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Inheritor of the Eternal Flame (Fantasy)


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#1 T.C. Stevenson

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 07:59 PM

Hey everyone. Thanks for taking the time to look at my synopsis. I'll be sure to return any critiques I receive.

 

In Eden, the Eldar serve God by pursuing destinies that require them to wield the power of the Eternal Flame, the source of life for all things. Mikael, a cherub so desperate for his own purpose that he is willing to sin, seeks out the mysterious Tree of Forbidden Knowledge and eats one of its apples. Rather than becoming like the chosen angels he so admires, he bears witness to a prophecy of God’s death at the hands of an Eldar.

 

With the help of his mentor, Lucifer, Mikael sets out to discover the identity of God’s would-be assailant. While they search the jungles of Eden for an Eldar exiled for murder, Lucifer’s wife, Athena, eats the forbidden fruit and receives visions of a power-hungry Lucifer murdering their creator and destroying all life within the universe. Horrified by the possibility of her lover’s cruelty and confident in her own ability to rule wisely, Athena takes matters into her own hands by killing God and consuming his power.

 

Blamed for God’s death by the Cherubim, Mikael’s wings are ripped from his body, and he is cast down to Earth. He lands in the midst of Stonehenge, which serves as a portal between the two worlds, and is nursed back to health by a boy named Christopher. Shortly after, giant obsidian anubites fall to the Earth to subjugate humanity and enforce Athena’s will. Christopher and Mikael flee into the forest and seek the protection of a guardian entity that reveals himself to be a fragment of God’s power placed on Earth to ensure humanity’s free will. The guardian offers its power to Christopher but at a price: he must remain within the hidden enclave for seven hundred years while the light of the guardian is bound to him. When he wakes, he is reborn with extraordinary abilities and the will to free his now-enslaved people.

 

After discovering that the Eldar, including Lucifer, have rallied behind a human claiming to be God reborn, Athena descends to Earth. Eager to prove herself as a just and fair ruler, Athena proposes a trial by combat to test her will as a god against Christopher’s. Should he succeed in proving his will to be more powerful than her own, Athena vows to remove her anubites and restore humanity’s freedom. Mikael offers himself as Christopher’s champion and fights against a cherub that had been his closest friend. Although Mikael triumphs, Athena resurrects her fallen warrior, each time twisting him into a more vile and terrible form, until Mikael is defeated. Unwilling to watch his friend die, Christopher breaks his agreement with Athena and kills the demon himself.

 

The battle that ensues leaves Christopher dead and Athena captured by one of the Eldar. When it falls to Lucifer to deal the final blow, however, he betrays his kin and saves her life. Guilt-ridden, he convinces Athena to make peace and returns to his family only to be assassinated by his sister. His death drives Athena to madness, and she turns the Cherubim of Heaven into an army of demons with which she slaughters those who killed her husband.

 

Determined to avenge Christopher’s death, Mikael begins a vendetta of his own, killing the Eldar that abandoned the humans one by one and taking their power. Once no one is left alive but Mikael and Athena, he uses his newfound power to ask humanity to lend him their strength, and their prayers empower him enough to defeat her.

 

Now the most powerful being in existence, Mikael keeps his influence subtle and silent. Though he wishes to reward humanity and make each generation aware of his presence, he fears that knowledge of his existence may jeopardize the progress they have made on their own. Instead, he watches over them until the last human breath is drawn. Now truly alone, Mikael prepares to fade into nothingness but is interrupted by an entity created to guide each new incarnation of God, for Mikael’s creator was not the first, nor shall he be the last.



#2 LEEALLAN

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Posted 26 December 2017 - 03:39 PM

Hi T.C. Stevenson,

 

Sounds like a very interesting premise. I'm new at this synopsis game, so please view my suggestions with that in mind.

 

You should capitalize the name of your characters, but only the first time that they're introduced.

