First of all, thank you for your feedback. Second, I've seen your efforts on behalf of other people who can't sign up. It's very kind of you to help them out. Thank you.
As you know, I'm just starting with querying, but I'll offer whatever feedback I can. I really hope it will help you.
It shouldn’t be Lara Kavarin’s responsibility to save the worlds, just because she’s one of the rare people with the ability to pilot an airship through the void between them. I think this first sentence can be tighter, something like: Just because Lara Kavarin is one of the few able to steer an airship through the void, it shouldn't be her responsibility to save the worlds. I think you can make it tighter than this. This is just an example. :))) I'm probably not following my own advice, but you know how it is.
It’s not that Lara’s afraid to stick her neck out. It’s part of her job to cross the void, a kaleidoscopic it's probably just me, but the word 'kaleidoscopic' doesn't work here. It forces me to think of something very particular instead of letting my imagination run wild, thinking of a realm where time and space mean nothing realm where time is inconsistent and physical distance doesn’t exist, and she’d die before letting her friends come to harm in there. But usually that job means a quiet living with her close-knit crew, scavenging back-worlds for lost artifacts.
And Lara sure as hell doesn’t want to get involved with the Coalition, the worlds’ authoritarian governing body. But politics be damned right now, because it’s help them or watch millions die.
One of the Coalition’s captains, Amerlaine Silver Awesome name, has gone rogue. In a vendetta against the Coalition, she stole a ship and slaughtered the other void pilots—all of them. If Lara doesn’t stop her, Amerlaine is going to use a device to open the void to the worlds, loosing immortal, eldritch monsters and time-warps that lock innocent victims in perpetual loops. Why is Amerlaine doing this? I mean, if she succeeds everyone is kind of doomed, right? Including her. And if she has a deathwish, then does that mean her crew has a deathwish as well? I think a bit more details regarding her motivation will help. As it is, I'm just thinking 'Why would she do this to herself? Why would the crew do this? What do they gain?' I'm sure there's a reason, but it's not apparent from the query.
Lara’s got three days to chase down Amerlaine, steal the device I don't think mentioning the device is necessary, unless there's more to it. At the moment it just seems like a plot device, and save the worlds. And the void is waiting. Hell yeah.
OUROBOROS is a 100,000-word science fantasy that will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher’s The Aeronaut’s Windlass. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I like the idea of the story. It's definitely a book I'd be interested in. Aside from the issue I have with Amerlaine's motivation, the other comments are really just cosmetic. I think you've got a winner once you solve that.
Keep up the awesome work!