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Ouroboros (Fantasy/Sci-fi) -- CLOSED

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#101 lnloft

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 08:17 PM

Guys, I think... I think I might have it.

 

Draft #19

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Dear Agent,

Lara Kavarin has always been able to travel the void between the worlds. She’s a rare person born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through that kaleidoscopic realm, where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist. And right now, she’s the only person who can.

All the others have been murdered.

When Lara returns from another tour of scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts, she plans to unload the goods and spend a few days relaxing with her close-knit crew. Instead, she’s rounded up by the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, and told that their problems are now her problems.

Apparently, one of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. She stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, unleashing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara has never held a gun before, much less battled a homicidal fanatic, and she knows the Coalition is keeping secrets. But Amerlaine needs to be stopped. And Lara has less than three days to do it.

OUROBOROS is a 105,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
lnloft


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#102 MICRONESIA

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 08:33 PM

Whomp, there it is!



#103 lnloft

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 05:31 PM

Alright, high fives all around! Now I just need to polish up my pitch and fix up that synopsis so it fits on one page.

 

Seriously, though, thanks to everyone. I'm closing this thread, hopefully for good this time.


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#104 lnloft

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Posted 04 May 2019 - 09:19 PM

Okay, okay, I said I was done, but I look at that query up there and I don't like it. And I'm not quite ready to jump back into querying as I polish up my MS a bit more, but I want it ready when the MS is ready, so let's do this. Hopefully this batch of revisions won't be too painful.

 

Draft #20

---

Dear Agent,

If Lara Kavarin was hoping for good news after her most recent foray through the void, she’s sorely disappointed. In less than three days, the worlds are going to end, at the hands of a homicidal fanatic and the nightmarish horrors she’ll unleash.

The news gets worse: Lara’s supposed to stop them.

And that’s just not in her usual wheelhouse. Not many people are born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist—but Lara’s one of them. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts with her close-knit crew.

That is, until she’s rounded up by the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, and told that their problems are now her problems.

Apparently, one of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. She stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

And if Lara does, she could lose everything she holds dear: her friends, her ship, and her conviction that she will always keep them safe.

The clock is ticking. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


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#105 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 06 May 2019 - 08:11 AM

Okay, okay, I said I was done, but I look at that query up there and I don't like it. And I'm not quite ready to jump back into querying as I polish up my MS a bit more, but I want it ready when the MS is ready, so let's do this. Hopefully this batch of revisions won't be too painful.

 

Draft #20

---

Dear Agent,

If Lara Kavarin was hoping for good news after her most recent foray through the void, she’s sorely disappointed. In less than three days, the worlds are going to end, at the hands of a homicidal fanatic and the nightmarish horrors she’ll unleash. I'll be honest this feels a bit cliched to me and not really grabbing me. It's big stuff but its sort of the typical big stuff. What makes this something I haven't seen or read before?

The news gets worse: Lara’s supposed to stop them.

And that’s just not in her usual wheelhouse. Not many people are born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist—but Lara’s one of them. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts with her close-knit crew.now this part is more interesting and better written. its more specific and unique and creative

That is, until she’s rounded up by the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, and told that their problems are now her problems. what problems? be specific

Apparently, one of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. She stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters a what?and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

And if Lara does, she could lose everything she holds dear: her friends, her ship, and her conviction that she will always keep them safe.this feels too much like the formula to me but maybe it would work for a non-writer

The clock is tickingyou use a lot of cliches wheel house, clock is ticking. And the void is waiting.good ending line

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass.i love that book! good luck Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft



#106 lnloft

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Posted 06 May 2019 - 09:26 PM

And round and round and round we go on the revision carousel. Wheeee!

 

Draft #21

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility.

But, well, she is the only one left. And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are the only things standing between civilization and the whims of a homicidal fanatic.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm. But this shouldn’t even be her fight. Lara’s one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.

Then the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, rounds her, desperate for Lara to fix their mess.

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

And if Lara does, she risks everything: her life, her crew, and her ship.

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


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#107 Gabe S.

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Posted 07 May 2019 - 08:01 AM

And round and round and round we go on the revision carousel. Wheeee!

 

Draft #21

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility.

Do you mean alternate universe; a dimension other than Lara's?

But, well, she is the only one left. And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are the only things standing between civilization and the whims of a homicidal fanatic.

How can a homicidal fanatic can bring down a civilization? Need to be more specific.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm. But this shouldn’t even be her fight. Lara’s one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.

