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THE REAPING (YA fantasy)


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#41 Danelle Chase

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Posted 25 December 2017 - 07:13 PM

Hi! I'm coming in on your revision 18. I'm hoping fresh eyes, seeing just this version, might be some assistance to you:

 

Madeleine is staring death in the face. As she hunts the venomous Plague in the night, she fears they have already sunk their teeth into her missing friend, Caleb (Is she hunting the Plague because of Caleb? Right now, these two ideas seem unrelated. I had to reread this a couple of times to find Madeleine's motivation--her WHY--but I still don't know it with any certainty). This eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl is facing a new enemy in the Plague - their souls have left them after their deaths, but they have reanimated into killing machines.

 

Caleb’s scent has been followed to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Madeleine searches it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels (At this part, I was convinced that I am reading the second book of a series. If that's your intention, awesome! If not, it feels like I'm coming into the middle of something here). Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else. A boy named Jonathon, who has too many secrets, including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is devoted desperate to finding out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague (this is where I finally thought to myself: I have no idea, no picture, of what the Plague are. You need something very brief to describe what these are and WHY she, personally, fights them), she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb (is Caleb like her? Why and how was he captured?) forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. (Great finisher)

 

On a final note, I went back and reread 17. I really liked your opener on 17 because it explained many of the questions I had. Someone suggested possibly showing, rather than telling and I commend your efforts. Personally, a query is all about telling, so leave the showing in your novel and make sure you are clear and concise on what your novel is actually about. I was left with too many questions in this query version. I felt I had better idea on what your story was about with revision 17.


Query - The Windwalker YA Fantasy


#42 HeatherBlue

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Posted 26 December 2017 - 07:52 PM

Okay guys! Thanks for all the tips! I feel like I am so close! So down below I have my intro/hook, and then I have two versions of the second and third paragraphs. Tell me which way you prefer. It's mostly just in the ending of the second and the beginning of the third paragraphs that change. And then I have my ending/fourth paragraph. Thanks for all the help!

 

Revision #19:

 

As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim girl, Madeleine is graced with the blood of Angels and humans. A new enemy is determined to test her strength as she searches for her missing Nephilim friend, Caleb. The Plague are venomous beings - soulless, reanimated humans. Madeleine and the rest of her kind are under orders to stop them.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. She continues to search it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels. Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else. A man named Jonathan, a man with too many secrets - including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished.

 

Madeleine is desperate to find out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Version #2 of middle paragraphs:

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. She continues to search it every night after she hunts the Plague with her fellow Nephilim and Angels. Though his scent has long faded, she knows there is a reason it has disappeared here. She does not find her friend, but someone else.

 

Jonathan has too many secrets. One of his secrets includes the reason he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is desperate to find out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre, and that some of your representations include headstrong characters, as mine does. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and the romantic stakes of the Shadowhunters TV show. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#43 HeatherBlue

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 08:51 PM

So I've revised this before any critiques came on the last one. Only because things started coming together in my head for it and I thought it was wise to write it down. You are welcome to read the last draft, though I had two versions of it, so it is a little bit long. But I feel like in this one I have cut down my word count without cutting content and that all of the parts of my story are starting to actually connect to each other throughout the query. Thanks for all the help! I just feel like I'm so close with this one!

 

Revision #20:

 

Madeleine is graced with the blood of Angels and humans. As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim, and along with the rest of her kind, she has been ordered to kill the Plague. They are soulless, reanimated humans - they are venomous creatures. As Madeleine fights the disease they are spreading, she fears they have kidnapped Caleb, one of her Nephilim friends.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Caleb’s trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a mysterious man, a man with too many secrets - including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is desperate to find out what he knows. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre, and that some of your representations include headstrong characters, as mine does. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and the romantic stakes of the Shadowhunters TV show. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#44 HeatherBlue

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 08:26 PM

Revision #21:

 

Madeleine is graced with the blood of Angels and humans. As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim, and with the rest of her kind, she has been ordered to kill the Plague. They are venomous creatures, an army of soulless, reanimated humans. As Madeleine fights the disease they are spreading, one of her Nephilim friends, Caleb, goes missing. She fears they have taken him, and she’s on a hunt to get him back.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. The trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a man with too many secrets - including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished. Madeleine is desperate to find out what he knows, but also hoping he knows nothing. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. According to your website, I see that you represent this genre, and that, like mine, some of your representations include headstrong characters. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and the romantic stakes of the Shadowhunters TV show. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#45 Nessa

