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Ouroboros (Fantasy/Sci-fi) -- CLOSED

Fantasy Science Fiction

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#41 Phaust

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Posted 06 November 2017 - 07:58 PM

Smallish changes. That final paragraph has been a consistent bane throughout this process, so I tried something a little different and decided to see what happened if it mostly went away. Thoughts? Nice and ominous, or too melodramatic?

 

Draft #9

-----

Dear Agent,

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and a person with the innate ability to pilot it. As captain of the ship Ouroboros, Lara explores remote worlds with her close-knit crew, scavenging lost artifacts for a living. That is until the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help to save those worlds.

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has stolen a ship, slaughtered the pilots who could give chase, and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means wiping out innocents in the process. As the only pilot still around, Lara must chase Amerlaine down and stop her. With a newly-discovered device, Amerlaine intends to open the void to the worlds, unleashing terrors and massacring populations, all for the sake of destroying the Coalition. You've already said this. Choose one. 

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk the to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking you in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

And if she doesn’t save them, no one will.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

lnloft

Pretty damn close. Sounds like a good story. I think you're pretty much ready to be rejected by many agents, and discovered by the perfect one. 

 

Can you take a look at mine



#42 Dreamland0516

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 04:07 PM

Smallish changes. That final paragraph has been a consistent bane throughout this process, so I tried something a little different and decided to see what happened if it mostly went away. Thoughts? Nice and ominous, or too melodramatic? Take my thoughts with a grain of salt. This query has had many drafts and I am late to the game, but you helped me so I am going to do my best to help you.

 

Draft #9

-----

Dear Agent,

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and a person with the innate ability to pilot it. Cool, but I don't know. I'm in a camp of thought that considers the log line and a hook to be similar if not the same. This is the mechanics of how your story will work, but not what the story is about to me. Doesn't really hook. I think you still need to work on your hook sentence. As captain of the ship Ouroboros, Lara explores remote worlds with her close-knit crew, scavenging lost artifacts for a living. That is until the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help to save those worlds. I would arrange these two sentence to be stronger and lead off with them. I suggest:

 

Lara is the proud captain of the starship Ouroboros. She and her close knit crew sail the nil-matter of the void, exploring lost worlds and scavenging lost artifacts. Lara and her crew wanted nothing more out of life, but the power-hungry Coalition had other plans. They conscript Lara and her crew to hunt down a rogue Coalition Captain named Ameriaine Silver, who has stolen a starship and murdered a number of pursuit pilots.

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has stolen a ship, slaughtered the pilots who could give chase, and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means wiping out innocents in the process. As the only pilot still around, Lara must chase (why? What has the Coalition got on her to make her leave her simple life and do this? Or what motivates her?) her down and stop her. With a newly-discovered device, Amerlaine intends to open the void to the worlds, unleashing terrors and massacring populations, all for the sake of destroying the Coalition.

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk the to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking you in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. It seems as though you are trying to answer the "why" right here. I think you can answer the why in one sentence in the second paragraph. This should be plot details leading the major decision she has to make at the cllimax. You're spending too much time on the decision of the inciting incident in my opinion. Does that make sense? Don't be afraid to give away some of the ending.

And if she doesn’t save them, no one will. (Again, still sounds like the inciting incident decision point. I am of an opinion you need to be saying something about the climax by the end of the query.)

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

lnloft



#43 NGrzesik

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 10:47 PM

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and a person with the innate ability to pilot it. As captain of the ship Ouroboros, Lara explores remote worlds with her close-knit crew, scavenging lost artifacts for a living. That is until the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help to save those worlds. 

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has stolen a ship, slaughtered the pilots who could give chase, and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means wiping out innocents in the process. As the only pilot still around, Lara must chase her down and stop her. With a newly-discovered device, Amerlaine intends to open the void to the worlds, unleashing terrors and massacring populations, all for the sake of destroying the Coalition.

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk the to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking you in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

And if she doesn’t save them, no one will.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

lnloft

Honestly, I'm struggling finding things wrong with this version. The flow is good, the stakes are there, I know who Lara is...I mean, you might be ready. Maybe someone else will come along and find things I didn't but this here is a pretty good query.


If you found my suggestions to be helpful, I'd appreciate if you took a look at my query for Ruptured Sky. Thanks. 


#44 lnloft

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Posted 08 November 2017 - 08:42 PM

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Looking pretty positive, but I also felt it just was sounding a little too generic and not quite punchy enough, so I've done a little more, because why let this process ever end?

