Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Ouroboros (Fantasy/Sci-fi)

Fantasy Science Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 lnloft

lnloft

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 110 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 November 2017 - 10:57 AM

Hey, everyone. Time for the next fun project. My synopsis is currently 1200 words (2 pages), so I'm not concerned about length, but that does mean I'm only placing the first portion here. My biggest concern is the start, anyway. I want to make sure that I'm effectively introducing the characters and the world without being confusing of dull. Again, this is only the beginning of my synopsis, not the entire thing. I know it's supposed to encompass the whole story, so please don't tell me this needs to include the ending. I know.

 

Anyway, any thoughts are appreciated. I'll continue to reciprocate feedback on queries/synopses.

 

-----

    Using great metal nihilships, humanity can traverse the Cipher, the void between the worlds. But only a rare group of people known as nihilempaths have the innate ability to pilot those ships, and most of those nihilempaths are in the employment of the Coalition, the worlds’ controversial unifying body.
    As one of the few independent nihilempaths, LARA KAVARIN (POV) instead makes a living scavenging old artifacts across the worlds. Her crew aboard the nihilship Ouroboros is small: Lara’s best friend, MAREI, a loyal cynic with the ability to manipulate darkness; Marei’s twin brother, ROSS, a people-pleaser who can manipulate light; and CENETTI, the staunch medic and Ross’s lover.
    Their explorations bring them to ruins in a remote world, where they discover a spike made of nil, the Cipher’s equivalent to matter. Immediately after, they are attacked by voidbanes, monstrous creatures that have escaped from the depths of the Cipher. Using the darkness as a weapon, Marei is able to hold the voidbanes at bay just long enough for the crew to escape, although Lara feels responsible for bringing her friends into the situation, even unwittingly.
    Lara pilots them to the populous world of Korrelia, where they can sell off the nil spike. No sooner have they arrived than Lara is rounded up by Coalition officials. They desperately need her help: one of their captains, AMERLAINE SILVER, has gone rogue. She’s taken their most powerful ship, the Empyrean, and slaughtered their nihilempaths, preventing pursuit. Worse, she has somehow procured a device that will allow her to open giant holes to the Cipher in all worlds, which will unleash voidbanes to cause millions of deaths. Reluctantly, Lara agrees to chase down Amerlaine with her crew, realizing that this is far bigger than her fear or her political disagreements with the Coalition. To aid the mission, the Coalition sends EVAINE, a socially uncomfortable specialist, and GIDEON, an inexperienced petty officer.
    Based off intel from Evaine, who was previously on Amerlaine’s crew, they set off for Darah, a world inhabited only by a small colony of cultists. Over the several-day journey, Lara and Gideon find themselves bonding, although their political differences about the Coalition leave a barrier between them. Halfway through the journey, Lara notices events repeating themselves and realizes they are caught in a loop—a short section of repeating time, with only nihilempaths remembering previous iterations of the loop. Lara successfully navigates them out to safety.



#2 morgan.spraker

morgan.spraker

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 13 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 11 November 2017 - 09:35 PM

Hey, everyone. Time for the next fun project. My synopsis is currently 1200 words (2 pages), so I'm not concerned about length, but that does mean I'm only placing the first portion here. My biggest concern is the start, anyway. I want to make sure that I'm effectively introducing the characters and the world without being confusing of dull. Again, this is only the beginning of my synopsis, not the entire thing. I know it's supposed to encompass the whole story, so please don't tell me this needs to include the ending. I know.

 

Anyway, any thoughts are appreciated. I'll continue to reciprocate feedback on queries/synopses.

 

