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THE REAPING (YA fantasy)


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#21 pinkatailmon

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Posted 15 November 2017 - 08:21 PM

I have two versions of the second part this time. Thank you for all the critiques! Let me know what's missing, if it should be rearranged, etc. Thank you! So I have my hook/first paragraph, and then I have two versions of the second part of the query, and then I have my closing paragraph. Thanks!

 

Revision #8:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can do better than the Angels in their search to find Caleb. She knows putting her own life in danger is a risk as she pursues him. But the threat of death won’t diminish her determination to find him.

 

Version One of second part (two paragraphs):

 

Madeleine’s plan is to find the church the Angels have already searched. His scent has led them there, but then it stops. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She thinks he’s been kidnapped by venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or that he might be dead already. The Plague are known for their killing nature. 

 

​(I think maybe this should be at the beginning, the first half of this paragraph, let me know) Madeleine is anxious and restless - sitting through class, working her way through fight training, staying inside the bounds of the Angels’ rules. She is pushing the boundaries even as she is forced to stay in. And she is trying not to get sidetracked by her own life. Because if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead in his search that she has been looking for. As long as she stays alive long enough to find him.

 

Version Two of second part (one paragraph and different from the two paragraph version): (I prefer this version. The first has unnecessary information that seems self-evident)

 

Madeleine’s plan is to find the church the Angels have already searched. His scent has led them there, but then it stops. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She thinks he’s been kidnapped by venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or that he might be dead already. The Plague are known for their killing nature. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead in his search that she has been looking for, as long as she stays alive long enough to find him.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. It would appeal to fans of Vampire Academy and The Mortal Instruments. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This query is much, much better. Also mention why you suggested those comp titles (Ex. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the romantic stakes of Vampire Academy, etc) Good luck!

 

If you have time, can you also check out mine: http://agentquerycon...ars-ya-fantasy/



#22 HeatherBlue

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Posted 19 November 2017 - 01:29 PM

I think I'm just polishing at this point so I would really love to hear what you guys think, if there's anything missing, if there's anything that's too much. I would really like to know how the wording sounds, if anything is too short or too long or doesn't flow. Thank you guys so much! I appreciate all the help!

 

Revision #9:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can do better than the Angels in their search to find Caleb. She knows putting her own life in danger is a risk as she pursues him. But the threat of death is not something that can stop her. (OR But the threat of death won’t diminish her determination to find him.)

 

Madeleine’s plan is to find the church the Angels have already searched. His scent has led them there, but then it stops. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She thinks he’s been kidnapped by venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or that he might be dead already. The Plague are known for their killing nature. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead in his search that she has been looking for. As long as she stays alive long enough to find him.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#23 HeatherBlue

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Posted 03 December 2017 - 08:51 PM

Tiny bit more polished than the last one. Anyone have any feedback? Thanks everyone. (I was on vacation for a couple weeks recently, but still haven't received any critiques, maybe I don't need anymore though?)

 

Even if you just tell me it's awesome, that's fine. Thanks!

 

 

Revision #10:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can do better than the Angels in their search to find Caleb. She knows putting her own life in danger is a risk as she pursues him. But the threat of death won’t diminish her determination to find him.

 

Madeleine’s plan is to find the church the Angels have already searched - his scent has led them there, but then it stops. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She thinks he’s been kidnapped by venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or that he might be dead already. The Plague are known for their killing nature. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead in his search that she has been looking for. As long as she stays alive long enough to find him.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#24 TClark

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Posted 04 December 2017 - 10:45 PM

Tiny bit more polished than the last one. Anyone have any feedback? Thanks everyone. (I was on vacation for a couple weeks recently, but still haven't received any critiques, maybe I don't need anymore though?)

 

Even if you just tell me it's awesome, that's fine. Thanks!

 

 

Revision #10:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can do better than the Angels in their search to find Calebshe can locate Caleb better than full-blood Angels. (take my revision with a grain of salt. Your orginal wording is just clunky) She knows putting her own life in danger is a risk as she pursues him. But the threat of death won’t diminish her determination to find him. I feel as if this sentence just reiterates what you stated in the past sentence. 

