I put my comments in parenthesis because for some reason my stupid computer won't let me quote your post or put my reply in color. Sorry.
The chill relaxes my trembling hands. (I got caught up on the word chill. Chill in the air? I'd clarify.) Even with the barrel of a revolver sticking into my side, I can’t help but love the San Francisco fog.
“Walk.” A delicate hand pushes the gun further into my ribs, and I pick up the pace, heading down the grimy post-industrial street. The light of the full moon shines down on my back. (If the moon is behind him, how does he know the moon is shining down on his back? He can't see back there.)
“Where are we going?” I ask, trying to sound as gruff and action-hero-like as a fifteen-year-old mathlete can. (I like this description.) I puff myself up and push out my chin, like an orangutan asserting his dominance to the troop. (Puff sounds like he's inflating haha. Maybe it's just a personal preference but it makes me think of the marshmallow man.) Power pose.
One of my three captors lets out a chuckle – my act didn’t take. (Oh, there's 3? Cool.)
“Shut up and move.” (Who said this? The captor who chuckled? If so it needs to be up behind "my act didn't take." If it's someone else you need to clarify who.) We turn down a side-street, Chinese characters and occult symbols spray painted on the alley walls. We’re close.
The girl with the gun is Alice Branda. Her oily black hair, forced into a tight bun, bumps into the massive sword strapped to her back. (So he knows the girl? I'd introduce her and her description in the beginning then when she first pushes the gun into his side.) At a slender 5’5, I’ve always wondered how she managed to lug that thing just about everywhere she went. Then again, I wonder lot of things about Alice. (This sentence feels like it's missing a word.) I never get any answers. Just a stray grunt here, or a sideways scowl there. A scowl like the one she’s giving me now, her dark eyes burning a hole into my head.
“Tell me where we’re going,” I say again. “Or I won’t lift a finger! How will you find him without my help?” (Now I'm intrigued. Who is him? Why do they need this guy to help find "him"? It makes me want to keep reading.)
No answer. The guild demanded that Alice keep me alive, at least until we finish the job. Looking at her face, brow furrowed in rage, I wonder if that’s a promise she’ll be able to keep.
“Keep walking, kid,” Ross snorts.
Ross and Cheng are the guild’s bloodhounds, usually charged with sniffing out supernatural baddies like Avery Wong. Or like me. This assignment is their way of testing my usefulness to the guild, a sort of warped entrance exam, with pointy stakes instead of No 2. pencils. So far, I’m on track to take home my first ever F-. (The last few sentences are amusing, which grabs my attention.)
Overall, I like it. It's intrigues me enough to want to keep reading. However, you introduce about 5 or 6 different people in 250 words so there's a little confusion as to who is who and what is going on. If you want to introduce this many characters is such a short space I'd work on clearing it up a bit. Hope any of this helps! If you could pop on over to mine and give me a critique I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you! http://agentquerycon...284-ya-fantasy/