Then the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, rounds her, desperate for Lara to fix their mess.

I don't think you need this sentence.

A ship captain, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, an authoritarian government, Silver stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops. This is very confusing to someone reading the query with fresh eyes. 

And if Lara does, she risks everything: her life, her crew, and her ship.

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins (doing whatever it is that will doom everyone--see above). And the void is waiting.

I like the ending.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

I have been on the icky-yucky-puky ride of incessant query revisions. Sometimes you just miss small things, other times you miss a hole lot more. If you haven't already. Drop everything and don't look at the query. Read other queries, good and bad, and then go on Amazon and read some book blurbs for books of all types. Then, write a completely new query and then compare this one to that one. You'll be amazed at how differently you can think of your MS in a query format.

 

Other than that, I think you got to bones, just need to add some flesh. 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...a-sci-fi/page-2


#108 London C

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Posted 08 May 2019 - 02:31 PM

And round and round and round we go on the revision carousel. Wheeee!

 

Draft #21

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility. Good hook

But, well,  she is the only one left. And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are the only things standing between civilization and the whims of a homicidal fanatic.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm. But this shouldn’t even be her fight. Lara’s one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts. This doesn't explain why it shouldn't be Lara's fight. It sounds exactly  like it should be her fight—she's a rare person who can do this.

Then the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, rounds her, desperate for Lara to fix their mess. 

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase. If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops. if you kill the line about it shouldn't be her fight, these three  paragraphs work very well for me: sets up that she's a keep out of the world's problems person, then why she won't be allowed to avoid the fight. 

And if Lara does, she risks everything: her life, her crew, and her ship.  I think you could probably kill this. For me, it makes the stakes less compelling. Yeah, this is what's at stake for her, but you've just established that her personal stakes are minor in comparison.  

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

I'm a little torn on this. I think it's quite a good query—there's a compelling plot and world—but it puts the focus on Lara as a  reluctant hero, instead of the need to stop Cpt. Silver and the eldritch monsters, time loops, etc. The threat  posed by Silver is so great it makes the reluctant hero angle a bit petty—yeah, she has to risk stuff she loves,  but its not like everybody  else isn't facing the same thing.

 

If the Coalition is an authoritarian regime, is Lara's reluctance tied  to not wanting to help a government she loathes? That makes her personal stakes larger and more compelling than she'd rather not put things she loves at risk to save the masses. Is she perhaps sympathetic to Cpt. Silver's rebellion?

 

It's also missing an explanation as to why Cpt. Silver revenge is so extreme. It's like if a general in the US, Russia, or China decided to launch all of their country's nukes—it's such a horrific action, you wouldn't  think even a modern super villain like ISIL would do it. What motivates her to do murder innocent (?) people and unleash such a terror on everyone?


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#109 alibi174

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Posted 08 May 2019 - 04:17 PM

And round and round and round we go on the revision carousel. Wheeee!

 

Draft #21

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility. 

But, well,  she is the only one left.[I'm wondering if you even need this sentence. From your hook, it's clear to me that Lara is the only one left.] And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are the only things standing all that stand between civilization and the whims of a homicidal fanatic.[you have a vague mention of a homicidal fanatic, and I need to know more. I thought you would go right on to explain in your next paragraph, but this seems to be it for the fanatic. Consider giving him/her something that tells us what his motivations are or how he's threatening civilization (or what Lara can even do about it)]

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm. But this shouldn’t even be her fight. Lara’s one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist. And most days she uses that skill to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts. This doesn't explain why it shouldn't be Lara's fight. It sounds exactly  like it should be her fight—she's a rare person who can do this.[I agree with this comment. I also think this paragraph jumps around. You note that she's brave enough to protect her friends, she has this rare pilot ability (which seems to reference the content of paragraph #1, to her previous occupation of scavenging.]

Then the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body, rounds[?] her, desperate for Lara to fix their mess. [How is this mess connected to the homicidal maniac? And why aren't they doing anything? Also, unless I missed it, you don't mention how this is their mess in the first place (I thought it was the homicidal fanatic?)]

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them—leaving Lara as the only person who can give chase.[I thought from your first paragraph that Lara was already the only one who could give chase?] If Lara doesn’t, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.[I really like the concept of this sentence and the direction it's heading, but I think you're introducing too much in too short a space, especially after you've already introduced the Coalition and Amerlaine in this paragraph]

And if Lara does give chase, she risks everything: her life, her crew, and her ship.  I think you could probably kill this. For me, it makes the stakes less compelling. Yeah, this is what's at stake for her, but you've just established that her personal stakes are minor in comparison. [I agree. I think if you tighten up that sentence from the previous paragraph, it will cover the stakes] 

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.[good]

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query.


