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THE REAPING (YA fantasy)


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#61 HeatherBlue

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 01:37 PM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)

 

I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.

 

I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.

 

Revision #32:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague are killing with their venom as the Nephilim and Angels eliminate these soulless beings, but strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him.

 

Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. But Jonathan is always telling her she should stay away. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

(finalized closing paragraph)



#62 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 08:54 PM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)
 
I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.
 
I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.
 
Revision #32:
 
Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague are killing with their venom as the Nephilim and Angels eliminate these soulless beings, but strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him.

So this is taking place pre deluge times? I know what a Nephilim is and if you use the term it puts your story in a specific time in Biblical history.
 
Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. But Jonathan is always telling her she should stay away. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well.
 
(finalized closing paragraph)


I am immediately lost from jump street. This sounds like an alien or created world. And yet you are setting it between the end of Eden and the Deluge.

Jonathan being the priest is clear enough to me, but this other matter is making my mind spin.
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#63 RMLucas

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:41 AM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)

 

I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.

 

I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.

 

Revision #32:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague ( you may need to clarify better what the plague is. Gives us a better picture what they are. creatures that spit venom? is the venom in their weapons? etc.) are killing with their venom as the other Nephilims and Angels eliminate them these soulless beings, (separate this next sentence)But strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him. stands in her way. (Remember to focus on the MC. Introducing the Plague in your hook may detract from your MC.

 

Madeleine goes to  (try something like, Madeleine begins her search at )the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished.  She doesn’t expect to find anyone (Why not? Is it off hours? Why would the church be open if there wasn't anyone there?), but instead meets Jonathan, the church's priest. lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan  He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what But despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. He is the only one where her friend disappeared (This sentence doens't make a lot of sense. Had to read it a couple of times). She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb (? i thought he was just a friend. Maybe introduce him as a boyfriend or ex on the first paragraph.) as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive (I feel like you could condense these last few sentences a lot). When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead as well.

 

(finalized closing paragraph)

 

The story sound interesting, but your query is kind of all over the place. A lot of the sentences could be written a little clearer, and a lot of the information isn't necessary. Just focus on the MC, the obstacles that prevent her from getting her goal, and the stakes. I do like the last couple of sentences of your query.  The hook needs a little work too. The plague left me a little confused since I didn't know they were creatures. You have made great progress and you are in the right direction. Just remember to keep it simple and as clear as possible. I know its hard with all the information you have in your book, but its possible. Good job and good luck. Thanks for your critique!!



#64 HeatherBlue

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 06:39 PM

So I dropped the Plague from the hook, though I did hint that he's been taken by something. I introduced them in the second paragraph instead, but I couldn't seem to find a way to fit a really solid description of them in with the rest of the story. It's like it's a completely separate thing from the way this is going. It's almost like I either need to say Caleb is missing and that the Plague have taken him and she talks to Jonathan to find out more, or I need to make it about her fighting the Plague, but that sort of gives her no real personal motivation. So I left a full description of the Plague out. Now, if any of you think it absolutely has to be there and that just letting the reader know they are creatures is not good enough, then let me know. But if you do think I need a fuller description, then I would like to know where you think it can actually fit in smoothly. Thank you for the critiques! I appreciate them so much! I'm so excited to finish this thing!

 

Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:

 

Revision #33:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured. Despite their romantic past, she is going to find Caleb no matter who stands in her way - even if they are soulless creatures that can kill her.

 

The Plague are the soulless creatures she suspects. Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim are eliminating them, but she decides to begin a search for Caleb at the church where his scent vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone this late after a hunt for the Plague, but she meets Jonathan, the church’s priest. He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. Despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#65 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:30 PM

Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:
 
For me confusion is this

https://en.m.wikiped...g/wiki/Nephilim

It's like someone referring to their creations as Java Men but then setting the story in modern day. It is jarring and problematical for me. That might just be me.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#66 VickieJack

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:47 PM

So I dropped the Plague from the hook, though I did hint that he's been taken by something. I introduced them in the second paragraph instead, but I couldn't seem to find a way to fit a really solid description of them in with the rest of the story. It's like it's a completely separate thing from the way this is going. It's almost like I either need to say Caleb is missing and that the Plague have taken him and she talks to Jonathan to find out more, or I need to make it about her fighting the Plague, but that sort of gives her no real personal motivation. So I left a full description of the Plague out. Now, if any of you think it absolutely has to be there and that just letting the reader know they are creatures is not good enough, then let me know. But if you do think I need a fuller description, then I would like to know where you think it can actually fit in smoothly. Thank you for the critiques! I appreciate them so much! I'm so excited to finish this thing!
 
Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:
 
Revision #33:
 
Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured.

To my knowledge NEPHILIM are men exclusively. And existed prior to Noah and The Ark.

Despite their romantic past, she is going to find Caleb no matter who stands in her way - even if they are soulless creatures that can kill her.


I like this.
 
The Plague are the soulless creatures she suspects. Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim are eliminating them, but she decides to begin a search for Caleb at the church where his scent vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone this late after a hunt for the Plague, but she meets Jonathan, the church’s priest. He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. Despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.
 
Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is tight. I like it. But ummmm if it is in present time then please explain how this race that existed millions of years ago now re-exists...and how women became included. Or perhaps invent a new race entirely.

#67 lnloft

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 08:06 PM

Man, I had all my nephilim exposure from Supernatural, so I had no clue how much variation is out there until I did a quick Google search on this. I was totally cool with nephilim being modern-day beings and female, but again, avid Supernatural watcher here. But then that does lead to the thought that this sort of thing is acceptable with urban fantasy (which is basically what you have). Urban fantasy can often take a supernatural element and bend it to their own lore. But, if this is a concern... why not just cut the term nephilim from the query for now, and just use "angel-human hybrid"? That way you're shedding the potential baggage that might come with the term nephilim, and once you've nabbed your agent, you can discuss with them how well it works to keep calling them nephilim. Anyone else have any thoughts on this route?



#68 Sataris

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 08:42 PM

why not just cut the term nephilim from the query for now, and just use "angel-human hybrid"? That way you're shedding the potential baggage that might come with the term nephilim, and once you've nabbed your agent, you can discuss with them how well it works to keep calling them nephilim. Anyone else have any thoughts on this route?

 

I agree. I'm not the target market here but I don't really have much of a concrete idea of what a nephilim really is. Seems like there's no real positive to leading with it (aside from it being more concise) when it's possible that the agent will have a different idea of what a nephilim is in their head, or might not even know what one is at all (unlikely maybe, but possible). Even just in general, I'm rarely a fan of using a proper name to describe something when you're probably just going to have to describe it anyway (as in the case of the Plague).


No current query.


#69 HeatherBlue

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Posted 14 April 2018 - 06:05 PM

I chose a different way to write it this time. I feel like there's too much of this formula of: hook, synopsis, closing. But I have also seen a lot of queries introduce other things first and then get to the hook and synopsis, etc. So here it is for now.

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

I am writing to you with the intention of working together on a novel that I wrote titled, THE REAPING. It is the story of an eighteen-year-old Nephilim named Madeleine, showing her experiences with love and violence and how the two intertwine on her journey to find her missing friend.

 

Madeleine has been trained all her life to be a Guardian - but she never expected something like this. Falling for a mysterious man as she searches for a friend who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend is not the way she thought her eighteenth year would begin.

 

At night, Madeleine hunts with the rest of the Nephilim to fight off a new threat to the population. They are vicious beings, turning the Nephilim into every day soldiers instead of Guardians. And the more they turn loose on humans, the more humans turn into them, multiplying their numbers with their venom.

 

Madeleine is afraid that these creatures have captured her friend, but even worse, she is afraid that he’s already dead, and that the man she is falling for is the one responsible. She doesn’t know if she will be the next one to fall for his game - or if he will fall for her first.



#70 RosieSkye

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Posted 14 April 2018 - 10:41 PM

I chose a different way to write it this time. I feel like there's too much of this formula of: hook, synopsis, closing. But I have also seen a lot of queries introduce other things first and then get to the hook and synopsis, etc. So here it is for now.

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

I am writing to you with the intention of working together on a novel that I wrote titled, THE REAPING. It is the story of an eighteen-year-old Nephilim named Madeleine, showing her experiences with love and violence and how the two intertwine on her journey to find her missing friend.  (This is telling rather than showing.  Place title/genre/word count at the bottom.)