 

 

In Eden, the Eldar serve God by pursuing destinies that require them to wield the power of the Eternal Flame, the source of life for all things. Mikael MIKAEL, a cherub so desperate for his own purpose [What is his purpose? It's important to state what the main character needs] that he is willing to sin, seeks out the mysterious Tree of Forbidden Knowledge and eats one of its an apples. Rather than becoming like the chosen angels he so admires, he bears witness to a prophecy of God’s death at the hands of an Eldar. This sentence puzzles me. Do you mean to say he witnesses God's death?

 

With the help of his mentor, Lucifer, LUCIFER, Mikael sets out to discover the identity of God’s would-be assailant.[Would be? Does that mean he doesn't kill God?] While they search the jungles of Eden for an Eldar exiled for murder, [Is this God's assailant?] Lucifer’s wife, Athena,ATHENA, eats the forbidden fruit and receives visions of a power-hungry Lucifer murdering their creator [Isn't that God, who is already dead?] and destroying all life within the universe. Horrified by the possibility of her lover’s cruelty and confident in her own ability to rule wisely, Athena takes matters into her own hands by killing God and consuming assuming his power.

 

Blamed for God’s death by the Cherubim, Mikael’s wings are ripped from his body, and he is cast down to Earth. He lands in the midst of Stonehenge, which serves as a portal between the two worlds, and is nursed back to health by a boy named Christopher CHRISTOPHER. Shortly after, giant obsidian anubites fall to the Earth to subjugate humanity and enforce Athena’s will. Christopher and Mikael flee into the forest and seek the protection of a guardian entity that reveals himself to be a fragment of God’s power placed on Earth to ensure humanity’s free will. The guardian offers its power to Christopher but at a price: he must remain within the hidden enclave for seven hundred years while the light of the guardian is bound to him. When he wakes, he is reborn with extraordinary abilities and the will to free his now-enslaved people.

 

After discovering that the Eldar, including Lucifer, have rallied behind a human claiming to be God reborn, Athena descends to Earth. Eager to prove herself as a just and fair ruler, Athena proposes a trial by combat to test her will as a god against Christopher’s. Should he succeed in proving his will to be more powerful than her own, Athena vows to remove her anubites and restore humanity’s freedom. Mikael offers himself as Christopher’s champion and fights against a cherub that had been his closest friend. Although Mikael triumphs, Athena resurrects her fallen warrior, each time twisting him into a more vile and terrible form, until Mikael is defeated. Unwilling to watch his friend die, Christopher breaks his agreement with Athena and kills the demon himself.

 

The battle that ensues leaves [But hasn't Christoper, with his magical powers, already killed the demon?] Christopher dead and Athena captured by one of the Eldar. When it falls to Lucifer to deal the final blow, however, he betrays his kin and saves her life. Guilt-ridden, he convinces Athena to make peace and returns to his family only to be assassinated by his sister. His death drives Athena to madness, and she turns the Cherubim of Heaven into an army of demons with which she slaughters those who killed her husband.

 

Determined to avenge Christopher’s death, Mikael begins a vendetta of his own, killing the Eldar that abandoned the humans one by one and taking their power. Once no one is left alive but Mikael and Athena, he uses his newfound power [I thought Christopher had this power, not Mikael] to ask humanity to lend him their strength, and their prayers empower him enough to defeat her.

 

Now the most powerful being in existence, Mikael keeps his influence subtle and silent. Though he wishes to reward humanity and make each generation aware of his presence, he fears that knowledge of his existence may jeopardize the progress they have made on their own. Instead, he watches over them until the last human breath is drawn. Now truly alone, Mikael prepares to fade into nothingness but is interrupted by an entity [describe it for us] created to guide each new incarnation of God, for Mikael’s creator was not the first, nor shall he be the last. Break this sentence into two.

 

I think you've made a good start on your synopsis. There are several areas where I don't think the reader will grasp the logic, even though it is logical to you. Also, the synopsis doesn't tell us what Mikael needs so desperately, nor does it end by saying that he has fulfilled that need. I was sad that Christoper died. Perhaps if the special powers were given to Mikael instead of to Christopher it would make more sense to me. Other readers may have however more illuminating suggestions than mine. Best of luck! I'd be very grateful if you would critique my synopsis for my novel Love, Cats, and Assassins, at this link:

http://agentquerycon...turn-critiques/



#3 morgan.spraker

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 06:05 PM

Hey everyone. Thanks for taking the time to look at my synopsis. I'll be sure to return any critiques I receive.

