Insert line breaks between each paragraph.
When eighteen-year-old Helios accepts a job
offer from Lord Appius to be a chaperone his for the noble’s son Hector, little does he doesn't suspect that soon in less than two months, Lord Appius will die be dead by Helios’ own hand. This is a good hook, but wordy. You need to tighten it somehow.
Thirteen at the time of his Father’s death, Hector has been seeking vengeance for three years as a soldier in the Imperial Army. What? I thought we were talking about Helios? He seemed like the MC in your hook. And I thought Hector's dad was alive (he hired Hector). When his battalion is captured by a Rebel squadron, Hector is shocked to find that among his captors stands Helios. Revenge will be in grasp--if he can only escape captivity. Oh, I see, this paragraph starts after the hook. Often the hook gives kind of an overview -- like I would start reading the rest of the query to find out how it happens that Helios might kill Lord Appius. That's not clear; you need to make it clear. Also, I'm confused now re your MC. Is it Helios or Hector? Another issue: You should avoid having two main characters whose names start with the same letter. Down the road, it's likely an editor will make you change one of their names.
Helios wants to atone for the murder of Lord Appius, but he also has to do his job as a Rebel captain--a job that includes bringing in Imperial prisoners for execution. The decision only becomes tougher when he stumbles upon a secret about Lord Appius’ murder that makes blame far more difficult to point out. What secret? Suddenly Helios himself might be on the dossier of future targets--and so might his little sister. . . This paragraph is too vague.
As mysteries mount and battle lines blur, both Helios and Hector are forced to consider an unlikely possibility. Should they work together? Avoid these questions in a query. Agents hate them.
In a land where armies clash and myths become reality, the assassination of a noble holds secrets that could determine the fate of the world. What noble? This is too vague to be stakes.
SHADOW OF THE LION LORD is a YA Epic Fantasy novel with series potential, reminiscent of John Flanagan’s Ranger’s Apprentice series, and the anime Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. My novel is told in multiple perspectives and alternates between the fall of three years ago, and present day. It is complete at approximately 85K words.
Thank you for your time and consideration
So I was confused in your query re who is the MC. I was also confused re the details of the story.
Your hook is good in the sense that it makes me interested, but it doesn't work in the sense that your query just moves on from there. Your query needs to circle back to the dilemma of your hook. I thought the story would be about how Helios comes to kill Lord Appius, but in fact you never get back to that except with some vague hint. I would recommend you write the whole query with Helios as the MC -- it's mostly written like that already. Then write Hector relative to Helios, as Helios is impacted by Hector. Many novels have multiple narrators, but for your query you can only have one. It's just an issues of logistics -- not enough space. Choose one MC, focus on just him, what he wants, the obstacles he faces, the stakes if he fails. Good luck