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 08:51 PM



Revision #21:

 

Madeleine is graced with the blood of Angels and humans. As an eighteen-year-old Nephilim, and with the rest of her kind, she has been ordered to kill the Plague.​[This part doesn't read smoothly. With a little tailoring, you could combine the ideas in the first two sentences together.]They are venomous creatures, an army of soulless, reanimated humans. As Madeleine fights the disease they are spreading, one of her Nephilim friends, Caleb, goes missing. She fears they have taken him, and she’s on a hunt to get him back. ​["Eighteen-year-old Madeleine is half-Nephilim. She and her flock (other word to describe them) are ordered by (who?) to hunt and kill the Plague, an army of soulless, reanimated humans. When Madeleine's friend Caleb goes missing in the middle of a hunting session, she embarks on a quest to get him back." Rough, but can you see how the information flows? We're first introduced to the MC, second to her everyday life, and third to the catalyst.]

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. The trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a man with too many secrets - including the reason why he is at the church where Caleb vanished. ​[Again, with a little tailoring you can merge the information in the first two sentences into one.]Madeleine is desperate to find out what he knows, but also hoping he knows nothing.She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she is continually threatened by the Plague, she is worried that these creatures are torturing Caleb, or worse, that they’ve already killed him. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. ​[There's a lot in this paragraph. Most of it is filler. You can combine information into single sentences to cut down on words. I think I provided sample sentences in a previous critique. You have the plot down, but it's jumbled in your query. We can assume Madeleine is worried for Caleb, so you can remove that sentence about her worrying for him. This paragraph should introduce Johnathan, Madeleine's distrust of him, Madeleine's reasoning to accept his help, and the stakes.]

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel with series potential. ​[I used to suggest "series potential" as a line, but after seeing an agent mock it on Twitter, you might want to delete it. During The Call, agents will ask you about series potential and other books you have planned.]According to your website, I see that you represent this genre​[Don't need to mention the genre. The agent will assume you did research. Personalization should be specific, like mentioning that the agent represents books with headstrong characters.] , and that, like mine, some of your representations include headstrong characters. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and the romantic stakes of the Shadowhunters TV show​[Add 1-2 book comps that don't have viewable film/TV adaptations. Show that you've read widely in your genre.]. Thank you for your time and consideration.


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#46 HeatherBlue

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 11:08 PM

I think I mostly just need to make sure the wording flows well enough with this one and that I didn't cut too much information. I also want to make sure it sounds exciting or enticing enough. Thanks for the help!

 

Cuts include: doesn't say the Plague are venomous anymore, do I need this? Is it implied that they're dangerous already?

 

Revision #22:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine is half-Angel, half-human. She and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague, an army of soulless, reanimated humans. When Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, she embarks on a tangled quest to find him.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Caleb’s trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a man she feels a pull to that she can’t ignore. She is desperate to find out what he knows as her suspicions build against him, (Not sure if these should be together because they are not related enough? Or does that even matter here?) but the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head. As she searches for her missing friend, she has to be careful not to end up dead herself. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my book, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#47 HeatherBlue

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 08:58 PM

Lets try this one, guys!

 

Revision #23:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine is graced with the blood of Angels and humans. She and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague. They are venomous beings, an army of soulless, reanimated humans. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, she embarks on a tangled quest to find him.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Caleb’s trail ends there, but she encounters Jonathan, a man she feels a pull to that she can’t ignore. Her suspicions build against him the more she is in his presence, but she is unsure if he has any connection to Caleb. As she searches for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my book, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#48 HeatherBlue

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 06:21 PM

Revision #24:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague - an army of soulless, reanimated humans. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, she must fight her way through them to get him back.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. Caleb’s trail ends there, and she cannot figure out how it has disappeared - how he has disappeared - but she finds someone else. Jonathan is a man with too many secrets. She feels a pull to him that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she searches for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head, and the venom in their teeth is a danger to humans as well. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my book, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#49 sereneew

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 02:41 AM

Revision #24:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague - an army of soulless, reanimated humans. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, she must fight her way through them ( Through who? Who took Caleb? )  to get him back.