 

Draft #10

----

Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin can pilot a ship through the void between the worlds, salvage lost artifacts from ancient ruins, and put her life on the line for her friends. Stopping an affable renegade from destroying the worlds isn’t exactly within her line of work.

Too bad that’s what she needs to do.

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. Lara’s got both. Her close-knit crew keeps their heads down in remote worlds. Then the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help saving those worlds from their own mess.

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has turned on the Coalition. She’s slaughtered the pilots who could give chase and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means massacring innocents in the process. Lara’s the only pilot left who can stop her. And if Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine will use a newly-discovered device to open the void, unleashing terrors and destroying worlds.

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

If she doesn’t save them, no one will.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

lnloft


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I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#45 RRouth

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Posted 08 November 2017 - 11:05 PM

I can literally find nothing wrong with your latest version. I think it’s perfect. Find a couple of agents and let it fly! Fingers crossed for you! :)

Take everything I say with a grain of salt. :tongue:


#46 albarchs

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Posted 09 November 2017 - 10:28 AM

Yeah at this point, I agree with what others have said. When you get 2-3 positives and then 1 critique/suggestion, I think you can send this off. I would do maybe 5-8 agents you really want/researched and then send this out with the necessary materials you need.  You'll get rejected for sure but hitting 1-2 out 8 is relatively solid. Who knows? You might get 4-5 if you catch them with your query. Good luck and a huge improvement from the first query you posted. Happy agent hunting!



#47 smoskale

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Posted 09 November 2017 - 06:46 PM

Dear Agent,


Lara Kavarin can pilot a ship through the void between the worlds, salvage lost artifacts from ancient ruins, and put her life on the line for her friends. Stopping an affable renegade from destroying the worlds isn’t exactly within her line of work. OOOOOHHH I LOOOOVE IT

Too bad that’s what she needs to do. Hmmm**..

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. Lara’s got both. Her close-knit crew keeps their heads down in remote worlds. Then the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help saving those worlds from their own mess. GOOD

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has turned on the Coalition. She’s slaughtered the pilots who could give chase, and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means massacring innocents in the process. Lara’s the only pilot left who can stop her. And if Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine will use a newly-discovered device to open the void, unleashing terrors and destroying worlds.

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

If she doesn’t save them, no one will. YESSS

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

This is pretty amazing progress! Congratulations. There is only that one sentence** that I think could be made better--if you are so inclined. Even taking it out would be better, I think. As it is, it is a space holder, and it slows down your momentum. You are so close! Please let us know when you get an agent!!



#48 Phaust

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 02:45 PM

Personally I liked the prior version opening better. But they're both good. Whadyaknow! And Dreamland is probably right. Good job! Keep us posted on the brutal slog through agenting!

 

Oh, and I've got a new attempt too. Care to look



#49 lnloft

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 11:01 AM

Thank you everyone for your feedback and support! I've gone ahead and started querying. Fingers crossed!


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#50 jaustail

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 01:05 PM

Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin can pilot a ship through the void between the worlds, salvage lost artifacts from ancient ruins, and put her life on the line for her friends. Stopping an affable renegade from destroying the worlds isn’t exactly within her line of work.

Too bad that’s what she needs to do.

Travel(maybe: Traveling... since you would say: Walking on the street requires...) between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it(the first paragraph has a list of three things. this paragraph has a list of two things. so there's too much to keep a track of. maybe cut down on stuff). Lara’s got both. Her close-knit crew keeps their heads down in remote worlds(i didnt understand this sentence). Then the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help (maybe add: in) saving those worlds from their own mess.

One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has turned on(maybe: betrayed. turned on made me think like activated by pressing a switch or something) the Coalition. She’s slaughtered the pilots who could give chase and plans(reword or put some comma... cause i read as: who could give chase and who could give plans...) to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means massacring innocents in the process. Lara’s the only pilot left who can stop her. And if Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine will use a newly-discovered device to open the void, unleashing terrors and destroying worlds.

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops(this is a great image. i'd request pages just to read the scenes on perpetual loops). Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

If she doesn’t save them, no one will.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I liked your earlier versions more. This one doesn't work for me. It felt like those comments the referee gives about the wrestlers before the fight begins. There is a lot of stage set up but nothing really happened. The wrestling didn't happen. I think it's kinda assumed that Lara will take the fight. So maybe get past that hurdle and mention some more part of the story. Like what difficult she faces once straps the seat belt and flies to attack Amerlaine.



#51 T.C. Stevenson

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 02:11 PM

 

Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin can pilot a ship through the void between the worlds, salvage lost artifacts from ancient ruins, and Everything up to this is really cool and has me wanting to know more about the world. Putting her life on the line doesn't sound right to me. Maybe because its something you DO rather than can do. Anyone can put their life on the line, but does she? put her life on the line for her friends. Stopping an affable renegade from destroying the worlds isn’t exactly within her line of work.

