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3rd QUERY REVISE: EMMA'S FOLLY

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#1 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 05:47 PM

 THE REVISED QUERY IS AT THE END OF THIS THREAD - XOXO

 

 

 

Hello Everyone,

     I would greatly appreciate any suggestions on my query for Emma's Folly - I'd be happy to help anyone else out in return! XOXO

 

 

 

In the lush farmland just south of Duluth, Minnesota, on a wistful day in the garden 24-year-old wife and mother, Emma, lets her gaze wander and in that instant her toddler, Jonah, slips into a muddy pond. Emma throws herself in after him and the next thing she knows they are being pulled to shore by a charismatic grifter just up from Texas and looking for field work. But is Brooks Davis looking for more?

 

Emma has always played her life safe choosing marriage to Nathaniel and a baby over a job off the farm in the fast-growing city of Minneapolis. But now, after losing her only child and her own brush with death, she wonders if her days of routine chores, canning pickles and milking cows can ever be enough.

 

Emma is strangely drawn to Brooks for saving her life. His presence during the harvest is like a bolt of lightning – exciting at a distance, but dangerous close up. In the hopes of renewing Emma’s spirits, Nathaniel convinces her to take a shopping weekend with her spirited only sister, Jo, and deposit their harvest bonus in their bank near The Hotel Duluth where the sisters will stay. Emma gets caught up in the joy that has disappeared from her life and forgets to make the deposit. When Brooks shows up in the hotel bar and when cocktails infuse her pent up emotions of guilt and grief, she overdrinks. Brooks helps a woozy Emma to her room igniting a spark between them, but before they can make love, Emma passes out. The following morning, she awakens to discover that Brooks has taken off with their hard-earned cash. When Nathaniel goes after Brooks it kicks off a string of events that push the changing foundation of Emma’s marriage to the breaking point.

 

Emma is faced with a risky choice: rediscover the vibrant girl she used to be and chance blowing the lid off her safe but somewhat stagnant marriage, or stay in the hum-drum of her life and watch her spirit slowly fade away.

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of survival after tragedy opens the flood gates on a marriage drifting toward the mundane and of the ability of love to renew and heal beyond what has been lost. Upmarket commercial, women’s fiction complete at 96,066 words. I have previously published two other novels that can be found on Amazon. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,



#2 Daisy

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 06:53 PM

Hello Everyone,

     I would greatly appreciate any suggestions on my query for Emma's Folly - I'd be happy to help anyone else out in return! XOXO

 

 

 

In the lush farmland just south of Duluth, Minnesota, on a wistful day in the garden 24-year-old wife and mother, Emma, lets her gaze wander and in that instant her toddler, Jonah, slips into a muddy pond. Emma throws herself in after him and the next thing she knows they are being pulled to shore by a charismatic grifter just up from Texas and looking for field work. But is Brooks Davis looking for more?

 

​You've used too many unnecessary words and it's not drawing me in. Try and make this feel more urgent. I mean...the protag's kid fell into a pond and was rescued by a stranger.  Add more oomph here because - as it is now - it reads more like a to-do list.  This is where you have to grab hold of me and pull me in. Tug at my emotions.  I don't need to know it was a wistful day.  For your query, every word counts so choose them carefully. Stick to more active verbs rather than adverbs and adjectives. Your writing will come across much stronger. 

 

 

​Off the top of my head:

 

 

​When Emma Smith jumps into a pond in a frantic attempt to rescue her x-year old son, she is the one pulled to safety.   Brooks Davis, a charismatic grifter... 

​That's just off the top of my head, but it feels more urgent. Tugs at the heart strings more, which is what you want. 

 

 

 

 

Emma has always played her life safe choosing marriage to Nathaniel and a baby over a job off the farm in the fast-growing city of Minneapolis. ​You really need to pay closer attention to your punctuation.  But now, after losing her only child and her own brush with death, she wonders if her days of routine chores, canning pickles and milking cows can ever be enough. ​These are two long, boring sentences. LOL  Sorry... :blush:  You want to hook me with your opening and then continue to reel me in.  I'm not hooked.   Make your sentences short and snappy. Make your reader dance over your words.