 

Madeleine traces Caleb’s scent trail (Unless she is a dog, she cannot trace someone by his or her scent.  So she has powers, correct? You need to let us know what that is. )  to a church in Ellensburg, Washington. But Caleb’s trail ( He leaves a trail? So then why did Madeleine trace his scent, when she can easily follow the trail?) ends there. She's muddled and can't figure out how his trail disappeared-- until she meets/finds Jonathan, a man with secrets of his own.  and she cannot figure out how it has disappeared - how he has disappeared - but she finds someone else. Jonathan is a man with too many secrets.  She feels a pull to him ( I don't get it? She feels a pull to him right when she meets him? Does he lure her with his looks? This doesn't flow well ) that she can’t ignore, but her suspicions are building against him. As she continues to searches for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head, and the venom in their teeth is a danger to humans as well. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him Caleb.( I like this line )

 

 But The only way Madeleine will ever be able to locate Caleb is if Jonathan reveals his secret. ( and then you can proceed onto there with the other stakes if Jonathan does tell his secret... I feel you should spoil a bit of his secret so we know. It's okay, because that way it builds tension. I tried to edit the stakes but I'm not so sure exactly what they are. ) if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. ( I'm a bit confused? What does Jonathan secret have to do with Caleb? You need to be a little more specific. I'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together, but it's hard when you haven't given enough detail) 

 

 

 

So, the hook needs a little bit more working. and the query is missing a lot of details that bring up questions. I'm a bit confused about Madeleine's abilities. Does she have powers or does she not? I'm assuming she does, but if she does not then you made an small error in the second paragraph. Also, you're missing a lot of details. In the hook you said that the girl is after Plague's and then his friend goes missing. Okay great, but when she's trying to find him, she meets a boy at the church who she falls for? Love at first sight? Idk.. but that parts confusing. Also, does Jonathan help her or she meets him once, falls in love and that's that?  I do like that he has secrets, but I was hoping you'd spill some of his secrets at the end. I'd work on the details to build-up the tension and the stakes. I get that Jonathan's secret has something to do with Caleb disappearance, but you need to build up on that. How does she know his secret will help her find Caleb? Hope this help! Don't give up, you're getting there (: 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#50 HeatherBlue

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 01:29 PM

So I have a couple notes here. One is that I'm not sure where I should include that Madeleine and the Nephilim have enhanced abilities. It's in the hook right now, but the hook could be fine without it. I just don't know if it's better to somehow expertly slip it into the second paragraph. The second thing is that I'm trying to be more clear about what's going on, but I don't want it to be too wordy. What I mean is it still needs to be concise even as I add information. The third thing is that I would like to know what everyone thinks about me adding some of Jonathan's secrets. In this one I am saying that he knows what Madeleine is, and he knows where Caleb is. This could be taken as too much information, but it could also be taken as building tension. The thing is, it is revealed in the first chapter that Jonathan knows what happened to Caleb. It is not hidden from the reader, but it is hidden from Madeleine, and that is where I'm a little confused on what information to reveal. I just don't want the agent to be like "why is she putting spoilers in the query?!" when I'm actually not. I really appreciate the critiques! Thank you!

 

Revision #25:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague - an army of soulless, reanimated humans. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, and she is convinced the Plague are responsible, her enhanced senses will be tested.

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how his scent has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find. There is a man in the church who introduces himself as Jonathan, but he has secrets of his own. He knows what Madeleine is and he knows where Caleb is as well. Her suspicions build against him the more she visits him, but she cannot deny there is a connection between them. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head, and the venom in their teeth is a danger to humans as well. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#51 AliRey80

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 04:44 PM

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague - an army of soulless, reanimated humans. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, and she is convinced the Plague are is responsible, her enhanced senses will be tested.