Too bad that’s what she needs to do. This doesn't really land for me. It sounds a little cheesy. 


Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it.  Lara’s got both. I like this. It shows the agent that there's something special about the MC.Her close-knit crew keeps their heads down in remote worlds. Then the power-hungry Coalition comes to Lara for help saving those worlds from Is she saving the coalition or the world? There's something about the way this sentence is structured that makes it confusing. their own mess.


One of their captains, Amerlaine Silver, has turned on the Coalition. She’s slaughtered the pilots who could give chase and plans to take down the Coalition by any means necessary—even if that means massacring innocents in the process. Lara’s the only pilot left who can stop her. And if Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine will use a newly-discovered device to open the void, unleashing terrors and destroying worlds. All of this sounds good to me, but I want more information about what the coalition is and what Amerlaine has against them. Would give us more of an idea what the depth of the conflict is rather than just the threat. 

In a mission like this, Lara is outmatched in experience and resources. She’s afraid of the risk to herself and her friends, but terrified of what failure would mean for everyone. As an experienced traveler of the void, she knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops.I really like how you've created a unique sense of the void, and I imagine Lara sailing on an actual ship through this dark lovecraftian ocean. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way.

If she doesn’t save them, no one will.
This is a bit cliche for your last line. 

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

Overall, I like it. Its interesting and definitely pulls me in. I'm most curious about the void and how sailing through it works, but I am not as curious about Lara or Amerlaine because you haven't told us much about them and their motivations. I feel like it could easily be a little longer, maybe another 50 words or so to flesh out the characters. 



#52 lnloft

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 10:49 AM

Well, I've decided to jump back in. I've been out querying, and gotten a bit of results, but not at the rate I was hoping for, so I'm trying something new. We'll see how it actually goes. I will always reciprocate feedback, and I'll try to do it in a timely manner, but if you feel that it's been a while, feel free to remind me. New query below. Thanks in advance.

 

Draft #11

----

Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin has visited over forty worlds, piloting the void between them with her ship, Ouroboros.

Now a rogue captain has plans to destroy those worlds, and it’s on Lara to stop her.

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. With both at her disposal, Lara can keep clear of the power-hungry Coalition, with just her ship and her close-knit crew for companions.

But the Coalition’s problems become Lara’s problems when they come begging for her help. Lara’s the only pilot available after one of their captains has rebelled, stealing a ship and slaughtering all the pilots who could give chase. Ordinarily, Lara would be inclined to steer clear, except for one key fact: in order to take down the Coalition, the rebel captain will use a newly-discovered device to open the void into the worlds.

As an experienced traveler of the void, Lara knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. She’s got to chase the captain across the void, infiltrate her base, and stop her by any means necessary, before it’s too late.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

----

Thoughts on the hook? In general as a hook, and also as having it as two lines? I am definitely in the phase right now where I cannot tell if what I've written is crap or not. Thanks again.


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I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#53 cmmg

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 11:59 AM

Well, I've decided to jump back in. I've been out querying, and gotten a bit of results, but not at the rate I was hoping for, so I'm trying something new. We'll see how it actually goes. I will always reciprocate feedback, and I'll try to do it in a timely manner, but if you feel that it's been a while, feel free to remind me. New query below. Thanks in advance.

 

Draft #11

----

Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin has visited over forty worlds, piloting the void between them with her ship, Ouroboros.

Now a rogue captain has plansis about to destroy those worlds, and it’s on Lara to stop her. (both your sentences start with good things but relatively weak construction. "has plans" "is on" really weaken the sentence in terms of dramatic appeal)

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. With both at her disposal, Lara can keep clear of the power-hungry Coalition, with just her ship and her close-knit crew for companions. (I feel like if you start here and skip the two previous sentences it would be stronger. Also, you don't mention the captain. Is that the Coalition? If you mention them again you definitely don't need the previous line. I don't think the name of the ship is integral to the story as it stands)

But the Coalition’s problems become Lara’s problems when they come begging for her help. Lara’s the only pilot available after one of their captains has rebelled, stealing a ship and slaughtering all the pilots who could give chase (this is MUCH stronger than the opening). Ordinarily, Lara would be inclined to steer clear, except for one key fact: in order to take down the Coalition, the rebel captain will use a newly-discovered device to open the void into the worlds. (I like this thought, but I think it can be more concise. I don't think at this stage the fact that he uses a device to open the void instead of use opening it makes a huge difference, but removing it tightens the sentence

As an experienced traveler of the void, Lara knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. She’s got to chase the captain across the void, infiltrate her base, and stop her by any means necessary, before it’s too late.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

----

Thoughts on the hook? In general as a hook, and also as having it as two lines? I am definitely in the phase right now where I cannot tell if what I've written is crap or not. Thanks again.