 

 

 

​Emma's always played it safe. 

 

 

​Tell me something about Nathaniel.  Is he her childhood sweetheart or something?  Right now, you're just telling me he was a safe choice, but I don't know why.  

 

​Emma's always played it safe. She married her high school sweetheart, had a baby, and...

 

 

Emma is strangely drawn to Brooks for saving her life. ​Kill your adverbs. If you use an adverb, nine times out of ten it's because you need a stronger verb.  Your sentences are stronger without them. We know Emma plays it safe.  We know it's strange for her to be drawn to Brooks.  Your sentence is stronger without the adverb.  She IS drawn to Brooks for saving her life.  Period.

 

 

 

 

His presence during the harvest is like a bolt of lightning – exciting at a distance, but dangerous close up. ​This sentence is cliché.  I'd lose it as it adds nothing to your query.

 

 

In the hopes of renewing Emma’s spirits, Nathaniel convinces her to take a shopping weekend with her spirited only sister, Jo, and deposit their harvest bonus in their bank near The Hotel Duluth where the sisters will stay. ​Play around with this sentence some more.  It's not doing anything for me. Make it sound more urgent.  Remember, your opening sentence is to hook me and you should be building tension with each sentence until I can't take it anymore and HAVE to read more.  

 

​If I was an agent, I'd stop reading here.  I'm just not hooked.   :blush:  Keep tweaking so I'm sucked in.  You can do it!   :biggrin: 

 

 

Emma gets caught up in the joy that has disappeared from her life and forgets to make the deposit. ​Did she ever have joy?  I thought she just played it safe all her life?  I'd think she's more likely to be caught up in a brand new excitement. 

 

 

When Brooks shows up in the hotel bar and when cocktails infuse her pent up emotions of guilt and grief, she overdrinks. Brooks helps a woozy Emma to her room igniting a spark between them, but before they can make love, Emma passes out. The following morning, she awakens to discover that Brooks has taken off with their hard-earned cash.  gosh!:  ​THIS!!!!!  This is good.  I was NOT expecting this!  Tweak this some more and again...pay attention to your punctuation.  

 

 

When Nathaniel goes after Brooks it kicks off a string of events that push the changing foundation of Emma’s marriage to the breaking point  ​And....if falls flat here.  "Kicks of a string of events that...." Boring. Cliché. Reword that part.  

 

 

Emma is faced with a risky choice: rediscover the vibrant girl she used to be and chance blowing the lid off her safe but somewhat stagnant marriage, or stay in the hum-drum of her life and watch her spirit slowly fade away. ​Tighten up the wording here.  

 

 

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of survival after tragedy opens the flood gates on a marriage drifting toward the mundane and of the ability of love to renew and heal beyond what has been lost. Upmarket commercial, women’s fiction complete at 96,066 words. I have previously published two other novels that can be found on Amazon. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Good luck! You're off to a good start!  

Can't wait to see your revisions.   :smile:



#3 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 12:29 AM

Oh! Wow! This is an awesome response! Thank you so much!  XOXO  I will get back to work!



#4 Springfield

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 01:06 AM

Hello Everyone,

     I would greatly appreciate any suggestions on my query for Emma's Folly - I'd be happy to help anyone else out in return! XOXO

 

 

 

In the lush farmland just south of Duluth, Minnesota, on a wistful day I give, what the heck is a wistful day? in the garden 24-year-old wife and mother, Emma, lets her gaze wander and in that instant her toddler, Jonah, slips into a muddy pond. Emma throws herself in after him and the next thing she knows they are being pulled to shore by a charismatic grifter just up from Texas and looking for field work. But is Brooks Davis looking for more? The hell would I know?