#110 lnloft

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Posted 11 May 2019 - 08:50 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I've struggled a lot with Amerlaine's motivation in the query, because I don't want her to come across as just doing it for the evilz, but the characters don't fully know why she's doing it until halfway through the book, and I don't think I can properly explain it within the context of the query. I'm not 100% sold on what I have here, but I think some more fresh eyes will be good.

 

Draft #22

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility.

But she is the only one left. And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and the whims of a renegade captain bent on total societal reset.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm. But this fight should belong to the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. Lara’s long resisted their enlistment efforts, but as one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist—she’s high on their list of desired recruits. Lara would prefer to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts, rather than further their unification goals.

But now one of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


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#111 jjohnson

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Posted 12 May 2019 - 11:07 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I've struggled a lot with Amerlaine's motivation in the query, because I don't want her to come across as just doing it for the evilz, but the characters don't fully know why she's doing it until halfway through the book, and I don't think I can properly explain it within the context of the query. I'm not 100% sold on what I have here, but I think some more fresh eyes will be good.

 

Draft #22

---

Dear Agent,

If there were other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility.

But she is the only one left. And Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and the whims of a renegade captain bent on total societal reset.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. She’d die before letting her friends come to harm (Are her friends specifically in danger?). But this fight should belong to the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. Lara’s long resisted their enlistment efforts, but as one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist—she’s high on their list of desired recruits. Lara would prefer to earn a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts, rather than further their unification goals.

But now one of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. Does this happen before or during the story because aren't the void pilots already dead according to the first sentence? If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters (I don't know if it's just me but the previous mentions of the void evokes a certain barreness of living creatures) and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

I find the premise to be very interesting and would want to read the story. 


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#112 CarterT

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Posted 13 May 2019 - 02:52 PM

Okay, I had a quote with some line by line edits, but something about that felt like I was nitpicking things that didn't need it. So, I'm going to try a different approach while only nitpicking the first line!

 

 

 

If there were and other pilots still alive to navigate a ship through the void between the worlds, then saving said worlds the universe wouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility.

 

Just feel like you lose something with 'said worlds' in there. 

 

The rest is general feelings. The meat of your query is history about the character. The 'who she is', and the 'what makes her different' (the long paragraph, is it 2 or 3?), but it's in an odd place. It comes after 2 hooks, and before a third and fourth. So, basically, I don't get caught up in the momentum of what's going on, because this paragraph is a pause. It's all very important information, so I think you need to move it before the 'But she's the only one left' line. 

 

Leave your first major hook, then drop back to give us some background, then get the story moving and don't stop. With where you have the 'history' now, it messes with your flow. 

 

Also, random thought, because I'm not sold on the bit about the Coalition (see changes below). 

 

 

 

It’s not that Lara’s afraid of a little Danger, she is, after all, one of the rare people born with the innate ability to pilot a ship through the void between the worlds—a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist—but this fight should belong to the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body.

 

Then you can leave out the part about them trying to enlist her (I think it's likely important for the book, but not so much for the query), and you still have the important parts about the her ability and the void. And, I felt like you needed to say the Void was dangerous before getting to the monsters and timeloops.



#113 lnloft

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Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:00 PM

Thanks for the thoughts, guys. One thing that has become quite clear from the feedback is that my hook is setting people a bit off on the wrong foot. The reason there are no other pilots is because Amerlaine killed them. But apparently it's coming off a bit more as there are no other pilots and then Amerlaine killed them. And biased though I am toward my own story, even I can see the flaws with that line of thought. :tongue: So that'll take some tweaking.

 

I might play around with some of your suggestions, CarterT, at least in structuring. I'm hesitant to use the word "universe", because to me at least that invokes too much of a space vibe, and that's something I've previously struggled to get people away from, but I'll see if there's some other work around there.

 

Put more critiques on hold as I go whip up another draft.


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#114 lnloft

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Posted 16 May 2019 - 08:22 PM

And we're back.

 

Draft #23

---

Dear Agent,

It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot a ship through the void between them.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.

And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But just now it’s help them or watch millions die.

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and Amerlaine’s total societal reset.

Lara’s got three days. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


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#115 lauraharris

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Posted 21 May 2019 - 10:07 PM

And we're back.