 

Madeleine is a Nephilim (or however you want to introduce this idea) who has been trained all her life to be a Guardian (a Guardian of what? Whom?) - but she never expected something like this. Falling for a mysterious man as she searches for a friend who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend is not the way she thought her eighteenth year would begin.  (This last sentence is seriously clunky.  If the mysterious man is important, you need to do more to introduce him.  And just label the friend as a friend for querying purposes - no need to muddy the water with the fact that he's also her ex.)

 

At night, Madeleine hunts with the rest of the Nephilim to fight off a new threat to the population. (What population? Regular humans? Other Nephilim?) They are vicious beings, turning the Nephilim into every day ("everyday," one word) soldiers instead of Guardians. And the more they turn loose on humans, the more humans turn into them, multiplying their numbers with their venom. (So... these creatures reduce the power of the Nephilim Guardians, and turn ordinary humans into the same evil creatures that they are?  Your wording is unclear.)

 

Madeleine is afraid that these creatures have captured her friend, but even worse, she is afraid that he’s already dead, and that the man she is falling for is the one responsible. (Who exactly is this man she's falling for?  You seem hesitant to say too much about him.  If he's important to your story, give us his name.  Why would he be responsible, and why is she falling for him if she suspects that he's involved in the death of her friend?) She doesn’t know if she will be the next one to fall for his game - or if he will fall for her first. (I don't understand what these stakes mean.)

 

TITLE/genre/word count

 

 

I think your query suffers from an overall lack of clarity.  You need to be very specific up front about the nature of your world and its inhabitants, and also who your characters are, and how they relate to one another.  You also need a clear cliffhanger and stakes.

 

Hope this helps!



#71 BrookeJS

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Posted 15 April 2018 - 01:21 AM

So I dropped the Plague from the hook, though I did hint that he's been taken by something. I introduced them in the second paragraph instead, but I couldn't seem to find a way to fit a really solid description of them in with the rest of the story. It's like it's a completely separate thing from the way this is going. It's almost like I either need to say Caleb is missing and that the Plague have taken him and she talks to Jonathan to find out more, or I need to make it about her fighting the Plague, but that sort of gives her no real personal motivation. So I left a full description of the Plague out. Now, if any of you think it absolutely has to be there and that just letting the reader know they are creatures is not good enough, then let me know. But if you do think I need a fuller description, then I would like to know where you think it can actually fit in smoothly. Thank you for the critiques! I appreciate them so much! I'm so excited to finish this thing!

 

Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:

 

Revision #33:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured. Despite their romantic past, she is going to find Caleb no matter who stands in her way - even if they are soulless creatures that can kill her.

 

The Plague are the soulless creatures she suspects. Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim are eliminating them, but she decides to begin a search for Caleb at the church where his scent vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone this late after a hunt for the Plague, but she meets Jonathan, the church’s priest. He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. Despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I chose a different way to write it this time. I feel like there's too much of this formula of: hook, synopsis, closing. But I have also seen a lot of queries introduce other things first and then get to the hook and synopsis, etc. So here it is for now.

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

I am writing to you with the intention of working together on a novel that I wrote titled, THE REAPING. It is the story of an eighteen-year-old Nephilim named Madeleine, showing her experiences with love and violence and how the two intertwine on her journey to find her missing friend.

 

Madeleine has been trained all her life to be a Guardian - but she never expected something like this. Falling for a mysterious man as she searches for a friend who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend is not the way she thought her eighteenth year would begin.

 

At night, Madeleine hunts with the rest of the Nephilim to fight off a new threat to the population. They are vicious beings, turning the Nephilim into every day soldiers instead of Guardians. And the more they turn loose on humans, the more humans turn into them, multiplying their numbers with their venom.

 

Madeleine is afraid that these creatures have captured her friend, but even worse, she is afraid that he’s already dead, and that the man she is falling for is the one responsible. She doesn’t know if she will be the next one to fall for his game - or if he will fall for her first.