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how his scent has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find. There is a man in the church who introduces himself as Jonathan, but he has secrets of his own. He knows what Madeleine is and he knows where Caleb is as well. Are these his secrets? How does this affect Madeleine? Her suspicions build against him the more she visits him, but she cannot deny there is a connection between them. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head, and the venom in their teeth is a danger to humans as well. Don't love this sentence- we know the Plague is a threat. I would add the venom tidbit when you introduce the Plague. "..and she is convinced the Plague, who's venomous bite is deadly to humans,..."Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself unnecessary, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing if he reveals his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

​Interesting storyline with a fun romantic twist. I'd love for you to critique my query "Unknown". Thanks and good luck!



#52 mindy24601

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 05:12 PM

So I have a couple notes here. One is that I'm not sure where I should include that Madeleine and the Nephilim have enhanced abilities. It's in the hook right now, but the hook could be fine without it. I just don't know if it's better to somehow expertly slip it into the second paragraph. The second thing is that I'm trying to be more clear about what's going on, but I don't want it to be too wordy. What I mean is it still needs to be concise even as I add information. The third thing is that I would like to know what everyone thinks about me adding some of Jonathan's secrets. In this one I am saying that he knows what Madeleine is, and he knows where Caleb is. This could be taken as too much information, but it could also be taken as building tension. The thing is, it is revealed in the first chapter that Jonathan knows what happened to Caleb. It is not hidden from the reader, but it is hidden from Madeleine, and that is where I'm a little confused on what information to reveal. I just don't want the agent to be like "why is she putting spoilers in the query?!" when I'm actually not. I really appreciate the critiques! Thank you!

 

Revision #25:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague - an army of soulless, reanimated humans. okay, fair enough hook. i think i would expect these characters to have some sort of superhuman power already from the angels and nephilim; not sure it's really necessary to spell it out. But when Madeleine’s friend Caleb goes missing after a hunt one night, and she is convinced the Plague are responsible, her enhanced senses will be tested. ack, this falls flat for me. "enhanced senses will be tested" almost sounds like something spat out from a plot generator. 

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how his scent two scent's is probably too much has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find. this sentence is a little irrelevant, condense and combine with the next There is a man in the church who introduces himself as Jonathan, but he has secrets of his own. He knows what Madeleine is and he knows where Caleb is as well. so, not angels/nephilim? this is all a little too vague and slow-paced for a query Her suspicions build against him the more she visits him, why wasn't she suspicious from the start? but she cannot deny there is a connection between them. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, tiny whiny point here -- if she's a YA protagonist and this is a man...is he actually a man-man or man-boy because that has different implications for what this story is about... and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head, and the venom in their teeth is a danger to humans as well. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. sounds high-stakes, but too vague and general!!!!

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations include headstrong characters and teen romance. examples will be given? It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.

rather than too much information, i feel you have too little. go for specific specifics. don't keep it broad -- broad is boring!!! you have the skeleton, just add the meat :) 

 

please consider donating your thought-bunnies: http://agentquerycon...ry-ya-fantasy/ 



#53 HeatherBlue

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 09:24 PM

Revision #26:

 

Eighteen-year-old Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim have been ordered by the Angels to kill the Plague. Their venomous bite is deadly to humans, but the Nephilim have their own enhanced abilities. As her fears build around the fact that her friend Caleb is missing, she knows the Plague have something to do with his disappearance.

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how it has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find, but she doesn’t expect to find Jonathan, a priest with his own secrets, a man that takes her in with his eyes and his beauty. He knows that Madeleine is Nephilim and he knows where Caleb is. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head. Jonathan is the only one that knows how to stop them - and the only one that knows Caleb has been transformed into one of the Plague. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#54 HeatherBlue

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 08:39 PM

I appreciate any help, comments, etc. whether they be compliments or critiques. Thank you!

 

Revision #27:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears the Plague have something to do with her friend’s disappearance. Caleb has been missing for days. With a venomous bite that is deadly to humans, the Plague are being hunted by the Nephilim on the Angels’ orders. Madeleine must find Caleb before it’s too late (before he dies too, before he ends up dead?).

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how it has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find, but she doesn’t expect to find Jonathan, a priest with his own secrets, a man that takes her in with his eyes and his beauty. He knows that Madeleine is Nephilim and he knows where Caleb is. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head. Jonathan is the only one that knows how to stop them - and the only one that knows Caleb is one of them too. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#55 bkarperien

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 05:55 PM

I appreciate any help, comments, etc. whether they be compliments or critiques. Thank you!

