Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Patriot's Warning

Fiction Thrillers/Suspense

  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 C. C. Carroll

C. C. Carroll

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 150 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch, notta', none.

Posted 06 November 2017 - 04:13 PM

I'm ready for more pain.

I'll pass along the misery...

Thank you!

 

New query in Post #8

 

 

Dear...

 

The fight for freedom isn’t gender neutral.

 

TV talk show host Sierra Nicole retrieves the ringing phone from her purse and scoffs when the caller claims the president is corrupt.

 

Though she’s a staunch supporter of President Kimber, the caller manages to intrigue Sierra. At the last minute, she decides to meet him and see his so-called evidence. Instead, she witnesses his murder and begins to question her loyalty to the president. When men threaten to harm her family unless she keeps quiet about what she may have been told, fear replaces doubt. But she can’t toss out blind accusations or endanger her loved ones without evidence.

 

The caller’s predictions become reality, and Sierra is torn between guilt and gratitude. She was able to prepare, but she knows her cowardly decision not to share the warning will cause millions to suffer. To appease her guilt, Sierra makes it her mission to protect and provide for her family and neighbors and vows to stop the president.

 

Her tasks become a deadly game: one that could cost her freedom — or possibly her life.

 

THE PATRIOT’S WARNING, fiction – suspense, is complete at 98,000 words. 



#2 lnloft

lnloft

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 110 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 06 November 2017 - 04:48 PM

Ah, yes, we all relish the pain on this board...

I'm ready for more pain.

I'll pass along the misery...

Thank you!

 

Dear...

 

Freedom isn’t gender neutral. This is too vague for an effective hook. Doesn't give me a good sense of what the story is about.

 

TV talk show host Sierra Nicole retrieves the ringing phone from her purse and scoffs when the caller claims the president is corrupt.

 

A sycophant for President Kimber, she Sierra begins to question her loyalty after witnessing the informant’s murder. When men threaten to harm her family unless she keeps quiet about what she may have been told, fear replaces doubt. But she can’t toss out blind accusations or endanger her loved ones without evidence. More details, please. If she scoffed at the call, then why is she still in a location to witness the informant's murder? Wouldn't Sierra just laugh them off and that would be the end? Also, maybe more details on why she's a sycophant for Kimber. Is he charismatic and handsome? Does he hand out harsh justice? Is he laying out policies that are helping the poor? Telling us why Sierra thinks Kimber is awesome also tells us something about Sierra.

 

The country is tossed into chaos How?, and Sierra is torn between guilt and gratitude. Why for both of these emotions? She was able to prepare, but she knows her cowardly decision not to share the warning will cause millions to suffer. To appease her guilt, Sierra makes it her mission to protect and provide for her family and neighbors and vows to stop the president.

 

Her tasks become a deadly game: one that could cost her freedom — or possibly her life. Details here, too, please.

 

THE PATRIOT’S WARNING, fiction – suspense, is complete at 98,000 words.  is a 98,000-word suspense novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Mostly right now, I want more details. Things are a little sparse. Some will just enrich the query (like showing us why Sierra is thrilled with Kimber), while others will help explain how we get from point A to point B (like how we get from a murdered informant to the country in chaos. Definitely missing a step there).

 

Keep tinkering. Good luck.



#3 C. C. Carroll

C. C. Carroll

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 150 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch, notta', none.

Posted 06 November 2017 - 06:14 PM

Ah, yes, we all relish the pain on this board...

Mostly right now, I want more details. Things are a little sparse. Some will just enrich the query (like showing us why Sierra is thrilled with Kimber), while others will help explain how we get from point A to point B (like how we get from a murdered informant to the country in chaos. Definitely missing a step there).

 

Keep tinkering. Good luck.

Thanks. Good grief! You'd think after a hundred tries you'd figure it out!



#4 C. C. Carroll

C. C. Carroll

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 150 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch, notta', none.

Posted 06 November 2017 - 06:36 PM

Ah, yes, we all relish the pain on this board...

Mostly right now, I want more details. Things are a little sparse. Some will just enrich the query (like showing us why Sierra is thrilled with Kimber), while others will help explain how we get from point A to point B (like how we get from a murdered informant to the country in chaos. Definitely missing a step there).

 

Keep tinkering. Good luck.

I posted a new version in the first post. Thanks!



#5 NGrzesik

NGrzesik

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 07 November 2017 - 01:14 AM

Dear...

 

 

The fight for freedom isn’t gender neutral. After reading your entire query, I'm confused on how this relates to the rest. 

 

TV talk show host Sierra Nicole retrieves the ringing phone from her purse and scoffs when the caller claims the president is corrupt. Is this the President of the United States? If so, I think it'd hold more weight if you said "President of the United States". Also, just saying that he/she is "corrupt" just isn't enticing enough. Get a tad more specific.