 

​Hello! New eyes here. I haven't read all of the above critiques and rather than go through your last two queries line by line I thought I might try providing a sample query to help with some of the confusion other readers seem to be pointing out. I do think you lack a little focus in naming your specific stakes. Right now this feels very loose, I don't really know what's happening or why it's so important for Madeleine to find Caleb (he seems rather inconsequential). If this is a typical love-triangle then you need to tighten things up and raise the stakes. You did yourself a disservice by not naming Jonathan in your newest query. He's essential to this story from what I can gather. So maybe this will help you see what others are saying and if it doesn't that's okay!  My sample is obviously is by no means perfect but I tried to reconstruct what I was gathering as essential from your previous queries. Hope you find this helpful! (Remember this is just my opinion) =)  (And I like your idea. I really felt your voice and your prose shine through when you embraced the romantic entanglement in your earlier version - maybe stick with that if you feel it strong enough!) Also I'd make sure in your opening line to an agent you say "I am seeking representation for _____ insert pertinent information" not "with the intention of working with you" they may right you off as the latter sounds less professional.

 

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As Guardian in training amongst the mysterious order of Nephilim – human and angel hybrids – it is her job to watch for signs of an ancient enemy.

Her worst fears are confirmed when she and the Guardians find proof that the Plague has returned. Soulless, vile, creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity, creating an army, and making slaves of the Nephilim. Madeleine’s hunt for the Plague has her running into the beautiful Jonathan, a mysterious priest who holds more secrets than a shadowy cabal.

Romantic history with Caleb aside, Madeleine finds herself inextricably drawn to Jonathan. She suspects Jonathan holds answers to Caleb’s whereabouts but learning the truth could test the limits of loyalty and love.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#72 HeatherBlue

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 08:20 PM

Thank you for your critiques and the last one from BrookeJS, I did use some of your words so I hope that's okay and thank you for that. Let me know what you guys think of this one. It's interesting to know what other people see is missing or too vague or unclear or too much information, etc. My head knows the book too well, but I know it's possible to get it right. So lets go!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off an enemy that is a threat to the human race.

 

Madeleine’s worst fears are playing at the edge of her consciousness even as she enjoys the act of fighting the Plague every night. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity, and they are the ones she suspects are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb at the same time, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan who she thinks may hold more secrets than she does.

 

She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she gets closer and closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. She suspects Jonathan holds the answers to Caleb’s whereabouts - he is the only one she can find in the location Caleb disappeared. She is burning to find out what he knows, but she also knows that learning the truth could lead her to losing Jonathan or Caleb. And she knows it’s a possibility that she could lose both.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#73 BrookeJS

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 09:58 PM

Thank you for your critiques and the last one from BrookeJS, I did use some of your words so I hope that's okay and thank you for that ​(That is perfectly okay, that's why I wrote it, and you are welcome! =) ). Let me know what you guys think of this one. It's interesting to know what other people see is missing or too vague or unclear or too much information, etc. My head knows the book too well, but I know it's possible to get it right. So lets go! 

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off an enemy that is​rising threat to the human race ​humanity​Enemy and threat in the same sentence becomes a touch redundant, as a threat is obviously an enemy. =)

 

Madeleine’s worst fears are playing at the edge of her consciousness even as she enjoys the act of fighting the Plague every night ​(This reads as very wordy and I'm sure you can tighten it up "Although she enjoys fighting the Plague...worst fears dance at the edge of her mind", etc.) They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity,​. and they are the ones she suspects ​they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb at the same time (​redundant), she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan​, who she thinks may hold more secrets than she does ​(This is confusing, so far we haven't learned she's keeping secrets so I think you might have a better analogy hiding away =) ).

 

She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she gets ​grows closer and closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm ​(I like this). She suspects Jonathan holds the answers to Caleb’s whereabouts - he is the only one she can find in the location Caleb disappeared ​(consider revising, if it reads awkwardly (and do read these out loud) then it's likely in the wrong order. It is better to tell the reader first that Jonathan was found at the last place Caleb was seen and this is why he is a person of interest in her "investigation". The reader needs to know why he is important and why she thinks he is hiding something from her). She is burning to find out what he knows, but she also knows that learning the truth could lead her to losing Jonathan or Caleb. And she knows it’s a possibility that she could lose both ​I think this could be a lot stronger. Toy around with a few options and really narrow down your stakes. Why is getting the answers from Jonathan going to cost her Caleb? Or Jonathan for that matter? I'm not sure if we know enough about him to care if Madeleine looses him.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. ​If it's multiple povs, have you written any queries from each characters perspective?

