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THE REAPING (YA fantasy)


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#61 HeatherBlue

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 01:37 PM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)

 

I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.

 

I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.

 

Revision #32:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague are killing with their venom as the Nephilim and Angels eliminate these soulless beings, but strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him.

 

Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. But Jonathan is always telling her she should stay away. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well.

 

(finalized closing paragraph)



#62 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 08:54 PM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)
 
I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.
 
I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.
 
Revision #32:
 
Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague are killing with their venom as the Nephilim and Angels eliminate these soulless beings, but strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him.

So this is taking place pre deluge times? I know what a Nephilim is and if you use the term it puts your story in a specific time in Biblical history.
 
Madeleine goes to the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone, but lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what he’s hiding. He is the only one where her friend disappeared. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. But Jonathan is always telling her she should stay away. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan as well.
 
(finalized closing paragraph)


I am immediately lost from jump street. This sounds like an alien or created world. And yet you are setting it between the end of Eden and the Deluge.

Jonathan being the priest is clear enough to me, but this other matter is making my mind spin.
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#63 RMLucas

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:41 AM

Any unnecessary information or anything that doesn't fit in with the rest? Thanks! (I kind of feel like paragraph two may have a little bit too much)

 

I'm just wondering if I need to mention that anyone else are also looking for him, or if I should just stick with Madeleine. I just know some people don't understand why that's all that she's doing, but it's because she's doing her job and someone else is doing his but I can't incorporate too many people so I don't mention his name. I just say someone else is doing a job that's a part of finding him too, going into the Plague's house. I felt like maybe that would clear up a little bit of how it seems like she's not doing much. She also hunts the Plague every night and goes to school, but I don't want to focus on the mundane stuff. I also wanted to reveal one of Jonathan's secrets because it seems to make him less credible and give her more reason for suspicion.

 

I would also like to know that when I first mention "the priest" if it is clear that when I say Jonathan right after that he is, in fact, the priest.

 

Revision #32:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured by the Plague. The Plague ( you may need to clarify better what the plague is. Gives us a better picture what they are. creatures that spit venom? is the venom in their weapons? etc.) are killing with their venom as the other Nephilims and Angels eliminate them these soulless beings, (separate this next sentence)But strong-willed Madeleine is going to find Caleb no matter who she has to fight to get to him. stands in her way. (Remember to focus on the MC. Introducing the Plague in your hook may detract from your MC.

 

Madeleine goes to  (try something like, Madeleine begins her search at )the church where Caleb’s scent has vanished.  She doesn’t expect to find anyone (Why not? Is it off hours? Why would the church be open if there wasn't anyone there?), but instead meets Jonathan, the church's priest. lingering behind the altar is a priest. Jonathan  He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. At the same time, she is burning to know what But despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. He is the only one where her friend disappeared (This sentence doens't make a lot of sense. Had to read it a couple of times). She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb (? i thought he was just a friend. Maybe introduce him as a boyfriend or ex on the first paragraph.) as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but she is not the only one looking for Caleb. Madeleine and her friends are infiltrating the home of the Plague to see if Caleb is being hidden where the creatures stay. She is doing her job looking for him while questioning Jonathan, bringing in her own piece of the puzzle. but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive (I feel like you could condense these last few sentences a lot). When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead as well.

 

(finalized closing paragraph)

 

The story sound interesting, but your query is kind of all over the place. A lot of the sentences could be written a little clearer, and a lot of the information isn't necessary. Just focus on the MC, the obstacles that prevent her from getting her goal, and the stakes. I do like the last couple of sentences of your query.  The hook needs a little work too. The plague left me a little confused since I didn't know they were creatures. You have made great progress and you are in the right direction. Just remember to keep it simple and as clear as possible. I know its hard with all the information you have in your book, but its possible. Good job and good luck. Thanks for your critique!!



#64 HeatherBlue

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 06:39 PM

So I dropped the Plague from the hook, though I did hint that he's been taken by something. I introduced them in the second paragraph instead, but I couldn't seem to find a way to fit a really solid description of them in with the rest of the story. It's like it's a completely separate thing from the way this is going. It's almost like I either need to say Caleb is missing and that the Plague have taken him and she talks to Jonathan to find out more, or I need to make it about her fighting the Plague, but that sort of gives her no real personal motivation. So I left a full description of the Plague out. Now, if any of you think it absolutely has to be there and that just letting the reader know they are creatures is not good enough, then let me know. But if you do think I need a fuller description, then I would like to know where you think it can actually fit in smoothly. Thank you for the critiques! I appreciate them so much! I'm so excited to finish this thing!

 

Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:

 

Revision #33:

 

Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured. Despite their romantic past, she is going to find Caleb no matter who stands in her way - even if they are soulless creatures that can kill her.