 

Though she’s a staunch supporter of President Kimber, the caller manages to intrigue Sierra. I think it would spark the reader's interest more if you said what, exactly, the president is being accused of. At the last minute, she decides to meet him and see his so-called evidence. Instead, she witnesses his murder and begins to question her loyalty to the president Why is this? Does she blame the president for his death?. When men threaten to harm her family unless she keeps quiet about what she may have been told, fear replaces doubt. But she can’t toss out blind accusations or endanger her loved ones without evidence.

 

The caller’s predictions become reality Yeah, it'd be way cooler if you said what the predictions were. A war? The country's demise?, and Sierra is torn between guilt and gratitude Maybe replace "attitude" with "relief". She was able to prepare, but she knows her cowardly decision not to share the warning will cause millions to suffer. To appease her guilt, Sierra makes it her mission to protect and provide for her family and neighbors and vows to stop the president. What does the President want to do??

 

Her tasks become a deadly game: one that could cost her freedom — or possibly her life. Good

 

THE PATRIOT’S WARNING, fiction – suspense, is complete at 98,000 words. 

 

This is the kind of stuff I like to read, it's like a conspiracy. I love it.

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query, it actually helped me a lot. I agree when you say that you should "hook" your agent, and not give everything away. But it's also not the worst thing to get specific, because otherwise you come of being vague. 

 

Best of luck in the query trenches :)


If you found my suggestions to be helpful, I'd appreciate if you took a look at my query for Ruptured Sky. Thanks. 


#6 jaustail

jaustail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 465 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, Literary Orphans Magazine.

Posted 07 November 2017 - 02:53 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear...

 

The fight for freedom isn’t gender neutral(it took me a while to understand this sentence).

 

TV talk show host Sierra Nicole retrieves the ringing phone from her purse and scoffs when the caller claims the president is corrupt.(all politicians are corrupt, so why is she surprised)

 

Though she’s a staunch supporter of President Kimber, the caller manages to intrigue Sierra. At the last minute, she decides to meet him and see his so-called evidence. Instead, she witnesses his murder(maybe show this. does he get shot, or does is neck get slit?) and begins to question her loyalty to the president. When men threaten to harm her family unless she keeps quiet about what she may have been told, fear replaces doubt. But she can’t toss out blind accusations or endanger her loved ones without evidence.

 

The caller’s predictions become reality, and Sierra is torn between guilt and gratitude(gratitude toward whom?). She was able to prepare, but she knows her cowardly decision not to share the warning will cause millions to suffer. To appease her guilt, Sierra makes it her mission to protect and provide for her family and neighbors and vows to stop the president.

 

Her tasks become a deadly game: one that could cost her freedom — or possibly her life.

 

THE PATRIOT’S WARNING, fiction – suspense, is complete at 98,000 words. 

 

 

I don't know what to say. The writing is clear, but I'm struggling with query letter myself, so don't know what to say. You didn't add comp titles. This reminded me of that book where the president sleeps with some woman and kills her, and then the crime is recorded, and the president's guards end up killing people just to get hold of the tape.



#7 C. C. Carroll

C. C. Carroll

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 150 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch, notta', none.

Posted 07 November 2017 - 06:54 AM

Thanks, NGrzesik and Jaustail.

You both are saying basically the same thing. I decided to cut certain things from my query since I was getting no response from agents.

Guess it wasn't a good idea.

I'll post a new one in spot #1 when I revise it.



#8 C. C. Carroll

C. C. Carroll

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 150 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch, notta', none.

Posted 07 November 2017 - 07:34 AM

Political talk show host Sierra Nicole, a staunch supporter of the president, scoffs when an informant claims he has proof that President Kimber is involved in a deadly conspiracy.

 

She decides to see his evidence, but the informant is murdered before their meeting. Sierra can’t help wondering if it was an assassination and begins to question her loyalty. Fear replaces doubt once men threaten to harm her family unless she keeps quiet, but she can’t toss out blind accusations or endanger her loved ones without the evidence. Confused and afraid, Sierra takes leave from her show.

 

An epidemic tosses the country into pandemonium and results in martial law and diminishing rights. Aware of the possibility, Sierra had prepared, but she knows her cowardly decision not to share the warning will cause millions to suffer. To appease her guilt, she makes it her mission to protect and provide for her family and neighbors and vows to make the president pay.

 

Her tasks become a deadly game: one that could cost her freedom — or possibly her life.

 

THE PATRIOT’S WARNING, fiction – suspense, is complete at 98,000 words. 







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Thrillers/Suspense

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users