 

Howdy! I think you're getting closer (and I'm flattered you liked what I wrote enough to use some of it). It may seem like there is a lot of red but mostly it's questions. As always this is just my opinion so don't put too much stock into it (unless you agree of course =P ). A few are grammar corrections, comma here, period there. I felt like this version was telling me a little bit more but it's also short, so I think you've got plenty of room to provide us some more information that might be missing. Good job!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#74 HeatherBlue

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 08:05 PM

So I cleaned this one up and I also decided to add little pieces from my old query too. Thank you for your critique. It helped a lot! Also, I have tried to write it from the other perspectives, but Madeleine tells most of the story. The weird part though, is that the book actually starts with Jonathan's perspective, but he is too much of an antagonist. Madeleine starts in the second chapter and is the main POV in the story. One of her guy friends has a little bit of POV as well. But I can't include all of these in one query. Anyway, let me know what you think!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off a rising threat to humanity.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, her worst fears play at the edge of her mind as she battles the Plague. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished.

 

She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she grows closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. She is burning to find Caleb but she also wants to be able to love this strange man that is Jonathan. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#75 BrookeJS

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 03:08 PM

So I cleaned this one up and I also decided to add little pieces from my old query too. Thank you for your critique. It helped a lot! Also, I have tried to write it from the other perspectives, but Madeleine tells most of the story. The weird part though, is that the book actually starts with Jonathan's perspective, but he is too much of an antagonist. Madeleine starts in the second chapter and is the main POV in the story. One of her guy friends has a little bit of POV as well. But I can't include all of these in one query. Anyway, let me know what you think!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off a rising threat to humanity.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, her worst fears play at the edge of her mind as she battles the Plague. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished.

 

She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she grows closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. She is burning to find Caleb but she also wants to be able to love this strange man that is Jonathan. ​Crossing out because I can't highlight it. So, this part is a redunant. In the prior sentence you tell us she is unsure if Jonathan is involved with the plague or responsible for Caleb's disappearance. So I think you could probably cut it or reword to tighten up. If you have other stakes, put this in here. What happens if she loses Caleb? Why, aside from him being a friend, is it so important to find him? What makes Jonathan dangerous?If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. A ​(don't start sentences with and), and in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead. ​I think you need to build Jonathan up a tiny bit more. Right now I don't care if she loses him, he doesn't feel important.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Much better. Few little tweaks here or there but I think you're very close. Remember, though, I'm no expert and this is all just my opinion lol. But I like this! 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#76 HeatherBlue

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 05:43 PM

I built a little more on Jonathan and Madeleine, so we'll see how that sounds. I moved a sentence from the third paragraph to the second because it seemed to make more sense there. Also, I use the word humanity twice and I feel like too close together. If you think it's fine, let me know, or if you have ideas for another word, that would be great too. Thank you!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off a rising threat to humanity.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, her worst fears play at the edge of her mind as she battles the Plague. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague.

 

Madeleine pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she grows closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. His subtle touches and his words intrigue and confuse her. She is not giving up on a relationship between them, even though she is Nephilim and is not allowed to date humans. She is not giving up on the fact that his words always tell her to stay away. She knows he wants her to come back. Knowing him would mean everything to her, and knowing his secrets could lead her to Caleb. But she is afraid if she gets Caleb back, she would lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#77 BrookeJS

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Posted Yesterday, 01:37 AM

I built a little more on Jonathan and Madeleine, so we'll see how that sounds. I moved a sentence from the third paragraph to the second because it seemed to make more sense there. Also, I use the word humanity twice and I feel like too close together. If you think it's fine, let me know, or if you have ideas for another word, that would be great too. Thank you!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off a rising threat to humanity.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, her worst fears play at the edge of her mind as she battles the Plague. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague.

 

Madeleine pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she grows closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. His subtle touches and his words intrigue and confuse her. She is not giving up on a relationship between them, even though she is Nephilim and is not allowed to date humans ​Does this mean Caleb is Nephilim?. She is not giving up on the fact that his words always tell her to stay away. She knows he wants her to come back. Knowing him would mean everything to her, and knowing his secrets could lead her to Caleb. But she is afraid if she gets Caleb back, she would lose Jonathan instead. ​Oooh, I like this. It says quite a lot about Madeleine actually that she's willing to possibly let someone die for the sake of a romantic entanglement lol. That makes her complicated and I like complicated characters.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think you're getting closer. I'm not sure if any one else has other thoughts to add to it but I like this. It's hard for me to say at the moment if any specific parts need tightening up or not. I'd say try and find a few other people to read it through (outside of the forum if you can) but I think you're almost there! Good job!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#78 BetsyEm