 

Revision #27:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears that the Plague (this doesn't read right, I'd recommend explaining who the Plague are) have something to do with her friend Caleb's disappearance. Caleb has been missing for days. With a venomous bite that is deadly to humans (this doesn't flow. Who has the venemous bite? The Plague? The Nephilim? And why does it matter? Is Caleb human? And why has Caleb been taken? Why does she think that the Plague took him? Also, who are the plague, and what do they want?), the Plague are being hunted by the Nephilim on the Angels’ orders (I'd take out the part about the Angels. It's just confusing and unnecessary. Also, explain why the Plague are being hunted). Madeleine must find Caleb before it’s too late (before he dies too, before he ends up dead?).

 

The Angels followed Caleb’s scent to a church in Ellensburg, Washington, but they can’t figure out how it has disappeared. Madeleine decides to go to the church herself and see what she can find, but she doesn’t expect to find Jonathan, a priest with his own secrets, a man that takes her in with his eyes and his beauty. He knows that Madeleine is Nephilim and he knows where Caleb is. She doesn’t stop seeing him - both for her own pleasure, and to find Caleb. As she continues to search for her missing friend, the Plague is an endless threat hanging over her head. Jonathan is the only one that knows how to stop them - and the only one that knows Caleb is one of them too. Slaughtering the whole race may be the key to saving him. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

(This whole paragraph is really confusing. I think maybe you switched perspectives in the middle? Because you're talking about things that Madeleine doesn't know, and it gets confusing. I'd stick to her perspective, and her stakes. And you say that the Plague is a threat hanging over her head, but I still have no idea what that means. Why are they a threat to her? Lastly, I don't understand the relationships between Madeleine, Caleb, and Jonathan. Is it a love triangle? Does she love Caleb? Why does she care so much about him? Who is he, and why is he involved in all this? Another issue in this is that I don't get any sense at all of who Madeleine is, or what she's like. I think you need to just examine the basics--your protagonist, her problem, and the stakes--and then include only the necessary information, but make sure it's well-explained.)

 

Told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. It will appeal to fans who enjoy the action and fighting presented in Six of Crows and the romantic stakes in The Raven King. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good luck with your query! If you have a chance to check out mine, I'd be forever grateful. 


Check out my query!


#56 HeatherBlue

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:26 PM

I don't feel like this is written very well, but I'm hoping this one has more of a sense of what Madeleine is like - pushy, doing things herself, etc. Let me know if you have any tips on the wording or anything else. Thanks!

 

Revision #28:

 

Madeleine’s friend Caleb has disappeared. This pushy eighteen-year-old Nephilim fears he’s been captured by the Plague - they are soulless, reanimated humans with a venomous bite that creates more of them. The Nephilim and the Angels are eliminating the threat, but Madeleine is determined to find Caleb before it’s too late.

 

His scent has vanished in the middle of a church, but Madeleine decides to go there herself to see if anything was overlooked. As she enters the unlocked doors in the middle of the night, she can’t imagine Caleb decided to come here on his own. When she walks in, somebody is there. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her, but at the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. She pushes away her romantic past with her friend as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. Slaughtering the Plague may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

(I feel like the closing paragraph has been finalized)



#57 HeatherBlue

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 07:02 PM

Question: I feel like people are now putting the title of the book in the last paragraph when the standard used to be to put it right at the beginning. Is it still standard to put it in the first paragraph or the last? I personally feel like it sounds better in the last, but want to know what agents prefer. Thanks!

 

Revision #29:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. Once human, and bitten by another Plague, they have transformed into soulless creatures. The Nephilim and Angels are eliminating the threat, but pushy Madeleine is determined to find Caleb before it’s too late.