 

Madeleine’s searches a church already visited by the angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to the Nephilim (who?). Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, already dead. The Plague are known for their killing nature. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb, -if she can stay alive long enough. 

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I wouldn't say its ready just yet, although you are in the home stretch! Your query contains all the necessary parts, however, your sentences are rather clunky and redundant in places. Address the "who" question as well, elaborate on the Nephilim or drop them from the letter. Best of luck!! 



#25 HeatherBlue

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Posted 05 December 2017 - 09:05 PM

Thank you so much for that last critique! I really needed that. And thank you of course to everyone else that has critiqued my work - I really needed those too. I appreciate all the help and I hope I can send this thing off soon! Tell me what you think!

 

 

Revision #11:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - it is the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to her kind. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#26 TClark

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Posted 05 December 2017 - 09:56 PM

Thank you so much for that last critique! I really needed that. And thank you of course to everyone else that has critiqued my work - I really needed those too. I appreciate all the help and I hope I can send this thing off soon! Tell me what you think!

 

 

Revision #11:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - it is the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to her kind. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So obviously this is just my opinion but I think your letter is ready. I crossed out two unnecessary words but otherwise I love it. 



#27 BadgerFox

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Posted 06 December 2017 - 04:43 AM

 

 

Revision #11:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - it is the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague - an enemy to her kind. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough. [From one fellow hyphen fan to another, there are three hyphens in this paragraph, which is sadly probably too many. Consider changing up the punctuation in one or two instanes or it might lose its impact. And I'm sorry to have to point this out because I LOVE sticking hyphens in things, myself...!]

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think this should be ready to go soon :). It's not my number-1 genre so I don't know how different this is from other supernatural YA offerings (vampires, angels, demons and spirits seem to be big news in that area at the moment), which is one of the only reasons I can think of why you might not get contacted back on this otherwise exellent query. The only other reason is that the word-count runs a little long, though I think it's going to be ok. Change up the hyphens a little bit (sadly, I am told by my critique partner I am not allowed to sprinkle them all over everything like cheap sugar and must limit the number per paragraph), and this will look very sharp indeed. Good job on the punchy short sentences and pared-down language. It gets to the heart of the story and gets across that single-minded urgency of needing to find a missing person.

 

Still looking for final feedback on my 250-word chapter openings, if anyone has a spare moment to offer brief critique :) . I want to ensure my first few chapters open really smoothly, to make a good impression: http://agentquerycon...native-history/


Spare a little feedback, if you have a moment? :)

My AU historical novel query: here. Thank you!


#28 HeatherBlue

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Posted 06 December 2017 - 12:38 PM

All I did in this one was delete one hyphen from the second paragraph and change it to a separate sentence so that the only hyphens are the one at the beginning and one at the end of that paragraph. Thanks for all the critiques! I will be sending this off soon!

 

Revision #12:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#29 galaxyspinner

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Posted 06 December 2017 - 04:46 PM

Caleb is missing.

 

Madeleine can’t let him go. Not like the others have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can. (Your hook really should have more information in it; we don't know who Caleb is to Madeleine, we don't know who the "others" are, we don't know why angels are less well-equipped to track Caleb, and we don't know when or where this story takes place. Remember, a lot of agents may not read beyond this point if you're not capturing their attention right away)

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels (the fact that this church was already discovered by the angels seems out of place; how is this consequential?) - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough. (By the end, you still have the problem that you've conveyed very little information; the Plague is a very vague concept, as is their home, the church, and the imperative that she needs to keep herself alive. My only takeaway is "Half-angel goes to a church to try to find somebody who might have been stolen by an enemy". There is surely more to your story, something that will stand out as making it unique among thousands of other stories; you need to figure out what this is and bring it out in your query.)

