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2200 - First 250 Words

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#1 Desert_Peach

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Posted 24 October 2017 - 01:50 PM

This is my first novel that is currently in the editing stage. These are the first 250 words of the 64k story so I apologize in advance for the abrupt ending. Please let me know what you think! Thanks.

 

Darkness. I couldn’t see a thing. At first, I wasn’t even sure my eyes were open. I blinked. I blinked again. Still nothing.

Nothing….

At some point, I must have drifted back into some form of unconsciousness. The inky tendrils of nothingness stretched out to me, once again pulling me into its numbing embrace.

Voices….

They sounded so far away.

And then nothing….

Suddenly, I became aware of an incessant beeping coming from my left. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. It was becoming more rapid. Faster and faster. Seemingly louder and louder.

Ugh, somebody turn it off!

I opened my eyes. Bad idea…bad idea.

The lights, harsh and blinding, flooded my vision until it was all I could see. I closed my eyes hoping to retreat back to the darkness like some form of deep sea creature scurrying back to the void. But I couldn’t return.

I began blinking rapidly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Beep. Beep. Beep. Why is nobody turning off that sound?

I tried to lift my arm to fumble around until I found the source of the noise. I had every intention of throwing it across the room until it smashed against the—

What the--?

I tugged again. And again. My arm wouldn’t move. I struggled and pulled as hard as I could, but I still couldn’t break free of whatever was pinning me down.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Wait. What was that?

Over the sound of the beeping, there were … footsteps?



#2 Springfield

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Posted 24 October 2017 - 04:05 PM

This is my first novel that is currently in the editing stage. These are the first 250 words of the 64k story so I apologize in advance for the abrupt ending. Please let me know what you think! Thanks.

 

Darkness. I couldn’t see a thing. At first, I wasn’t even sure my eyes were open. I blinked. I blinked again. Still nothing.

Nothing….

At some point, I must have drifted back into some form of unconsciousness. The inky tendrils of nothingness stretched out to me, once again pulling me into its numbing embrace.

Voices….

They sounded so far away.

And then nothing….

Suddenly, I became aware of an incessant beeping coming from my left. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. It was becoming more rapid. Faster and faster. Seemingly louder and louder.

Ugh, somebody turn it off!

I opened my eyes. Bad idea…bad idea.

The lights, harsh and blinding, flooded my vision until it was all I could see. I closed my eyes hoping to retreat back to the darkness like some form of deep sea creature scurrying back to the void. But I couldn’t return.

I began blinking rapidly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Beep. Beep. Beep. Why is nobody turning off that sound?

I tried to lift my arm to fumble around until I found the source of the noise. I had every intention of throwing it across the room until it smashed against the—

What the--?

I tugged again. And again. My arm wouldn’t move. I struggled and pulled as hard as I could, but I still couldn’t break free of whatever was pinning me down.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Wait. What was that?

Over the sound of the beeping, there were … footsteps?

 

Hi, this is kind of super overwritten, imo. In 250 words, about a page, nothing happens, nothing is revealed, and it's just kind of repetitive and intentionally coy, which is... irksome. You need to hook a reader up front, or no one gets to the second page. 

 

Also, personally, I'd put this back on the shelf halfway through for the fragments. It's maddening. It's also a waking-up opening, which you really don't want to do.



#3 Constantine Singer

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Posted 25 October 2017 - 12:00 PM

OK, here's what I know after reading this:

 

1.  There is a person who was unconscious

2.  There's beeping.

3.  He's paralyzed or tied down.

4. There may be footsteps.

 

What I don't yet know is:

 

1.  Why should any of this matter to me?  

 

I don't say this to be glib, but to make a point about openings:  Yes, they need to be attention-grabbing, but what that means is not that the reader needs to be thrust into a mystery or a situation which screams danger.   What it means is that the reader needs to find something to which they can connect.  As we are human beings, the best and easiest way to do this is to give us a well-drawn human being to whom we can relate in the first 500 words.  

 

There's another submission in this forum today which does that beautifully.  Granted, it's a very different story than you probably want to tell (though I honestly don't know what this story is going to be.  I have no idea who the main character is, what his/her/it's world is, or why anything that's happening is happening), but it's a masterclass in manufacturing relatability while hinting at central conflict and sucking the reader in.  Check it out:  http://agentquerycon...ost-5/?p=346118

 

 

 

This is my first novel that is currently in the editing stage. These are the first 250 words of the 64k story so I apologize in advance for the abrupt ending. Please let me know what you think! Thanks.

 

Darkness. I couldn’t see a thing. At first, I wasn’t even sure my eyes were open. I blinked. I blinked again. Still nothing.

Nothing….

At some point, I must have drifted back into some form of unconsciousness. The inky tendrils of nothingness stretched out to me, once again pulling me into its numbing embrace.

Voices….

They sounded so far away.

And then nothing….

Suddenly, I became aware of an incessant beeping coming from my left. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. It was becoming more rapid. Faster and faster. Seemingly louder and louder.

Ugh, somebody turn it off!

I opened my eyes. Bad idea…bad idea.

The lights, harsh and blinding, flooded my vision until it was all I could see. I closed my eyes hoping to retreat back to the darkness like some form of deep sea creature scurrying back to the void. But I couldn’t return.

I began blinking rapidly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Beep. Beep. Beep. Why is nobody turning off that sound?

I tried to lift my arm to fumble around until I found the source of the noise. I had every intention of throwing it across the room until it smashed against the—

What the--?

I tugged again. And again. My arm wouldn’t move. I struggled and pulled as hard as I could, but I still couldn’t break free of whatever was pinning me down.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Wait. What was that?

Over the sound of the beeping, there were … footsteps?


Look for STRANGE DAYS, my debut novel from Putnam/Penguin Teen in bookstores everywhere, December, 2018!






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