 

Caleb’s scent has vanished in a church. Madeleine decides to go there herself to see if anything was overlooked. As she enters the unlocked doors in the middle of the night, she can’t imagine Caleb decided to come here on his own. She doesn’t expect anyone to be there, but there’s a man claiming to be a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. She pushes away her romantic past with her friend as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. Slaughtering the Plague may be the key to saving Caleb. But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

(third paragraph finalized)



#58 bkarperien

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 08:07 PM

Revision #29:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. Once human, and bitten by another Plague, they have transformed into soulless creatures (this sentence is awkward). The Nephilim and Angels are eliminating the threat (what threat?), but pushy (pushy doesn't seem like the right word and has a negative connotation. Maybe headstrong?) Madeleine is determined to find Caleb before it’s too late.

 

Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb's trail vanishes, to see if anything was overlooked. As she enters the unlocked doors in the middle of the night, she can’t imagine Caleb decided to come here on his own. She doesn’t expect anyone to be there, but there’s a man claiming to be a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding (why does she think he's hiding anything?). She pushes away her romantic past with her friend (who? Caleb?) as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. Slaughtering the Plague may be the key to saving Caleb (This came out of nowhere. Why does she think this? And if she does, then why does she need to find out what Jonathan's hiding? And is she actually doing anything to help Caleb except get close to Jonathan and hope that he tells her something, even though she doesn't actually know if he even knows anything?). But if Jonathan decides to keep his secrets to himself, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing his secrets, she could lose Jonathan as well. (These stakes could be stronger. The way the first sentence is phrased, Madeleine is totally passive. Maybe rewrite it like "if she can't get Jonathan to reveal his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And then explain how revealing Jonathan's secrets would make her lose him.)

 

(third paragraph finalized)

It's looking much better, I think! It's simpler and much clearer. However, now that you've pared it down a lot, you have a bit of space to expand.

Thanks so much for your feedback on my query! And for the recommendation, I hadn't heard of that particular group before, very helpful :)


Check out my query!


#59 HeatherBlue

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 06:29 PM

Honestly, the weirdest thing for me to do here is to sum up what the Plague are - in the hook - in very few words with it sounding exactly right. Any help on that is appreciated - unless it sounds good now, but I'm not sure. It it WAY TOO MUCH in the second paragraph now. Any help in weeding out what should not be there is appreciated. I am not sure if I should mention that her friend is also helping look for him too, or if I should just say that she is getting help elsewhere, or if I should just keep it centered on her talking to Jonathan to look for Caleb, but that she is also interested in Jonathan and is fighting the Plague at the same time, which could also be a way to find/save Caleb. It just needs to be clear that she is doing her job to find Caleb and no more because someone else is doing his own job to find him too, but I don't want to scatter it with that if it's too much. The other friend does have a POV, but I can't talk about too many people in the query. Just let me know what you think should be eliminated, rephrased, etc. Thank you for all the help!

 

***I would love any ideas on how to balance between this one and the last one. I felt like, for the most part, the last one read better, but was maybe missing a few things. I just need balance in this and then I can send it off. Thanks!

 

Revision #30:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. These creatures kill people with their venom, expanding their population in the process. Though they are being eliminated by the Nephilim and Angels, headstrong Madeleine must find Caleb before it’s too late.

 

Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but there’s a man in priest’s clothing. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She wonders why no one else is in the church, and why he is always there, doors unlocked, in the middle of the night. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, all while scheming with another friend who is infiltrating the home of the Plague to see what he can find. Eventually, Jonathan tells her he’s not really a priest. But he still doesn’t mention Caleb. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well. He is always telling her that she should stay away from him. She is afraid that Caleb is the reason why. She is afraid that he knows something, but would rather push her away than let her in, only to lose her in the end.

 

(finalized closing paragraph)



#60 HeatherBlue

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 01:09 PM

I think I am getting close with this one, but let me know. I think I balanced out some things I was unsure about, but I still feel like it might be slightly too long. If it's not, then great. If it is, then let me know if there is any unnecessary content, or any wording that I can just cut down to make it more concise. Let me know if there is anything unclear, as long as it is not in a spoiler kind of way, because I can't reveal everything. It just needs to be query clear. Thank you everyone!

 

Revision #31:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. Killing with their venom, the Plague are expanding their population with every bite. The Nephilim and Angels are eliminating this threat, but strong-willed Madeleine is determined to find Caleb before it’s too late.

 

Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but there’s a man in priest’s clothing. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. But Jonathan is always telling her she should stay away. When he tells her he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

(finalized third paragraph)






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