Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

My New Novel

#war

  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 Aigerim Meghan

Aigerim Meghan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 2 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:I have written numerous stories, but they're unpublished.

Posted 25 October 2017 - 12:55 PM

The moulder scent of old factories and decaying houses lingered in the streets of a poverty-ridden city. Once hailed as the one of the greatest countries laid in poverty due to a savage dictator that rose in power a few years ago. The poverty caused a sickening sight to behold, beggars and emancipated people laid everywhere and thievery was common in these days. Corpses of the old and young laid rotting on the side of road, yet no one could do anything. Mothers were unable to provide nourishment for their children and fathers could not protect their family. No one could rebel against the dictator and months of famine weakened their souls and their bodies.



#2 michaelblaine

michaelblaine

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 40 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 25 October 2017 - 07:45 PM

The molder scent of old factories and decaying houses lingered in the streets of a poverty-ridden city. Once hailed as the one of the greatest countries (where?) laid in poverty due to a savage dictator that rose in power a few years ago before. The poverty caused a sickening sight to behold; beggars and emancipated people the emaciated laid everywhere and thievery was common in these days. Corpses of the old and young laid rotting on the side of road, yet no one could do anything. Mothers were unable to provide nourishment for their children and fathers could not protect their family. No one None could rebel against the dictator, and months of famine weakened their souls and their bodies (perhaps 'weakened their bodies and souls' would work better here).

 

I think it's an interesting start -- it intrigues me, for sure.  Just a couple of questions:

 

1. What is the genre of your novel?

2. Does this take place in the past, present, or future?  Or perhaps in a completely distinct world outside of our timeline?

 

I've also made a couple of suggested changes, but they're just that -- suggestions.



#3 BadgerFox

BadgerFox

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 151 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 26 October 2017 - 06:52 AM

The moulder['moulder' is not an adjective. 'Mouldering' or 'mouldy' might be better here] scent of old factories and decaying houses lingered in the streets of a poverty-ridden city. Once hailed as the one of the greatest countries [here would be a good opportunity to mention where this scene is happening] laid in poverty due to a savage dictator that rose in power a few years ago. The poverty caused a sickening sight to behold, beggars and emancipated [do you mean 'emaciated'? Important to use the right word or you might accidentally make the reader laugh in  a serious story!] people laid everywhere and thievery was common in these days. Corpses of the old and young laid rotting on the side of road, yet no one could do anything. Mothers were unable to provide nourishment for their children and fathers could not protect their family. No one could rebel against the dictator and months of famine weakened their souls and their bodies.

 

I think it's an interesting scene to begin on. The language maybe needs some polishing so it 'flows' better, and there are a few vocabulary difficulties. It's also less comon to start with a broad overview of a scene, but no immediate protagonist character or first-person view of events - but that is fine, it's not wrong to begin with a wide third-person overview :) It can be harder for the reader to identify with the story, but it could be ok. This is a pretty attention-grabbing scene, after all.

 

It would be good to know when in history, and where in the world this is happening (or is it happening today, in a famine-stricken modern country?Or in a fantasy world?), and also who this is happening to.

 

Link to my 250-word novel opening in my signature, if you’re willing to take a quick look – trying to get some feedback to sharpen it up! 


Spare a little feedback, if you have a moment? :)

My AU historical novel query: here. Thank you!





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users