 

In Eden, the Eldar serve God by pursuing destinies that require them to wield the power of the Eternal Flame, the source of life for all things. Mikael capitalize the names of the characters when you first introduce them, a cherub so desperate maybe "desperate enough"?for his own purpose that he is willing to sin, seeks out the mysterious Tree of Forbidden Knowledge and eats one of its apples. Rather than becoming like the chosen angels he so admires, he bears witness to a prophecy of God’s death at the hands of an Eldar.

 

With the help of his mentor, Lucifer, Mikael sets out to discover the identity of God’s would-be assailant. While they search the jungles of Eden for an Eldar exiled for murder, Lucifer’s wife, Athena, eats the forbidden fruit and receives visions of a power-hungry Lucifer murdering their creator and destroying all life within the universe. Horrified by the possibility of her lover’s cruelty and confident in her own ability to rule wisely, Athena takes matters into her own hands by killing God and consuming how does she consume his power? I would clarify/use a different word his power.

 

Blamed for God’s death by the Cherubim, Mikael’s wings are ripped from his body, and he is cast down to Earth. He lands in the midst of Stonehenge, which serves as a portal between the two worlds, and is nursed back to health by a boy named Christopher. Shortly after, giant obsidian anubites fall to the Earth to subjugate humanity and enforce Athena’s will. Christopher and Mikael flee into the forest and seek the protection of a guardian entity that reveals himself to be a fragment of God’s power placed on Earth to ensure humanity’s free will. The guardian offers its power to Christopher but at a price: he must remain within the hidden enclave for seven hundred years while the light of the guardian is bound to him. So Christopher agrees to taking the power? I assume so, from the next sentence, but I would clarify either wayWhen he wakes, he is reborn with extraordinary abilities and the will to free his now-enslaved people.

 

After discovering that the Eldar, including Lucifer, have rallied behind a human claiming to be God reborn, Athena descends to Earth I would add something like "and discovers Christopher". Eager to prove herself as a just and fair ruler, Athena proposes a trial by combat to test her will as a god against Christopher’s. Should he succeed in proving his will to be more powerful than her own, Athena vows to remove her anubites and restore humanity’s freedom. Mikael offers himself as Christopher’s champion and fights against a cherub that had been his closest friend be more concise with this -- perhaps "former best friend". Although Mikael triumphs, Athena resurrects her fallen warrior, each time twisting him into a more vile and terrible form, until Mikael is defeated. Unwilling to watch his friend die, Christopher breaks his agreement with Athena and kills the demon himself.

 

The battle that ensues Concise - maybe "ensuing battle" leaves Christopher dead and Athena captured by one of the Eldar. When it falls to Lucifer to deal the final blow, however, he betrays his kin and saves her life. Guilt-ridden, he convinces Athena to make peace and returns to his family only to be assassinated by his sister. His death drives Athena to madness, and she turns the Cherubim of Heaven into an army of demons with which she slaughters those who killed her husband.

 

Determined to avenge Christopher’s death, Mikael begins a vendetta of his own, killing the Eldar that abandoned the humans one by one and taking their power. Once no one is left alive but Mikael and Athena I would shorten this to something along the lines of "Once only Mikael and Athena remain living", he uses his newfound power to ask humanity to lend him their strength, and their prayers empower him enough to defeat her.

 

Now the most powerful being in existence, Mikael keeps his influence subtle and silent. Though he wishes to reward humanity and make each generation aware of his presence, he fears that knowledge of his existence may jeopardize the progress they have made on their own. Instead, he watches over them until the last human breath is drawn. Now truly alone, Mikael prepares to fade into nothingness but is interrupted by an entity created to guide each new incarnation of God, for Mikael’s creator was not the first, nor shall he be the last.

Wow! I remember reading your query and being interested, and this only increased that :)That was super well-written, just a few problems with tightness of wording, but that's easily fixed. I got a good sense of your story. If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...erity-synopsis/






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