 

The Plague are the soulless creatures she suspects. Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim are eliminating them, but she decides to begin a search for Caleb at the church where his scent vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone this late after a hunt for the Plague, but she meets Jonathan, the church’s priest. He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. Despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.

 

Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#65 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:30 PM

Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:
 
For me confusion is this

https://en.m.wikiped...g/wiki/Nephilim

It's like someone referring to their creations as Java Men but then setting the story in modern day. It is jarring and problematical for me. That might just be me.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#66 VickieJack

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:47 PM

So I dropped the Plague from the hook, though I did hint that he's been taken by something. I introduced them in the second paragraph instead, but I couldn't seem to find a way to fit a really solid description of them in with the rest of the story. It's like it's a completely separate thing from the way this is going. It's almost like I either need to say Caleb is missing and that the Plague have taken him and she talks to Jonathan to find out more, or I need to make it about her fighting the Plague, but that sort of gives her no real personal motivation. So I left a full description of the Plague out. Now, if any of you think it absolutely has to be there and that just letting the reader know they are creatures is not good enough, then let me know. But if you do think I need a fuller description, then I would like to know where you think it can actually fit in smoothly. Thank you for the critiques! I appreciate them so much! I'm so excited to finish this thing!
 
Also, I included my last paragraph. There are not many people that say this, but a couple have. Some people are confused about the time period. In my opinion, it shouldn't be included unless it's set in some period that is not present-day. I also know there are a lot of modern Nephilim stories out now, and don't quite understand the confusion that talking about Nephilim means I'm writing this in a long ago time period. The setting is not a terribly important thing to my book, but I included it in the closing paragraph this time. Let me know if you think it should be there, or if it sounds stupid, you can tell me that too.  :smile:
 
Revision #33:
 
Eighteen-year-old Nephilim Madeleine fears her friend Caleb has been captured.

To my knowledge NEPHILIM are men exclusively. And existed prior to Noah and The Ark.

Despite their romantic past, she is going to find Caleb no matter who stands in her way - even if they are soulless creatures that can kill her.


I like this.
 
The Plague are the soulless creatures she suspects. Madeleine and the rest of the Nephilim are eliminating them, but she decides to begin a search for Caleb at the church where his scent vanished. She doesn’t expect to find anyone this late after a hunt for the Plague, but she meets Jonathan, the church’s priest. He is mysterious and beautiful, igniting something inside of her. Despite her attraction, she knows he’s hiding something. She pushes away her romantic past with Caleb as she spends more time with Jonathan, but she can’t silence the voice that tells her he knows something about her ex that she doesn’t. She questions him every night after hunting the Plague, but Jonathan remains evasive and secretive. She now wonders if the Plague are the reason for Caleb’s disappearance, or if Jonathan is, and she is confused as she cannot find a way to link the two together. When he confesses to her that he’s not a priest, she is relieved more than alarmed, but it also means he could be lying about everything else. If she can’t get him to reveal the rest of his secrets, she could lose Caleb forever. And in revealing them, she could lose Jonathan instead.
 
Set in present-day Ellensburg, Washington, and told through multiple perspectives, THE REAPING is a 97,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Like my story, some of your representations - like the House of Night series - include headstrong characters and teen romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is tight. I like it. But ummmm if it is in present time then please explain how this race that existed millions of years ago now re-exists...and how women became included. Or perhaps invent a new race entirely.

#67 lnloft

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 08:06 PM

Man, I had all my nephilim exposure from Supernatural, so I had no clue how much variation is out there until I did a quick Google search on this. I was totally cool with nephilim being modern-day beings and female, but again, avid Supernatural watcher here. But then that does lead to the thought that this sort of thing is acceptable with urban fantasy (which is basically what you have). Urban fantasy can often take a supernatural element and bend it to their own lore. But, if this is a concern... why not just cut the term nephilim from the query for now, and just use "angel-human hybrid"? That way you're shedding the potential baggage that might come with the term nephilim, and once you've nabbed your agent, you can discuss with them how well it works to keep calling them nephilim. Anyone else have any thoughts on this route?



#68 Sataris

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 08:42 PM

why not just cut the term nephilim from the query for now, and just use "angel-human hybrid"? That way you're shedding the potential baggage that might come with the term nephilim, and once you've nabbed your agent, you can discuss with them how well it works to keep calling them nephilim. Anyone else have any thoughts on this route?

 

I agree. I'm not the target market here but I don't really have much of a concrete idea of what a nephilim really is. Seems like there's no real positive to leading with it (aside from it being more concise) when it's possible that the agent will have a different idea of what a nephilim is in their head, or might not even know what one is at all (unlikely maybe, but possible). Even just in general, I'm rarely a fan of using a proper name to describe something when you're probably just going to have to describe it anyway (as in the case of the Plague).


No current query.





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