 

Emma has always played her life safe choosing marriage to Nathaniel and a baby over a job off the farm in the fast-growing city of Minneapolis. When is this set? I think Minneapolis is pretty well grown.Also, were you attacked by a comma as a small child and now fear them? But now, after losing her only child What? and her own brush with death, she wonders if her days of routine chores, canning pickles and milking cows can ever be enough. WHAT? Ok, I think you're saying the kid died -- that's not at all clear from the first paragraph, which reads like a standard romance setup. You say he pulled them both to shore. If her kid actually died, why in the world would she or the reader be thinking about whether the guy has the hots for her? I'm getting a load of ick from this atm. Also... her kid died and she's wondering if farm life is fulfilling? What is going on? 

 

Emma is strangely drawn to Brooks for saving her life. That's not at all strange. His presence during the harvest is like a bolt of lightning – exciting at a distance, but dangerous close up. In the hopes of renewing Emma’s spirits, Nathaniel convinces her to take a shopping weekend with her spirited only sister, Jo, and deposit their harvest bonus in their bank near The Hotel Duluth where the sisters will stay. Everyone in this query seems inhuman? Deeply odd at any rate, and I ask again when the heck this is set. Emma gets caught up in the joy that has disappeared from her life and forgets to make the deposit. She's caught up in the joy of shopping? I... is she supposed to be an unlikable character? She's awful.When Brooks shows up in the hotel bar and when cocktails infuse her pent up emotions of guilt and grief, she overdrinks. With what? Brooks helps a woozy Emma to her room igniting a spark between them, but before they can make love, Emma passes out. The following morning, she awakens to discover that Brooks has taken off with their hard-earned cash. When Nathaniel goes after Brooks it kicks off a string of events that push the changing foundation of Emma’s marriage to the breaking point. Good. Run, Nathaniel. This is also entirely vague and way too much step-by-step info. 

 

 

 

 

Emma is faced with a risky choice: rediscover the vibrant girl she used to be and chance blowing the lid off her safe but somewhat stagnant marriage, or stay in the hum-drum of her life and watch her spirit slowly fade away.

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of survival after tragedy opens the flood gates on a marriage drifting toward the mundane and of the ability of love to renew and heal beyond what has been lost. Upmarket commercial, women’s fiction complete at 96,066 words. I have previously published two other novels that can be found on Amazon. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

I don't get a sense of what this is meant to be from this query, and it really doesn't read upmarket or cfic to me at all. It reads like kind of a weird genre romance. 

 

I guessed at your wordcount from the overwriting in the query and the wc was still over. That's very high for something like this, and it shows. 

 

The pressing issue though is to clarify what's going on here -- I don't get any stakes, I don't really get the plot, like I said it reads like a genre romance with a weird opener, and your MC is coming off, o me at least, as kind of really unlikable,to say the least. Also, if this is a period thing, I'd suggest making that clear.



#5 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 03:31 PM

Thank you so MUCH for this feedback - I truly appreciate it! 



#6 ARDavis

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Posted 13 November 2017 - 09:40 PM

In the lush farmland just south of Duluth, Minnesota, on a wistful day in the garden 24-year-old wife and mother, Emma, lets her gaze wander and in that instant her toddler, Jonah, slips into a muddy pond. (This sentence is muddy. Get to the point where the kid drowns, would make it pop and make someone want to keep reading.) Emma throws herself in after him and the next thing she knows they are being pulled to shore by a charismatic grifter just up from Texas and looking for field work. But is Brooks Davis looking for more? 

 

Emma has always played her life safe choosing marriage to Nathaniel and a baby over a job off the farm in the fast-growing city of Minneapolis. (But doesn't she live in Duluth?) But now, after losing her only child and her own brush with death, she wonders if her days of routine chores, canning pickles and milking cows can ever be enough. (So the kid didn't get saved? The earlier sentence made it seem like this Brooks guy saved them.)