-----

    Using great metal nihilships, humanity can traverse the Cipher, the void between the worlds. That's a really cool concept But only a rare group of people known as nihilempaths have the innate ability to pilot those ships, and most of those nihilempaths are in the employment of the Coalition, the worlds’ controversial unifying body.
    As one of the few independent nihilempaths, LARA KAVARIN (POV) instead makes a living scavenging old artifacts across the worlds. Her crew aboard the nihilship Ouroboros is small: Lara’s best friend, MAREI, a loyal cynic with the ability to manipulate darkness; Marei’s twin brother, ROSS, a people-pleaser who can manipulate light; and CENETTI, the staunch medic and Ross’s lover.
    Their explorations bring them to ruins in a remote world, where they discover a spike made of nil, the Cipher’s equivalent to matter. Immediately after, they are attacked by voidbanes, monstrous creatures that have escaped from the depths of the Cipher. Using the darkness as a weapon, Marei is able to hold the voidbanes at bay just long enough for the crew to escape, although Lara feels responsible for bringing her friends into the situation, even unwittingly. I would separate the sentence at "although" and cut "even unwittingly." If you're insistent on "unwittingly", I would say something like, 'Lara feels responsible for unwittingly bringing her friends into the situation'
    Lara pilots them to the populous world of Korrelia, where they can sell off the nil spike. No sooner have they arrived than Lara is rounded up by Coalition officials. They desperately need her help: one of their captains, AMERLAINE SILVER, has gone rogue. She’s taken their most powerful ship, the Empyrean, and slaughtered their nihilempaths, preventing pursuit. Worse, she has somehow procured a device that will allow her to open giant holes to the Cipher in all worlds, which will unleash voidbanes to cause millions of deaths This feels a little clunky to me. I didn't really feel the impact of millions of deaths the way that you phrased it. Reluctantly, Lara agrees to chase down Amerlaine with her crew, realizing that this is far bigger than her fear or her political disagreements with the Coalition. To aid the mission, the Coalition sends EVAINE, a socially uncomfortable specialist, and GIDEON, an inexperienced petty officer.
    Based off intel from Evaine, who was previously on Amerlaine’s crew, they set off for Darah, a world inhabited only by a small colony of cultists. Over the several-day journey, Lara and Gideon find themselves bonding, although their political differences about the Coalition leave a barrier between them I get the image of the barrier, but I think it could be more dynamically stated. Halfway through the journey, Lara notices events repeating themselves and realizes they are caught in a loop—a short section of repeating time, with only nihilempaths remembering previous iterations of the loop. Lara successfully navigates them out to safety. How does she do this?

Okay, I really, really like this and want to read the rest of the synopsis. Your world-building shines, but I think you need to give Lara's character and personality a bit more TLC. Overall, I was left with more of a connection to the lore and world than to your main character. This is such an interesting concept and totally something I would read. Thank you for the critique on my query :)



#3 smoskale

smoskale

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:2 non-fiction books with a University Press are out, two more are scheduled for 2018 release.

Posted 13 November 2017 - 10:05 PM

 Using great metal nihilships, humanity can traverse the Cipher, the void between the worlds. But only a rare group of people​--I don't think it sounds right--"rare group of people". What would be a frequent group of people? I would rephrase, something like, Those rare individuals who have the innate ability to pilot those ships are called nyhilempaths, and most of them are in the employment..... known as nihilempaths have the innate ability to pilot those ships, and most of those nihilempaths are in the employment of the Coalition, the worlds’ controversial unifying body.

    As one of the few independent nihilempaths, LARA KAVARIN (POV) instead You already explained that she is unusual for being independent, "instead" is an overkill and a distraction makes a living scavenging old artifacts across the worlds. Her crew aboard the nihilship Ouroboros is small: Lara’s best friend, MAREI, a loyal cynic with the ability to manipulate darkness; Marei’s twin brother, ROSS, a people-pleaser who can manipulate light; and CENETTI, the staunch medic and Ross’s lover.
    Their explorations bring them to ruins in a remote world, where they dhiscover a spike made of nil, the Cipher’s equivalent to matter. Immediately after, they are attacked by voidbanes, monstrous creatures that have escaped from the depths of the Cipher. Using the you said "darkness" without the article when you first described it. Either way is fine, but  be consistent darkness as a weapon, Marei is able to hold the voidbanes at bay just long enough for the crew to escape, although Lara feels responsible for bringing her friends into the situation, even unwittingly.I understand what you mean, but the "even unwittingly" sounds out of place. Also, does lara's emotional reaction matter for the plot as descried in this synopsis? It seems kind of hang there, unattached. Either develop it into a character building thing, or maybe drop it
    Lara pilots them to the populous world of Korrelia, where they can sell off the nil spike. No sooner have they arrived than Lara is rounded up by Coalition officials. They desperately need her help: one of their captains, AMERLAINE SILVER, has gone rogue. She’s taken their most powerful ship, the Empyrean, and slaughtered their all coalition-employed nihilempaths to preventing pursuit. Worse, she has somehow procured a device that will allow her to open giant holes to the Cipher in all worlds, which will unleashing voidbanes and to causing millions of deaths. Reluctantly, Lara agrees to chase down Amerlaine with her crew, realizing that this is far bigger than her fear or her political disagreements with the Coalition. To aid the mission, the Coalition sends EVAINE, a socially uncomfortable awkward specialist specialist in what? if that's unimportant, perhaps say "socially awkward former member of Amerilaine's crew" and lighten up the next sentence, and GIDEON, an inexperienced petty officer.
    Based off intel from Evaine, who was previously on Amerlaine’s crew, they set off for Darah, a world inhabited only by a small colony of cultists. Over the several-day journey, Lara and Gideon find themselves bonding, although their political differences about the Coalition leave a barrier between them. Halfway through the journey, Lara notices events repeating themselves and realizes they are caught in a loop—a short section of repeating time, with only nihilempaths remembering previous iterations of the loop. Lara successfully navigates them out to safety.