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#30 HeatherBlue

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Posted 07 December 2017 - 08:55 PM

So I had two people love my last drafts, and one person saying not enough information. And I understand both so I added some info about the Plague because I feel like that adds to the uniqueness of my novel, but I want to make sure the description is concise enough and flows well enough in the paragraph. I am going to write some notes of what I am unsure of down below. I also want to make sure I don't put too much information though. No information dump, but I can't be too vague either. I also just honestly don't feel like the time period and location are important enough to the story to include. I understand adding it sometimes, historical novels, if the setting is relevant somehow. In mine, it's just not, so I felt like it would be too much. Also, I thought it was clear that Madeleine is better equipped to find him just because she wants to more than the others do, but let me know if I need to elaborate about her desire versus the Angels, because I would need to be very concise if I do so. Thanks for all the help!

 

 

Revision #13:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

As one of Madeleine’s best friends (I added this so the relationship is more clear, but I just want to make sure it's not too much), she can’t let him go. Not like the Angels have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl knows she can locate Caleb better than the Angels can.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine (I feel like this is enough here to understand that they didn't find anything, but she's going to search anywhere she can. She's not going to trust the Angels search of the church, but let me know if I should add that as well). She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind, the two sides fighting to the death in the quiet darkness of abandoned buildings. They are soulless, reanimated humans that have died from the bubonic plague ​(So I added two things about the Plague here. Should I maybe delete the fighting part and only talk about what they are? I just need to make sure this part fits into the paragraph without me sounding like I'm going off talking about something else. This is the more unique part of my book, I just need to (again) concisely fit it into this paragraph). Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb is somehow being held in the home of the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can keep herself alive long enough.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#31 HeatherBlue

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 12:33 AM

I rewrote my query already without any critiques on the last one, but you can still look at the last one if you'd like because there are some things that are different. I rewrote it based on my own concerns and what I felt like it needed at this point. Still hoping to send this off soon. Thanks everyone!

 

 

Revision #14:

 

Caleb is missing.

 

As one of Madeleine’s best friends, she can’t let him go. Not like the Angels have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl is prepared to take down anyone to find him.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind, soulless, reanimated humans that have died from the bubonic plague. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb has somehow been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can stay alive long enough.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#32 Sataris

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 01:09 AM

I rewrote my query already without any critiques on the last one, but you can still look at the last one if you'd like because there are some things that are different. I rewrote it based on my own concerns and what I felt like it needed at this point. Still hoping to send this off soon. Thanks everyone!

 

 

Revision #14:

 

Caleb is missing. I don't think this is punchy enough to be on it's own line

 

As one of Madeleine’s best friends, she can’t let him go. Not like the Angels have I'm not really clear on what it means for the angels to have let him go, whether he's running from them, or if they just don't care that he's missing. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl is prepared to take down anyone to find him.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine I think the reference here is a little confused- it reads like the fact that the angels don't know how his scent has disappeared is what isn't enough to stop her, when it's really just that his scent has disappeared. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind, soulless, reanimated humans that have died from the bubonic plague. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead.why is she jumping to this conclusion? But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb has somehow been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can stay alive long enough. is something actively hunting her during her trip to the church? We lose a little tension here because the first line already tells us that she's searching the church, so we probably assume she's going to live through it

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with youI would 100% cut this unless you've researched an agent/agency and know for a fact that they're going to be receptive to language like this Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

It sounds like you've got a really cool story here, but it isn't coming through the query quite yet - we get a lot of info on the world and the various beings that inhabit it, but very little on Madeleine and even less on Caleb, who according to your last paragraph is likely a POV character. 

 

What exactly is Madeleine's motivation for saving Caleb? Right now he's just one of her best friends- but if you're playing up the romantic angle, he's more than that to her, right? What makes him special to her? The entire story seems to rest on the fact that she can't live without him, so it seems like their relationship needs to be played up a little bit.

 

What does Caleb want? I get the feeling that you're holding back some plot on purpose (which can of course be a good thing) but if he's getting close to equal time with Madeleine as a main character, we probably need a little bit of information on him.

 

Hope that was helpful! Best of luck.


No current query.


#33 ThatDan

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 04:19 PM

I'm liking the story, but here's my main gripe: it seems all you have so far it's an intro. We're told Caleb is missing. Maddy suspects the plague is responsible. Maddy is gonna go on an epic quest to save him, and then.... Thats the end of the query. I doubt that the entire story revolves around Maddy in the church looking for clues. So what I'd personally like/want from the query is the next stages. Does she track him down? Is he working with the enemy? Are the angels hiding something? Is there a climactic battle with the plague? I know there's more to the story, but it's not showing on the query.