 

Emma is strangely drawn to Brooks for saving her life. (Is that all that draws her to him?) His presence during the harvest is like a bolt of lightning – exciting at a distance, but dangerous close up. (I really like this sentence. Lovely.) In the hopes of renewing Emma’s spirits, Nathaniel convinces her to take a shopping weekend with her spirited only sister, Jo, and deposit their harvest bonus in their bank near The Hotel Duluth where the sisters will stay. Emma gets caught up in the joy that has disappeared from her life and forgets to make the deposit. When Brooks shows up in the hotel bar and when cocktails infuse her pent up emotions of guilt and grief, she overdrinks. Brooks helps a woozy Emma to her room igniting a spark between them, but before they can make love, Emma passes out. The following morning, she awakens to discover that Brooks has taken off with their hard-earned cash. When Nathaniel goes after Brooks it kicks off a string of events that push the changing foundation of Emma’s marriage to the breaking point. (This reads too much like a summary, too much telling me this happens then this. What does this have to do with her losing her child? Or the impending romance? Get to the main conflict, explain what's at stake for Emma.)

 

Emma is faced with a risky choice: rediscover the vibrant girl she used to be and chance blowing the lid off her safe but somewhat stagnant marriage, or stay in the hum-drum of her life and watch her spirit slowly fade away. (that doesn't seem like a choice. it seems like what she would pick would be too obvious.)

 

Emma’s Folly (96,066) is a story of survival after tragedy opens the flood gates on a marriage drifting toward the mundane and of the ability of love to renew and heal beyond what has been lost. Upmarket commercial, women’s fiction complete at 96,066 words. I have previously published two other novels that can be found on Amazon. (All right, so it looks like you're in the same boat as me. I've had books published on Amazon. One was part of a long and horrible story I won't get into because it doesn't matter. The point is, I've been told that you only want to mention your self published work if it's done something significant, like sold 50K copies or something. But you can take that advice from me with a grain of salt, considering you're not trying to send those to a publisher and I have no insight to how agents think. Just something to think about.) Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

This letter needs a lot of clean up. I need to know what's at stake for Emma, what the plot is, etc. Pare this letter down into that and go from there. Good luck and I hope I helped! Also, I apologize if I come off as brusque: I've got a terrible cold and sometimes that can translate to me being b!tchy as hell lol. I promise your letter didn't make me angry or anything. Again, hope I gave some helpful advice. 



#7 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 04:45 PM

Hello Everyone:

     I am requesting feedback on my revised query letter for my novel, Emma's Folly ~ Thank you in advance and PLEASE let me know if I can be of help to anyone on anything - I would be happy to reciprocate! 

 

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Emma likes to play it safe. She prides herself on her good judgment. But one bad decision has led to another since the day in the garden when her eyes wandered from her small son, Jonah, and she survived by being pulled from the muddy pond that killed him. Now all Emma wants is to feel like herself again, but she can’t quite get there. Thinking that a change of scene might help, her husband Nathaniel entrusts her to deposit their harvest bonus money and take a weekend away with her sister, Jo. In another bad move, Emma arrives at the bank after closing.  

 

When Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas who’d been hired by Nathaniel as a field hand, shows up in the hotel bar where they are staying, Emma is caught off guard. Brooks is the one who saved her life that day with Jonah. Emma is drawn to him. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with Brooks. But before anything can happen between them, she passes out. In the morning Emma discovers that he has taken off with the money.

 

Emma has no choice but to tell Nathaniel what happened. Nathaniel chases Brooks to South Dakota and returns with the money. When the sheriff shows up with news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, Emma confronts Nathaniel. Nathaniel is vague at first but later spills his version of the story. Emma must decide if she believes her husband and what the consequences are for her life if she doesn’t

 

Emma’s Folly is commercial women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words comparable to The Silver Suitcase, by Terrie Todd and Leif Enger’s, Peace like a River. This is my fourth novel, two which I have self-published on Amazon.com. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,



#8 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 06:05 PM

Brenda Sorrels



#9 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 07:40 PM

Hello Everyone:

     I am requesting feedback on my revised query letter for my novel, Emma's Folly ~ Thank you in advance and PLEASE let me know if I can be of help to anyone on anything - I would be happy to reciprocate! 

 

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Emma likes to play it safe. She prides herself on her good judgment. But one bad decision has led to another since the day in the garden when her eyes wandered from her small son, Jonah, and she survived by being pulled from the muddy pond that killed him. Now all Emma wants is to feel like herself again, but she can’t quite get there. Thinking that a change of scene might help, her husband Nathaniel entrusts her to deposit their harvest bonus money and take a weekend away with her sister, Jo. In another bad move, Emma arrives at the bank after closing.   ​This just feels like a list of things happening. Jonah dying seems important and tugs at my heartstrings, but the paragraph doesn't hook me. It should be (traditionally) one sentence line that presents some unique information that I can't read and still live without reading more. 