 

I think you're first two sentences are slow and don't add much. They aren't really hooky until you think about them, and then the rouge captain is dropped so it's a little confusing. Besides that I think the thing you need to work on here is just being more concise and strong in your word choice. It could be punched up with more voice. I like phrases like "but the Coalitions problems become Lara's problems" for instance, but otherwise you have some extra words that can be cut, and sentences that could be more dynamic.

 

The only other thing is the introduction of the Coaltion reads like the Coalition is an antagonist. Since her ability to pilot been worlds is seen only as good because she can avoid them.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#54 lnloft

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 03:13 PM

Thanks, cmmg. Sometimes you experiment with a new hook, and it's the most brilliant thing ever -- but more often it just goes splat.

 

Splat.

 

Let's try again. :smile:

 

Draft #12

---

Dear Agent,

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. Lara Kavarin’s got both, and they’re what will allow her to save the worlds.

With her ship and her close-knit crew, Lara ekes out a living scavenging lost artifacts. She prefers to avoid the power-hungry Coalition, despite their best attempts to recruit her.

But the Coalition’s problems become Lara’s problems when they come begging for her help. Lara’s the only pilot available after one of their captains has rebelled, stealing a ship and slaughtering all the pilots who could give chase. Ordinarily, Lara would steer clear, except for one fact: in order to take down the Coalition, the rebel captain will open the void into the worlds.

As an experienced traveler of the void, Lara knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. She’s got to chase the captain across the void, infiltrate her base, and stop her by any means necessary, before it’s too late.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

---

I like the concept I'm trying in the second sentence of the hook, but I'm not sold on how it actually sounds. Ideas on better ways to phrase it?

 

ADDENDUM: So I've been thinking. One of the things that I want to make clear is that my book is not a space opera. They never go into space, they don't have spaceships. Their guns are revolvers and rifles, not ray guns, and cars and electricity are relatively new things. The function of the ships that can go through the void are based part on technology but also a little bit of "magic" (never called by that word, but the nil-matter of the void can do some wonky things and certain people have certain innate abilities, like being able to fly the ships). I've tried a bit in a few previous drafts to include some of this stuff, but it always comes across as a little clunky and irrelevant. But what if I wrote my last sentence as something like "Set in a early 1900s-analogue, OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word..." (I'm still playing with how to actually phrase that description, so bear with me on that, but I wanted to float the concept out). What are people's thoughts? Would that be helpful, or would it just be clunky? Again, that's concept-wise, not about the current execution. Thanks.


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I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#55 cmmg

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 04:06 PM

I think you're right to be a little wary of the phrasing of the second half. Maybe you can say "universe" instead of "the worlds" or something that means sort of "a large about of people" even if you don't' mean literal universe. I worry people might "save the worldS" is the typo.

 

Some random re-arrangements that might spark something better  "Lara Kavarin's got both, a worlds-saving combination" or "...both, just what she needs to save the worlds." or "both, and the worlds needs those skills."


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#56 lnloft

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 04:16 PM

I think you're right to be a little wary of the phrasing of the second half. Maybe you can say "universe" instead of "the worlds" or something that means sort of "a large about of people" even if you don't' mean literal universe. I worry people might "save the worldS" is the typo.

 

Some random re-arrangements that might spark something better  "Lara Kavarin's got both, a worlds-saving combination" or "...both, just what she needs to save the worlds." or "both, and the worlds needs those skills."

Hmm. I'll play around with those. I think I want to steer clear of using "universe", though, because that does imply more space-themes than I'm comfortable with. The fact is my story is not a space opera, and I think it's a point in my favor that I've got this weird blend of fantasy and sci-fi for how the characters travel between the worlds, because it makes it more unique. It's been a chronic problem with my query of people thinking it too space-y (you understand that problem). But I appreciate the thoughts.


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I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#57 rhwashere

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 05:41 PM

If you’re trying to avoid sounding like a space opera, you should avoid referring to traveling between worlds. Can you call them dimensions? Realities? Either one would be a clear distinction. I definitely think you should mention if it’s set in the early 1900s. Or, if it’s not actually earth, you could mention something like “an era of a trench coats and top hats”. Or don’t address it at all. There’s so much going on already, you don’t want to unnecessarily clutter it.