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Posted Yesterday, 02:15 PM

I built a little more on Jonathan and Madeleine, so we'll see how that sounds. I moved a sentence from the third paragraph to the second because it seemed to make more sense there. Also, I use the word humanity twice and I feel like too close together. If you think it's fine, let me know, or if you have ideas for another word, that would be great too. Thank you!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

After the disappearance of her good friend and ex, Caleb, Madeleine begins to fear the worst. As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - it’s her job to fight off a rising threat to humanity.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, her worst fears play at the edge of her mind as she battles the Plague. Is her worst fear that they took Caleb? They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole soulless/sole is a bit too close together here purpose of devouring humanity I see what you mean here. Maybe human kind?. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague.

 

Madeleine pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she grows closer to Jonathan, feeling herself drawn to his mystery and his charm. His subtle touches and his words intrigue and confuse her. She is not giving up on a relationship between them, even though she is Nephilim and is not allowed to date humans. She is not giving up on the fact that his words always tell her to stay away. She knows he wants her to come back. Knowing him would mean everything to her, and knowing his secrets could lead her to Caleb. But she is afraid if she gets Caleb back, she would lose Jonathan instead. Does Jonathan have a reason to be threatened? Even if Caleb was her boyfriend and not just her good friend, would that really stop someone from trying to help get them back from the Plague? What are the universe stakes? Does she have to choose between getting Caleb back and saving the souls of her town? You start out with a battle with the Plague but then lose that thread in favor of a love triangle. I'd like to see that back a bit. 

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I purposefully haven't read your other drafts, just so you know. 

 

Is Caleb Nephilim or human? Was he part of her army? Everyone has a pretty cut-and-dry human name, so I'm a little confused about who is what. Is Jonathan just Some Guy? What are his credentials, or connection to the plague that will help save Caleb?

 

I think this is really intriguing! Balancing the romance with the war I think will really push this forward! 


Currently working on my query for The Great and Terrible Carter Dynasty


#79 Dasein

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Posted Yesterday, 04:01 PM

I can't seem to figure out how to do this the clever way, so some straight rewrites of paragraphs are below.

Rewrite of second paragraph: Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, she fears fighting the Plague. They are soulless, vile creatures with the sole purpose of devouring humanity. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. She runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan in the place where Caleb vanished. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague.


Rewrite of next paragraph: Madeleine grows closer to Jonathan. His subtle touches and his words intrigue and confuse her. But he is human and she is Nephilim, so is not allowed to date humans. His words always tell her to stay away, but she knows he wants her to come back. She want to also, and knowing his secrets could lead her to Caleb. But she is afraid if she gets Caleb back, she would lose Jonathan forever.

#80 HeatherBlue

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Posted Yesterday, 06:17 PM

I took what I could from each critique, so thank you! I tried to add in that the war is still going on in the third paragraph, so I hope I balanced it enough. Let me know what you think! Thank you!

 

 

Dear Agent or Publisher,

 

As a new Guardian in an army of Nephilim - human and Angel hybrids - Madeleine’s job is to fight off a rising threat to humanity. After the disappearance of her friend and fellow Nephilim, Caleb, she begins to fear the worst.

 

Although Madeleine enjoys fighting, the Plague are a new being that she had not predicted. They are soulless, vile creatures with the purpose of devouring humankind. She suspects they are responsible for Caleb’s disappearance. As she hunts the Plague and searches for Caleb, she runs into a mysterious man named Jonathan, the only person she can find where Caleb vanished. She suspects Jonathan might know something about Caleb - but she is unsure if he shares a connection with the Plague.

 

Madeleine grows closer to Jonathan. His subtle touches and his words intrigue and confuse her. But she is human and he is Nephilim, and a relationship between them is not allowed. She continues to visit him after long nights of fighting the Plague, still wondering if he holds a connection to them or to Caleb. Though his energy feels human to her, she is starting to question herself. His words always tell her to stay away, but she knows he wants her to come back. Knowing him would mean everything to her, and knowing his secrets could lead her to Caleb. But she is afraid if she gets Caleb back, she could lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 95,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.






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