 

When Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas who’d been hired by Nathaniel as a field hand, shows up in the hotel bar where they are staying, Emma is caught off guard ​why?. Brooks is the one who saved her life that day with Jonah. Emma is drawn to him. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with Brooks. But before anything can happen between them, she passes out. In the morning Emma discovers that he has taken off with the money. ​you might as well just start here. This is intriguing. The rest appears to be backstory/not of high enough interest to draw us in

 

Emma has no choice but to tell Nathaniel what happened. Nathaniel chases Brooks to South Dakota and returns with the money. When the sheriff shows up with news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, Emma confronts Nathaniel. Nathaniel is vague at first but later spills his version of the story ​which is...?. Emma must decide if she believes her husband and what the consequences are for her life if she doesn’t. ​Sorry, but these stakes don't seem that significant. Like, is her life being threatened if she doesn't believe him? or is it just a "our marriage will be changed"? 

 

Emma’s Folly is commercial women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words comparable to The Silver Suitcase, by Terrie Todd and Leif Enger’s, Peace like a River. This is my fourth novel, two which I have self-published on Amazon.com. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

​I would advise not putting your contact info on the Internet, though you should certainly send it to an agent.

Well, you have a start here. However, I think you're getting too bogged down by previous information that doesn't need to be in the query. This reads more like a list of happenings than a developing plotline. I would suggest starting with either the hook-up or Brooks being found dead, building the stakes of what specifically happens next and what choices Emma must make, then weaving in any necessary backstory along the way. 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#10 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 09:28 PM

Thank you! 

 

Yes, I went back and deleted that personal information - aarrrgh! 

 

You feedback was awesome and I truly appreciate it! 



#11 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 09:44 PM

Hello again,

     Here's another go ~ I appreciate any feedback and am happy to reciprocate any way I can. Thank you so much!

 

 

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

When twenty-four-year-old Emma spots Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas in the hotel bar where she is staying with her sister, Jo, she’s thrown back to that day in the garden when she let her eyes wander from her small son, Jonah. Brooks, hired by Emma’s husband, Nathaniel as a field hand, had pulled them from the muddy pond that killed Jonah.

 

Emma longs to adjust to her new normal, but her relationship with Nathaniel is strained and she is at a loss. Emma is drawn to the smart-mouthed man who saved her life. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with Brooks. But before anything happens between them, Emma passes out. In the morning she discovers that Brooks has taken off with the harvest bonus money Nathaniel had entrusted her to deposit.

 

 

Emma is forced to tell Nathaniel what happened and he chases Brooks to South Dakota before returning with the money. When the sheriff shows up with news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, Emma confronts Nathaniel who later admits that he unintentionally killed Brooks. Unable to believe, Emma follows Jo to an old mansion boarding house in Minneapolis and over the long cold winter – with the help of a wise, cranky landlady – Emma discovers that sometimes you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive others and the power of love to heal even the deepest wounds.

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of a marriage and a couple’s struggle with the unintended consequences of tragedy - when good people to make bad decisions. The book is commercial women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely



#12 RegE

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 10:21 PM

Hello again,

     Here's another go ~ I appreciate any feedback and am happy to reciprocate any way I can. Thank you so much!

 

 

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

When twenty-four-year-old Emma spots Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas in the hotel bar where she is staying with her sister, Jo, she’s thrown back to that day in the garden when she let her eyes wander from her small son, Jonah. Brooks, hired by Emma’s husband, Nathaniel as a field hand (TMI. We don't need to know this) had pulled them from the muddy pond that killed Jonah. ( As mentioned by other posters, this just doesn't have enough oomph. Her son drowned and you state it without any any emotion. It's said so matter of factly that it just doesn't grab the readers attention or interest)

 

Emma longs to adjust to her new normal, but Emma's relationship with her husband Nathaniel is strained by the loss of their child. Emma is drawn to Brooks (What does he offer that the husband doesn't?) the smart-mouthed man who saved her life. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with Brooks. But before anything happens between them, Emma passes out. In the morning she discovers that Brooks has taken off with the harvest bonus money Nathaniel had entrusted her to deposit. 