As this is the first time I’ve seen your query, so I’ll offer my thoughts on it as a whole. In short, it sounds like you have a number of interesting ideas, but they could be presented in a more interesting way. As it is, the query feels a bit dry.

I would start with Laura in the first sentence, rather than introduce the concepts of world travel, nil-void, and the void. (By the way, I don’t know what any of those things are by the end of the query. You may want to limit their use if they’re too complicated to simply explain. Also, “void” immediately makes me think of space.”

Paragraph 3 took a few read-throughs for me to get. I expected it to focus more on Laura’s motivations. Because I don’t know what the void is, I don’t know why opening it into the worlds is a bad thing and why it matters to Laura.

What I think will improve this looking for little ways to give us more of a feel for Laura, her motivations and personality.

I hope this helps. I wanted to at least return the favor for your critique a while back. To ask another favor, would you mind checking out mine again? I’m trying to decide between 3 different versions.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#58 yawriter

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 06:31 PM

 

 

Draft #12

---

Dear Agent,

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. Great hook! I like this better than the last one. Lara Kavarin’s got has both, and they’re what will allow her to save the worlds.

With her ship and her close-knit crew, Lara ekes out a living by scavenging lost artifacts. something about the two words ending in "ing" right next to each other sounded awkward, so I'm hoping this fixes it. She prefers to avoid the power-hungry Coalition, despite their best attempts to recruit her.

But the Coalition’s problems become Lara’s problems when they come begging for her help. Lara’s the only pilot available after one of their captains has rebelled, stealing a ship and slaughtering all the rest of the pilots who could give chase. I like the give chase part, but by all the pilots dying...I think it's safe to assume they'd be stuck there...personal choice though. Ordinarily, Lara would steer clear, except for one fact: in order to take down the Coalition, the rebel captain will open the void into the worlds. ​Why is that ab ad thing? I still don't know much about each other worlds. Are there monsters? or battle ships? or what makes this a high stake? AHH you've explained it in the second paragraph... I feel like it needs to be in this one. Each paragraph has to have a building high stake and that one would be perfect to end this paragraph...again personal choice.

As an experienced traveler of the void, Lara knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. ​scary! It reminds me of an episode of Supernatural if you've ever watched that show before :) Despite her fear,  Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. She’s got has to chase the captain across the void, infiltrate her base, and stop her by any means necessary, before it’s too late. <--I actually love cheesy endings like this because I always do a dramatic "Dum dum dum!" in my head ... but I'm letting you know that it is not original if you're cool with that. 

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#59 MICRONESIA

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 10:08 AM

Travel between worlds requires two things: a ship that can sail the nil-matter of the void, and the innate ability to pilot it. Lara Kavarin’s got both, and they’re what will allow her to save the worlds. "Save the worlds" falls flat for me. It's vague and cliche. Go with something more specific, that carries more oomph.

 

With her ship and her close-knit crew, Lara ekes out a living scavenging lost artifacts. I assume "nil-matter" is, like, some other dimension or something. I have a hard time picturing someone finding treasures in "the ether" (which is what's in my head right now). She prefers to avoid the power-hungry Coalition, despite their best attempts to recruit her.

But the Coalition’s problems become Lara’s problems when they come begging for her help. Lara’s the only pilot available after one of their captains has rebelled, Tense feels off. stealing a ship and slaughtering all the pilots who pursued. Ordinarily, Lara would steer clear, except for one fact: in order to take down the Coalition, the rebel captain will open the void into the worlds. 

As an experienced traveler of the void, Lara knows firsthand what horrors will be freed: unkillable eldritch Most will associate this word with Lovecraftian stuff. monsters and time warps locking victims in perpetual loops. Yep, this definitely feels like a futuristic, sci-fi world. Despite her fear, Lara can’t allow the worlds to end that way. She’s got to chase the captain across the void, infiltrate her base, and stop her by any means necessary, before it’s too late. I'm still fuzzy on the specifics here. The bad girl is... opening a portal with monsters... to defeat the Coalition? I don't even know what the Coalition is, really, and therefore the motivations behind all this aren't as clear as they could be.

OUROBOROS is a 104,000-word science fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Despite the blue, I found this to be pretty clear and well-written. Tighten/elucidate a bit more and I think you'll be there.



#60 lnloft

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 11:17 AM

Thanks, everyone. I have a new idea of how to attack this, so let’s put a pause on further critiques until then. I’ll be back soon enough (and will reciprocate). Just trying to figure out how to make my world clearer, and how to have it pop a little more, because this isn’t the first time it’s been called dry.

Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project






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