Hi! I'm coming in on your revision 18. I'm hoping fresh eyes, seeing just this version, might be some assistance to you:
Madeleine is staring death in the face. As she hunts the venomous Plague in the night, she fears they have already sunk their teeth into her missing friend, Caleb (Is she hunting the Plague because of Caleb? Right now, these two ideas seem unrelated. I had to reread this a couple of times to find Madeleine's motivation--her WHY--but I still don't know it with any certainty). This eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl is facing a new enemy in the Plague - their souls have left them after their deaths, but they have reanimated into killing machines.
Caleb’s scent has been followed to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Madeleine searches it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels (At this part, I was convinced that I am reading the second book of a series. If that's your intention, awesome! If not, it feels like I'm coming into the middle of something here). Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else. A boy named Jonathon, who has too many secrets, including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished.
Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted desperate to finding out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague (this is where I finally thought to myself: I have no idea, no picture, of what the Plague are. You need something very brief to describe what these are and WHY she, personally, fights them), she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb (is Caleb like her? Why and how was he captured?) forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. (Great finisher)
On a final note, I went back and reread 17. I really liked your opener on 17 because it explained many of the questions I had. Someone suggested possibly showing, rather than telling and I commend your efforts. Personally, a query is all about telling, so leave the showing in your novel and make sure you are clear and concise on what your novel is actually about. I was left with too many questions in this query version. I felt I had better idea on what your story was about with revision 17.