I rewrote my query already without any critiques on the last one, but you can still look at the last one if you'd like because there are some things that are different. I rewrote it based on my own concerns and what I felt like it needed at this point. Still hoping to send this off soon. Thanks everyone!

 

 

Revision #14:

 

Caleb is missing.<more lunch please :p eg, Caleb is missing, and even the angels cannot find him. Also, we focus on Maddy, so maybe not start with Caleb. Eg, Madeline's best friend is missing...

 

As one of Madeleine’s best friends, she can’t let him go. <took me multiple times to read this right. suggest simplifying, eg, Madeline can't let her best friend go, Not like the Angels have. With mixed Angel-human blood, this eighteen-year-old girl is prepared to take down anyone to find him.

 

Madeleine searches a church already discovered by the Angels - the last location of his scent. They don’t know how his scent has disappeared, but it’s not enough to stop Madeleine. She suspects venomous beings known as the Plague. They are an enemy to her kind, soulless, reanimated humans that have died from the bubonic plague. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing him, or worse, that he’s already dead. But if there’s a chance that he’s still alive, she has to keep looking for him. If Caleb has somehow been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. The church could be the lead necessary to find Caleb - if only she can stay alive long enough. how and why and what are the stakes?? You mention romance in the next paragraph, but there's none on your query, only friendship.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. I am drawn to the energy of this agency, and it is a great desire of mine to work with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I also want to echo Sataris's comments above. More about the 2MCs and their relationship, other than simply "friend saving friend"

Hope my critique helps :)


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

No active query atm.


#34 HeatherBlue

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 09:04 PM

This version is a lot different from the last ones. It shows a lot more of the story, but I need help in knowing if it is all connected. Madeleine and Jonathan are POV characters. There is one more, but he is a smaller one and I don't want to include too many. I tried to introduce the love story between Madeleine and Jonathan, but still keep her goal as finding Caleb and that Jonathan may know something. The last critiques helped a lot! Thank you! Please let me know what I should do with this draft!

 

 

Revision #15:

 

THE REAPING is about Madeleine, an eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl with mixed Angel-human blood. Her determination to find her missing friend, Caleb, is threatened by a new enemy.

 

Though the other Nephilim and Angels are troubled by Caleb’s disappearance, their devotion to him is not strong. A body has not been found, but his scent has. Madeleine searches the church of the last location of his scent. She doesn’t how his scent has disappeared, but in her determination, she looks around at the church for clues. She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She questions what his intentions are, and she is unsure of herself in the process - an alien feeling to her. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore. But she fears what his true intentions are.

 

As Madeleine’s suspicions build, she is continually threatened by venomous beings known as the Plague. They are soulless, reanimated humans, collecting bodies, creating an army against the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. If he’s been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. Killing off the Plague may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. She could lose both of them.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, this story is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre. It will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#35 ThatDan

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 02:09 AM

This version is a lot different from the last ones. It shows a lot more of the story, but I need help in knowing if it is all connected. Madeleine and Jonathan are POV characters.<seems that jonathan is quite important to the story. i'd definitely leave him in There is one more, but he is a smaller one and I don't want to include too many.< good, leave him out if he's not important I tried to introduce the love story between Madeleine and Jonathan,< seems like a key point you wouldn't want to leave out but still keep her goal as finding Caleb and that Jonathan may know something.< this makes it more complicated, which is a good thing. your earlier draft was so simple i could sum it up in five words "girl looks for missing boy" The last critiques helped a lot! Thank you! Please let me know what I should do with this draft!