 

Draft #23

---

Dear Agent,

It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot a ship through the void between them.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts. Oooooh I am totally drawn into the setting! Not sure if this is what you're going for, but immediately makes me think Firefly.

And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But just now it’s help them, or watch millions die. This is a great setup - but could be a more wrenching choice if you expand on "authoritarian governing body". Does she have personal investment in not getting involved, is it general distaste, or do they do terrible things? 

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. Lol, this is excellent for putting her in a situation she can't turn away from. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and Amerlaine’s total societal reset.

Lara’s got three days. Why only 3 days? This doesn't necessarily need explaining here, but a specific reason for the deadline might make it stronger. What exactly is she planning to do in those 3 days to stop this happening? Locate & capture Amerlaine? And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

This is great! I was surprised to read it was science fantasy rather than straight-up sci-fi, as I didn't get a fantasy vibe at all - might be something you want to make some tweaks on? Or perhaps just move that line to the start, as it would probably make me consider 'immortal monsters' and 'kaleidoscopic realm' in a different light. I also wonder about Amerlaine's motivation (aren't immortal monsters a bad thing for her too?) but it doesn't necessarily need including in the pitch. And is she not after Lara as well if she killed the other pilots? If yes, might be worth including as extra motivation / conflict. 



#116 Anna.k

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Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:13 PM

And we're back.

 

Draft #23

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Dear Agent,

It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot a ship through the void between them.Hmm, I feel like this is more of a follow up  to your hook. I think you could use a short, strong hook before this.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.Love this--it sets up her world nicely without getting too clunky.

And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But just now it’s help them or watch millions die. Nice, you've set the stakes, short and sweet.

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims (Hmm, how about, innocent victims, or, the population? If it's millions that are going to get affected, it should be more widespread ) in perpetual loops.

Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and Amerlaine’s total societal reset.

Lara’s got three days. And the void is waiting. Nice dramatic closer, but would like to see a teensy bit more of her plan, how she's going to pull this off, and how difficult it's going to be...

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s WindlassWouldn't hurt to have 2 comp titles. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft

 

Hi Inloft, Ooo this is really, really good actually, you're 98% there :)) Your voice really comes through. Can't wait to see where this is going to end up :))



#117 lnloft

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Posted 22 May 2019 - 05:34 PM

Thanks for the positive review!

I was surprised to read it was science fantasy rather than straight-up sci-fi, as I didn't get a fantasy vibe at all - might be something you want to make some tweaks on? Or perhaps just move that line to the start, as it would probably make me consider 'immortal monsters' and 'kaleidoscopic realm' in a different light.

^This has been one of my struggles throughout the whole query writing. It really is a mixed story, where a lot of the vibes are sci-fi, but technology (aside from their void-faring ships) is more akin to early 20th century, and the reason Lara can pilot the ship is more of this almost "magical" ability. I wonder if it would help if I changed it to, "the ability to pilot an airship through the void between [the worlds]". It's not technically an airship, but for purposes of the story it's close enough, and it might help offer some steam-punk vibes (which my story is not steam punk, but it still has some of the feel). Thoughts?


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#118 lauraharris

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Posted 23 May 2019 - 06:18 PM

I wonder if it would help if I changed it to, "the ability to pilot an airship through the void between [the worlds]". It's not technically an airship, but for purposes of the story it's close enough, and it might help offer some steam-punk vibes (which my story is not steam punk, but it still has some of the feel). Thoughts?

 

Yeah, I think that'd help! I was definitely picturing spaceships. 



#119 lnloft

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Posted 23 May 2019 - 09:17 PM

We'll call this one #23b as I ponder any slightly larger changes. Thanks for the feedback. I can taste how close I am!

 

Draft #23b

---

Dear Agent,

It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot an airship through the void between them.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.

And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But just now it’s help them or watch millions die.

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock victims in perpetual loops.

Lara and her beloved ship Ouroboros are all that stand between civilization and Amerlaine’s total societal reset.

Lara’s got three days before Amerlaine begins. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 99,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

 

lnloft


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#120 lnloft

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Posted 25 May 2019 - 07:50 PM

Thank you everyone for the feedback. Officially moving on to the next draft...

 

Draft #24

---

Dear Agent,

It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot an airship through the void between them.

It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.

And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But politics be damned right now, because it’s help them or watch millions die.

One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to use a device to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock innocent victims in perpetual loops.

Lara’s got three days to chase down Amerlaine, steal the device, and save the worlds. And the void is waiting.

OUROBOROS is a 100,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

lnloft


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