 

I read the first time, and thought it was good, clear, understandable. Then I went back to nit-pick, hoping to catch some runaway phrasing. I hope it will help you. The book sounds great.

Can you pls take a look at the latest version of my query? 

http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=348925



#4 b.katona

b.katona

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 73 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 14 November 2017 - 09:10 PM

Using great metal nihilships, humanity can traverse the Cipher, the void between the worlds. But only a rare group of people known as nihilempaths have the innate ability to pilot those ships, and most of those nihilempaths are in the employment of the Coalition, the worlds’ controversial unifying body I think something like corrupt bureau would sound better but if it's inaccurate, ignore this.
    As one of the few independent nihilempaths, LARA KAVARIN (POV) instead makes a living scavenging old artifacts across the worlds. Her crew aboard the nihilship Ouroboros is small: Lara’s best friend, MAREI, a loyal cynic with the ability to manipulate darkness; Marei’s twin brother, ROSS, a people-pleaser who can manipulate light; and CENETTI, the staunch medic and Ross’s lover.
    Their explorations bring them to ruins unclear for me if you meant leads them to the ruins of a rando city or wrecks their ship in a remote world, where they discover a spike made of nil, the Cipher’s equivalent to matter. Immediately after "they collect it (?)", they are attacked by voidbanes, monstrous creatures that have escaped from the depths of the Cipher. Using the darkness as a weapon, Marei is able to hold the voidbanes at bay just long enough for the crew to escape, start a new sentence here because it's really long and not necessary for it to be one unit (I know this doesn't have to read like a QL but who has anything against a good flow?) although Lara feels responsible for bringing her friends into the situation, even unwittingly.
    Lara pilots them to the populous world of Korrelia, where they can to sell off the nil spike. No sooner have they arrived than Lara is rounded up by Coalition officials this feels a little awkward for me--the wording, not the actual event. They desperately need her help: one of their captains, AMERLAINE SILVER, has gone rogue. She’s taken their most powerful ship, the Empyrean, and slaughtered their nihilempaths, preventing pursuit. Worse, she has somehow procured a device that will allow her to open giant holes to the Cipher in all worlds, which will unleash voidbanes to cause millions of deaths. Reluctantly I'm not sure if this is the right word. it gives off the vibe like she has something more fun to do but she does it cuz she has to. obviously I'm just kidding but it'd probably be better like something along the lines of they convince/persuade her..., Lara agrees to chase down Amerlaine with her crew, realizing that this is far bigger than her fear or her political disagreements with the Coalition. To aid the mission, the Coalition sends EVAINE, a socially uncomfortable specialist, and GIDEON, an inexperienced petty officer.
    Based off intel from Evaine, who was previously on Amerlaine’s crew, they set off for Darah, a world inhabited only by a small colony of cultists. Over the several-day journey, Lara and Gideon find themselves bonding, although their political differences about the Coalition leave a barrier between them. Halfway through the journey, Lara notices events repeating themselves and realizes they are caught in a loop—a short section of repeating time, with only nihilempaths remembering previous iterations of the loop it's really interesting but it just hangs there and I'm not sure if anything happened here. you could probably elaborate a little bit because this way it's like talking about the color of someone's bike, which is superfluous and I'm sure this section has some even more intriguing stuff going on.... Lara successfully navigates them out to safety.

 

OK, so I gotta agree with those before me. This is beautiful, captivating and overall ready to go. I made a few suggestions but honestly, you'll do just fine without incorporating any of that. Best of luck querying and getting published at some point! Thanks for the comment on my query.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Science Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users