 

 

Revision #15:

 

THE REAPING is about Madeleine,< nope, stick to the usual format. title at the end. an eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl with mixed Angel-human blood. Her determination to find her missing friend, Caleb, is threatened by a new enemy. < a bit too vague to be a good hook, imo

 

Though the other Nephilim and Angels are troubled by Caleb’s disappearance, their devotion to him is not strong. A body has not been found, but his scent has. Madeleine searches the church of the last location of his scent. She doesn’t how his scent has disappeared,<sentence still under construction :p but in her determination, she looks around at the church for clues. <boring. use your words to better effect elsewhere She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She questions what his intentions are, and she is unsure of herself in the process - an alien feeling to her. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore. But she fears what his true intentions are.

 

As Madeleine’s suspicions build, she is continually threatened by venomous beings known as the Plague. They are soulless, reanimated humans, collecting bodies, creating an army against the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. If he’s been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. Killing off the Plague may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. She could lose both of them.< you need to strengthen her attraction to jon if i'm to believe she truly worries about losing him.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, this story THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre. It will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 Still needs tidying up, but im starting to see a clearer plot and stakes now. I'd also like to know where it takes place, ie, do they go on an adventure? to another realm? So far I still just visualize a handful of characters wandering around a church.


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

No active query atm.


#36 HeatherBlue

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 08:49 PM

Thanks for the last critique, and of course to all the others, but this is helping me a lot. I have a lot of notes within the query letter this time that are things that I am unsure about. Thanks for all the help! Let me know what you think about this one! Also, I will put my notes in a different color to help distinguish from the letter itself.

 

 

Revision #16:

 

As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl, Madeleine’s mixed Angel-human blood gives her extra strength and other enhanced abilities. But in her search to find her missing friend, Caleb, (not sure about punctuation here, commas? Hyphens?) her strength and determination will be tested by a new enemy. They are venomous beings known as the Plague, (should this be a comma, or a hyphen or something else?) soulless, reanimated humans.

 

Though the other Nephilim and Angels are troubled by Caleb’s disappearance, their devotion to him is not strong. A body has not been found, but his scent has. As the others are too preoccupied with fighting the Plague at night, Madeleine searches a church in Ellensburg, Washington (not sure how to slip this in smoothly, or if I should just leave it out) - the last location of his scent. She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She questions what his intentions are, and she is unsure of herself in the process. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore. The Angels do not condone relationships with humans, and Madeleine is fighting with herself as she wonders if she’s falling for the enemy. Jonathan knows what Madeleine is - and he knows where Caleb is as well. (Is this too much information? The reader knows this through Jonathan, but Madeleine doesn’t)

 

As Madeleine’s suspicions build, she is continually threatened by the Plague. They are collecting bodies, creating an army against the Nephilim. They battle these beings in the night, slaughtering as many as possible, hiding in abandoned buildings. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. If he’s been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. By killing all of them (should I add that there’s a final battle, because I’m unsure how to word that or is that too much information?), she may be able to save him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre. It will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#37 HeatherBlue

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Posted 18 December 2017 - 08:22 PM

Revision #17:

 

As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl, Madeleine’s mixed Angel-human blood gives her extra strength and other enhanced abilities. But in her search to find her missing friend, Caleb, her strength and determination will be tested by a new enemy. They are venomous beings known as the Plague - soulless, reanimated humans.

 

Though the other Nephilim and Angels are troubled by Caleb’s disappearance, their devotion to him is not strong. A body has not been found, but his scent has. As the others are too preoccupied with fighting the Plague at night, Madeleine searches a church in Ellensburg, Washington - the last location of his scent. She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She questions what his intentions are, and she is unsure of herself in the process. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore. The Angels do not condone relationships with humans, and Madeleine is fighting with herself as she wonders if she’s falling for the enemy. Jonathan knows what Madeleine is - and he knows where Caleb is as well.

 

As Madeleine’s suspicions build, she is continually threatened by the Plague. They are collecting bodies, creating an army against the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. If he’s been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre. It will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#38 NCruz

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Posted 19 December 2017 - 07:23 PM

Revision #17:

 

As an eEighteen-year-old Nephilim girl, Madeleine’s mixed Angel-human blood gives her extra ​superhuman/supernatural/etc. strength and other enhanced abilities. But in her search to find her missing friend, Caleb, her strength and determination will be tested by a new enemy. They are venomous beings known as the Plague - soulless, reanimated humans. ​[This is more telling than showing. Try to incorporate the Plague with action. When does Madeleine encounter the Plague? While she's searching for Caleb?]

