe a situation in which his mother needs him (i.e. she’s sick, or is struggling to get by, or she’s Bryan’s only family in the world, etc).

 

Great idea, Rhwashere.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#39 Arcanjoe

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 04:51 PM

Thanks everyone. Implemented a few of your suggested changes in this draft!

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Moving house sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks more. It turns out small towns don't tend to like a boy with white eyes moving in down the street.

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan Bradley hopes this quiet seaside village will be different. Together with his mum - the only person he has left in the world - he prays to finally be able to call somewhere home. While exploring, Bryan stumbles upon an opal that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the arrival of the white-eyed boy who is to be his downfall.

 

Bryan escapes the King's trackers by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have unusual eyes like his. Their colourful eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his powers, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan is navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum and the new life they're building, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#40 PureZhar3

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 08:14 PM

 

Thanks everyone. Implemented a few of your suggested changes in this draft!

 

Dear *Agent,*

 

Moving house sucks. Moving five times in five years sucks more. It turns out small towns don't tend to ​still not a fan of the "tend to" bit... just saying they don't like a boy with white eyes seems good to melike a boy with white eyes moving in down the street.

 

Fifteen-year-old Bryan Bradley hopes this ​again, I would say something that implies you're about to switch into "this is the current plot"... but then, I'm struggling to think of something that would do that as opposed to "this" quiet seaside village will be different. Together with his mum - the only person he has left in the world - he prays to finally be able to call somewhere home. While exploring, Bryan stumbles upon an opal that looks like a lightning storm trapped inside a marble. One touch and he wakes in Farwae–a land ruled by a cruel King obsessed with a divination that predicts the arrival of the ​I would say "a"... "the" doesn't make much sense white-eyed boy who is to be his downfall.

 

Bryan escapes the King's trackers by taking refuge with a group of young forest-dwellers known as Mati, who have unusual eyes like his. Their colourful eyes grant them abilities ranging from enhanced eyesight to mind manipulation; the rarer their eye colour the more powerful their ability, and there hasn’t been a white Mati in Farwae for over a century. If the Mati can teach Bryan to unlock his powers, he may be the key to ridding Farwae of the tyrannical King who has hunted their kind to near-extinction.

 

Soon Bryan is navigating sentient forests, honing his emerging abilities with the Mati's enigmatic leader and, without meaning to, joining his new friends’ revolution. But then he learns there’s a way home––the precious opal that brought him to Farwae and then vanished. Bryan is forced to make a choice: find the opal and return home to his Mum and the new life they're building, or stay in Farwae and fight beside the only friends he’s ever known, for liberty in a land where he may finally belong.

 

EYES WHITE AS SNOW is a standalone YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I’ve had two crime novels published with Carina UK, a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention,

 

​Excellent! I really like this version, I just had a few word nitpicks :)

 

​Oh, also, I completely rewrote my query, so I would appreciate it if you would check it out. Thanks!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/






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