 

 

Emma is forced to tell Nathaniel what happened and he chases Brooks to South Dakota before returning with the money. When the sheriff shows up with news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, Emma confronts Nathaniel who later admits that he unintentionally killed Brooks.

 

Unable to believe, Emma follows Jo (Who is Jo!!??) to an old mansion boarding house in Minneapolis and over the long cold winter – with the help of a wise, cranky landlady – Emma discovers that sometimes you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive others and the power of love to heal even the deepest wounds. (This is where things go drastically down hill for me. There's an exciting murder , but then the query ends with this boring, forgiving yourself, love heals narrative. You want to leave the agent on the edge of their seats, not end with a resolution. )

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of a marriage and a couple’s struggle with the unintended consequences of tragedy - when good people to make bad decisions. The book is commercial women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely

 

To me this sounds very upmarket, and a little twee. The story and the writing style both convey this feeling.  I'm sure there is a market for this, but it is not me. Saying that, I have pitched in and offered some comments about your query.  I hope they help you. 



#13 Brenda Sorrels

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 08:34 PM

Hello again,

     Just start by thanking everyone who has reached out to help me here. I greatly appreciate it. PLEASE let me know if I can return any favors! 

 

Another revision of Emma's Folly.

 

Dear Agent:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Emma’s heart pounds when she spots Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas in the hotel bar where she is staying with her sister. She’s thrown back to that day in the garden when she let her eyes wander from her small son, Jonah, and Brooks had pulled them from the muddy pond that killed Jonah. Life’s been a cloudy blur ever since and Emma’s relationship with her husband, Nathaniel is strained by the loss of their child.  

 

Emma is drawn to Brooks. He’s good-looking, a big talker and smooth. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with him. But before anything happens between them, Emma passes out. In the morning she discovers that Brooks has taken off with the harvest bonus money Nathaniel had entrusted her to deposit.

 

When the sheriff shows up with the news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation in South Dakota, Emma is determined to discover the truth even if it means the end of her marriage.

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of a young couple’s struggle with the unintended consequences of tragedy - when good people to make bad decisions. Upmarket women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,



#14 RegE

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 08:57 PM

Hello again,

     Just start by thanking everyone who has reached out to help me here. I greatly appreciate it. PLEASE let me know if I can return any favors! 

 

Another revision of Emma's Folly.

 

Dear Agent:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Emma’s heart pounds when she spots Brooks Davis, a grifter just up from Texas in the hotel bar where she is staying with her sister. She’s thrown back to that day in the garden when she let her eyes wander from her small son, Jonah, and Brooks had pulled them from the muddy pond that killed Jonah (Say how she jumped into the pond trying to save her son, but they both got into trouble. It was too deep, the water too murky...... Brooks pulled them out, but it was too late for Jonah. He didn't survive. Upto you how you phrase this. I think showing this event will add more impact). Life’s been a cloudy blur ever since and Emma’s relationship with her husband, Nathaniel is strained by the loss of their child.  

 

Emma is drawn to Brooks. He’s good-looking, a big talker and smooth. She overdrinks and ends up back in her room with him. But before anything happens between them, Emma passes out. In the morning she discovers that Brooks has taken off with the harvest bonus money Nathaniel had entrusted her to deposit. (Good)

 

When the sheriff shows up with the news that Brooks has been found dead, torched in a tee-pee outside of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation in South Dakota, Emma is determined to discover the truth even if it means the end of her marriage. (Good)

 

Emma’s Folly is a story of a young couple’s struggle with the unintended consequences of tragedy - when good people to make bad decisions. Upmarket women’s fiction complete at 94,715 words. Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Ah, I think this is a definite improvement, but your opening paragraph still needs a little work.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Commercial Fiction, Womens Fiction

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