 

Though the other Nephilim and Angels are troubled by Caleb’s disappearance, their devotion to him is not strong ​[Why is Caleb so important? Is he human? An angel?]. A body has not been found, but his scent has ​[This structure is awkward. Is his scent a trail they can follow? Is his scent found on a discarded piece of clothing?]. As While the others are too preoccupied with fighting the Plague at night, Madeleine searches a church in Ellensburg, Washington - the last location of his scent. She does not find her friend, but someone else. ​[This query reads too slowly, and there is too much info, especially below. It reads a bit like a synopsis. Focus on the PoV characters, the main conflict, and the hook (what makes your story different from the others about Angels).]

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She questions what his intentions are, and she is unsure of herself in the process. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore. The Angels do not condone relationships with humans, and Madeleine is fighting with herself as she wonders if she’s falling for the enemy. Jonathan knows what Madeleine is - and he knows where Caleb is as well.

 

As Madeleine’s suspicions build, she is continually threatened by the Plague. They are collecting bodies, creating an army against the Nephilim. Madeleine is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. If he’s been kidnapped by the Plague, she has a chance to get him back. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. ​[Try to cut the query down to 250 words or less.]

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre ​[If you want to personalize, quote something more unique to the agent. If they're specifically looking for forbidden romance between angels and humans, mention that. Show that you went beyond the typical "she represents my genre so I'm querying her."]. It will appeal to fans who enjoyed the action and the romantic stakes in Vampire Academy. ​[Use 2 recently published titles (within past 3 years. 1-2 is better.)Thank you for your time and consideration.



#39 HeatherBlue

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Posted 19 December 2017 - 11:09 PM

This draft may not be perfect, but I tried something different. So... things to look out for: If the hook is more showing than telling because it needs to be, if I should mention Jonathan since he is a POV character, or if I should minimize him to "a man in the church" or something like that and focus only on Madeleine (I have gotten different opinions here, so I am a bit confused), and the places I have too much information or not enough information for a query. I am getting pulled back and forth. People said not enough information so I added some, but that was too much, so then it became more of a synopsis than a query. At this point, I am pretty much just trying to find the right balance between not enough and too much. I need to concisely present the perfect amount of information here. Thank you everyone!

 

 

Revision #18:

 

Madeleine is staring death in the face. As she hunts the venomous Plague in the night, she fears they have already sunk their teeth into her missing friend, Caleb. This eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl is facing a new enemy in the Plague - their souls have left them after their deaths, but they have reanimated into killing machines.

 

Caleb’s scent has been followed to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Madeleine searches it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels. Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted to finding out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre, and that some of your representations include headstrong characters, as mine does. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and the romantic stakes of the Shadowhunters TV show. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#40 NCruz

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Posted 20 December 2017 - 12:00 AM

This draft may not be perfect, but I tried something different. So... things to look out for: If the hook is more showing than telling because it needs to be, if I should mention Jonathan since he is a POV character, or if I should minimize him to "a man in the church" or something like that and focus only on Madeleine (I have gotten different opinions here, so I am a bit confused), and the places I have too much information or not enough information for a query. I am getting pulled back and forth. People said not enough information so I added some, but that was too much, so then it became more of a synopsis than a query. At this point, I am pretty much just trying to find the right balance between not enough and too much. I need to concisely present the perfect amount of information here. Thank you everyone! 

 

​You're going to get different opinions from everyone. Select what makes sense to you. If everyone's agreeing on one point, really consider making that change. If everyone's disagreeing on one point, choose what you agree with the most. A lot of this can be gut reaction. Always be cautious when applying edits.

 

Your new version is very improved. My only recommendation now is to clean up.

 

​Here's a rough example that probably won't line up with your plot, but illustrates what I mean: "Caleb’s scent has been followed to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Madeleine searches it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels. Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else." -> "Madeleine traces Caleb's scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Caleb's trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a mysterious man who tugs at her soul and claims to be able to help."






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